Chutney

[LouP19]

Where do I go? My thread has gone?!!

Bit upset by the soap opera comments, but understand it probably came out wrong. I like a quiet life. I like reading. I like staying in. I like cats. I like gardening and looking at stuff in Dunelm mill. This is NOT me at all.

madbuslady Can i PM you? Just have some questions on that article? Nothing rude or anything, just that i dont want to discuss on Lou's thread?

Bus, I'm so glad you posted that link! I'd been looking for the article, but couldn't remember the link.

I would like to remind this thread, again, that Lou's pregnancy is still an unknown quantity. It is absolutely her right, no-one else's, to decide whether to terminate. There is also a strong possibility it may terminate itself.

If ChutneyTwat is bang out of order to try and influence Lou - and we all agree he is - then so is everyone else who tries to sway her thinking. Several posters here do seem to be trying. Please think before you post! Ask yourself whether a shocked and vulnerable woman is likely to read your words as entirely, unemotionally neutral? If not, then please do ask yourself why you're trying to manipulate her.

Lou, Please be very careful regarding the counselling that has been arranged. I agree totally with Babylon that something is not right. I have been a Counsellor for many years, and have never sent out paperwork before even seeing the client/clients. Or afterwards for that matter. Everything is done with confidentiality in mind. It is also not normal procedure, with any of the types of therapy, to ask for payment in advance. I feel that this man, once again, is lying, and following his own agenda, for his own devious reasons.

Have PMd you Pickles

I agree with Bubba about the counselling, it makes zero sense and it's just a way of dragging the whole thing out. He's trying to make himself into a noble but blighted character in some sweeping operatic tragedy, whereas in fact he's just a seedy little arsehole.

Very glad you've got a supportive network at work too lou. I hope this is showing you how loved you are by those around you, that everyone is so willing to help you.

I personally would not consider his offer of counselling. I would look for counselling for myself, just to sort my own head out. It can only benefit you. It's very good to hear the fertility clinic are able to offer you some counselling too, I hope you will find it useful.

Wrt his text I would inform him that I had forwarded it to the address he had given me, so there is no need to come round. You don't need him invading your space (and it is your space now), especially if you have concerns he's returning to take more furniture.

You're doing brilliantly hun. Keep it up.

garlicnuts you are bang on. Nothing is for certain at the moment (except the total arse value of Chutney).

Lou will make the right decision for her and it may take some time yet. My stomach churns at her dilemna so God knows how she is coping. Lou you are an amazing person.

I do feel strongly though that you must not let Chutney into your home. Something here feels very wrong and even slightly sinister. I don't want to add to your worries but if you do feel you want him to collect this letter or go to counselling or meet or anything else - please take someone with you. If nothing else it will piss him off and, much more importantly, you will have a "minder' and a witness and someone to hold your hand.

Fucker

xx

Hope you are doing ok LouXanadu having a nice evening. Xx

Hello, a friend came home from work with me, we went to the pub for some tea (I ate a lentil shepherd's pie and some peas and felt so bloated after!).

Anyway, got back to 3 bombshell letters. First one from the Fertility Unit re: a scan next week, a chance to 'chat' to someone and to explain my options. What the fuck. Then the mortgage statement from Nationwide. Again, just want to cry because this house represented a future for us and we've basically spent all of our savings on home improvements which the solicitor roundly informed me we probably won't get back in a sale. And then I got a letter from a counselling company, stating that we (yes, it was addressed to Mr and Mrs) have an assessment on 21st August, and that in order to attend we needed to complete the slip and send it with a cheque for £40. So on that score he was right, but still not letting him come to the house. I might put it in the internal mail at work,........

My Dad spoke to me tonight and has suggested speaking to his Dad and telling him straight about the dire straights that he has left me (and as a consequence them) in. I told him I wasn't sure, he isn't very close to his parents and they treat him like golden bollocks anyway, I think it's them just wanting to vent their spleen a bit. Getting massive support from my parents but now getting a bit irritated with them (which is AWFUL) because I'm dreading the possibility that I may have to move back home. I'm 36 in 2 months.

Having another very wobbly evening. I wanted a FAMILY, not a baby. I'm not one of those women who goes ga ga whenever I see a baby, but I do love seeing families playing on the beach or in the park or whatever. That's really what I wanted, not to be stuck at home with a baby that means it's likely he'll be in my life for the next few years. This is my very strong gut reaction. As much as I wanted a family, I guess I would see a baby as holding me back from meeting someone else and moving on with my life.

