Chutney

[LouP19]

Where do I go? My thread has gone?!!

Bit upset by the soap opera comments, but understand it probably came out wrong. I like a quiet life. I like reading. I like staying in. I like cats. I like gardening and looking at stuff in Dunelm mill. This is NOT me at all.

I second the above point about cats. I'm a landlord and allow them too and have always had cats when I was a renter so it's certainly not as big an issue as your may fear. Xx

Another person here who had no problem taking cats to 3 different rental properties.

Lou, I agree that the 2 issues are distinct

1. Do you want a future with Chitneytwat? (am guessing you have already made this decision, so no huge rush to put the wheels in motion. Please don't let him muddy the waters for you by allowing him into your head/house/inbox)
2. Do you want to go ahead with the pregnancy or not?

This is the bigger issue imo and I agree that your focus in the very short term should be accessing help and support to reach the right decision for you

Actually, there is a 3.. How are you going to secure the roof over yoir head in the short-medium term for ypu and your cats? Sounds like you are having to dance to your ex's tune to ensure he still pays the mortgage and utilities. Can you ask lender/providers to alert to any late payments and give you a chance to pay them? Could your parents/brother loan you some money so you have a buffer?

You are amazing.

I agree that the divorce can wait. What you need to focus on now (aside from yourself, your health and sanity - which is uppermost), is what you're going to do about your pregnancy and your living/financial situation. I'd put off the solicitor's appointment to another day. You know the hospital session is going to be draining and give you lots to think about - so focus on that.

And definitely contact your mortgage and utilities providers to let them know what's happened. Get it on file. Research your options re: the mortgage. Your ex surely doesn't have any personal interest in allowing you to get into arrears with your mortgage as it's his credit rating and equity too, but knowledge is power and knowing what you'll do if he does pull the rug out from under you will give you peace of mind and make you feel a bit more in control. At the moment he is controlling you because he has the power to pay or not pay. He also exercised his power by abandoning you. You'll feel a bit better if you can grab some of it back.

Hi, Lou.

About the cats - when I was looking for a rental place, nearly every advert said no pets; I think it's a standard box to tick with the letting agents. In reality, when I 'phoned round a load of possible places, I didn't have a single landlord who didn't say 'oh, two cats are fine'! In fact, in my current 'no pets' rented house, it turned out the last lady had seven of them!. So don't let this worry you.

NoMore is correct, we used to enquire and just offer to get the carpets cleaned when we moved out.

Just to say I'm thinking of you still.x

Thanks all. Just rang my Mum and had a massive cry. M+D have said they'll speak to the building society and all the utility companies for me this week to alert them to the situation and find out if there's any short term help available.

I just can't cope with the enormity of all the decisions facing me. Finally crumbling. Need to go to work so I can escape from the house for a bit, but I did burst into tears twice at work yesterday.

I'm going to send him a brief email at work to say 'All your mail has been directed to XXX'. And leave it at that.

Morning Lou, I can't offer anything useful to say other than I'm thinking of you and hope your day goes ok. Try not to worry about the cats, things will be fine.

Please don't do counselling with him or even let him into your house.

Lou, sending you strength for all you have to deal with at the moment. xx

Lou, you are going through more trauma than any one person should ever be expected to in a lifetime, and handling it really well. Reading how you are dealing with things leads me to believe that you will make all the right decisions when the time is right.

Two things do concern me a little. The way that the Counselling has been arranged - payment up front etc - does not resonate with what I know of normal procedure. I am not suggesting that they are not legitimate, but given your H`s propensity for arranging things to suit his needs, maybe you ahould check with the BACP. I found it very strange that, after his appalling treatment of you, his first communication immediately mentions couples counselling. This indicates, once again, a lot of pre-planning, in much the same way as his organising his departure.

The other thing, it is seldom a good idea to have more than one form of Counselling running concurrently. Counselling is a process that takes a lot out of you, if entered into properly, and you are already running on empty, emotionally. Focusing completely on the Fertility Counselling, and its aftermath, will be more than enough for you to deal with, in my opinion. You are the one who will decde, however, and Im sure you make the right choices Lou.

Hi Lou

I have to disagree with the other posters, try not to dwell on the pregnancy too much at the moment (hard I'm sure). Until you've had the scan on Tues you don't know if it's actually viable, especially with the false negative you had. I would hate for you to have made a decision about continuing or not & then find out that it was your of your hands.

