Chutney

[LouP19]

Where do I go? My thread has gone?!!

Bit upset by the soap opera comments, but understand it probably came out wrong. I like a quiet life. I like reading. I like staying in. I like cats. I like gardening and looking at stuff in Dunelm mill. This is NOT me at all.

I don't think it is right to go ahead with this under these circumstances, especially as we now know that there is not a problem with either of us.

Holy shit! I am massively, MASSIVELY pro-choice and totally unsentimental about pregnancy, but seriously, even to me this is utterly deranged. What is this, a successful trial run? Now we know everything's working we can flush the tubes? Is he fucking insane?

Lou, you're being very brave and strong. I've been lurking but I just wanted to strongly second pollyblue's idea of writing him a letter, then burning/ ripping up. I did this when my ex left and it helped me so much. There's so much that you need to say that won't be appreciated anyway - start writing!

Best of luck xxx

Hi Lou. I miss my STBXH too. We were together for almost 10 years. He walked out a month before we reached that. We had a "date" on our 10th anniversary, which went really well, then he wrote me that nasty letter detailing all my faults a few days later. Even then I begged him to try again!! I was so in love with him, I would have done anything to get him back.

I miss him. I have had a really bad couple of days crying and missing him. I totally understand how you feel. I hate him, but I love him. I despise him for walking out. I could never be with him ever again.

Regarding your pregnancy. You need to have your own counselling first, and decide what to do. I think as somebody posted above, you may regret it for the rest of your life if you did not proceed and that is something that you need to discuss in counselling. You need to really think about your life ongoing as if you were a single parent. If you work part time, you would get maternity pay, working and child tax credit, help with childcare.

I know all of that is a long way ahead, but it may help you to know in order to help make a decision on your future.

As for him. He can say what he likes about the timing, but he knew that you were trying for a baby, so he cant pretend like its a huge surprise. You cannot let his words or decisions affect your decisions. You must do what you want and not what he wants. There is loads of support on here and also in RL. If there is a SureStart childrens centre near you, they may be able to help you with all sorts of things.

Think like a single person from now on and make those decisions on your own with no pressure from him. He is like my STBXH, very self-absorbed, all me me me and worrying about how things affect his life, without giving a shit about mine.

You are amazing Lou, you are doing so well after such a huge shock.

xx

Hi Lou, please be careful with this awful individual - I felt really upset reading his last text to you, it brought up memories of similar situation I was in a long time ago.

I think he will do everything he can to persuade you into having a termination. He has proved that he's a callous, devious, selfish, cheating bastard and would probably stoop to all sorts to get what he wants. i think his wanting to come round for paperwork is an excuse to start working on you. Do not trust what he says at all, I too would go non-contact, at least for the moment. You are incredibly vulnerable and any decisions you make have to be all about you now, especially regarding the pregnancy. What ever you decide you have to be at peace with 1,2,5,10 years down the line, so definitely, definitely do counseling but go on your own, not with him.

Remember, he is ONLY THINKING OF HIMSELF, not what is best for you.

I really hope he gets a massive amount of karma at some point in his life.

Good luck Lou xxxx

Dear lord He really is in Chutney Land. (It's like Lala Land only with him & his chutneys as the sun and stars.)

They will send confirmation to our house which I need to collect, sign and send off payment. I hope this is ok? Let me know when this arrives.

He's given his address as your home. This is not OK.
Put any mail arriving for him back in the post, with "Return to Sender" written across the front. I wouldn't bother telling him you're doing this; he has moved away. His post is his problem.

I am still feeling very shocked after what you told me yesterday ...

Oh, look, I have a feeling! You care, don't you? You do care. Care about my shock! You're not allowed feelings, that's why I haven't asked about yours. You feel what I feel. You're shocked. See?!

... but can't believe this [pregnancy] has come at such a bad time.

It's very inconvenient for me, I may have to write a new game plan.

What do you want to do? I don't think it is right to go ahead with this under these circumstances,

Your body, your decision, I know I'm supposed to say that. But here's what I want you to do with your body.

... especially as we now know that there is not a problem with either of us.

Ah, you're not infertile after all. There never has been a problem with me, natch: I'm perfect. So I will be making you pregnant again, at a time of my own choosing.

However, I cannot obviously force you to do anything. We need to talk about this. Early next week

I cannot 'obviously' force you to do anything, but I can 'subtly' force you.
In order to do this, I need to weave my wordy chutneybollocks magic around your malleable, hormonal mind. I will do this early next week.

