Chutney

[LouP19]

Where do I go? My thread has gone?!!

Bit upset by the soap opera comments, but understand it probably came out wrong. I like a quiet life. I like reading. I like staying in. I like cats. I like gardening and looking at stuff in Dunelm mill. This is NOT me at all.

Hi Lou,

His text is appalling. You really do not need any more of his manipulative shite.

With regard to the counselling Crikey is right. Do you want to go? If so, then forward that letter on (although I don't get why he couldn't pay over the phone and why he didn't give them his temporary address).

Please Please do not let him come to the house when you are there or let him in the house. He walked out, it is now your domain. Or could your mum/dad/friend give him the letter? Put the barriers up and use all the help you have to keep strong.

And the comment about what bad timing your pregnancy is..... NO - his affair and his meticulously planned walk-out are the aspects of bad timing. As everyone else has said he is a narcissist. You, on the other hand, are a strong, clever, wonderful and sensitive soul.

I tend not to swear on these types of things (as others do it so much better than me) but he deserves every expletive known to humankind.

You are doing SO well. We are all here ready to help. You will make the right decisions. xx

OH, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

do go to counciling ON YOUR OWN!!!!! Get some space to think things through, and heal.

Don't bother going with him!

Been following hun but not posted till now.

You need to keep the power you have hun do not let him get his control back. His is a Grade A Cunt!

I agree that he has told OW you and he was no longer having sex so you having a baby/being pregnan would drop him right in it with her.

As to the whole pregnancy think very very carefully hun, you said you was TTC for a long time, as was having treatment for it, I dont mean to be harsh but if you did end this pregnancy and then could not get pregnant in the future, I think you would end up in a very dark place in side your head, Even if this baby does have a dick for a dad, thats not the babys fault.

A very unMN Hug

I promise you if you cut all contact, it wont go away but you will not be sent reeling everyday from new revelations throwing you back to square one and adding even more to this awful shit pile he has dumped on you.

Take control back and cut him out even if its just for now.

Like sugarice has said, he still needs you to be compliant until financial matters are agreed so will continue to play this head fuck game with you. Please dont let him.

You deserve so much better.

Lurked until now, ad you have had great advice.

Please say that you are not considering having him back. People can recover from affairs, but only if both parties are completely honest and committed. He is neither.

In response to that text I would write..

"i told you about the positive result out of respect and truth, neither of which you are according to me. I see no point in counselling, as we will not be a couple again, your recent behaviour and deception has made sure of that.

We do not need to discuss this pregnancy. There is no we. I will let you know when I have made a decision about whether I want to continue or not."

I think Hefty is on to something - doesn't want the OW to know that you two were still having sex, as I'm sure he fed her a line about how it was a sexless, unhappy marriage.

Urgh. What a horrible man, the more of himself he shows, the worse he reveals himself to be!

"I will Fwd all your post to your address, do not come to my house. There is no 'we' to discuss this. I will let you know of my decision when I have made it" is a nice crisp "SHUT UP" - but even better is no response at all.

I am so in awe of how amazing you're being, lou, well done for eating and getting yourself towards your support network. I'm glad your work are being so good.

The reason everyone is saying "Cut all contact!" and stuff like that is because texts like this can just come out of the blue and destroy you, and having a new number that he doesn't know, and only turning your 'ChuntneyPhone' on at the end of every day (or whenever) limits his ability to interrupt you as you try to cope with how he's smashed up your life. It's not just because we're a nest of vipers who all hate men - :) it's also so things like this less likely to upset you. Because hey, you don't need another thing!

Rambling now. Wishing you all the best and cheering you on, good vibes heading your way from New York City!

OMG this man is delusional, I would cut off all contact, don;t let him infect you with his craziness or force you into any decisions.
It is your decision alone whether you keep this hard won baby, I suspect you will just fine on your own and with your amazing family.

Lou, have been lurking as well and have no real advice to offer, but wanted to echo the support and say how strong you are, and hope you find a path through all of this that is best for you.

