Chutney

[LouP19]

Where do I go? My thread has gone?!!

Bit upset by the soap opera comments, but understand it probably came out wrong. I like a quiet life. I like reading. I like staying in. I like cats. I like gardening and looking at stuff in Dunelm mill. This is NOT me at all.

Rowan I have to say. Your comment about him being clearly autistic. Is really, very offensive.

Sorry Lou ot but that's not fair to the lovely people who have Autism. This man is not lovely.

Hi Lou

You have had some superb advice on this thread, and I just have one suggestion that I'd like to make. I hope that's okay.

I realise that you have not yet made a decision about your pregnancy, but think it might be wise to consider telling your solicitor about it as it may affect the advice that you are given.
Only you will know whether this is something that you feel comfortable about, but I felt it might be worth mentioning to you.

If you choose to proceed with things, then he will be responsible for financially supporting you and the baby, which will, I believe, include contributions towards housing you both.
I apologise in advance if I haven't worded this very well, but whilst you are still at the stage where your life could go in one of two directions, it might help you to be able to be clear about what the future might look like, financially at least.

Whatever you decide, you have the full support of all of us here.

It wasn't his bad behaviour which I felt was Autistic but his one mindlessness and inability to see other's perspectives.

Which is often an identifier of autism. As someone who has two autistic siblings.

It is offensive and a massive generalisation to say "he's quite clearly autistic" it's a shame with ASD relatives you don't see that.

Sorry Lou. I'll leave it, as I do t want to bun fight on your thread. I thought it was out of order and I had to raise it.

As you were.

I've been following your threads, I think you're doing amazingly well Lou.

Just a small piece of advice, I've found that being the petitioner in a divorce is far better and gives you at least a bit more of control than being the respondant.
If you're considering the divorce route I would get legal advice and start divorce proceedings rather than wait for him to take control of that.

I think it would be worth your while finding out where you stand legally and also about the house see if you can be legally protected from having the house sold from under you.

Oh, FFS, Bubbe, not you again.

Just leave the thread if it "confuses" you so much.

I agree best left as this isn't really about us attacking eac other but supporting someone. Sorry I've offended you. My message wasn't intended as anything but supportive.

Single mindedness and inability to see other's perspectives is a sign of ASD. As someone who has to deal with it daily a lot of his behaviour seems signify he's on the spectrum to me. Not his cruelty but his miticulalous planning and panic when things don't go that way.

Think the relatives comment is a little uncalled for. But what can you do.

Bubba one he is admitted he's having an affair.

Offensive to whom exactly? Him? I can live with that.

Bubba are you even bothering to read the thread???? Just bugger off, will you?

It's also a sign of selfish self absorbed fuckwit disorder who realises he's not going to get the clean 50-50 break he hoped for. That's my guess.

Hi Lou, just checking in to see how you're doing.

Still astounded at how twattish you're H is being. Tbh it doesn't sound to me that he's had legal advice, as another X of an academic, they can simply talk a good talk and if it's required to sound like the BS is coming from a lawyer than it will be. He won't see the need to consult a lawyer, he's intelligent enough to know what's what and anyway, he's hurting how can he be plotting anything - right?? (My X refuses to believe that anyone in a profession can possibly really know as much about it as he does..)

A good friend said to me at the time of my split "He will say anything to anyone that he thinks they want to hear but will continue to do what he wants regardless". I think you H is doing simply that. He moved all his belongings out but now, when you get tricky, it's "temporary" he acts like a complete shit of the first order but has apparently been "polite" when asking about postal arrangements.

Should you have a face to face conversation with him I am absolutely sure you would come away from it thinking "you know what, I've been a bit harsh on him". This still happens to me sometimes but luckily I've got good people around me who point out that he still is, and probably will always be a shit.

Take care m'dear. x

That is very much true HouseofPain. :-)

Bubba, you have clearly not read the thread.
You are not posting helpfully or supportively, so might I suggest that you avoid posting at all.
Posts of this kind are an unwelcome diversion from those of us keen to offer support to Lou.

Fuzzy, the H can't sell the house without Lou's consent. When I divorced I placed a 'charge' on the property but I believe this is now automatic when you're married. If you want to re-confirm this, Lou, ring the Land Registry with your property number (it's on the deeds and the mortgage lender should have a copy).

Depending on the terms of the mortgage, the lender can "sell the house from under you" between two and six months after falling into arrears. But neither spouse can do it without the other's consent.

I fail to see how a husband who's moved all his belongings away from the home can claim to be executing a temporary separation pending counselling. His intention to quit is very clear. It looks as if he's backtracking since taking legal advice.

larga I think that was uncalled for.

