please please help

[LouP19]

I have come home and my husband has moved out all of his belongings. Everything, even the garage is clear. He dropped me off after work and said he had to go and play cricket and needed some time on his own. I was distraught and said we needed to talk. Things haven't been right for a few weeks, he has denied somebody else.

All of his belongings are gone. I am shaking. No one knows where he has gone. Married 5 years, no kids. Please please help.

It is a woman - re the 'friend' convo with his parents (when he wouldn't stipulate male or female when pressed).

Agree totally with bus's post re I need to know that you love me and need me and that you will listen to my concerns before we go on .

so, you've been turning a blind eye to his goings-on, so he's upped the ante (AND HOW!!) to get you to heel.

sorry, that's what it looks like to me - particularly as he's the golden boy with his parents and used to getting his own way...

keep shtum (however you spell that). NOt a peep. he's fine imo. If he can orchestrate all that down to the finest detail - plus orchestrating 'somewhere to live with his chutneys ' , he's fine. Not obvous or discernible MH imo.

Chilling, more like.

You should have seen the shite my DH came out with via emails/texts etc when he was staying with his "friends/mates" (read that OW) whilst needing space, having a breakdown etc.

He even told his parents that I was cold and unfeeling (er yes, because he was creating distance etc to justify the affair) and that he was thinking of leaving - they told me this after the event, intimating to me that what did I expect if I was like that to him .

I would do things so, so differently now, it was only thanks to WWIFN that I came to my senses about the possibility of an OW.

This man is only having a breakdown because of what he is/was doing ie leading a double life with a possibly ever more demanding ow pulling his strings and yanking his chain.

If you can, please avoid all contact with him for th timebeing and limit contact with his associates - I remember making all manner calls trying to locate DH and find out what he was up to - I had 4dcs though and was panicking big time with traumatised DCs to think about.

Think only of yourself now, keep you cards close to your chest - you owe this man nothing after the way he has treated you.

"listen to my concerns?"
What a fucking CHEEK! So, all those times you asked him to talk to you when you felt there was a distance between you and he brushed you off?

But NOW he wants to talk? And is implying that you wouldn't listen before? So he decided the answer was to go through the house like a plague of locusts while you were out and dump you at the side of the road to make your own way home to an empty house?

Do NOT give this "man" headspace!

Could you suggest to him that he puts all of his "concerns" down in a letter, along with the reason why he fucked off in such a dramatic fashion, also any admissions of guilt he would like to make, then post said letter to you for you to read in your own time and with supportive people of your choice around you?

From what you have said, there are clearly some aspects of his personality which you are unhappy with, and which impact greatly on your relationship. It is not good to have children growing up with a parent who is prone to this type of behaviour - at best unsettling and at worst completely destructive. It sounds like you have a lot of thinking to do about what YOU want and about what's right for YOU.

I don't think he has actually left you. It sounds to me like a MASSIVE attention seeking exercise. He sounds addicted to drama and completely self centred. He was probably expecting you to go running after him, track him down, beg him to come back. Clearing out the chutney just adds to the drama 'I mean it, I'm really going' (like a child 'running away' from home). It's not gone according to plan, so he'll probably keep trying to get a reaction out of you. The ball is in your court now, he has given you the perfect opportunity to take a step back and seriously consider if you want to stay married to & bring up children with this person. I would take your time to think about it. Don't talk to him and give him the attention he's craving, he needs to realise how horrific this all is for you. Ignore him for as long as you can hold out. (If you NEED to contact him for some reason, use an intermediary)

OP, huge hugs from me too.

Sweetheart, the man is a manipulative control freak, arsehole, twunt.

Keep that door locked and proceed with getting rid of him.

Dear LouP,

Your OP made me cry.

You are amazing, and so is your mum. When my exH left me and my 3 dc for my friend, I was hysterical. I played right into his hands, because it wasn't quite as easy or as rosy as he thought it would be, and he constantly played little games to ensure I was still available should he change his mind.

I honestly believe your ex does still 'love' you, and he may also 'love' OW, but he is keeping his options open. After acting in such a decisively cruel, callous fashion, he is making sure he hasn't entirely burned his bridges. She probably laughed/got a bit freaked out when he turned up with half your home, and the chutneys (!) and they may have had a word or two. Seeing that things may not be entirely harmonious, and with both of them realising the magnitude of the devastatingly shitty thing he's done, he's making sure his conscience is eased and he's secure either way.

