Chutney

[LouP19]

Where do I go? My thread has gone?!!

Bit upset by the soap opera comments, but understand it probably came out wrong. I like a quiet life. I like reading. I like staying in. I like cats. I like gardening and looking at stuff in Dunelm mill. This is NOT me at all.

Lou, read Allalonenow's post again. I agree the counselling and the post thing are red herrings designed to distract you.

You need to focus on the money.

You need a solicitor.

RE the locks, the other thing someone suggested to me was (if you have a burglar alarm) change the code and set it before you leave the house! ;-)

I think he might well be up to something with the house and I second (third) the advice that you get a solicitor ASAP to protect yourself. You cannot trust or rely on him for anything.
I hate him even more now I realise when he makes a decision regarding TTC he's thinking 'What would Rod Stewart do?'

He's relying on you to he blindsided by his midnight flit and sadly, probably thinks you'll be trying to get him back because of the pregnancy - he will be scheming in the background.
Good luck Lou, everyone is behind you, wishing you the best outcome for you

Been lurking since the start. The more I read, the more of a cocksocket I think he is!

Some fantastic advice on here Lou, I've nothing new to add, but remember you are in the right and he is oh so wrong.

Wish you good luck and as bleedingheart says everyone is behind you. It will turn out fine for you.

I think I might have that as my life's mantra from now on. When faced with a dilema I'll ponder "What would Rod Stewart do?"

Worra knob the ChutneyTwat is!!

He cannot sell the house without her permission whether she is on the title deeds or not. They are married, he would need either her agreement or a court order to do so.

You also are not allowed to change the locks without consent or a court order. I would be very very careful about doing anything that would antagonise this fool.

Yyy to getting a sol. It has taken much longer than I thought to agree things with ex, who turned nasty and unco-operative, even though he said he wanted us to live apart. (His plan was to do this and then divorce by consent after 2 years, I went ahead and served papers, divorce was quite quick but for financial settlement I had to begin court proceedings to get him to provide info etc.)

Just a quick note to say I have been following this thread and you have my admiration - it must be so hard for you but you are dealing with things so well.

You rock x

I know your parents are driving you a bit crazy but what do they say about the whole thing?

You have so much support here so I have nothing useful to say apart from Well Done. You are doing so well despite your H and his antics!

the less I react, or the more I look to regain some control, the more he seems to panic or get arsey in his texts.

yes.... Interesting isn't it. So taking control, and non-reaction, seem useful tools here.

Certainly if you don't respond, he has to imagine what you're doing and thinking, which he will find extremely difficult.

I hope you will stop him from coming back to what's left of your home, but if you find yourself legally on the back foot, make sure you have some friends round if he calls. Perhaps dog-owning ones (lock the kitties away for the duration of course).

Something that's only just occurred to me (I'm clearly really slow ... ), is that this pregnancy could jeopardise your beloved ex's whole future. If he's left you for OW and he's been telling her that he hasn't slept with you in months/years/whatever (and I bet that's exactly what he's told her), then you being preggers outs him for the liar he is and she could well tell him to get lost. Now wouldn't it be great if she could find out - whatever you choose you do?

It just occurs to me that something else is going on wrt the house/finance. He is throwing out the counselling lure and the 'temporarily moved out' line, all of which would seem to leave you in a 'is he coming back?' limbo. I worry he is thinking that that would keep you frozen, not going to solicitors or talking to banks etc, as he thinks you think everything would be going back to 'normal' soon. He is so untrustworthy, I'm worried he is working behind the scenes, seeing solicitors already, and working to take you to the cleaners asap. Please do get in touch with all financial bodies and take a solicitors advice as a matter of real urgency. Please protect yourself NOW.

We don't know what she's already bought into, Juneau. My X1's OW was determined to "win" despite the very obvious fact that he was a liar.

I still have some concern that Cuntney might move back in, the same way he moved out.

Bit of a pyrrhic victory though isn't it garlic! And if that's the case I'd say she's welcome to him.

I suspect that chutney thought that lou would move out to her parents and then he (as the payer-of-the-mortgage) would move OW in.

Nothing is 'convenient' because Lou is not acting "according to plan".

Keep it up Lou.... he deserves to be on the back foot!

When my exDW walked out on our marriage with my friend they both expected me to freak out and get all arsey and possibly violent.

I was extremely pleasant and polite to them at all times. I helped them out when I could, I did everything they asked of me.

A few years later when having a rare chat with exDW she admitted that it freaked them out completely and put them on edge all the time waiting for me to lose it with them. Also exDW was rather upset that I did not go down on bended knee begging her to come back and pleading for another chance.

