Chutney

[LouP19]

Where do I go? My thread has gone?!!

Bit upset by the soap opera comments, but understand it probably came out wrong. I like a quiet life. I like reading. I like staying in. I like cats. I like gardening and looking at stuff in Dunelm mill. This is NOT me at all.

"we need to talk about this" = "I would like a chance to persuade/pressurise you into doing what I want you to do"

Please, please don't let him into your home. He will try and bully and manipulate you into having a termination. Whether you continue with the pregnancy or not is your choice and yours alone, don't let him be around you while you're vulnerable.

He makes me feel sick.

Well you already know he's told the OW that you two were 'separated' and I'm willing to bet he told her you were sleeping in a separate rooms, living separate lives, he was only living with you for convenience/house ownership sake, etc. The reason for his move out last week may well have been because of pressure from her to move on with his life - after all why wouldn't he if you two were separated already? So the news that you're pregnant is going to throw a great big, fucking spanner into his carefully prepared story!

Please don't go to counselling. I know I said before that if it gave you closure you should do it. Don't. He just wants to play to an audience and now he's got a huge reason to want you in the same room - so he can put massive pressure on you to do what he wants i.e. terminate. He lost any rights to have a say in what happens to this pregnancy when he fucked off to live with another woman last week. This is YOUR decision only and you need to protect yourself from his poisonous influence.

I know this sounds awful and it's not a good reason to have a baby but I sooo want you to keep it just to fuck him up and show OW what she ha landed herself with.

Lou you are so amazingly strong. I wish I could have had half your dignity when my ex left.

Still reading and supporting from the UAE!

lou I'm not great on the advice, but you are so strong and so brave. I believe this speaks volumes about what kind of a mother you will be.
Please don't let this twunt cloud your vision of this much longed for and tried for baby.
I've had everything taken away from me, house, job, relationship. I say I had it taken, yes I had it taken but today I've learnt that doesn't matter- I've been given a whole lot more.
I've been given a child, my baby, I've Been given my life back, my freedom, more opportunities, I've got even more of a wonderful relationship with my friends and family.
Yes it's hard and I will have to rely on help for a while, but I can make it and you will too.
Your already proving what a survivor you are, keep mumsnetting.
If you want to talk regarding a pregnancy neutrally look up careconfidential. They are Independant, and you can text and email if your not feeling strong. Have a browse of their site. They helped me emotionally and physically and financially. I've found them
Much better than the NHS, who my Counsillor didn't turn up today!!!

Please make sure your eating. Have a nice bath, with a pregnancy book. (I know it doesn't solve it), get some green radox, big pjs on, hot choc and friend over. Book a massage. Keep yourself busy, and remember its okay to cry and breakdown.

There are people here for you xxx

He will use the counselling session to enlarge on the list he has already presented you with. It is why he is so keen to get you there so he can drive home why you are substandard so he can have 'closure'. He intends to destroy you to vindicate to himself why he has done such a heinous thing. At all costs he has to be the good and decent guy and the facts get in the way of that: that you are a decent and lovely human being unlike him and no-one on this planet deserves what he has done, regardless of any 'faults'. We all have faults and we all relax in a relationship because we believe we are loved and cherished for who we are.

He's not lying to himself so much - he's lying to you (and her, not that she's relevant in all this). He's got it all mapped out. This is hard for you to get your head around as you have only had a few days to process it. But he is not the man you knew - that man has gone and in his place is a cold and calculating man who knows what he wants and is prepared to go to great lengths to get it.

I am concerned that 'counselling' will be a long drawn-out character assassination, which he is fully geared up to give you. I am also extremely suspicious that he wants to get into your house. He methodically planned the move, down to all the paperwork (no stone was unturned); then picked you up to drop you off in a car park (probably because he hadn't finished the heist in time) so that he wouldn't be there when you got home to discover the chilling thing he had done. He plans everything and his bid to get into your house is a plan - which will be entirely for his benefit.

I am sickened by his latest text as I'm sure you are. I'm so sorry you are having to face this appalling shock. But you have by the sound of it lovely friends and family (how invaluable they are at a time like this!) as well as MN in its entirely, it seems, cheering you on and genuinely sending love and support from the heart. You have good friends and the heartfelt support of strangers because you are a great person (that shines through Lou). What he has done has no bearing whatsoever on you, it is entirely him.

What is this fucker on? You have already been pregnant, so he should know already that it all works fine. Very odd statement. Is he all there mentally speaking?

I would not go to counselling with him though. What is he hoping to achieve by this? He left you. Why does he want counselling? He needs a kick in the nuts if you ask me.

Have you told your parents/brother about the latest text?

I would be sorely tempted to let him come round - and have them all there with you, then announce that 'anything you want to say you can say in front of my family - they know everything...'

I strongly suspect he won't be saying much.

Also totally agree with what others have said - I'm sure you would benefit from some solo counselling, but don't for goodness sake have joint counselling with this pathetic excuse for a human being - what would be the point? So you can be counselled out of thinking he is less that what you might scrape off your boots after a long walk in field of cows? I think well all know he is even lower than that - and his latest text proves that in spades.

