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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Chutney

999 replies

LouP19 · 06/08/2012 17:06

Where do I go? My thread has gone?!!

Bit upset by the soap opera comments, but understand it probably came out wrong. I like a quiet life. I like reading. I like staying in. I like cats. I like gardening and looking at stuff in Dunelm mill. This is NOT me at all.

OP posts:
juneau · 09/08/2012 14:15

And if he's said he'll come into the house - perhaps when you're not there - don't leave anything lying around at home that he might be interested at snooping at/which could give him any more power over you.

Mmmnotsure · 09/08/2012 14:20

Oh, and the MN recipe of the week is for chutney

maxmillie · 09/08/2012 14:26

is the mortgage in joint names? He is equally as liable as you are if it is, irrespective of whether he has "temporarily" moved out.

Remember to keep copies of every email/text he sends you.

maxmillie · 09/08/2012 14:30

btw I delurked as I literally cannot believe what a twat this guy is - NPD or not he is deluded and nasty. How old is he out of interest? He seems to have the self-awareness of a teenager.

No help sorry, hope you feel better soon xx

Original poster
LouP19 · 09/08/2012 14:53

He's 38. But last year when he said he wanted to stop trying for a baby for a while, be cited Rod Stewart (yes, Rod fucking Stewart) as an example of a man who has had children later in life. I am not making this up either.

So he's always been a bit deluded about his age. And the woman in the photo definitely looked 10 years younger, so they'll be no pressure just yet about babies and the like. I absolutely hate him.

OP posts:
PeshwariNaan · 09/08/2012 14:53

Hi Lou - I was wondering, if you can't forward his post or get it to him via work (which I really think is the best idea!), can you put it in a bag outside the house and have the locks changed ASAP? Not sure it's a great idea to let him inside on his own. If he wants anything else from the house make him tell you what it is and leave it outside for him, then leave the house.

PeshwariNaan · 09/08/2012 14:54

BTW Lou, not at all surprised he's an academic because IME academic men tend to be mental children. They can handle high-flying conferences and writing ten books, but inside they are about 8. (Former academic here)

ComradeJing · 09/08/2012 14:57

I second getting the locks changed as a matter of urgency.

lotsofcheese · 09/08/2012 14:58

Hi Lou, what about a no contact period of 24-48 hours, then review how you feel after this?

Any contact you've had with him in the last few days has sent you, understandably, into a tailspin, and you're spending a lot of time second-guessing his words/actions - plus depleting your mental reserves dealing with him.

So pull the drawbridge up for a period of time, concentrate on yourself & reassess what type of contact eg email/solicitors only etc YOU want.

You should have contact on YOUR terms, rather than being headfucked by his

Gigondas · 09/08/2012 14:59

You need to take legal advice about house- afaik even something like changing locks you are obliged to give other owner the keys .

I am so sorry you are going through this lou.

ThePigOnTheWall · 09/08/2012 15:00

Hate is good if it's the cold hard steely kind of hate.. Harness the hate and turn it to your advantage to get what you need to move on with your life

And "temporarily" my arse. Someone who's moving out temporarily packs a suitcase in 10 minutes and leaves. They don't hire a fucking removal van and move out with their condiments

ThePigOnTheWall · 09/08/2012 15:01

Don't change the locks. Get a bolt fitted inside the front door and bolt it and go out of the back when you leave.

ComradeJing · 09/08/2012 15:02

Ohhhh much better advice from ThePigOnTheWall.

Do that. Ignore my advice to change locks!

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 09/08/2012 15:04

Yes yes to what ThePig said!!

PeshwariNaan · 09/08/2012 15:06

Yes Lou - very sorry, Blush please seek legal advice regarding what you are allowed to do as far as locks and mail. I like the bolt idea though!

ThePigOnTheWall · 09/08/2012 15:07

If you change the locks he has the right to force entry.

If you've merely added some extra security because you're nervous now that you're there by yourself because your twat face of a husband has fucked off it's much more of a grey area

Thymeout · 09/08/2012 15:13

Well done, Lou! That e.m. certainly rattled his cage. You're not following his script. You're meant to be an emotional wreck, longing to see him so he can explain to you just how in the wrong you are. And yet you seem to be avoiding him for some reason...

