please please help

[LouP19]

I have come home and my husband has moved out all of his belongings. Everything, even the garage is clear. He dropped me off after work and said he had to go and play cricket and needed some time on his own. I was distraught and said we needed to talk. Things haven't been right for a few weeks, he has denied somebody else.

All of his belongings are gone. I am shaking. No one knows where he has gone. Married 5 years, no kids. Please please help.

Don't know if this will help at all but...
When I was very confused about how much rubbish I should be putting up with as part of being married I had a sudden lightbulb moment: My parents have been married for 40+ years. I wouldn't say they had a perfect relationship but I know they would both say they have benefitted from staying together. Anyway, I suddenly realised that if my dad wouldn't behave towards my mum in the way that someone was behaving towards me, then they shouldn't be behaving in that way. If my mum is worthy of respect then so am I!

It really helped clarify things for me - can't believe it took me about 35 years to realise it!

If he was having a breakdown he would not

1. Be able to go to work (due to stress) let alone travel for work..

1. Worry about a holiday in September.

1. Organise another house, van and removal half your belongings from your house.

I would text him you don't want to speak to him tonight, but want you half of your holiday money returned to your bank account today/tomorrow. And you will contact him when your ready.

I would text him you don't want to speak to him tonight, but want you half of your holiday money returned to your bank account today/tomorrow. And you will contact him when your ready

Yes - this^. Little shit taking that money from you the day before he'd planned to run out on you. Shame on him for his greed and duplicity.

Thank you all for your encouragement and advice, without this I would be nowhere today. Locks changed on gate, chain on front door. Now at M+D's, very very nice neighbour looking after cats (Aunty Sue, she's fab, put her arms around me straight away). Typical me that I'm devastated about all the stress the cats are going through, they're my total joy.

Also managed to eat one fried egg on bread and a yogurt.

I'm now worried you might think I'm not 'so together'. I texted him and said 'Agree we need to talk, but not tonight. I need to know what is going on. Is tomorrow convenient? and within minutes I've had the most garbled emotional text ever. The man has lost it. I'm now at my parents and can hear HIS mum on the phone to mine. The text was along the lines of 'I love you so much, don't want to lose you, I want us to be together,.... blah blah.' He misses me, he misses the cats. Not replied, but might do tonight with something along the lines of 'I need to know what this is about' and that's all. This type of reacton from me (i.e. cool) is working. I haven't, and won't, plead or beg just now.

I rang up the free Relate service this afternoon and chatted to someone for over an hour. She was AMAZING. We talked about the pressure of his job (his travelling away, difficult for us to get into a routine), the immense pressure of TTC, she analysed both sides and made me reflect. She thought he sounds like he's an Asperger's Breakdown. Not sure if this is correct, but she said many of his characteristics (temporarility going off on one, running away, complete lack of empathy, only one viewpoint on things, has to experience pain to feel it for others,....). It was very useful, but she still said it's something HE needs to deal with, and admits that these people are incredibly difficult in relationships if they don't admit the issue.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Intrigued now what HIS Mum is saying to mine. I'm very wary that all this may be a screen and he'll still leave at the end of it. Not making any huge decisions, but not pandering. But I DO need to keep some communication open to try and get some answers, that I do know. But as the lady from Relate says, try to make sure you're doing it for YOUR benefit and not his.

What a total bastard.

Lou what strikes me about his messages to you is that he is not concerned about you, hadn't really asked if you are okay, or texted back when you haven't replied. For all he knows, you could be on your own and suicidal after his appalling behaviour. And yet his messages are about what he wants and what you need to do..
.he doesn't even know if you are alive, on hospital etc. it's all about him. He absolutely does not deserve you, your time or your concern.

Is he very insecure? I agree with these people who have mentioned attention seeking. It almost sounds a bit like he wants proof that you love him and actually care that he's left. it does seem very strange.I think you're handling this all very well. I hope things work out for you x

Sorry Lou cross posts!

Eugh not another unqualified relate counseller unqualified to diagnose, throwing in the aspergers label, to help try and justify to you this shitty behaviour.