(BTW smoothies are good too when you're under-eating, especially with bananas in, quite calorific and yummy with vitamins from the fruit.)

Hi Lou. Glad you've got a supportive bunch at work and good to hear you're eating something! I honestly don't know what to suggest but just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you. ChutneyBollocks sounds like an extreme version of my X, so I'm sure he's bleating to all and sundry about just how hard life is for him. Sadly, if he's anything like my X his cronies, hangers on and drinking buddies will believe him.

I went to an initial counselling session with X but found that as he sat and bullshitted her I just couldn't speak (evidence of my lack of communication skills and empathy for the situation apparently ). We were supposed to return but he'd copped off with a student by then so it didn't interest him anymore.

No matter, you know the truth of the situation and you can decide how your life pans out. I know it's easy for all of us to come out with the "I'd do this..." stuff but don't let him dictate how this goes. He has lost both the power and the moral high ground. You might not feel like it at the moment but you're in a fantastic position!

Take care x

Decision on what you do for you and the baby is yours- he threw most of his rights out the window when he got all crafty with his made up itinerary, chutney truck hire etx.
Not much to add to good advice here but are you still going to a solicitor? I know that you are just getting your head around everything but if might help amongst to know what options are with the baby. Leaving aside what contact is appropriate , he will be obliged to make Financial provision.

And completely agree that counselling a waste of time with him .

And I would lay good money ow know next to nothing of truth ("we live separate lives, she knows it's over " etc)hence his mania not to let her find out so can hedge his beta.

I feel ill reading that text.

PLEASE PLEASE don't go to counselling with him! Don't see him in person yet! He wants to bully you into an abortion to save face with OW. If you want a termination, that is YOUR choice, and YOUR choice only!!

WTF does the 'oh well now we know there's nothing wrong with us' line supposed to me? Have a termination because you could conceive with him again? how DARE he.

This isn't a man, this is a monster. Don't let him near you, keep all contact digital and please, please don't go to this counselling session!

I hope this isn't offensive, but before I posted this I said my night time prayers and lit a candle for you Lou.

Thinking of you Lou.

I don't see that his text deserves any reply at all.
He tells you to inform him when the confirmation letter arrives, so if and when it does, just forward it without comment.

He asks you what you want to do about the pregnancy, but then tells you what he wants you to do, this is just emotional bullying of the most despicable kind. He is desperately trying to keep you as vulnerable as possible, hence wanting to make you wait to talk early next week, and I think the inappropriate tone of that question is appalling, absolutely no empathy there at all, as though he were arranging a game of squash.

Like all bullies though, he is actually weak, and you can see a glimmer of his weakness where he says there is not a problem with either of us, I can't imagine he was ever strong enough to admit to himself that the problem might be his.

He's hoping to talk to you to influence your decision, but this is after he has abandoned you in the most abominable way, so do you need to listen to him? Do his opinions still matter to you?

You are strong and brave and clever and will find your own path through the bomb site he has made of your life.

Be gentle with yourself Lou, I'm off to eat a boiled egg now!

Could you ring the counselling service and give them his alleged new address? If you want to go ahead with the counselling, ask if they could send the paperwork there. Ask if you have to sign anything before the appointment. If no, then I'd wonder why he's given them your address. Either because he is not living where he says he is or he is living with someone who he doesn't want to know about the counselling. If the OW is still on the scene, he's probably told her he's left you for good and is not going back. After all, there's a van load of stuff to back him up.

Or perhaps he wants an excuse to come to the house. To see the cats? Mark his territory? Intrude on your space and re-establish control?

As for the rest, words fail me, but I think the fact that he is pushing for termination shows that he is not serious about a future for you as a couple. If he wanted to get back together - after what he's done????!!! - he'd be looking for bonds to strengthen, reasons to be together. And he obviously isn't. The counselling is cosmetic, part of the face-saving "I tried everything" scenario.

