Think my DH is sleeping with someone but can't prove it - WWYD?

[Brassica]

This is long, sorry. My DH and I have been married for 6 years and have 18 month old twins. He has previously been a completely exemplary husband - so loving, thoughtful, attentive, reassuring, fun-loving, cuddly, open, kind... Yet recently I have found myself more and more sure that he is cheating because there is stuff I just can't explain any other way, and most of it revolves around the use of his work Blackberry.

1. Firstly, he is quite distant. Gone are the spontaneous hugs, hand holds, kisses, 'love you's, etc and that was the first thing I noticed. I put it down to being so rushed with the twins that opportunities to do it are lost. We have averaged sex about once a month since they came along - I have not been initiating it really because of tiredness/slight hang ups over my body but he has not seemed bothered at all - has never seemed discontent about it.
2. He disappears upstairs on his own every evening (at least once, sometimes several times) and is not checking on the twins. Gone for 5-15 minutes each time. No mention when he comes down that he's been doing anything. Each time it is when I am safely occupied with something - washing up, watching something on TV. Yesterday I quietly came upstairs to see if I could hear what he was doing but couldn't - all I could tell was he was in our room with the lights off and when I asked 'what were you doing in there?!' he just said 'nothing' and stepped into the twins' room to check on them.
3. He keeps his Blackberry on his person at all times - which he has never done before. In the past if he's needed to look at work emails etc then it has been done openly and explaining that he's promised to deal with something.
4. Keeping his Blackberry on him is done secretly - I only know because I check his bag periodically at times when it should be there and it's not, but then a bit later it quietly reappears.
5. The reason why I have started checking where it is is that the other week he came in very late after a work night out, and although he woke me up I think he thought I'd dozed off again. He stood with his back to the bed tapping away on a device - I thought he must be checking cricket scores on his phone or something, but then at the end he dropped the device into his bag and it was therefore his Blackberry. At 1.30am and while drunk/tired is anyone checking work emails?
6. I can't remember when it started but for a while now (weeks? months?) he has engineered a reason to leave the house without me on days when we are there together - volunteering to take the twins for a walk "so I can have a break" or going to the supermarket, or on Sunday going into town to see the end of the women's road race. On Sunday he took his camera with him and in the bag was his Blackberry (I had a very swift look)...
7. It was my birthday the other week - a 'special' one - and although he ticked all the boxes pretty much like taking me out for lunch, it didn't feel like a special one from his end. He didn't say happy birthday for about the first 5 minutes we were awake, he didn't remember to get me a present or card from the twins, he didn't 'make a fuss of me'. I had a party with lots of friends and family and I think the old DH would have said a few words but he didn't.

So it's just unsubstantiated hunches but I am struggling to see why he would be doing this stuff apart from to allow him to contact someone else either by phone or text/email without me knowing. The twins must serve as a great distraction because he knows when I am dealing with them I can't do much else.

I tried to broach the subject the other day but only got as far as addressing the distant attitude, which he has apparently tried to put right the last few days, so there have been more kisses and a bit more attentiveness, but he didn't even react when I mentioned about our sex life being too sporadic. I felt as though I couldn't challenge him on the Blackberry use because I don't have a shred of evidence.

So what would you do? I don't have a clue what the password is for his Blackberry so I can't take a look at it (on the rare occasion it's not on his person). If I bring up my suspicions then he's just going to deny it, isn't he? He'll find reasons to explain it and cast doubt on my gut feeling. I find it unbelievable that he, of all people, could cheat, but then I find the way he's behaving even more unbelievable at the moment.

I hope you've still got his phone. I did exactly this to xp and kept it for several days. I made him email his boss to explain exactly why he couldn't be contacted. His humiliation was but a fraction of the hurt he put me through. He was also unable to contact ow but she continued to text not knowing I had his phone which was very revealing. The power of all that adrenaline got me through the awful shock of finding out the truth. Harness the power you now have. You're in the driving seat. Stay there,

I would tell the ows husband, their colleagues, boss, kick him out and make him go for std testing.