I do think you need to know as much as you can about the OW. Is she still on the scene, are they living together? Could you get one of your network to investigate his alleged address, a drive-by, a stake-out? Look at the electoral roll? Anything you can find out will help you predict his reactions and future plans. I'm also curious about the Italian trip. Who paid? Was it a genuine conference(?) tho without his boss? Paid for by his department? Or a complete fabrication. Was it an official itinerary on the fridge? Did he bring back any conference literature? Was OW simply along for the ride, or could she have been a work colleague? The more you know, the more difficult it is for him to lie to you.

He's such a difficult man to read. There's the contrast between the hysterical emotionalism in the days before he left - when he went round to your parents - and the cold-blooded planning involved in the Naples trip and the move itself.
He may be genuinely conflicted - he hasn't always been a bastard? - but I'm wondering whether the idea behind the sudden departure and the counselling is to prepare the way for the 'I HAD to leave for the sake of my mental health' gambit. Didn't his parents wonder whether he was having a breakdown? It's obviously extremely important to him to be thought well of. He needs a valid excuse to keep face. Which is why it's probably better not to play into his hands as a screaming harpy, no matter how justifiable. (No offence, Lou. You haven't yet, but wise to bear it in mind.) Also, it really, really, pisses him off when you don't react.

Thymeout · 09/08/2012 15:16

OMG. I've just seen the bit about Rod Stewart!

Mine cited Jack Nicholson when he went off with someone half his age. I can laugh now...

garlicnuts · 09/08/2012 15:18

I'm still in favour of changing the locks. Let him use the law if he wants keys. I'm sure he doesn't have the right to force entry, not without the police.

ThePigOnTheWall · 09/08/2012 15:20

garlicnuts yes he does have the right to force entry himself.

Original poster
LouP19 · 09/08/2012 15:20

Yes, I know, the less I react, or the more I look to regain some control, the more he seems to panic or get arsey in his texts. I need to keep remembering this.

Completely agree about the bereavement feeling. In some way I wish he had died. What he's done seems far worse, because I've lost him, the life I thought we had, the dreams I thought we shared. Not only that but he has roundly turned on me in the most manipulative cowardly way that I wonder if I'll ever be able to trust anyone ever again. This totally breaks my heart because I put my heart and soul into our relationship.

Re: the locks. I haven't actually changed any locks. The front door is bolted from the inside, as it always has been. What I have done is change the padlock on the side gate, which gives him access to the back door. The padlock has been faulty since we moved in so I could legitimately say that the padlock broke and I simply got a new padlock. So no 'house locks' have been changed yet.

OP posts:
mishymashy · 09/08/2012 15:23

Horray, the anger is back Lou! Keep hold of these feelings as this is what will get you through.

Do not let him play on your emotional side, stick with the anger. I wouldnt have been able to get out of bed every morning without that burning rage and hatred i felt for my Ex shit head. I was determined that he would not totally floor me, even though admittedly he did for the first 2 weeks!

Its funny but after 2 weeks of no contact, when i did eventually see him face to face he looked different. Pudgy faced, bit bloated, definitely more bald and most definitely not at all attractive. I had to sit down when he left and re group because i was so shocked at what the hell i saw in him in the first placeGrin It certainly was an eye opener because i was for the very first time seeing him with the same eyes as my friends and family did!!

Stick to the no contact.

Houseofplain · 09/08/2012 15:24

No he doesn't. That would be criminal damage. Even if it is is own house. You need to go through the proper channels to get back in. Most don't as it all gets worked out before then.

ThePigOnTheWall · 09/08/2012 15:25

You have the lock situation sussed Lou! Well done!

As I said earlier..yes...it feels like a death. I feel for you I really do.

MusicForTheMasses · 09/08/2012 15:55

I would put Return to Sender, no longer at this address on any post for him and just put it back in the postbox (scrub your address out so it doesn;t come back)