Think my DH is sleeping with someone but can't prove it - WWYD?

[Brassica]

This is long, sorry. My DH and I have been married for 6 years and have 18 month old twins. He has previously been a completely exemplary husband - so loving, thoughtful, attentive, reassuring, fun-loving, cuddly, open, kind... Yet recently I have found myself more and more sure that he is cheating because there is stuff I just can't explain any other way, and most of it revolves around the use of his work Blackberry.

1. Firstly, he is quite distant. Gone are the spontaneous hugs, hand holds, kisses, 'love you's, etc and that was the first thing I noticed. I put it down to being so rushed with the twins that opportunities to do it are lost. We have averaged sex about once a month since they came along - I have not been initiating it really because of tiredness/slight hang ups over my body but he has not seemed bothered at all - has never seemed discontent about it.
2. He disappears upstairs on his own every evening (at least once, sometimes several times) and is not checking on the twins. Gone for 5-15 minutes each time. No mention when he comes down that he's been doing anything. Each time it is when I am safely occupied with something - washing up, watching something on TV. Yesterday I quietly came upstairs to see if I could hear what he was doing but couldn't - all I could tell was he was in our room with the lights off and when I asked 'what were you doing in there?!' he just said 'nothing' and stepped into the twins' room to check on them.
3. He keeps his Blackberry on his person at all times - which he has never done before. In the past if he's needed to look at work emails etc then it has been done openly and explaining that he's promised to deal with something.
4. Keeping his Blackberry on him is done secretly - I only know because I check his bag periodically at times when it should be there and it's not, but then a bit later it quietly reappears.
5. The reason why I have started checking where it is is that the other week he came in very late after a work night out, and although he woke me up I think he thought I'd dozed off again. He stood with his back to the bed tapping away on a device - I thought he must be checking cricket scores on his phone or something, but then at the end he dropped the device into his bag and it was therefore his Blackberry. At 1.30am and while drunk/tired is anyone checking work emails?
6. I can't remember when it started but for a while now (weeks? months?) he has engineered a reason to leave the house without me on days when we are there together - volunteering to take the twins for a walk "so I can have a break" or going to the supermarket, or on Sunday going into town to see the end of the women's road race. On Sunday he took his camera with him and in the bag was his Blackberry (I had a very swift look)...
7. It was my birthday the other week - a 'special' one - and although he ticked all the boxes pretty much like taking me out for lunch, it didn't feel like a special one from his end. He didn't say happy birthday for about the first 5 minutes we were awake, he didn't remember to get me a present or card from the twins, he didn't 'make a fuss of me'. I had a party with lots of friends and family and I think the old DH would have said a few words but he didn't.

So it's just unsubstantiated hunches but I am struggling to see why he would be doing this stuff apart from to allow him to contact someone else either by phone or text/email without me knowing. The twins must serve as a great distraction because he knows when I am dealing with them I can't do much else.

I tried to broach the subject the other day but only got as far as addressing the distant attitude, which he has apparently tried to put right the last few days, so there have been more kisses and a bit more attentiveness, but he didn't even react when I mentioned about our sex life being too sporadic. I felt as though I couldn't challenge him on the Blackberry use because I don't have a shred of evidence.

So what would you do? I don't have a clue what the password is for his Blackberry so I can't take a look at it (on the rare occasion it's not on his person). If I bring up my suspicions then he's just going to deny it, isn't he? He'll find reasons to explain it and cast doubt on my gut feeling. I find it unbelievable that he, of all people, could cheat, but then I find the way he's behaving even more unbelievable at the moment.

I think doha has said it perfectly.

Also - you are a strong brave woman who has handled this with dignity - we are all here for you. Tell who you need to tell and definitely - definitely - tell her you know. I would tell her husband too so he knows he is married ro a cheating cow.

Your husband has acted like a spineless little git - a fantasy?! Getting away from the realities of the children etc?! He needs to bloody grow up as act like a man. Hopefully with counselling and time you cam see this through - but he news to own this and face up to how he has been.

Never forget you are worth so much more as that you have acted with complete dignity in the face of such crap you did not need. I hope he owns this and learns from it. Good luck and I hope you cam let us know how you go x

I'm sorry that it's turned out this way! I would keep him hanging and feeling insecure about his marriage for a few days, at least until you are 100% confident that their relationship is over.

It's shocking that his primary concern is how people perceive him. What about you and how this looks to you?! I'd tell his parents if I were you and let him feel the full effect of his actions! I would also book some relate sessions with a good counsellor.

Good luck x

Firstly I am sorry OP.