I am sorry I'm so cynical but this kind of thing happens too often.

I understand your need for details, I really do. I would want to ring his boss as well. I am still finding out tiny bits of what was happening in my marriage whilst I lived in suspicious ignorance, and that was over four years ago. But the one thing I wish I had done when he finally pissed off was act with dignity, and ignored him. My biggest regret was the degrading way I begged and pleaded with him to love me again (shudder), and questioned him continuously. My biggest moment was emailing her (wealthy) husband to ask how long it had been going on for, and he cut her divorce settlement in two. Turned out he was unaware of the affair, and the vile, sneaky duo were holding out for the money before they announced it to him and her DC. Not nice of me, but then again not nice of them, either. Nothing good or nice can ever happen in these circumstances, and everything becomes grubby. Might be best to keep out of it where possible.

You've had some excellent advice on here, and you are being amazing. We're all rootin' for you! There's a long journey ahead, lots to sort out re finances etc, but no point in crossing that bridge yet. Get yourself strong first - that will take time but you have wonderful parents who seem as though they'll be there with you, as will all of us!

God. What a horrible, horrible time for you. That really is the lowest of the low. No practical advice but sending lots of love and strength your way.

I wondered how long it would be before the mental illness card would be played

I would be interested to know if he is still going to work - if it was a real mental breakdown he wouldn't be able to work.

The cold calculating manner of his leaving, everything planned to the last detail etc suggests its not a spur of the moment thing.

These episodes sound more like tantrums - was he an indulged spoilt child?

Hi LouP19, I just wanted to echo that I am so sorry you are going through this horrible experience, and I really feel for you and your terrible sense of shock. I don't think this is a time when you can make decisions about your future. However, I wanted to say that I see two main possibilities - your husband has some kind of significant mental health problem, or is having an affair. Quite possibily it is a combination of those two things. Having mental health issues does not mean you are not responsible for your actions. He chose, for whatever reasons, to put you through this very shocking process, and he is responsible for that, whatever was driving his decision. I am sure his reasons will emerge in time, but please do not lose sight of yourself, how awful this was for you, and please keep in mind whether or not this is a way to will be willing to be treated again in the future. He has shown a callous disregard for you, whilst at the same time actively taking steps to ease his own conscience. In spite of that, he still pushes his own hurt to the front of the picture. There is a selfishness in his actions that should be very disturbing to you.

Please keep on taking support and give your self time to process the shock - this will take weeks at least. I would caution you against making decisions or engaging with him, because it is very easy to hold onto what is familiar when you are in a state of shock and hurting very badly. When the shock starts to fade, then you will be able to think more clearly about what you want here. He may genuinely want to work things out, or he may be ensuring he has a Plan B. Please do not underestimate his ability to heartlessly manipulate you and the situation. He does not care about you at all in this moment. And for that reason, the only person that matters to you, has to be you. Please take good and gentle care of yourself, and allow others who love you to do that too. Sending you a hug and hang on in there. x

Don't have any words of wisdom but you're handling this with grace and dignity and I just wanted to send you a big hug x

Don't reply. As much as you want to don't. Not even to say your solicitor will be in contact. Treat him to complete radio silence.

If and it is a massive if this is some wierd mental thing he has plenty of friends and family to turn to. You need to look after you right now.

This has been going on for weeks and he has refused all your attempts to help.

Look at his actions not his words. Words are cheap and easy and un proveable. Actions are cold premeditated and tell you what he really thinks and feels.

Right now this man is not your friend do not trust him to act as such.

If this is some crazy plot to bring you to heel complete silence will unnerve him as he expects tears and begging.

Take his power to hurt you any more than he already has right away.

You are now a lone female in the house. The strongest most secure additional locks you cam afford are for your security at night and not illegal.

good luck

"I don't think he has actually left you. It sounds to me like a MASSIVE attention seeking exercise. He sounds addicted to drama and completely self centred. He was probably expecting you to go running after him, track him down, beg him to come back. Clearing out the chutney just adds to the drama 'I mean it, I'm really going' (like a child 'running away' from home). It's not gone according to plan, so he'll probably keep trying to get a reaction out of you."

Agree with the above from Abody ^

OP - can you imagine a scenario in which you would take him back? Is there anything he could say that would allow that - any possible reason for his behaviour that would mean you'd allow him back in?