I'm sorry op bit nothing you say suggests an ASD disorder :(

I don't know....does seem like some kind of breakdown? Not as simple as there's OW, i'm off. Nothing seems to add up.

For what it's worth, think your approach is the right one for the moment. Keep calm, keep cool, talk when you're ready, self preservation first.

Be very, very cautious, Lou. Relate train their own counsellors. They are not typically, as far as I'm aware, trained psychologists of any kind. An accredited mental health professional would be very unlikely to offer a diagnosis over the phone of a person they weren't even speaking to.

Ok, take the point about ASD, won't worry about that for now.

Looks like my Mum has given his Mum a bit of a bollocking. Said that you had to see the house yesterday (empty shelves, empy cupboards, empty garage) to believe how awful it was. She (his Mum) said she wanted to apologise for his behaviour. Anyway, apparently he's rang his parents and said 'She wouldn't have me back now'. I'm seeing the excuses, don't worry. My fault for not having him back, of course!

Among all the upheavel and name is at least making me smile. ;-)

Well done for eating though .

I hope his mother's not trying to make excuses for him. You know, "well, louP was a little dismissive of him last Boxing Day when he brought in the drinks. He doesn't like that, you know"

And go Lou's mum!

May be just me but the removal van and the chutney seem a bit too extreme for attention seeking or a breakdown....I would hazard a guess that there's a lot more to it

Good on you for seeing his manipulation.

It is all about him and his suffering. Do not rise to the oh woe is me pity party this man is attempting to get you to feel sorry for him on.

Male here again.

FWIW I wouldnt take him back no matter how much he begged and cried.

If he has been coldly calculating enough to do this once then he will do it again.

This was not a 'spur of the moment' thing. He planned it and organised over several days if not weeks.

You dont just go out in the morning and hire a big van, you have to book them in advance.

He was a cold calculating git.

Count this as a lucky escape. he would only have got worse.

You can now get on with living your life properly.

My exDW blamed all her affairs on me becuase I gave her too much freedom to go out and meet other men and treated her too well. Apparently I should have been more strict with her!!!

Gawd balotelli sorry to hear that. Cheaters are very manipulative...

Put it this way, you don't lose anything by not texting him back tonight, do you. If there is somehow an innocent explanation for all this and if you are going to end up back together, then one unanswered text isn't going to matter. One thing Relate lady was right about for sure, it's about what communication YOU need to have, not him. It's not been 24 hours. Do exactly what you want at your pace. If I were in your place I'd still be gibbering with shock, I think you're doing amazingly!

"" relate said many of his characteristics (temporarility going off on one, running away, complete lack of empathy, only one viewpoint on things, has to experience pain to feel it for others,....). It was very useful, but she still said it's something HE needs to deal with, and admits that these people are incredibly difficult in relationships if they don't admit the issue.""

All of this could apply to my H and the way he treated me after he left. He didnt give a toss about me and what he had done to me, it's just par for the course. My H could only see it his way, there was no wSy I could change and therefore it was over...... My days of trying to please him are long gone...

I'm glad you have eaten and secured the house. Stay firm in your contact with him. I begged my H and just made him colder and harder towards me.

Stay strong. I'm glad your parents are there for you.

So basically you have had a few emails or texts or whatever from him that have been absolutely 100% all about him, how he feels, his turmoil or his 'love' for you, what he wants, blah blah blah.

It is him, him, him, all the way down the line.

I like your idea of telling him he can contact your solicitor after Monday. Please, please do not talk with him. You will end up feeling as if you have been run over by a train.

He is not interested in your feelings here.

He is clearly irrational and will be very defensive. He needs to get himself a therapist and you must not try to play this role here.

You are dealing with a seriously messed up individual here and I sincerely hope you will not consider taking him back under any circumstances unless you want your head fucked with for the rest of your life.

I love your mum.

Don't roast me however my personal opinion is that he has completely fucked up and OW is pregnant.

I hope I am just being ridiculous.

I cannot see any other reason as to why he would have coldly planned this to such a degree.

Aspergers blather is bollocks....