In your shoes, Lou, I'd avoid any face-to-face encounters - distressing and futile. Cancel the counselling. Tell him not to come to the house and you'll be in touch when you feel like talking to him.

Yuk! He is vile.

I take issue with this particularly: "we now know that there is not a problem with either of us". I think we all know there is something very wrong with him.

So sorry you're going through this Lou. Please don't go to counselling with him. He will just make you feel awful.

Lou you need some counselling on your own before you attempt any counselling with him.

You need to come to terms with the way he has behaved towards you, and then you need to try and get your head around being pregnant too.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but at this moment in time he has no right to even have an opinion on your pregnancy. I understand your reasons for telling him you are pregnant, but beyond that you owe him absolutely nothing.

It is also not usual for counselling services to send paperwork out before they see you. IME it is all completed on site during or before your sessions. This certainly applies to Relate and English Churches counselling groups. I really rather feel this may be a trick to get in the house maybe?? Why did he have it sent to your home and not his new or work address??

There's just something here that doesn't sit right with me

Look after yourself Lou, keep in touch x

I've been lurking since the beginning of the first thread but didn't have anything to add to all the wonderful advice.

Lou- you are doing great, your composure amazes me.

I just wanted to say that DH and I had counselling with relate. He called up to arrange an initial appointment, paid for it over the phone. No correspondence came to the house, we filled in forms at the first (assessment) appointment. They are very careful about confidentiality, they asked when we went about how they should contact us. So his story doesn't quite ring true to me. Anyway, he no longer lives at your address so tell him to use OWs his new one.

There is something seriously wrong with this chutney wanker though, I'd be wary of attending counselling with him as he might just see it as another situation to manipulate.

Your pregnancy is inconvenient for him as it outs him to OW who probably thinks you had a sexless marriage. He has given his opinion, I don't think you need to consult with him again until after you've made a decision.

Best of luck.

It's not just his narrative with the OW which you being pregnant destroys though, it's his tale of woe he will have been using on everyone.

"Oh woe is me I had to leave for Lou's own good as I think she had fallen out of love, and she was pushing me away. It's not my fault. We hadn't connected for a long time. We were barely co-existing together. She had emotionally checked out of our relationship.

By the way I got her pregnant before I left her for a blonde. No idea how that happened"

He can't be the tragic hero who's only flaw was he just loved too much now. There is no way to spin "dumped my pregnant wife" to come out looking good.

Oh Lou what a utter bastard. Don't let him bully you into anything. You owe him nothing. Let me just repeat again - bastard.

If he does insist on coming to the house - for whatever reason - make sure you have someone with you when he does. Then hopefully that will reign in his tendency to spout bollocks and you won't have to suffer it or if he does, you'll have a witness.

Thing is I want to so much send him a text or email telling him what a fucking evil, twisted, nasty, immature, cowardly, bastardy, cold, manipulative, fucked up, mental, LIAR he is. And to tell him that the other stupid naive woman he's been fucking is welcome to him. And I SO want to do it, but know I can't. I just want to hit back, but I know I can't and it's killing me.

I wonder if he wants to get in the house to collect his TV,....

I absolutely hate him, but miss him too (does that make sense?). Miss who he used to be up until about a year ago. I've spent 10 years of my life with him. And even during the last year when he's been cheating we've had some 'good' times.

There's an old expression - the best revenge is success.

Why don't you write down everything you would like to say to him, get it out of your system, then burn it? You might find that cathartic. But don't give him the satisfaction of blowing your top directly to him.

Lou, I have been lurking on both your threads becoming angrier and angrier at the way your ex is treating you. The text is crass beyond words - he has obviously been telling the OW that you haven't had sex together in months/years, you can bet it's not "right" for him if you go ahead. I have read the text several times and each time I do I get the impression that he thinks - or he is trying to give the impression that he thinks - you might reconcile. He is utterly deluded and you are wonderful, I know you will come through this, however painful it is.

Of course you miss "him" - you miss what you had, not what he has become. Keep taking support wherever you find it - it sounds as if you have a lot of people looking out for you.