I think it's all about the drama for him.
Before we even get to the fact that he took everything and left he left you in a car park - who does that?

You haven't responded to his taking everything drama so now he wants to talk to you because he needs the response.
He's done a terrible thing, but i would say it's quite a final thing to do, to then say he's not sure. Madness.

I don't think this is a breakdown, I think he's a fantasist.

I think you should continue not to respond, change the locks, seek legal advice and move forward.

What a tool he is.

You, on the other hand, are feckin awesome. You are handling this beautifully. You are smart enough to know his moves in advance, keep it up.

This is the first ever thread on here that I have seen where the OP is doing everything right. You are a star.

So you've been trying to get him to talk for weeks and he's shut you out. Now he's done a runner and he's all desperate to talk? Let him stew. I agree with Xales above who says he has plenty of people to turn to if he wants to talk. He's done something absolutely terrible and he's acting like you're the one who's hurt him! He may be having a mental health episode, but he's behaving utterly bizarrely (and like he's having an affair), and it appears that he's staying with another women (together with all his chutneys and the contents of your garage I would definitely treat him to radio silence. What a shit he's been!

You are handling the sh*tty situation he has thrown at you with such dignity. From a v similar experience I know it's hard not to completely lose it and scream/cry/shout at the tosser but please don't reply to his messages and dance to his tune. I bet he was expecting you to be begging for his return. What a blow for his (vast) ego.

Your H is an utter fool for going through with this in such a shocking and disrespectful way. Your mum sounds ace, glad you have friends and family there with you.

Hi LouP - to all of the excellent advice I just want to add one thing (from experience):

The last thing you should do is give any weight or meaning to anything he says OR texts right now (or indeed, ever again). His words are meaningless and will will do nothing except confuse and hurt you.

His ACTIONS are what you need to pay attention to as the truth in this situation.

The fact that he took everything and moved out is a very clear and definitive action. Writing you soppy texts or crying over the phone (and that will happen) means nothing. It's all contradictory white noise.

I'm glad you have RL support. Good luck.

I completely agree with all of the above LouP, he's had plenty of time to talk over the last few months, you've tried to instigate conversation repeatedly..

He leaves in the most coldest calculating way possible, booking a removal vain ffs, and now wants to talk.. I suspect in order to clear his conscience, if he really thought there was a possibility of moving forward together as a couple he wouldn't have taken everything away.

So so sorry this has happened, have you managed to eat at all today Lou?

For all this shit he's put you through alone, you shouldn't take him back. What if he does this again in a couple of years? When you have dc? You dont need that.

Find a dependable man to have dc with, this guy has a screw loose.

Well I think Fucking Chutney Man takes the biscuit where cruel weird break-ups are concerned, and that's saying a lot on the MN Relationships board.

I would block him for a bit-at least until after you've seen a solicitor and got the locks changed on Monday, which with any luck will help you to feel a bit more in control. Otherwise, it is all about his emotions and needs, and the completely horrible shock you've had will just be ignored.

Do look after yourself, because this just knocks you physically and emotionally. Keep eating, don't hole up in the house all the time, try and get out for walks. I'm glad your mother is with you. It must have been awful to hear her crying, but remember as your mother there is nowhere she'd rather be than at your side, helping you through this.

Bringing up children is hard enough as it is. You don't need any additional baggage like this before you even start.

One day you will view this as a lucky escape. The cruelty of it is what gets me. And now he appears to be minimising it all as a message to you that he wants to talk? Fairly extreme way of showing it, I would say.

LouP, as this story sinks in, it is apparent that your stbx is one of the worst any of us have ever encountered.
Because it is so bad and evil, I was actually thinking he may have been off planning to kill himself (similar story with friend) and that was a concern.............but WOW, his behaviour is beyond despicable.

Personally, with my often low levels of self-control I would delete and block his number/get a new number, block him on FB and just let my mum have his number for divorce contacts etc. Everyone who has been through this, regrets this period of wanting explanations and begging for him back...............can you take measures to stop yourself from doing this? He has been so extreme and calculated that he deserves nothing from you.

He should stew forever in his despicable behaviour and never be given the chance to feel better for what he has done by blaming you / shifting it to you.

I pity the poor women who has been duped by him.

Lots of hugs your way............you will make it through