Chutney

[LouP19]

Where do I go? My thread has gone?!!

Bit upset by the soap opera comments, but understand it probably came out wrong. I like a quiet life. I like reading. I like staying in. I like cats. I like gardening and looking at stuff in Dunelm mill. This is NOT me at all.

I think you would coime to regret not having this baby. I have been thinking it for a while but I didnt like to say, sorry

Lou, I very rarely tell this, it is painful and very private.
I terminated a pregnancy at the end of what had been an abusive relationship. Although it had only been a 2 yr one and not a marriage.

It will always be the best decision I made at the time and under those circumstances.
My life was in a difficult place, and I was thoroughly depressed after his treatment of me, it was a deciding factor in the decision as I couldn't contemplate his abusive behaviour continuing in my life.
That is the simplified version.

For me personally, it has also been the single most painful and deeply regretted decision I have ever had to make.

If I could have guaranteed that he would have no place in my life whatsoever, I would have kept the baby.

Years later when my H left me, with 2 children, I did feel strongly that I have never wanted to be a 'single Mum'.
But other posters are right. You can define what family is, even if it isn't what you anticipated.

I am so sorry you have found yourself in this position now of all times. x

It's quite odd reading your last post, Lou, as your feelings about being pregnant are almost the opposite to mine under comparable circumstances. I'd had many early miscarriages beforehand and felt that, if this was a "sticker", I'd throw myself into making it work as a family of two. I was 34. My family and friends were dead against it, pointing out all the drawbacks you've just highlighted! In the end, I decided to do nothing. I was far too stressed to take care of my health as one should at such times, devoted myself to my high-pressure job, and miscarried late.

I'm not sure why I'm telling you this except as yet another "I get it, it happened to me too" story. The drawbacks you've mentioned are real, though not insurmountable, and there is in fact life for women without children: I've certainly done a lot of amazing things instead of having DC. Like you, I love children and expected to have them, but never did feel the craving I know some women do. Hoping to reassure you the options are wide and various - none of them 'wrong'!

I do think he manipulated you into a position of financial dependence, which is biting you now. I agree it would be good to keep the house as you love it and have fab neighbours - what will it take to do that? If you went full-time, got a lodger and changed to a mortgage with lower repayments, could you do it?

If the answers to that paint a grim picture, it could be worth taking a long look at what smaller properties are available in the same area - to rent or to buy - and doing the sums again. One of the many things I've learned (due to being shafted by TWO twunts - I'm a slow learner) is that my talents made those homes wonderful to live in. Not the actual buildings, or the quality of the fittings (though I miss that), but the way I pull the bits together and make a home.

It's very much like my earlier rambling post about the marriage having been made of your love, regardless of the other person. You will find, I think, that your home is made of your style and your personality. All your good qualities go with you, wherever you are and whomever you're with. You just learn to deploy them judiciously in future

Apologies for yet another long ramble, which probably hasn't been much help ... Don't worry about being narky with your parents, they can stand it. It's great that your friends are doing normal stuff with you and that you ate! Yay, well done!! Do keep on taking care of you. x

My H walked out saying he would carry on paying what he always had. That lasted about 8 weeks... He said he would be happy to live in a bedsit but is still lodging with friends 4 months later.

I agree you can't have a baby to punish X but you also say that you have been trying for three years do this was a much wanted baby.

On the other hand, while I would never ever wish my DD away, I did tell H when he left that I would have never had a child with him at 36 if I knew he would walk away 4 years later. BUT I love my DD and I'm not alone, I have her for company and she is what keeps me going. I think that without her I would be in an even darker place than I am now. But it does annoy me that because of her, I have to have contact with him for the next god knows how many years.

Try and get some sleep, you must be exhausted. I'm glad that you have some good friends around you.

Lou, I'm going to say something a bit full on here, so skip it if you don't want that kind of thing in your life. SCROLL DOWN NOW!! MORE CAPS AT THE END SO YOU KNOW WHERE TO SKIP TO! PLUS A WHOLE LINE OF THESE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It might be that your choice here is that you become a mother (now, less than ideally) or that you never become a mother, particularly since it has already taken you a while to conceive. I'm saying this as someone who found it really hard to conceive from 35 onwards (which was roughly when I started trying) and who has had two expensive rounds of unsuccessful IVF. I have one kid. I have tried and tried and I think I was just too old to have another after her (was nearly 38 when I had her after some years of constant attempts).