And the financial pressures are totally overwhelming. I'm worried that if I send him a 'fuck off and deal with my solicitor' type communication too soon he'll stop paying the mortgage. This is what the solicitor advised he may do. And then I become liable for it. And he may then stop other direct debits that pay towards household bills. And I won't know. I currently deposite a 'contribution' to this account for all household expenses and then most of the bills come from his account. I now realise this puts me at a massive disadvantage. :-(

I don't want to lose my home. I was crying on the phone to my Mum tonight and said the bastard is taking everything, but I don't want to lose my home. I like it here, I like the community, I like my neighbours, it's ideal for the cats. Home represents who I am.

Sorry, another negative post.

((hugs again))

I'm atually welling up reading this. Pregnancy hormones I'm sure, But delurking to say please don't let this horrible man rob you of your much longed for baby.

It breaks my heart to think after everything you have been through to have this child you may not have it because of a selfish horrific human being who clearly has sociopathic tendencies. Has he no feelings?

This child has actually come at the right time. It is a blessing, something to focus on. The fact he has written such a despicable thing I hope will focus your anger and make you start seeing this child offers a brighter future.

What he means by nothing wrong with either of you is that he doesn't want to get back together so is trying to make you think there are other opportunities in the future. At 36 and after fertility problems?!

As the child of a single mum who didn't have a father her entire childhood due to not dissimilar circumstances, I just want to say that you and your baby will be more than fine, you will be happy. Without the Chutney munching minger!

Yet another lurker here.

You need to contact your mortgage company and tell them your situation. They are usually quite happy to help you out if you let them know in advance that there could be problems. If you say nothing and then find out your H has stopped paying you will have more of a problem.

Can you tell your H that he is to only contact you via email? That way you can keep a full record of everything he says in writing. You will also be able to block his phone number and negate the temptation to text him.

You're doing so well, hang on in there (((hugs)))

No apologies necessary at all Lou.

There is an awful lot to contend with and you must be emotionally wrought, drained and at the end of your tether right now.
It's normal though.

How dare he? All of it.
What right does any human being have to screw someone's life up with so little regard?

I hope you sleep OK.

Oh and you and the baby will be a family. Not all families have a man in them....

I'm not telling you what to do, I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through and what I would do in that situation. But I just wanted to say that if you decided to have the baby, you would get a family. Not all families have 2 parents. I'm not saying it would be easy, I tip my hat to all single parents, how they do what they do I'll never know and I hope I never have to find out. But you would be a family.
Please don't take this post as me saying that I think you should go ahead with the pregnancy, there is no judgement here, I'm definitely pro-choice. I just wanted to say that you would get what you wanted - a family. It just wouldn't necessarily look how you expected it to.

Lou -- send the text you want to send. Exactly those words.

And tell him to take his counselling and shove it up his arse.

I agree there is something very fishy about the paperwork and payment thing.

God knows what he may be after -- maybe the cats? I wouldn't put it past him.

That aside, his dictatorial tone here and his attitude to the pregnancy show that there is absolutely no point talking to this man about anything. There is absolutely nothing to talk about. He is a sociopath and narcissist. What Leverette said about his basic assumption, his basic way of seeing the world and your relationship is shockingly true. He believes he is the centre of the universe.

I know everything is happening all at once and it feels like being hit by a train, but contact your bank and find out the true money situation, contact the mortgage company, contact the utilities that are due to be paid, and hire a solicitor. You need to take care of yourself financially and you must not fall into the trap of depending on him to keep any promises he has made to you about money when he has broken all the others.

What your uncle said is right. He is also trying to make himself look like Mr Reasonable, trying to salvage the relationship, explain patiently to you how wrong you have been in everything you ever said or did, how you have let yourself go, how you have smothered him or been cold, or frigid, or putting too much pressure on him TTC -- blah blah blah. Do not depend on a counsellor to see through this blarney.

It is quite possible that he did not go to Italy but elsewhere with the OW (or OM). That way he could tell you with a straight face that he didn't go to Italy with her (or him).

Nothing to be ashamed of Lou, I totally get what you mean about longing for a family, I feel the same and would probably want a fresh start if I were in your shoes. You could move on from all this in a year and meet the love of your life.

You're still very young and have lots of options.

One day at a time Lou. That's all you need to worry about. You have had such a massive shock. I know how I felt and still do and you have had a hundred times the shock that I had! Everything will be going round and round in your head, you need to try and switch off (I still can't sometimes).