I would just like to highlight the fact that Care Confidential are a Christian organisation and were the subject of a Guardian undercover investigation last year.

Sadly for some personality types, counselling isn't about 'fixing' a problem but self affirmation.

Perhaps 'kick' and pickle for a new brand of Chutney!

Yes, I'm wondering what the counselling is actually for too. He's admitted that he's still seeing the OW, he's obviously not really going out of his way to make amends and try to repair your relationship. So what exactly does he think is going to come out of it?

I think it's a sop to the world about how he "tried" with his marriage even went to counselling. It's part of the decent guy act. Obviously he is airbrushing to himself and the world the rest of his shitty behaviour.

What he can achieve by counselling....is to make Lou feel more shit than she already does. By ramping up the EA he has already dished out. Male no mistake Lou all those put downs, etc. He has been emotionally abusing you.

Counselling is never going to work when one partner is abusive, they use it as a platform to attack. I know feel he will use it as a platform to bully you into an abortion.

See two things spring to mind. I don't think he ever wanted to come home. I think he's just wanted to dangle you, so you behave. You haven't naughty girl make the divorce easy and hdecant we to destroy you in the process so you wouldn't move on.

Secondly I do think he's fed ow a load of bs, which with you now being pregnant, is blowing the whole "we haven't slept for years" out of the water. He will have said this. It now makes divorce messy. As what with you being pregnant. If you continue......he will end up having to pay spousal support as well as child support. It won't be a straight 50/50. No clean break for him.

Eugh I'm throwing my iPad out. It makes me look illiterate sorry Lou.

I agree Gigondas, he knows he has gone too far but if he is 'on record' as having made a show of conciliation, and obviously Lou still has the right to tell him to hop it.. then he can look crestfallen and express with bewilderment that he 'tried' but it is Lou that is giving up on the relationship.

Sounds like a big case of wanting to drag it out a bit. Why would anyone want to do this? I say - fuck him. Move on and make your own decisions.

Yes have your family their with you when he comes for his 'paperwork'. But have the door latched/locked with keys in lock so he can not just walk in.

Pass 'paperwork' along with a jar of his favorite chutney laced with laxitives tell him must have 'forgotten' it when he took everything. Then shut door in has face.

Why would he want to make a show of it though? He moved out. You do counselling before you move out. Not after. If he was making noises about coming back, fair enough...

He wants another audience to see how he's tried his best. You'd hope a counsellor would see through this heinous lie but...why put yourself through it? If you want to get space from a relationship and work on it, you take a suitcase and your bank card; you don't clear the house of all of your chutney possessions. His intentions have been signposted clearly now after being hidden for so long in lies and deceit.

Your logic bubba would be bang on if this bloke wasn't a selfish immature twat. You are assuming he is rational .

at altinkum text.

Hi Lou, tried to post again the other day on your other thread.

Congratulations and all that but I wouldn't tell him about the pregnancy just yet. Also, don't be disappointed about your solicitor's advice - a divorce takes a while even if you don't have children.

If you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, there will have to be a statement of arrangements for children as well as finance, so it won't happen quickly.

Just concentrate on yourself, do what's best for you, and start reading up on the legalities:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce ? Advice and Links

General

Read everything you can get your hands on. Get familiar with the language of family law and procedure and try to get an understanding of your rights BEFORE you see a solicitor. Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don?t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation ? there?s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

If there are children involved, their interests will always come first. It is the children?s right to maintain a meaningful relationship with the non-resident parent (NRP) ? not the other way around. Children are not possessions to be ?fairly? divided between separating parents. Parents have no rights, only responsibilities. A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (?Statement of Arrangements for Children?). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order (?Residence and Contact? regarding children, ?Financial Order? or ?Ancillary Relief? in the case of Finance)

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don?t just stick with the first lawyer you find ? shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you?re happy with.

If you can?t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. You can search by area here:

www.resolution.org.uk/

You can also find family law solicitors here:

www.lawsociety.org.uk/areasoflaw/view=areasoflawdetails.law?AREAOFLAW=Family%20law&AREAOFLAWID=36

Check your eligibility for Legal Aid here:

legalaidcalculator.justice.gov.uk/calculators/eligiCalc?execution=e1s1

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients ? Google solicitors to see if any recommendations or feedback exists.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation.

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question. If you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:

www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

static.advicenow.org.uk/files/benefits-and-livingtogether-2010-11-1161.pdf

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights are further explained here:

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read ? there are others of course:

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you can, and take copies. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements ? savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

Handy tax credits calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

Child Maintenance Calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Further advice and support

www.maypole.org.uk/

www.womensaid.org.uk/

www.gingerbread.org.uk/

england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships
(Re Shelter, if you are not in England follow the link at the top)

I assume nothing Gigondas....if it looks like a twat, and talks like a twat, ergo.....

Lou, sorry, in my confusion about your thread I realise my advice re telling him is a little late!