Chutney

[LouP19]

Where do I go? My thread has gone?!!

Bit upset by the soap opera comments, but understand it probably came out wrong. I like a quiet life. I like reading. I like staying in. I like cats. I like gardening and looking at stuff in Dunelm mill. This is NOT me at all.

Hi lou. I've followed your thread from afar and think you are an inspiration. You deserve the OBE for demonstrating dignity and courage in the face of adversity. Once all the practical stuff is dealt with your ex will be irrelevant. Somebody as fabulously wonderful as you will always win through. Your darkest day has more meaning and soul than any day in his shallow existence. He is hollow. I would rather be in your shoes than his any day of the week. He's the one losing everything, not you. Treat yourself to a meltdown whenever you need to. You deserve it. Just keep it away from your shitty ex.

Juneau - Yes, but he has to find the money to rent his own accommodation on top of paying the mortgage. Unlikely that his salary would run to that.

Unless he moved in with the OW. But we don't know for sure whether they're still together, or what her financial position is. And, even then, I doubt whether he'd want to tie up a large part of his income for some hypothetical future gain. V hypothetical, given the state of the economy.

It's not in his interests short-term to stop paying the mortgage without notice, but I can't see him being able to afford to carry on indefinitely.

Hi Lou

I know this sounds trite, but you a grieving a very big loss. NOt the just the loss of exH, but the loss of what you wanted him to be, the perceived loss of your future, etc. This is HARD, one of the hardest things you will ever have to do is grieve for lost dreams. BUt there is help out there, we are here, your family is there, your friends are there, but you have to find your own way through this. Lean on help and support as much as you can, get some counciling if you feel it would help, and give yourself Permission to feel these emotions.

PS. I do not mean ANY disrespect to ANYone that has lost someone dear and very important to them. Grief is an incredably personal thing, and it can not be compared. hope you all understand what i mean. xxxx

Hey Lou, ONE DAY AT A TIME - IT'S ALL YOU CAN DO.

Like the sound of your proposed text, simple and direct. Hope your day improves xx

Yes Thyme - good point.

Ok, well I emailed him at work, very short and brief, just to say I've forwarded some mail to XXX, i.e. the address you provided. This is his reply:

'Please do not do anything with my post. I have the right to collect my post from my official address whilst I still pay the mortgage there. I asked you, politely, not to forward my post as I do not want this to be lost and some redirected post takes a long time before it arrives.

I have temporarily moved out of the house because of our ongoing problems. I am asking you again to please not forward any mail in case it gets lost or delayed.

I will collect my post as soon as I can, when you are not there if you prefer.'

DICK of the highest order. So I've told him if he defaults on the mortgage it won't be wise for his credit rating. And that it's about time he stopped lying to everyone. Not heard back from him, suspect he's shitting his crappy little M&S boxers now. Whenever he sends shite like this it confirms what a total and utter deluded, cowardly fucking LIAR he is.

Another reader delurking to commend you on how strong you are being. I am terribly sorry for what this awful man is putting you through, and think you are acting with remarkable dignity in the face of it all. Just wanted to add that I have lived in rental properties with cats before too - I am sure you will be able to find a way to keep them. I am glad to read of the support you are getting from family and friends, and think there has been some great advice given on here. Chutney Monster has behaved in a disgusting manner, which in a way might help you- anger is a more useful emotion than sadness after all. Sending you lots of virtual best wishes and luck to see you through this - remember, there will be sunshine after rain.

mummyinspain you are absolutely right and not in the least bit disrepectful imo. I was going to post almost what you did, word for word, and my DH did die.

What you are going through Lou is exactly what mummyinspain says - a sort of bereavement. A sudden, huge loss of everything: what you thought you had, your future hopes and dreams. That chutney bastard took all those away from you when he coldly plotted and planned his way into turning your world upside down.

Crying is not a bad thing, it is not a display of weakness. You are being incredibly strong in the face of such adversity. Tiny steps are good. Actually, making a to-do list is an excellent idea. Whenever I want to focus my mind, I always do one and it makes me feel really good when I get to tick things off. Number 1 on my list is always "write to-do list." It's great, and self-fulfilling!

When you feel you can't breathe, close your eyes and take huge, deep breaths. When you feel you will never stop crying, be assured that the tears will stop, at some point. You may cry again, but the tears do stop, I promise you. Massive hug to you Lou xx

The absolute cheek of that twunt.

OH. MY. GOD. He is SUCH an awful person. He can't STAND not being in control all of the time, can he? I don't know anything about the legalities of it, but morally speaking, he has NO right to ponce in and out of the house since he took his sorry ass and left. He is presumably lying about where he is living. What a pathetic excuse for a human being.