Fwiw I believe my ex has AS, and that I do. I am naively honest, he is an entitled fuckwit. The clinical way that OP's H has acted (not to mention the chutney) makes me wonder if he might indeed have AS traits.

Dearest Lou

Here's another one advising you to make getting legal representation your priority. I think that your arse of an H has probably had legal advice/representation for some while now, urged on by the OW -wouldn't be surprised to learn that she had connections to someone in the legal world.

I have spent many hours trying to fathom out your H's motivation. He is almost unfathomable, but, for what it's worth, this is how I see it:

H is having relationship with OW, tells her that his relationship with you is dead, no sex any more. OW puts pressure on H to take legal advice on the best way to leave you and H is told that he is entitled to 50% 0f everything.
H plans to leave, books the van and then you tell him you have had a positive test (panic) then you tell him you think you have had a chemical pregnancy (rejoicing). So he is free to pack up the van and go.

The thing that bugs me most about this arse is the callous disregard that he shows for your feelings, more than that he seems to be hell bent on driving you nuts unsettling you completely. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him, and sadly I don't think we've seen the worst of him yet. So heed the warnings, honey, but most of all engage the rottweiler solicitor ASAP. x

Good post, Mavis.

It's not uncalled for, it's not the first time she's posted as if she thinks OP is a troll, when she'd find the answers to her questions if she just read the thread. If she thinks it's a wind up she can report, otherwise she should stop basically trollhunting.

As an aside, I dealt with the fall out of my split (3 years ago and with a toddler and literally weeks old baby in tow) by ruthlessly concentrating on the practical and putting the emotional fall out to one side. In a box if you will.

I used to joke that I would get my life in order and crumble emotionally during the opening of the Olympics. Well, 2 weeks ago I watched the opening ceremony in my new house with my beautiful dcs sleeping upstairs and life is pretty good.

You absolutely can come through this Lou, either on your own, with the cats or with baby too. There's a lot of faith in you here. x

I wondered what on earth a "chutney" thread could be about so had a look. I have since had a look at your other thread. I am utterly gobsmacked so goodness only knows how you are feeling.
You sound like you are a lovely person. Why do horrid people like this always shit on nice people from a great height? It also sounds like your family are fabulous too. You are all being fantastically restrained. I would have been tempted to punch him in the face.
I am quite worried that he maybe up to yet more things and that there are more unexpected moves from him to come.
Please see a solicitor. I agree that should probably be a priority as, whatever you decide about keeping the baby or not, you need financial security and a roof over your head.
He has had longer to prepare himself. You didn't know any of this was coming. You now need to work fast to catch up. He seems arrogant enough to think that you won't have a clue where to start. When you don't respond in the way he wants though he gets nervous.
If I were you I'd act like I wanted to work things out whilst sorting everything in the background. Play the bastard at his own game.

Is it possible for you to check through the history on your computer to check for anything a miss? I say this as my uncle took out credit cards in my aunt's name, getting her to sign without her realising what it was for. Months later, he left and had racked up massive debts.
I would get up-to-date bank statements and ask the bank to check all accounts under your name. You never know what he has been up to through Internet banking.
I'm glad that you seem to have the security of the house sorted.
I totally get that you are grieving. Your world has been shattered. But believe me, with the help of your wonderful family, friends and cats, you can get through this.
I would start looking for a smaller place that you could make a home for yourself. I know you love this house but in all likelihood you are going to have to sell to be rid of him. You could find a little place just of your own that has nothing to do with him. Decorate it the way you like. You have made your house a home and you can do it again. You don't need him. The neighbours are lovely but there might be equally lovely neighbours elsewhere and you can keep in touch with your old ones.
I know it doesn't feel like it but you are doing really well. We are all rooting for you.

This idiot doesn't deserve your love and will never be truly happy. I almost feel sorry for him. Almost.
Take care, x

Please stop with the as stuff. It was rightly flamed down in the last thread. When an unqualified relate counseller suggested it.

There is nothing here that anyone can possibly suggest he has as. It's almost used as an excuse nowadays.

He's been an utter fucker, because he's selfish and he's been having an affair, and graduated from twat school. I don't think bringing ASD in to it is helpful tbh.

bubba you're painting a very poor picture of yourself here. Remember that others have read the thread too and also remember your previous posts and the responses that followed.

Exaggerating for effect and sympathy on the thread of someone who's going through something as difficult as this is revolting IMO.

I think we should just disengage with Bubba now - she's derailed the thread enough - and continue supporting Lou.

Excuse me. but how have I derailed the thread?