I know some will thinks that's harsh but he has to feel to full force and consequences of what he has done.

Stages of grief - now starting to go through them. Last night/this morning shock and numbness, now feeling like I can't cope. I am waiting for a call back from the doctor because I think this is tipping me into depression. I have been so stressed recently with a heavy workload at work, much time off from that because the twins have been excluded from nursery for a very low-level but persistent illness, so having to cope with them (at a difficult age) more than I am 'meant to' since I am paying a fortune for the nursery who don't seem to care that their stupid policies make it impossible for me to hold down a job, plus obviously running the home and worrying about what husband has been up to, oh and turning 40 at the same time. Talk about a heap of crap. I think this is sending me unravelling on top of all that. My son is a very demanding baby - lots and lots of crying, teething/frustration at what he can't do, jealousy of his sister whenever she gets cuddles or has a toy he wants - he was shrieking earlier for about 20 minutes, and I just yelled at him. It's not good for them to have a mummy who is depressed and not doing anything about it, so I hope the doctor can see me later.

And yes, I will be talking about it with friends. Given all of the above, I absolutely need to.

Brassica I'm so sorry to hear that. You seem to be dealing with it very well so far. As the others say, this will not be an easy journey but if you're prepared for that it will help you get through. Keep strong. xx

My OH had an emotional affair with someone so I am not speaking from experience of this.

But when he gets home I would take DH by the hand and take the car keys (even take twins if you have to) and drive to OW's house and go in and have a discussion between the 4 of you, DH, you, OW, and her DH. And see how smug and reasonable he and OW are then. He/they have had time to fix their story - by landing on the doorstep you are putting them in a position where they can't concoct something beforehand, you will see how they react together, so judge their feelings for each other, and see what OW's marriage was like. Also you can get alot of facts once and for all, and not have DH selecting what he does or doesn't tell you.

The way he is behaving is as if he is the innocent looking for 'fun' due to the stressful homelife he has - WTF - but that is not what he is, perhaps this relationship might have become serious, he might have fallen in love (maybe OW thinks he has) and would have left you with the twins.

He has prob expected this for a while (you to find out) but either didn't choose to split from OW or didn't want to take the wrath of OW (and her revenge which might jeopardize his job) so let it tick along. Now OP YOU are to blame for it ending.

And he is spinning some pathetic exuses.

Who knows, who finds out, who he upsets at work, whether his job or promotion is affected, whether the OW's marriage breaks up, whether your families are upset are all irrelevant totally irrelevant compared to what he has done to your faith and love in your relationship with him.

So that is what he should be fixing, not giving you orders on how he wants things handled. bastard.

It looks to me as if he thinks he might just coast along as usual after his little fling whilst you have to live with and recover from this horrible deceit. Don't let him.

what PooPoo said it right in my opinion.

OW's partner has the right to know. Your DH may not be the first person she's been tossing about with - his health is at stake here, as much as the op

Tell him he needs to go and get STD screened. Im afraid, you should too Brass.

X posted with brassica. Doctor more important than OW.

Cross-posted with brassica. Of coure it's natural that you will be depressed about this - especialy given the added stresses in your situation with demanding toddlers and holding down a job.

You seem to have taken the right steps so far in your dealing with DH. I hope you get the right help from your GP.

I'm so sorry you gut instincts were right.

As a side issue, why is it you that has to miss work when the children are poorly?

I hope the doctor can help you today, look after yourself and tell who you need to.

He is very concerned about who I plan to tell . . . I have scared him on several counts. Firstly I have told him to sleep in the spare room tonight & in a hotel tomorrow night. He is scared I am chucking him out.Secondly how many friends I tell. Thirdly I pointed out that it will be obvious at work (she is a colleague) and people will be thinking badly of him. It really matters to him to be well thought of the . . . He doesn't want to lose me and the twins, . . . This woman represents fantasy where the routine of life with twins is not happening . . .

Poor diddams

Even after what he has done he is making it all about him!