Frankly, Lou, I fear you are still leaving yourself open to his chutneybollocks by giving him any rope at all. He'll hang you with it before he hangs himself: you know how important it is to him that he calls the shots? The only important thing to him, yes. The sooner you get right out of his field of influence, the better for you.

Your work people sound lovely. So glad you're well supported - and, yes, this really does show what a high-quality person you are!

Lou first of all, you poor poor thing. This utter twat is really putting you through the wringer

A very wise man once told me "No answer is the best answer" because nothing you can think of to say to him will drive him as insane as no answer at all. No answer will really unsettle him

Finally, why are you still going along with this idea of counselling with him?Are you hoping it will lead to a reconciliation? Honestly?

My bet is that he wants to use the counselling to:

• continue controlling you
• make you suffer and, better still, get a chance to watch you suffer
• he believes the counsellor will validate him, tell hi he was right all along

Don't give him the satisfaction.

If you know it's over, use the counselling for yourself

Take care xx

I don't think it is right to go ahead with this under these circumstances, especially as we now know that there is not a problem with either of us.

I think he wants you to believe that one day you will reunite and make other babies together and therefore have a termination now. However, it's pretty clear from his actions and the way he's treating you that he has no intention of coming back to you and is using this enticement of a future together to get what he wants now i.e. to be free of this problem.

I'm so sorry. It's all awful. The best thing is no contact. Pretend he's left the country forever...

I read it that "I don't think it's right to go ahead" was about the counselling session but it's really not is it? He's actually talking about the pregnancy - that has given me a horrible shudder

I agree with others, do go to counselling for yourself, do write down exactly what you want to say to him but don't say it, don't send it. Don't give anything away - he is trying to control you in the most dreadful way, telling you what you should be thinking and how you should be feeling

Sorry he has turned out to be like this.

Another one whose stomach lurched reading that text. He really is a prize arseh*le.

You have dealt with one bombshell after another with such strength. Don't let the coward sway any decision YOU want to make.

Another one here who has had all manner of counselling and never, ever had to sign something in advance/pay. All forms get filled out on the day, as does payment. Maybe there's been a letter confirming an appointment but that is it. This is an excuse for him to come and see you, I guarantee it.

If I were you, as someone else suggested, write a letter to him, swear as much as you want, be completely honest. And then tear it up. It is much more cathartic than it sounds.

Fwiw I think he is still behaving very badly. I'm glad you found out that his boss was in the UK, however much it hurts to know that. Much better to not be tormenting yourself wondering.

Yes, I understand what you mean about wanting to let him see your rage. There are two problems with it, though: [1] He won't believe he's a cunt; [2] We only tell people off when we want to effect change in them. It's dangerous for you to be thinking/feeling that way.

You have seen what he is - it's taking a while to sink in, is all. Please protect your heart while it catches up with your head. Let your pain and anger out in safe circumstances, not with him.

I think, if you examine it, you'll find that what you miss so badly is not his contributions to your relationship! Lovely people love to love others. It's perfectly natural to miss your input to the marriage; the whole glow of loving a partner. Rather tragically, people like your ex are not lovely people. They love to be loved, but don't know how to love back. A one-way relationship like that is harmful to the giver, as you know. He'll be missing the love you gave him, and you'll be missing the way you loved him. Don't worry, you'll find plenty of better outlets for your good loving. No need to waste any more of it on him.

Agree the text you really want to send isn't a good idea but tbh I think it's still a better idea than continuing contact on these terms, so that he can dripfeed you offensive rubbish and force your attention away from yourself and your future. That really has to stop, doesn't it. I know you're not taken in by him, but it is still a total headfuck. Maybe we've all been a bit too emphatic with the 'be cool as a cucumber, don't let him see your pain' advice. It's still good advice, but we don't mean you to stand there and take it either!

Urgh, I feel unclean after reading that low, manipulative text. As you know, Lou, I have been chatting to Pickles, who has been struggling with similar feelings to those you describe.

I can only say that you are doing amazingly. Keep being strong, keep being calm and practical as far as dealing with fuckface chutneyman goes.

You could simply reply and say that it is not convenient/acceptable to have the post sent to the house and tell him he needs to redirect it. Or, you could wait for it to arrive and return to sender marked, 'No longer resident'. Entirely up to you.

Plenty of suggestions regarding what to do with regard to counselling; I like the idea of faxing a list/letter to the counsellor and not turning up. But that is your choice.