Regarding the cats, I'm sure you will find some way of keeping them. But if the worst happens and they have to be re-homed, then your care of them will have improved their mental health such that they will find it easier to settle. Whatever way you look at it, you have made their lives better - no way have you let them down!

Keep going.

Lou. I am a couple of weeks into having my heart broken too. Completely different circs. Nobody's fault. But I just wanted to say I really related to how you describe the pain hitting you in the chest and the rock in your throat. I feel that too. And the churny panicky pain that hits you in a wave. I don't know if it helsp to know someone else is suffering too but it might help to know you are a. not alone and b. completely normal

Be kind to yourself today

Lou, you might not think so but you really are doing incredibly well. I'm not sure I'd manage to get myself to work in your circumstances.

Be kind to yourself, your emotions will be all over the place, breaking down and crying at work is normal.

Give yourself time to process everything and don't let Chutneyface try and impose his opinions on you. I really think you need to avoid the joint counselling especially when you are feeling so vulnerable. I worry that it would just leave you feeling awful afterwards. As he has so clearly demonstrated, he is not concerned about your feelings and doesn't have your best interests at heart so I don't see the point of going. He isn't going to tell you the truth and is likely to use the session to criticise you further. He obviously has his own agenda which has nothing to do with helping you. (Maybe he's told the OW that you have requested couples counselling and he has to do it because he's such a nice person?) Whatever you do, don't feel pressured into going because you're worried about him paying the mortgage.

Perhaps you could enlist your parents' help in finding out what your options are financially. Maybe they could go to the CAB on your behalf and work out if there is a way of affording to stay where you are.

Thinking of you x

Morning Lou. I get that crashing feeling every morning when I wake up and remember reality. This morning I told myself that I wasnt going to think about him at all.

It's still such early days for you and youARE doing so well.

I agree re postponing solicitors, they can wait for now.

Also agree with cats and rental properties, a lot if places will take them.

Regarding utilities. Remember you can get a 25% discount for single occupancy so you need to let your council know. I do t know how many hours you work or what you earn but you may be entitled to some working tax credit now. Please PM me if you want more info.

Have a good day at work. I always find I'm better when I'm working at clients rather than home on my own.

Look after yourself . xx

Hello Lou just checking in for the day.

Well done on the email front - that is all that needs to be done with regard to him at the moment.

I don't want to make suggestions as to what is right or wrong because the choices ahead are entirely yours. For the short-term you need to get sorted out financially but from what you say, your parents are 'on' it, so I honestly wouldn't worry. For reasons I won't go into here (don't want to derail the thread) I have become financially responsible for a batch of bills which I am unable to pay. I have informed the companies of the situation and they are accepting of the facts and happy to wait until such time as they can be settled. So please don't worry about that so much - as long as they are informed, then there is little they can do.

I would say that it sounds as though chutney has his own agenda, and is acting in a way that really sounds sociopathic - trying to manipulate everyone to see him as reasonable, nice and having 'done the best', but from what you say, it is is not washing with anyone - so the only person he is fooling is himself. So let him. Redirect the mail, redirect your phone/change your number and reduce contact. The 'him' you thought you knew has (sadly) gone.

Use the network of support around you to bolster you, to buoy you up and to take care of the minutae of things. Take all the time you need to investigate possible outcomes of the situation you're in. Take all the time you need to listen to that strong, practical, well-balanced woman that is Lou - she is very wise. x

Lou, just make out to-do lists, prioritise what's important, do as much as you can and then rest.
You are doing so well.

Hi Lou,

Hesitant to offer advice on this board but, on a practical matter, would a lodger be a sensible option at this point. Could you rent out a room for enough to pay the mortgage to keep you and your cats where you want to be?

As to the rest, it sounds like you have a fantastic RL network of family, friends and work colleagues. I think your focus should be in dealing with what are now solely your decisions in a calm manner away from your husband, using this RL support. I would, at least in the short term, only deal with him through your solicitor. In the medium term, who knows, that is entirely up to you. Right now, you do not need someone who has his own agenda clouding your thoughts.

Personally, and I know it is a male way of looking at things, I would make a list of practical issues to be dealt with and then tick them off as I dealt with them. It makes everything seem more manageable and, as you start to deal with things, it will bolster your self esteem and you will find yourself becoming more confident.

Practical post Lou, if your mum is going to start calling around, depending on the level of conversation she wants to have with them, It's probably a good idea for you to be present. Many places won't speak to third party because of the DPA but once passed by you (of course if the accounts are in your name/joint) she can then speak freely and obtain advice. Also have fuckingbastardarsehole H's forwarding address handy to inform ALL where he is.