Sorry Lou, x-post.

A temporary thing?! No-one strips the food cupboard down to the fucking chutney if they are only moving out temporarily. They pack a bag, perhaps two with some essential clothes and toiletries. They do not systematically erase the very essence of their being from a place. Cunt.

What an utter cock. He sounds very cold and calculating in that text and if he has moved out every last piece of his stuff, that is not a temporary move and you have every right to forward his mail to a new address.

You are doing amazingly well, Lou. It's completely natural under the circumstances to be falling apart so be gentle with yourself. It will all work out, whether because you have lodgers, or find a job with more hours (just think of all that emotional energy which was being poured into the relationship and can now be devoted to positive things), or get a flat where cats are allowed (my rented place says no pets but the landlady explicitly said I could get a cat if I wished. It's definitely dogs which are the issue in these situations). It's just going to take time and you have to grieve first, and that feels horrible but there will be an end to it. You absolutely won't feel like this forever.

Oh and this 'I don't want my mail forwarded?' It's totally, 'I don't want the ow to discover anything about the pregnancy or that I'm saying I want to repair things with you.' I'm sure he's maintaining to her that it's over between you and maybe even that you're trying to contact him, beg, plead whatever and that he's simply communicating with you to check you're ok and to convince you it's properly over. The utter twat.

I am almost speechless - does he think you're stupid? What a wanker.

'temporarily' moved out, because of 'our' problems? What a load of fucking BS. Moved out because of his OW is more like it. What au utter bastard he is. He doesn't want you to have control over anything does he? He doesn't give a shit about what an awful position you are in. It's all about him. I feel desperately angry and upset for you.

Stay strong, at least you have a strong network of people behind you, don't feel you have to face it all alone. Xxxx

Well done Op, THAT REALLY GOT TO HIM.....

Perhaps you should tell him - Too late, have already arranged redirection with post office. There is no reason for you to come to this house as you have already taken away all your stuff and no more post will be arriving for you. The removal of your possessions and your self from this house was clearly TOTAL and FINAL and will not be considered temporary.

lou you are amazing! Do you think OW knows he moved out "temporarily"? He is so patronising and so desperately trying to position himself as reasonable. It is torture to him when you puncture that bubble.

Well, that pushed his button, didn't it ?

Wonder if he had to hire another van to move all of his belongings from the 1st temporary address to his current (presumably) temporary address? Could get quite expensive!

I reckon he will be going back to collect further stuff, at least his mail, from your house in the very near future. It is probably not worth antagonising him by changing the locks at this point, in case he does stop paying the mortgage, but is there any other way of stopping him gaining access, or making it difficult for him to do so? Change burglar alarm code? Bolt on main door and use another for exit/entry - one he hasn't got a key to, or change locks on that door only?

What a fucking twat he is and you are FABULOUS Lou! I think I hate him more every time he shows up what a tiny little prick he is. Go Lou, don't just take his bollocks, cut them off with pliers!

I suspect he's not at the address he gave you at all, nor has he warned the person at the address that he's being used as a cover story. So he's panicking that he is going to get caught out there and have some really embarrassing questions to answer, which make him seem like the bad guy.

I second the use of the back door and locking the front with the deadbolt if at all possible. Otherwise he's likely to come in when you're not there and I don't think you should let him have access to your house.

'I have the right' . He is truly breathtaking in his arrogance.

That shitty text has highlighted something I was wondering about saying, but wasn't sure about. I think that, crazy as it sounds, the legal/financial side of things IS more important than the pg at the moment. I'm glad you've got the hospital/fertility counselling appointments booked in but please, please use as much of the rest of the time as you feel able getting advice on protecting yourself from having this bastard pull the rug from under you. We have no idea what procedures/advice HE is undertaking while he keeps you dangling with this counselling nonsense. Every time ypu do something not to his liking the real him comes through.

OR - you could put up a BEWARE OF THE DOG sign and play a recording of a huge, vicious guard dog right by the front door (though your cats may need to wear ear muffs!)

Hi Lou, I have finally caught up with both threads and I continue to be utterly astounded by Chutney's behaviour. I think you are coping immensely well and am sending you good vibes.

Also, was just thinking you could look at that letter from the counselling place and find the phone number. Ring it up and cancel the appointment.

Well done Lou. I agree, if he had moved out temporarily then he would not have taken everything. He cannot have it all ways.

The first thing I did after H moved out was to tell him to redirect his post as he no longer lived there.

Stay strong and keep him away from the house.