Alternatively, this baby might not make it to term. It's very early days and we just don't know. Miscarriages are really common, even in the young and superlatively fertile.

I absolutely support your right to choose what you want to happen inside your own body and have no doubt that you are capable of doing so. I just wanted to make it clear that you are quite possibly choosing between baby and no baby rather than baby now and baby later with normal father who might be nice to you. I think it's not always clear in this kind of situation and I have friends who have had bad experiences because of this kind of thing.

FINISHED NOW, CARRY ON! IGNORE THAT BIT UP THERE IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE READING IT!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So why say now 20weeks ?

Not very helpful. This is the ops decision, she doesn't need guilt from posters off the Internet, just support.

What you decide to do now is none of his business, so don't be drawn in to discuss it with him. You have a long time before you have to make a decision, so you don't have to rush it.

It is terribly tempting to suggest that you reply to the twunt's text with a simple " there is no 'we'. " and leave it at that, but I think that replying at all, in any way, will be playing his game, allowing him to continue to play you; so, much as I am enjoying imagining his face when he gets that simple reply, I think that not replying at all will be far more sensible. Remember how he was when he was texting you at first and you didn't reply?

Your colleagues sound excellent. Your family (even your uncle!) are solidly behind you. There are a load of truly excellent people here for you too. Use every bit of the support that is there for you, and whatever other support comes up too. Counselling for yourself will help a lot, too.

Again, you are an extraordinary person, LouP.

Another delurking to offer support.

I don't have anything to add to the amazing support and advice you have received so far but just want to say you are doing amazingly well. You have so many people on your side here and in real life, all he has is a blonde girl who he is afraid he will lose if she finds out the truth (and some chutney!) Really, he has nothing and you have everything.

Wrt the house - have you considered letting rooms? If I have it right, you work in a university so would be well placed to find suitable lodgers. This would ease the pressure for a while at least.

I would be another advising you against engaging in counselling with him. There doesn't seem to be any benefit for you. Surely, couple counselling is about trying to save a relationship? He has shown conclusively that he has no interest in doing that.

Whatever you do, put you and your needs first. Good luck

I do agree with 20weeksandcounting and I feel so desparately sad for your situation. But I also think as you were TTC for so long, that the baby could be a positive thing inamongst all this shit.

fhdl34, I find your remark personally offensive given what I've posted about my story. Luckily I don't need your approval of the choices I've made (and not made) or a baby to validate my existence. I'm not making this thread about me so please don't reply

You can rent a room and keep the money tax free under the rent a room scheme, you can earn £4250 a year tax free.

I'm having to remortgage over 25 years to get affordable repayments to keep my house. It pisses me off because I bought my first house in 2000 and feel like I've got nowhere in 12 years, but we started again in 2006 so we could afford this place and I want to keep it and can't rent for less than the lower mortgage cost will be.

You could go interest only if you aren't already and that would make it cheaper too.

Sorry, random advice about mortgages ! I'm an accountant by trade so always dealing with facts and figures lol.

Skye, can I just say how impressive you are? I remember your threads and am thrilled to see your thoughts are so together now :)

Oh, now that sounds like a good scheme. I don't know how much short you are financially, but that would help.

(Can't refrain from pointing out that the CSA would also ensure that you got money coming in, and also there would be soe maintenance payments from him for you, as he encouraged you to work part-time and not to seriously pursue a career.)

Lou, I completely understand how you feel. You wanted to be a couple with a baby. This is mumsnet. There will be many posters who have taken the decision to go it alone with a child and very few, if any, will regret their choice because they have too much invested in it and now their child is here, how could they say they wish they had acted differently? And those who empathise with your fertility problems are ttc with a partner. They might feel differently if the partner disappeared, as yours has effectively done.

As you recognise, there are many practical reasons why following through with the pregnancy will make your life more difficult. It might simply be, as another poster upthread said, too high a mountain for you to climb. I'm sure your counsellor will help you to weigh up your options in the best way for you.