Secondly it doesn't matter what way he paints it, this man is a cheat. He clearly has no respect for you and your family life texting another woman all hours of the night. It has taken for you to catch him for him to admit it, he did not draw the line under it himself.

If that was me I would be asking him to leave for good and not just spend a few nights in a hotel.

Tell anyone you want too, you are the one that has been disrespected and humiliated and now he expects you to show him more respect than he has given you by keeping it quiet.

What a vile excuse to give that it was an escape away from home life? He should feel blessed to have a family which love him. I would not trust him to not do it again the next time the opportunity presents. He has put OW in front of your needs as a family and as a wife.

You sound like a lovely woman OP, please don't let him get away with treating like this.

Xxxx

Don't worry about hurting other people...They love you! They won't care about hurt, all they'll want to do is support you! Imagine this was one of your kids. You'd be devastated, but you'd want to be there for them.

I would email and tell her she is a home wrecking cow and she better tell her DH before you tell him!

But that's just me

Brassica

Really sorry. At least you know the truth now - but you will be in shock for a while and should expect to experience every possible emotion in the coming weeks. It's all normal and you don't have to make any decisions until you are good and ready.

The only decision I would urge you to make is which friend(s) to confide in. Get some support from someone you respect and trust. Please don't rely on him to get you through this, he is running scared now and only has his own interests at heart.

Oh I'm so sorry your fears were real. You sound very brave for tackling him about it.

As others have said, it doesn't matter what he wants you to do regarding telling or not telling people. That is 100% your decision to make.

Why is he waiting until tomorrow to finish it with her? He should do it now.

OP you cannot build rebuilt trust until he has truely repented for the affair, only then can you start to work on your relationship.

He hasn't ended it because he wanted to he is ending it (you think!!!) becuase you found out. How much longer was it going to continue,???
He has no respect for you and is NOT a good dad to the twins

His reaction is dreadful----who will you tell, that is pathetic, if he was truely sorry he wouldn't care who knew as long as you could begin to forgive him.

I wouldn't trust him yet..He cannot turn off his feelings overnight..will he continue to work with her?

He is pathetic excuse for a man and the OW is no better

I think you should arrange an STI check and get some real life support form friends and family.

Give yourself time to think about what you want

So sorry Brassica.

Over the next few days you may feel numb, my body literally ran on adrenaline the first week. After this time you will ride a wave of emotions which are all very normal.

Remember you have now burst his fantasy bubble and I'm hoping the reality of his betrayal will come crashing down around him enough to be open with you about everything.

Thinking of you x

And yes, confide in a good friend who will be there for support whatever you decide to do in the future.

Sorry OP, how utterly shit for you

Why is he not finishing it tonight?
I would want to be witness to that conversation, in fact I would probably insist on taking the phone off him and having a few words with her aswell, probably along the lines of ''I'm coming over to have a little chat with your husband tomorrow you bitch ''

Hi Brassica, I just wanted to add how sorry I am. Take care.

Just text her and tell her simply you know.

Give nothing away to either of them until you have had time to process this.

Pair of worms.

What a shock - I'm so sorry you were right. You've handled this amazingly sensibly so far, and I'm sure you'll continue to do so. Surround yourself with good people you trust and love, and take comfort in your children. Good luck xx

shit! Sorry brassica.

Sounds similar to my dh's affair but I reckon you are more on the ball and together than I was. If it helpsy thread was called Rumourscat dh's work' but it died the death of 1000 posts in the en.

I think a simple text to her just saying that you know. Leave it there for now. Give her the chance to tell her dh. I assume your husband wants to finish it with her? If so please make sure you see the text he sends or hear the phone call. I never did and it's eating away at me.

Good luck my lovely. Thinking of you xxx

Brassica- fwiw I know exactly what you mean by 'it could have been worse'. Dh was never unkind about me in the texts, there was no plan to leave together, they knew there was no chance of it happening, but it was compartmentalised fantasy. He still loved me and still does - that helps, but not enough.

Brassica so sorry to hear this.

Recently made a similar discovery - but completely without the suspicion beforehand.

I'd always thought I'd be the type of woman that would throw her husband out if he ever cheated -and yet he had an emotional affair which lasted about 6 months and we're trying to make a go of it.

Major things which influenced my decision were his complete remorse when he was found out - (also said it was a fantasy taking him away from the crap happening at home). He ended all contact immediately. He is doing everything he can to 'make it up to me'. He has been very affectionate since discovery and still very worried that I will still throw him out - I might further down the line - who knows? A big factor was that there had been no physical contact - she lived hundreds of miles away.