Take it easy on yourself Lou, as others have said regarding your cats, you will find a pet friendly place if you have to move, even if you have to look around for longer, YOU WILL find somewhere.
I agree Tuesday is going to be tough for you but maybe it's better to get it over with all in one go iykwim. Keep your mum by your side for support, you can do it Lou, you're a strong, amazing and fantastically brave lady.
Take care of yourself xxx

Remember the AA advice: one day at a time. And if you can't make one day, 1 hour at a a time. And if you can't make one hour, 10 minutes at a time.

Big hugs to you. How I remember the stone in my heart. Remember that chutney is NOT YOUR FRIEND.
I am very very suspicious about this counselling. This is his glorious drama, remember he is coming in from the feelgood side, he is getting the admiration and the support and the wonderful orgasms and the heady love, and now he is going to have a stage to set it all out and by the good guy! - and you are the dustbin.

IF you do go (and I hope you don't), just say the word 'narcissist' in a sentence quite quickly on to alert the counsellor (he probably won't even notice).

The thing that has completely scarred me, was his unfeeling cruelty. So it wasn't active malice it was passive; but he did not care how I was feeling, what I thought, whether I hurt. I was a dust ball under his bed.

And I am getting HUGE vibes like this from your not-a-friend. Protect yourself.

Also, talking to the building society is a good idea. You can have mortgage holidays of up to 2 years, can you not? They are very reluctant to foreclose so I hear.

You have so many big decisions to make at the moment Lou, be kind to yourself and take it slowly. One decision at a time.

I'm glad your parents and friends are there for you. Try not to get too irritated with your folks. They will be furious on your behalf and have their hands tied which will be frustrating. Let them tell his parents everything, i would.
That last text off him would make me resolute. Your life, your decisions to make.

With regard to the house and you wanting to stay in it, if possible, the fact that it currently holds no equity for either of you could be a good thing, because your ex has nothing to gain from selling it. If there was equity in it, you'd be in a more worrying position IMO. At the moment it's actually in his interest to keep paying the mortgage and waiting until it's really worth something to you both. That could take years.

My DC worry they will turn out like their Dad but they have witnessed too much, they WILL NOT turn out like their cunt abusive father as I am teaching me the right way to treat people. They see what he has put me through, they no longer wish to see him, even for a 5 hour visit, eldest thinks his father may be crazy.

I agree no contact. Mine when visiting DC here would sit with me and lie lie lie. I went no contact at all, he is very angry and now making me look like total mud a lunatic.

Some can see through this some cannot, I have the biggest fight ever on my hands now to keep my DC safe.

I found it difficult to find somewhere for me and beloved cats but we did and we stil have them.

Stay strong and take care of yourself.

I have 3 positive things out of terrible abusive marriage, my DC.

mud and a lunatic and quite mad also. Sorry typos.

Hello Lou,

Having a good cry is very therapeutic. You need an outlet for all the emotional distress. Don't hold it back. I don't know a single decent person who wouldn't be moved by someone in tears. People will come to your aid if you want them to.

Well done for passing those "admin" jobs on to Mum & Dad. They are probably desperate to help but as they love you so much, they may be wary of stepping in and bombarding you with options and suggestions. Trust that they will do what is right. They will not let you down.

Cats - I had a similar situation with a much loved, very timid rescue cat. 4 years down the line he is living with me and has not been scarred by the upheaval. Animals are very resilient and loyal. True friends for you and you won't lose them.

Big Un MN hug for you - Gold Medal for Bravery xxxx

Hi Lou, I have been following your thread with much admiration for how strong a person you and how dignified you are. I certainly wasn't when my Ex phoned me to tell me had left me and our DS 3 weeks before his second birthday. You will be fine and there will come a point where you won't miss him and you will be bloody glad at the escape you have had.

In regards to what you feel about being pregnant you will do what is best for you and don't let anyone sway you least of all him as he is clearly selfish and just thinking abut the impact it would have on his life. I just want to say though that when I look at my DS I don't see his loser of a father I see him, I see my little monster that drives me crazy at times but I don't look at him and see his father even though he looks like him. My DS is a little person in his right. My little family is just me and DS and all my friends and family.

Think about getting a lodger to help you keep the house www.spareroom.co.uk is were I found mine and it is fab. It has meant I can keep my house and that has to be something.