Regarding his comments on the pregnancy - that is HIS opinion. To be honest, it has no bearing on what you want to do as the 'we' he talks about is no more - because of him, so therefore you call the shots, it's your body.

As for food - can you stomach anything like rice (risotto) or porridge? Both fairly slippery to eat, and porridge would give you some fuel.

Glad that you're getting support and help from work. Now go and cuddle the cats, eat some pizza and see if you can have a break of some sort - even if it is just a soak in the bath with some luxury bubbles. :)

The pregnancy hasn't come at a bad time!

You both wanted a baby and were both actively trying to get pregnant!

Your discovery that your H is not who you thought he was has come at a bad time, but it could have been worse, you might not have discovered this for a long time to come, after a whole string of more affairs and STIs and misconduct allegations.

At least you know what you're dealing with now. If it's a bad time for him to be a father than that's his problem! Though probably more because OW will realise he wasn't quite as "separated" as he made out!

You need to think of yourself as a single person now. With what sounds like a wonderful family and great supportive friends.

If you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy this baby will be very lucky to have such a wonderful mum, grandma and "aunties and uncles"

Like the other posters on this thread, my BS detector is firing re the 'They will send confirmation to our house which I need to collect, sign and send off payment.'

I don't think so. Because:

1. it doesn't ring true - though he clearly expects some form of paperwork to arrive for him ('let me know when this arrives'). Doesn't mean it's anything to do with counselling.

2. He has already shown that it is easy for him to tell lies without batting an eyelid. So, why does he need to collect - what is to stop you forwarding his mail? ?leading to...

3. He may have some other motive for gaining access to the house, as you've rightly considered.

And 4) 'I hope this is ok?' No, it is not OK. Because you, LouP19, did not agree or give permission ? as far as I know. Consent may not be assumed, finish.

I'm tempted to say..... tell him he can post you the pet insurance documents, pronto. Anything else is solely subject to your agreement. He is of course free to go to any counselling he wishes to ? alone - for his own purposes.

But you, LouP19, must make your own decisions, based solely on what YOU want to do.

Agree with Maryz.She's very seldom wrong.

It's because the address he has given you is BS and he doesn't want Ken from Accounts wondering why he is getting mail with chutneywankers name on it.

He want's into your house to see you as his poor wee chutney-addled mind is confused by your refusal to dance to his tune. He needs to see you to make you cry in order to make himself feel secure that you still want and need him.

He wants a termination for all the reasons said above but especially as he can't quite figure out how he is going to portray himself as Mr Wonderful to the outside world. Cruelly dumping my pregnant wife to shack up with Ms Napoli is quite difficult to spin, even for a mentaller like him.

Whatever else you decide to do, you should back out of the counselling. I'm sure the counsellor themself would tell him that there is no point to it whilst he continues to lie to himself and you. You should tell him that - he doesn't need to know what you know or how you know it. It is enough for him to know that 'certain information has been drawn to your attention that proves his continuing lack of honesty or respect for you'.

His latest communication with you is nothing short of cruel. Remember you have no hurry to decide about anything to do with the pregnancy, and he forfeited any rights to a say in it or your long term decisions when he walked out of your life and home.

In your shoes, Lou, and if I were able to be v v restrained which I completely see you might not, it might be interesting to send him a text saying 'oh, don't worry about picking up the letter - I've already arranged for your post to be redirected to the address you gave me'...

Lou

Don't let him come to your house to collect the letter. This sounds very dubious to me too. He has been violent to you in the past? Pushing you out of the car? Don't put yourself in a situation where you are alone with him.

He may well be using counselling as a way to manipulate you. My ex did this and somehow got me to feel that I wasn't understanding or sympathetic to his needs and issues (the fact that he accused me of several affairs and tapped my phone whilst he was fucking the neighbour wasn't mentioned at Relate funnily enough!)

Take care x

Haberdashery - I like that option, it's just so very reasonable.

I agree with cien. This baby that was very much wanted and that you spent ages trying for and went through so much for has not 'come at a bad time'. His decision to lie, cheat and abandon you(both!) has come at a bad time! He really does sound like he is trying to manipulate you and get his own way.

I think you are doing so well. I know that I would not have been able to stop myself sending him that text that you want to send. You have much greater willpower than me! :)

I agree with those saying not to allow him in the house. You can forward it to him at the address he gave you (I wonder what his reaction would be if you told him that? It could be very telling if he's lied about that too!)

I really hope this starts to get easier for you. You deserve a break! X

X post with haberdasher.