I wanted to be a family and my H has taken that away from me and more importantly from DD and I hate him for that more than anything.

Obviously if you have a child he has to help keep a roof over its head. And you'd be surprised how much you would get in tax credits etc. BUT it is very much your decision where you go from here but you need to be equipped with all the facts. But you can't have a child just to keep your house...

Do not let him push you into anything, that's the main thing. Take your time to sit and think. Maybe post in lone parents for others who have gone it alone to get a true idea of what you would be facing...

Your strength and courage so far has been amazing and I for one support you whatever you decide to do.

I suppose it would mean keeping him and his genes in my life. And I'm not sure I can do that,........ I know I need time to think, but the only reason I'd keep the baby now (and I know this may change) is to punish him. So I recognise it'll be one poor fucked up little kid. And yes completely agree, it's a bad time for him because he's told the OW that I'm either not on the scene, or we don't sleep together, or god knows what. Really ironic considering we've been trying very hard to conceive for months now. In fact we've been trying in total for 3 years. Three years.

Anyway, I'm very tired. Talking to lots of people in RL permanently, plus texting and emailing people. I just wish there was an 'off' switch somewhere. Thank you all so much, really appreciate your support.

Please don't look too far into the future and see your 'maybe baby' as holding you back from moving on and meeting someone else, as it doesn't have to be like that.

My cousin had her son, not only as a single parent, but as a not-quite-16 year old. With the support of her family she completed her education, got a good job, home and car of her own and in 10 days time is marrying a fantastic bloke who thinks the world of her and her son and treats him 100% as his own.

Another friend of mine met her DH when her daughter was 18 months (her first H walked out the day after her DD's first birthday for another woman and has had bugger all to do with her since). Her DH is her DD's Dad - no question.

A good guy will not be put off by you being a single mum - if you decide that is what you want.

And another lurker wanting to offer support.

Is there a friend that you can take with you for the scan? I don't think you should go on your own & your mum might be to close (ie potential GM) if you decide not to go ahead with the pregnancy.

I can understand that you don't want to piss him off too much yet for financial reasons, so you could just text saying you are not ready to see him yet & can either forward the papers to his new address or leave them at work for him. Obviously he didn't want counselling papers addressed to Mr & Mrs X arriving at the OW's house...!

Keep going, just take it one day at a time.

' I'm worried that if I send him a 'fuck off and deal with my solicitor' type communication too soon he'll stop paying the mortgage. This is what the solicitor advised he may do. And then I become liable for it. And he may then stop other direct debits that pay towards household bills. And I won't know. I currently deposite a 'contribution' to this account for all household expenses and then most of the bills come from his account. I now realise this puts me at a massive disadvantage.'

This nettle will have to be grasped, whether sooner or later. The only question is how much BS is going to flow under the bridge before he decides to stop paying. Going along with his counseling idea is no guarantee he will keep on paying, nor is playing nice -- look what he has already done to you if you need proof that he is capable of shafting you without giving it a second thought (while ostensibly TTC no less).

I think you should get a second legal opinion. You do have rights. He has responsibilities.

Really feeling for you lou keep strong!!

Hey Lou,

Yeah parents can be annoying. I had to move back in with mine at the ripe old age of 33 and then a few months down the line tell them I was pregnant. I really understand that frustration BUT the good thing is that your parents (like mine) only want the best for you. It is good that your Dad wants to help - Dads have fewer options than Mums and a "let me at 'em" approach to the Chutneys isn't always a bad thing. Although really ChutneyFace himself is the one who should get the full force of your Dad, not his parents.

Could your Dad help with talking to the mortgage people?

Don't worry about the Fertility Clinic meeting. Having all your options explained is more power to you. Speaking to professionals who can answer your questions (whatever they are) is positive. Remember no-one can tell you what to do. I was in a similar situation with an unexpected pregnancy and the best single thing I did was talk to someone neutral (actually cry most of the time) but it helped enormously.

As for the counselling. I think the internal mail idea is great. Put his name on it with "Chutney" in brackets just for us

You are doing all the right things. Trust yourself xx

Lou, whatever you decide about the baby, it is your decision. But this baby has 50% your genes too, and it will have you for a mum. In my book, that gives this baby a massive head start over most people's children.

When it comes to the baby, it has to be about what you want - your love, your future. Chutney doesn't figure in any of it, not at all.

Whatever you decide will be right.