That's what they do PooPoo

OP you handled this so well! Terrible time for you, but you are doing so well. I would recommend not having contact with the OW or her DH - that way she will be on tenterhooks not knowing if/when you will, and dreading it.

Heh Brassica. Hold on there. You will get through this, I promise you, but it takes a while. Seeing your GP is a good idea. I went to see mine and ended up blubbing the minute I stepped in to the consulting room and couldn't stop for the first 5 minutes , but she was great and I got a lot of support from the surgery over the following months.

Young twins and a heavy workload is an incredible strain, even without the twins being ill and a cheating husband. Is there someone at work you can confide in - your boss or HR - who can cut you some slack there?

I am sorry your DH turned out to be a self-entitled, unsupportive, cheating twat. Time will tell if he's a permanent or temporary twat, but the most important thing now is that you get support from GP, friends, family, work - wherever you can.

Oh Brassica, I'm so sorry.
You are right, it is all too much for one person to cope with. Do get to the doctor, also can you enlist the help and support of friends and family?

It is good that you were proactive and found out now.
I wish I'd had MN when I had reason to suspect my ex. Instead I went down the letsbeopenandhonest route extolled by many, he lied and denied and blamed my suspicious mind on postnatal depression (which I don't think I really had, I was quite reasonably sad that I was being treated badly by someone who was meant to love me!). A close female friend said I should trust him.

Several months later, a mutual male friend came and told me everything (after begging ex to fess up first). By then our relationship was unsalvageable, he had disconnected from 'us' too much, and his betrayals had been too many and too deep. If I had confronted him with solid evidence all those months earlier, I might have nipped it in the bud.

So sorry

At least you know your instincts were right and that you were not being paranoid or losing your sanity.

I hope you have got help from the GP.

Remember not to make long term decisions - you will need LOTS of time and space to process your emotions.

I wish I'd had MN when I had reason to suspect my ex. Instead I went down the letsbeopenandhonest route extolled by many, he lied and denied and blamed my suspicious mind on postnatal depression (which I don't think I really had, I was quite reasonably sad that I was being treated badly by someone who was meant to love me!). A close female friend said I should trust him.

Me too Alfalfa. I got lied to and told I was paranoid/controlling etc. I really wish I'd had MN then too, I think I might have removed the blinkers a lot quicker and saved myself years of self-doubt and criticism.

So sorry to hear this, Brassica, my heart goes out to you.

Been there, done it got the t-shirt. That's not flippant in any way, I promise you I absolutely went through the mill when it happened to me. My story sadly didn't end happy ever after with my ex-DH, even though I gave him a second chance; chasing his "fantasy" woman ended our marriage (needless to say that's exactly what it was..... a fantasy).

Going to the doctors is a huge step towards helping YOURSELF. I too needed help, not so much for depression, but more for anxiety and the wonderful little 20mg of Citaolpram did the job every day.

You have so much yet to face - you know that. But you have handled yourself incredibly well, don't ever doubt how strong you are. I've been lurking on your thread since it started, don't often have time to respond to many posts these days but something struck a chord with yours.

As for your DH worrying over who you are going to tell - that speaks volumes of his guilt and probably his own horror as to what he's done/put you through. Good.

I did send an email to the whore mistress - just a simple one liner saying "I would respectfully ask that you now leave my husband alone and go back to your own family. Between you, you have done more damage than you could ever imagine". I know many people say refrain from contact - but boy did it make me feel better then, and now.

Keep strong, keep your friends close - they will help you immeasurably.

Keep posting, please - cry, rant, rage. Show your bewilderment, anger, grief - we'll be here for you

Brassica,
I am so, so sorry to hear this, but I suppose at least you have found out, rather than driving yourself round the bend with worry, doubt and suspicion.

I must say, from your post, it doesn't sound like he is very remorseful. Sorry for being caught more like.

Please feel free to disregard me, but I think it may be a bit early for you to be considering building trust again. Do you want to continue your relationship because you want to be with this man going forward? Or is it because you are grieving for who you thought he was, how it used to be, and because of the (very legitimate) fear of the future of raising 2 very young children on your own?