He was also willing to leave the house if that was what I wanted.

Lots of conversation since and a lot of difficult listening by me as I asked for details - and it hurts so much.
Until you've been through it you cannot appreciate how devastating it is - the one person who should be there for you always is the one causing all the hurt.

It's up to you who you tell - he has to realise that if you play with fire you will get burned - and as it's a work colleague others at work probably realise anyway.

I actually texted the OW - it felt good and still does - telling her I knew and what I thought of her. She never replied.

Will be thinking of you - and remember you have to think of you. Emotions will be all over the place - adrenaline kicking in and also check out 'hysterical bonding'.

Your husband needs to put your feelings before his though.

Brassica You sound like such a strong, level-headed woman! What an absolute fool he must be!

Wishing you the very very best of luck. Keep strong and remember that you're in the driving seat in terms of who you tell, what happens from now etc. Don't let him dictate anything to you.

What room does he usually go to to check his blackberry in secret?-if he speaks on the phone in his car/in that room of the house you could always keep a voice recorder on in there one or two nights, just to see if any dodgy calls are made - at least then you'd know. And hey he might be making the most boring work calls in history or playing Tetris to which he has become secretly addicted, which'd be a relief.

Although my approach does sound like something out of a bad lifetime channel movie- hey, at least it'd work

Sorry brassica I just read your last post - you seem to be handling it all so well...I'm sorry to hear your fears were correct.

So sorry to hear this Brassica

As others have said, just do whats right for you. If you want to tell family and friends then do so, don't 'not' do it because he wants it - he's been putting his own feelings first for too long, now it's your turn.

Good move on keeping the BB!

What you've been through sounds like an exact copy of what my DH did two years ago. You'll go through a whole rangee of emotions over the coming months. If it's any help, myself and my DH are still together, we're still working through it but it can be done and your relationship can be stronger. But... and it's a big but, it all depends on how you feel and how he reacts to the whole situation. The reason I choose to stay with him was a lot to do with his reaction on being found out, never once did he say it was my fault, or because we had issues in our relationship (which we did, but at least he had the common sense not to blame that). It was a massive ego boost for him and an escape into fantasy. This doesn't take away the massive betrayal I felt and not recognising the man I married for a while.

I found that when my DH did this he broke something in the relationship that can never be replaced, it's the 100% trust you have with a new person, that once it's gone, it's gone. You may trust him again, but it will never be that blind trust you get from someone who's never hurt you before.

I really do hope you find some peace and work it out, keep posting on here, it's a big help!

:( So sorry to hear this Brassica. Even though it seemed clear what he was doing I so desperately hoped he wasn't.

I'm glad you've made him leave for a bit. The thing you need right now is space and time to decide your next move. Surround yourself with RL support; friends, family. Try and forget about her, she's a bit of a red herring here. Direct your anger at your husband, he's the one who broke his vows to you. I hope you are feeling ok today brassica. Take care.

With the advances in technology and social networking sites emotional affairs are becoming more common and they're so easy to conduct aren't they! I NEVER would have thought I would have been in this position this time two years ago but you live and learn!

Brassica I hope your dh is talking to you and talking honestly, I hope he tells you all there is to know. If you feel he isn't being totally straight with you you're probably right, your antennae will be on red alert now! I was you five months ago, I feel somehow stronger now even though I'm still riding the wave, dp and I are still together and he went beyond the texting stage.

Whatever you decide we'll be here for you to vent x

Brassica, you sound so strong. Be prepared for an emotional roller coaster. The only thing to do is let the emotions run their course and give yourself time, lots of time. It does sound like he is regretful and will do anything to repair the damage. I think what I'm discovering ( our situations are v similar) ,is that I now have to decide whether I still have enough feelings for him to make a go of it. It's like he's killed something off and I don't know if I can ever like/love/respect him again. There have been moments where I have felt hopeful but a lot of the time I just want him to go away. ( hes still living here).It has only been 2 months for me. The first few weeks I was so shocked and numb, couldn't sleep or eat properly, then that wore off somewhat and I can now think a bit more clearly. We are waiting for Relate counselling, it's worth ringing them as it can be a long waiting list.
I don't know what will happen with us long term, but I will do the counselling and I have holidays planned which the DCs are so excited about so am giving it until at least Xmas before making any big decisions.
Sending you a big hug, keep posting, and please find someone in RL you can talk to, it really helps.

So sorry Brassica xx
What he want's and how he feels is not important, take your time to process this shock and think about yourself and Dc. Tell who you want to - he doesn't get to decide who finds out. He should have thought about his reputation before cheating on you.
Take care of yourself xx