So by being slightly aloof, distant but polite and calm may well cause him more problems than any other reaction. He cant exactly use anything against you then which no doubt he would like to do.

Do not give up.

Do not give in.

Life will kick him in the pants.

Everyone gets what they deserve out of life. (my exDw's DH ran off with her friend 10 years later and left her with enormous debt and homeless)

I think the thing with the house could simply be that he's belatedly realised that he's put himself at a disadvantage by moving out. (Which is why wives are always advised to stay put except in extreme cases.) He needs to assert his share of ownership. Referring to our house, and the latest communication about his rights to have his post delivered there. Lou is behaving as if she owned the place. How dare she!

I don't think he anticipated this problem. He thought it would be a question of Lou on her knees begging him to come back. His options seem to have been drastically curtailed. I've still no idea what he really wants, but things are obviously not going according to plan.

Keep him guessing, Lou!

Just to reiterate everyone else's comments about getting legal advice re the house - yep, do that as a matter of urgency.

You can't (i believe) change the locks but if he tries to gain entry to the house while you are there and you feel threatened, call the police.

He's sounding shiftier by the minute.

Keep going. He is definitely back footed and in panic mode.

You are doing brilliantly. I hope with each of these messages you are seeing what a horror he is.

What he clearly meant by the Rod Stewart comment and the email regards pregnancy is that he intends to have children with the other woman, not you. You have messed up this plan and this clearly autistic man can't cope with when his plan is not adhered too. As a fellow academic I definitely know this type!

I am certain that the whole counselling limbo stuff is that if he looks like he was trying to reconcile it means he will be considered more favourably in a financial settlement.

Well two can play that game. If you could steel yourself and realise that whatever he says in there is a load of bollocks (and that he is using this as a place to whip you for what he feels are your faults i.e. not being 26 and worshipping him) I would go, sit passively and calmly and come up with a standard phrase to keep wheeling out. Such as "I am astonished that's how you perceive our relationship. I thought the main problem is, as your infidelity proves, you were not fully commitment to our marriage."

My guess is you will see the steam coming out of his ears. And not even a cheddar and chutney sarnie will make him feel better.

in fact I wouldn't be surprised if he was banking on you finding life in the house so unbearable without him and his chutney he expected you to move out soonish, leaving him able to move back in with OW.

De-lurking here lou after your H's latest absurdly dickwaddish email.

I'm inclined to be in agreement with those posters warning you about his behaviour. His email sounds full of "legalese" which would imply that he's already spoken with a solicitor and is protecting himself and the OW. All the while, this talk about "temporarily" moving out, and "it's still my address", along with all the bullshit about counselling and wanting to talk and how much he still loves you, stinks to high heaven of a conniving, manipulative man saying and doing everything he can to keep you on the back foot so that you're utterly blindsided and unprepared when he suddenly starts legal proceedings.

I know you don't think you can face doctors and solicitors all in one day, and if you still feel like this, I genuinely think that the pregnancy at this stage should take a back seat until you know what your rights are and, if appropriate at a later date, the rights of your unborn child in terms of ensuring that his/her father supports him/her.

You're totally and utterly and clearly immensely strong - I would've crumbled ages ago. See if you can muster the support and drive to just get both these difficult appointments out the way. You will feel so much better afterwards just for having your ducks in a row. See if you can get your Mum or Dad to come with you to both of the appointments too, maybe get them to take notes just in case it's all a bit too much to commit to memory.

It will be worth it. You're doing incredibly well, you're a far better person than I.

Yes sadwidow! Of course, if OW is still around, and earning, he could move her in and wouldn't have to sell. Would he have to buy Lou out of her 50%? Or does the 50% not really exist if they're mortgaged to the hilt? Someone must know the answer to this. But he can't do this if Lou is still there.

I'm thinking back to what one of your neighbours said, Lou. About how it was time you came out of his shadow. I think he has seriously underestimated you!

Lou, I have only one piece of extremely serious advice for you.

Get a lawyer

This is not going to get better, it is going to get nasty and you need a professional to deal with the fallout.

He also can't do it....if there is a child of the marriage to consider. If Lou continues with the pregnancy. That changes everything. He won't get a divorce before the child is born. A court would be reluctant to do this. Due to the baby being due. Which would then bring a dependant of the marriage.

I imagine that was his relief whe he thought it was chemical. As he'd be forced to contribute to her having a lower income. Think mat leave, paternity. He'd be forced to contribute towards a house for the child so by proxy Lou. Giving her further rights over the house. Especially as he left.