You have a lot to think about.

How horribly cruel and selfish for him to do this to you.

Brassica - get yourself to the doctor sooner rather than later. I didnt go for several weeks, by which time I was sitting around crying every day and no good to anybody. My doctor put me on Citalopram, which has helped me to deal with everything.

Its not going to be an easy ride from now on. What you do is very much your decision as you have 3 little ones to think of.

My STBXH walked out on me just before I turned 40, came back then walked again just after. I was stressed with home, work, family etc too. We have to deal with it all, they hide from it by starting an affair.

Stay strong, there are lots of brilliant people posting on here who have been through it and who have helped me.

Four months ago I would never have imagined myself being as strong as I am now and a lot of that is thanks to the support on here.

Take care

Oh shit, so sorry to read your updates. You did brilliantly finding out so much.

I have not experienced this but IMO you should tell as many people as you damn well want. Having his perfect work reputation ruined is the least he deserves.

Am sorry your spot-on suspicions were confirmed. Even though you knew, it still is such a shock to have the affair confirmed and it opens a floodgate of emotions that were stemmed. It takes a while, a good number of weeks, to process them...you've been marvellous but do also be kind to yourself and not expect to much of you either in terms of what you think you must feel or do. It's a really good decision to see your GP and to confide in some close friends.

And another really good decision you've made is to make H sleep in the spare room and then go to a hotel. Time is ticking - not for you lovely, you take as long as you need to - but for H. He needs to face up to reality quickly and act damn fast if he's going to save his marriage. Plenty of people are faced with the tedium of family life but don't have affairs, so what is his excuse? The answer is there isn't one, it's invariably their selfishness, not thinking about the massive implosion this would have on you, your dcs, the family in pursuit of an ego boost and cheap thrill. The longer he takes to get to the point of doing all in his power to rebuild your love, trust and respect the more it wanes. You can't do this for him, he has to want to do it - but leaving the family home for the four walls of a hotel room is a good way of focusing his mind. Then you can decide if you want what he is offering.

I keep saying it but thank you all for giving your help and sharing experiences so generously. It helps more than you know. Excuse me not namechecking anyone in particular.

The doctor didn't rush to put me on antidepressants, she signed me off work for 2 weeks and gave me a script for sleeping tablets if I should need them. It helped to talk it through a bit and I am going back on Monday.

I have spoken to a friend tonight and texted two others. He is at a hotel. I think what would help more than anything is to be given a day away from it all, not have to worry about my childcare duties.

Please please do not let him come home tomorrow. You need space and time to digest evrything and decide what is right for you to do.
His wants and needs no longer matter.
If he has to stay away he will have plenty time to see just what he has thrown away for a cheap shag with OW
Let him take the DC's for a while on his own to give you your much needed space.
I am glad you have spoken to RL friends but perhaps you could be getting support from your family if you told them.

How long do you think it has been going on for? (not that it matters I suppose)

I know this sounds a bit off the wall, but do you think it would be an idea to reassess your childcare arrangements? If not immediately, perhaps longer term?

It sounds like you are the one who is carrying all the burden in relation to taking time off when twins can't go to nursery, and I bet you have responsibility for the majority of the domestic chores too.

It may be as cost effective to have a nanny/housekeeper, as it is to have 2 DC at nursery, and the nanny could help with laundry, kids meals, tidying and light cleaning. If kids are ill, the nanny still turns up (although the downside, is if the nanny is ill?).

It just seems that you are under so much pressure at the moment, this might help to relieve some of it for you.

In the interim, can you put some pressure on the nursery to take the twins? I remember when mine were at a day nursery they would be sent home at the drop of a hat - I got so hacked off with it that I would take them straight to the GP, and if the GP was happy, I would deliver DC back to the nursery the same day. Nursery hated it, but I think they started to think twice before sending home.

Sorry for going off on a tangent.

Maybe you should get to stay at the hotel tomorrow night?