Think my DH is sleeping with someone but can't prove it - WWYD?

[Brassica]

This is long, sorry. My DH and I have been married for 6 years and have 18 month old twins. He has previously been a completely exemplary husband - so loving, thoughtful, attentive, reassuring, fun-loving, cuddly, open, kind... Yet recently I have found myself more and more sure that he is cheating because there is stuff I just can't explain any other way, and most of it revolves around the use of his work Blackberry.

1. Firstly, he is quite distant. Gone are the spontaneous hugs, hand holds, kisses, 'love you's, etc and that was the first thing I noticed. I put it down to being so rushed with the twins that opportunities to do it are lost. We have averaged sex about once a month since they came along - I have not been initiating it really because of tiredness/slight hang ups over my body but he has not seemed bothered at all - has never seemed discontent about it.
2. He disappears upstairs on his own every evening (at least once, sometimes several times) and is not checking on the twins. Gone for 5-15 minutes each time. No mention when he comes down that he's been doing anything. Each time it is when I am safely occupied with something - washing up, watching something on TV. Yesterday I quietly came upstairs to see if I could hear what he was doing but couldn't - all I could tell was he was in our room with the lights off and when I asked 'what were you doing in there?!' he just said 'nothing' and stepped into the twins' room to check on them.
3. He keeps his Blackberry on his person at all times - which he has never done before. In the past if he's needed to look at work emails etc then it has been done openly and explaining that he's promised to deal with something.
4. Keeping his Blackberry on him is done secretly - I only know because I check his bag periodically at times when it should be there and it's not, but then a bit later it quietly reappears.
5. The reason why I have started checking where it is is that the other week he came in very late after a work night out, and although he woke me up I think he thought I'd dozed off again. He stood with his back to the bed tapping away on a device - I thought he must be checking cricket scores on his phone or something, but then at the end he dropped the device into his bag and it was therefore his Blackberry. At 1.30am and while drunk/tired is anyone checking work emails?
6. I can't remember when it started but for a while now (weeks? months?) he has engineered a reason to leave the house without me on days when we are there together - volunteering to take the twins for a walk "so I can have a break" or going to the supermarket, or on Sunday going into town to see the end of the women's road race. On Sunday he took his camera with him and in the bag was his Blackberry (I had a very swift look)...
7. It was my birthday the other week - a 'special' one - and although he ticked all the boxes pretty much like taking me out for lunch, it didn't feel like a special one from his end. He didn't say happy birthday for about the first 5 minutes we were awake, he didn't remember to get me a present or card from the twins, he didn't 'make a fuss of me'. I had a party with lots of friends and family and I think the old DH would have said a few words but he didn't.

So it's just unsubstantiated hunches but I am struggling to see why he would be doing this stuff apart from to allow him to contact someone else either by phone or text/email without me knowing. The twins must serve as a great distraction because he knows when I am dealing with them I can't do much else.

I tried to broach the subject the other day but only got as far as addressing the distant attitude, which he has apparently tried to put right the last few days, so there have been more kisses and a bit more attentiveness, but he didn't even react when I mentioned about our sex life being too sporadic. I felt as though I couldn't challenge him on the Blackberry use because I don't have a shred of evidence.

So what would you do? I don't have a clue what the password is for his Blackberry so I can't take a look at it (on the rare occasion it's not on his person). If I bring up my suspicions then he's just going to deny it, isn't he? He'll find reasons to explain it and cast doubt on my gut feeling. I find it unbelievable that he, of all people, could cheat, but then I find the way he's behaving even more unbelievable at the moment.

Krumbum when i asked to see his phone as he wasn't hiding anything he said (with venom) " As you asked NO "

How are things today Brassica ??

Well I still haven't done it...only reason being that once the twins were in bed we were into the review of the olympics and closing ceremony and frankly I didn't want to miss that. I am nervous about doing it and crossing the rubicon into having to face whatever he's been doing openly, but the limbo is also very hard. So tonight it will be. Thanks for messages of support and I'm sure I will let you know how it goes.

Brassica my love you do it when you feel you can. I was going to say 'when you're ready' but don't think you ever can be ready but just steel yourself for it to be painful. If there is anything we can do, hand-holding, practical advice or chatting about nonsense in the meantime, we are here xx

I don't blame you brassica. it's hard to do unless you are buoyed up by real anger and outrage. I have always beleived in trust and respect for privacy even in a marriage - I don't think I own the contents of DH's head - so it was hard for me to ask such intrusive questions. It was only possible because overwhelming suspicion (and MN!) had prompted me to check his phone for the first time ever and I found hundreds of texts between DH and another woman ('I love everything about you' was a gem from him to her ). I really think the BB is the key - if you ask him and he refuses to let you see it, you are going to have to insist or you'll be left in limbo still doubting but with no hard proof either way. And he may well delete everything. Is there any way you can get at it before you tackle him. I know it's sneaky but what he is doing ( assuming he is) is even more so.

