Chutney

[LouP19]

Where do I go? My thread has gone?!!

Bit upset by the soap opera comments, but understand it probably came out wrong. I like a quiet life. I like reading. I like staying in. I like cats. I like gardening and looking at stuff in Dunelm mill. This is NOT me at all.

Lou

Cant believe his response.........Really what is he playing at??

Not that i guess this matters but do you know anything about his OW? Who she is? Have you heard from any mutual friends, his family at all? do you know what he is telling people?

"I have the right to collect my post from my official address whilst I still pay the mortgage there"

Lou, the wording of this sentence makes me wonder if he has taken legal advice himself.

I am pleased your parents are helping with informing utilities, mortgage provider etc. The legal and financial side are still important. Personally, I wonder if you should get the house on the market ASAP. I know it's your home, but he won't pay the mortgage for long, and when he stops, you are going to be in further trouble. If the bank knew the house was on the market, they might give you more leeway (sp?) with regard to the mortgage payments, if he should stop paying them.

Would a lodger/boarder be a possibility at this point, to help with bills etc?

Agree with Madbuslady, I think he will definitely have plans regarding the house and finances. He's been so calculating it would be incredible if he didn't. The fact he took all the paperwork illustrates he's got some agenda.

You must protect yourself. X

This guy is so deluded - he makes my sbxh look sane - and that's saying something.

Agree with the others that have said you really need to look at protecting yourself in your property - I'm worried he'll try to empty the house completely.

What a wanker.

I think he forfeited his rights to come and go in your house when he upped and left with all the kitchen contents.

I personally would change the locks as God knows what else he wants to come and get his hands on while 'checking' his post. He probably wrote that blooming counselling letter himself as an excuse to come into your house. And agree, get more legal/financial advice asap. Perhaps the counselling (and statements about his moving out being temporary) is an excuse to drag things out so he can get in first with all the legal stuff.

I think you should redirect his post to the address he has given you as it might be a nice surprise for whoever lives there to get a redirection letter from the post office. He's obviously worried about it!

Wanker.

Legally, you can't have his post redirected but there's nothing to stop you getting someone at work to pass it on to him. You know, just to ensure there's no delay. If he's so anxious to prevent letters going astray how can he possibly say you are not being anything else but extraordinarily helpful?

Fuck, what an arse!

Lou, hats off to you. You're behaving with incredible restraint. I'm not sure I could be so measured in my responses.

Well done Lou, that seems to a rattled his cage!

Yep I would go for that´s ok, to avoid any issues I will use the internal mail system.

But then it should not be a problem untill you can see another solictor.

Seems to me that the email shows that he is not at the address he is claiming to be.

Do you have an email address for the "friend" he is staying with?

If so I am inclined to say a very polite email alongs the lines of

Dear XXX

I am very sorry, but I forwarded some post for the chutney robber to your house as he told me that he was staying with you.

Hope you don´t mind but I just wanted to let you know.

Thanks

Loup.

But then I am evil.

Well I wasn't retrained in my reply. I typed back something along the lines of 'You can't default on the mortgage without risking your credit rating. I know you went to Italy with OW. I know you are not living where you said you were. And I know I'm pregnant. Stop lying to everyone and deal with the consequences of your actions'.

And I've not heard from him. Just spoken to another colleague and she's very nicely told me I've got to stop contacting him now and let it lie a bit,...... She's right. I might just be losing some of dignity here. It is so very very hard, but promise that's it for now. Promise.

That's good advice to stop contacting him.

Be kind to yourself.

Ive been pondering this for a while.

If (and only if you decide to) you keep the baby, then if you can play sweet for the next 8 months, pretend to get flat on market (at over inflated price) once he suggests it, you would be in a stronger position, having tax credits and maint and in a better position to be able to afford it and it would become impossible to force sale.

Mescher order could be put in place.

Just a thought about playing a longer game.

Loup Deep breath and step away from the email and mobiel phone!

You´ve had you one free pass on sticking it to him, now it is time to cut contact, bounce his emails and ignor his text.

Breath, you are a wonderful women and he is a shit.

Come on girl you can do this, you will get through this, you are going to be ok.

Let hime stew.

PS. Loup I pmed you earlier hope that you got it.

Sorry LOUP ignor last message! I´ve replied.

Oh dear, he's starting to show his true colours now, isn't he? His Mr Reasonable facade is slipping, to reveal the delusional twunt spinning a whole web of lies. I suspect that now he is losing control of you he will start to get nasty - or very possibly beg you to let him come back to you (until next time he walks out) to fulfill his need to be in control.

Please get legal advice as soon as you can. It sounds as though the counselling thing may be a smokescreen to buy him time, agree with the above poster.

Lou, I come out of lurking to post a message in support.

I also have lost a DH to illness and I have said on other threads that, however you 'lose' your DH, you have to go through the grief process. Whether they walk out or die, the grief that the wife feels is exactly the same. It is grief for losing the future you had planned, grief because you feel a sudden loneliness. The person you would normally turn to when things are so bleak is the person who has 'gone'.

You describe the things I felt... the rock in your chest, the sheer enormity of facing the future, waking up every day after a fitful night's sleep and 'remembering' which means you have to newly grieve again. Time is NOT a great healer, but it allows you to learn new strategies to move on in your 'new normal'. It doesn't take weeks Lou, it takes months! For me it took 3 years.