Regarding the house, I see that he referred to it as 'our house'. I imagine he thought that you (plural) would have to put it on the market and he would use his share of the equity to buy somewhere for him to live. In which case, stopping paying the mortgage would surely be against his interests?

garlicnuts I'm sorry to have offended you, I hadn't (and haven't) read your post. As I often do on MN, I just read what the OP writes and responded to that as really it's about her, not anyone else. I'd just happened to read 20weeksandcounting's because it was the last one as I scrolled down and I agreed with it. I'm pro-choice but I also understand how it feels TTC for so long and thinking it will never happen.
I think Lou would make a wonderful Mum, from everything she says about the sort of person she is, it seems to be a role she was born to and given that's the sort of person she is and what she's made her life around, I think she may come to regret a termination decision. That doesn't mean I'm saying she shouldn't terminate, I'm just offering an opinion based on what she's said about her as a person and her ideals in life.

Another lurker adding my support.
I too don't see the point in counceling (sp).
It won't help you, it will only fuel his ego.

You can rent somewhere and get help with the rent as a single mum, if that if what you chose to do.

I think you're a very strong woman and coping amazingly well. Don't rush into any decisions just yet but i would certainly detach from the twat!
Stay strong!
Xx

Why have I said so now - because having read all the OPs posts (not all the replies), the concern has been rising in me - and while I am very pro choice, I think fear of being accused of not being pro choice keeps people quiet sometimes.

I had a friend in a similar position to OP, he kept saying they would have children one day - then he dumped her from a great height after 13 years together - she never met anyone til too late and she bitterly regrets that she has never had children because she allowed her ex to dominate her choices at that point in time.

So I have said something - because the OP is 36 and has been ttc for a long time and I would hate for the OP to regret makin a decision now and then potentially regretting it for the rest of her life

I know I have worded this really badly - I cant get the words in my head right in black and White and I've not had the best day today at all.

How about everyone stops talking about the pregnancy for now?

At least until Lou expressly says she wants to hear opinions and experiences on that particular aspect.

Given the little she hassaid so far about it, someof these posts are bordering on manipulative (although im sure its meant with kindess, the fact is people are allowing their own opinions on a very difficult subject colour what they are posting).

Keep strong Lou, you'll be ok x

But she knows all that anyway, 20weeks, youre not sharing any revelations here so there is no need to say it.

I'll shut up now.

Don't apologise for feeling negative at the min lou. your emotions will be over the place so ups and downs will be normal. You'll go from positive to negative with seemingly no cause, or you'll feel brilliant only for something tangible (like the letters) to bring you crashing back down. It's awful and horrid but pefectly normal, so don't worry too much about it.

I know the counselling from the fertility clinic seems daunting but you'll probably find it really helpful to talk through all your options and all your feelings with someone unbiased and neutral. There are lots of points to consider, some of which will weigh heavy on each side. It's an unenviable position you're in that's for sure. There are such strong points on either side that any decision probably seems impossible right now. You don't have to feel rushed into a decision though, so take your time, consider all your options.

The counselling can still be cancelled if that's what you want. In fact if it's not been paid for yet it's not even booked yet iyswim. Feel free to tell him where to shove it!

20weeks - the OP has not asked for advice about that imo. And I don't think it's our place to offer it unsolicited. I am sure she is doing plenty of thinking without us project our own life experiences onto her situation.

Hope you are OK Lou xxx

why are you jumping at me? I have been back through and there are plenty of posts saying the same, I had initially only read the ops - this being such a fast moving thread thats what i always do, scan OPs posts.

Lou I am still seething from reading his text. The feeling I get about the counselling is that he is very much intending to control it. Really ask yourself what you can gain from it. I think a few sessions on your own will be more fruitful. I am so pleased you have good RL support.
I second the chorus that in fact it is his betrayal, affair, clinical removal of "his" things from your house, while you were trying to conceive that could not have happened at a worse time.
Good luck with your decision about the pregnancy. Maybe try painting a few scenarios of where you want your life to be in 5 years time and see what resonates with you. Most importantly do not be bullied by Chutneytwunt - what ever decision you make you will have to live with, so it needs to be a decision that you can get behind.

ex is a knob who will come to regret his treatment of you Lou, and you will be living a lovely life when he does - Karma, its a powerful thing (I hope)