2 months down the line for me and I am still in so much pain and confusion but working through it. I hope you find it's not true but if it is we are all here. MN has been a godsend to me even though they didn't always say what I wanted to hear. Thinking of you xx

It's the hardest thing to do, isn't it? My advice (having done this) is let him think you know much more than you do and bring it up when he's least expecting it.

My xDH became secretive with his phone too. It was the first sign something was not quite right. He put a passcode on it which he had never done before and it never left his side. The chat will be painful but is the right thing to do. Good luck!

I really feel for you because it's such an emotive discussion and it's hard to plan what or how you'll play because when emotions take over it quite often happens very differently.

If I were you, I would get hold of the phone first and then ask him for the password. Don't give him a chance to slip off and delete anything once he realises how the conversation is going.

Good luck. X

This is my first post on this thread but just wanted to say I'm really sorry for your situation Brassica

As someone above said, make out like you know everything even though you actually know very little. And decide what it is that you want as an outcome from this. Do you want a break up? A divorce? To try again? To live as 'housemates'? To never see the wanker again?

Thinking of you honey.

Wow I've just read the whole thread.

OP you seem very collected and I'm sorry that you are going through this.

When I discovered EXp was shagging the local whore behind my back - while I was busy looking after OUR Dc - I confronted him only to be told "I don't know if my heart lies with HER or with YOU and if you really loved me you would gve me the time to discover the truth"

What a cunt he was.

Hope you're okay OP.

Hi Brassica, hope you're ok. I know how you feel because this happened to me. Like everyone else I really couldn't believe that my husband could be unfaithful and even when I discovered that he'd been texting someone I still thought there was going to be a reasonable explanation. When I confronted him he always denied that there was anything going on - he insisted they were just friends. Eventually after about 2 years I discovered the 'secret' phone and finally knew the extent of their relationship. By then I think it was already over with her. I think he would have said anything to avoid telling me the truth and I wanted to believe him. We're still together, 5 years on but it's taken quite a toll on our relationship to be honest. Hope you manage to work it out.

He is having an affair. It was not an easy conversation and as many predicted he tried to divert and distract. Thank you so much for coaching me on how to conduct it, because it made me much more savvy to the tricks than I would have been.

I eventually got to look at the bb and it only has quite recent stuff on it but there are many daily "love yous" and references to being bf/gf. There are also some sexual references so although he is painting it as a friendship that got out of hand, it went much further. She is also married with children & apparently both know it would not lead to leaving their partners...

He says he will finish it tomorrow. I still have his bb and refused to give it back. I am tempted to email her and call her some names. I shouldn't should I?

He is very concerned about who I plan to tell & I have made no promises as I need support and it is up to me who I get that from. Nevertheless I don't think I will insist on telling families yet as it will cause them pain.

I have scared him on several counts. Firstly I have told him to sleep in the spare room tonight & in a hotel tomorrow night. He is scared I am chucking him out.Secondly how many friends I tell. Thirdly I pointed out that it will be obvious at work (she is a colleague) and people will be thinking badly of him. It really matters to him to be well thought of.

I believe him when he says he loves me & wants to put it right. He doesn't want to lose me and the twins, and he remembers enough of his former self to know we were good together & that he is ashamed of jeopardising it. Fantasy, he called it. This woman represents fantasy where the routine of life with twins is not happening. I called him quite a few names and shoved him away when he was trying to stop me reading every last thing on the bb.

Sorry this is all quite garbled. It's a lot to process etc but I know it's not as bad as I feared, might not sound it to some of you reading but I know it could be worse if I'd found nasty stuff about me or plans to leave us or worse sexual stuff etc. I just need to figure out how we rebuild the trust.

Thanks for reading, and helping so much...

I am very sorry x

I would email her before he gets the chance to speak to her. let her know that you know--let her sweat a bit about what you will do.

If l was the OW's DP l would want to know

Tell whoever you want and need to tell, do not let him dictate that.

He needs to move out more than just one nighthe needs to feel and see the enormity of his actions. Stuff causing his family pain. You did not cause it he did.

It would appear he is more concerned with who knows and who you will tell than your feelings at present.

So sorry hun, you sound like you're holding it together well. xx

If you know who she is, I'd look up in the phone book and call her husband. He deserves to know too.

A wee text to OW would do

ie It's Brassica here---l know....

Not what everyone would do, but I guess I just think 'if it were me, I'd want to know.' No one wants to find out everyone knows but them sorta thing. :(

So sorry Brassica xx

So sorry OP

So sorry for you, have been there..

You just take your time on where you want to go from here.

Im sorry Brassica. It is horrible. Even when your instincts are screaming at you that he's having an affair, you still want to be proved wrong.
Take the time to really think about what it is you want. I hope it works out good for you, whatever you decide to do.

So sorry to hear this. Thinking of you tonight.

I wouldn't tell her partner.....yet.....let her stew for a bit.

I would text her to let her no I knew though along with some reference to the pain she has inflicted on both families.

Also forward everything to yourself in case you need evidence in the future.

Good luck.