The difference that widows have though is that we were never lied to, cheated on, disrespected or gas-lighted. We were loved to the last breath of our DH. Therefore, what you are going through emotionally is probably even harder in many ways.

I wish you strength, fortitude and dignity as you cope with your day-to-day issues. Just stake a step at a time and deal with what is important NOW. Put other things on the back-burner, but arm yourself with knowledge and information for when you need it.

You have the most incredible parents and friends - accept and cherish their support and wisdom as you forge your new life.

Lean on the MN peeps as much as you need. There is a huge resource of wisdom around. The decisions are yours - and yours alone - but this is a good source of advice when you need it..... or if ever you need to vent.

Love and prayers, SW

Your friend is right, Lou.

You can't redirect someone else's mail via the post office unless they're dead. The internal mail at work is a good idea, but I'd still go for Return to Sender or redirecting it to work, by hand. He's liable to accuse you of stealing his post - which wouldn't get him very far, but would give you extra brain damage.

As both you and Bus have said, the legal/financial side of things IS more important than the pg at the moment. Try to stay 'cold' when dealing with as many practical angles as you can. Glad you've got the day off tomorrow. Good luck! xxx

I think you're been amazingly restrained! She's right, the less you say to him the more dignity (and power) you have - he can't spin the old "my ex was mental" line if you don't do anything angry - BUT I don't know how you've held back so long, I'd be spitting with griefy rage at how unfair this all is.

I also think it's time to tell EVERYONE - not that you're pregnant, but that he's been having an affair. (If you already haven't).

Liars hate being exposed.

Forward any & all mail to the address you have for him (either by post or get someone to deliver them & put in large letters on the front)

FORWARDED BY HIS WIFE

I too am evil...

Just as another thought, Womens Aid strongly advice AGAINST any counselling for couples where there is a history of abuse as it is a total waste of time given that the Ex's don't think they have done anything wrong & they gaslight like mad to put you in a bad position & frame of mind. Nothing to be gained from it, I'd bin his forms & ignore the appointment & let him suffer the cost of the cancellation.

You are doing fab even though you don't feel it. You are so strong & level headed and I'm so glad your parents can do something practical to help you as they are probably feeling quite powerless.

I too have used spareroom.com & found it very useful. I went for a Mon-Fri lodger so that we had our w/e's to ourselves & my lodger is great, never there & pays up on time. You can dictate terms exactly as you wish (non-smoker, cat lover, hates chutney) & as Happylander says it might mean you can stay in the house.

Un-MN hugs if you'd like tehm.

I think you should contact your mortgage provider as a matter of urgency, tell them what has happened, and ask for advice.
Also speak to the Land Registry for advice about protecting your property, in case he tries to sell the house without your agreement.

It seems he has plans re the house and mortgage, which he may already have implemented. The business of the post and counselling is just a red herring / delaying tactic. The comments about a temporary move and OUR!! problems are a tactic to keep you focused on the relationship, and divert your attention from his real agenda, which is financial.

Get the WHICH guide to divorce ASAP, can probably be bought on line, it will tell you exactly what your rights are at every stage, and knowledge is power.

At present he is trying to ensure that you are powerless, you need to change that. See how much just a small action against his instructions has unsettled him?

Look after yourself, try to eat, rest when you can.

What a hideous/dangerous person he is, totally controlling and believing of his own lies.

Can you stop the re-direct so that he thinks he has control and you have done what he said, yet at the same time you can have a good look at what is arriving and decide what 'accidentally' gets lost.

Keep a diary, dates, texts and emails. Can you ask MN to ensure your threads are kept?

Sending you loads of virtual support x

Dear Lou,

You are a decent, normal kind of person. He is not. You can't foresee now what he might do, because his attitudes and actions are not those of a normal, decent person.

He is saying that he will come to/into your house whether you are there - perhaps on your own - or whether you are not. This does not seem a good idea in the circumstances.

I think you need to take legal advice as a matter of urgency. I think you need someone on your side who is experienced in relationship/financial matters and who therefore will be able to work out what he might be up to. I think you mentioned him pushing you out of a car before: perhaps you should check your memory for other incidents of physically abusive behaviour (we have all heard of enough instances of mental abuse on this thread) and talk to your solicitor. And perhaps even the police? You are emotionally very vulnerable at the moment and also physically vulnerable - you are pregnant and he doesn't want you to be - and I think you need to be protected against him, especially his coming unannounced to your home.

But as people upthread have said, you also need to concentrate on the money. He lies and lies - his actions have proved that - so you need to make sure that all the companies with which you have financial dealings know what is going on, and not whatever he has made up to tell them. And you need to put your own plans re the future into place, as soon as possible, against whatever Cuntney is cooking up.

Thinking of you.

Jeez this guy is a horrible fucker. He's left the marital home, therefore I'd be write to the council to get my single person's council tax reduction -you get 25 % off if only one adult lives at an address. You tell them the other person's name, what date they moved out, and give their new addrress. Guidelines will usually be on their website if you search 'single person reduction counctil tax.'

thinking of you Lou

Oh come on - that was still pretty restrained!

But your colleague is right - maintain your dignity. Besides, I think you were messing with him very effectively by not replying to anything.