Ok, Here is what you do.
Hide behind Mum (who rocks by the sound of it for a bit), stop phoning relate, it is meaningless there is no his side your side, perspective. If you need to talk call the samaritains, who will listen not advise or diagnosis.
He LEFT you somewhere, took money from you, ransacked the house. THoses are facts.
If you want to talk to him then that is fine, but be aware for the biggest load of bullshit you have ever heard. It will be along the lines of gaslighting.
You don´t know how hard it is for me,
I have to commute to work....
You wanted to TTC, I felt I had to keep you happy.
All I want is for you to be happy.
You never NEEDED me.
YOu don´t listen to me.
Trust me you will hear what he wants you to, he will advoid, dismiss, dodge and leave you feeling like this is your fault.
You want the truth and he is not going to give it to you!
So does it matter what he has to say, What is going to make this right for you? What is going to make you feel safe, Loved, valued??????
Cause unless he walks in and says I have been an attention loving pig and I am now going to the Dr (please come with me so you know I did it) I would never ask you to fogive me, I have been a shit head. The rest is blowing smoke up your a*. having his cake and eating it, and generally being a manipulative gite.
Now think for just one moment, get a pad and pen and write down everything you loved about him, everything good about him, Everything you hated about him and everything bad about him, Good things in the relationship and Bad things about the relationship. Go on try it, if you are honest with yourself I bet you will be surprised!
Now write a list of questions you need him to answer. Be cold, hard line and specific. I´ll give you a start.
When did you book the van?
Where have you been?
With who?
Prove it.
When did you decided to do this?
Who is the girl in the photo from Napals?
Why did you take my half of the holiday?
Have you slept with anyone else?
Did you use protection?
If you want any hope of getting the facts you have got to be hard as iron. Do the, you wanted to talk this is what I need to talk about, if you wont answer my questions I will leave. Give him 1 warning then stand up and Leave.
Have the meeting somewhere safe and nuetral ie Somewhere you can leave from when you want to go.
Then I am afraid you are going to have to take some time, feel this pain and work out what YOU want to do!
When I finally found the strenght to leave my abusive partner (years ago now) I was a shadow, I didn´t know myself anymore. I was the last person in the world anyone would have expected to stay with a man like that, I was as hard a nails at work but at home...... The black eyes, broken ribs, stiches, broken bones healed a lot faster than the emotional control and hurt, I had to find someway to keep my head working, as my heart still loved the bastard, my heart still said it was my fault, if I had been better, different, more understanding, less controlling, shall I go on. I needed something to drown out my internal dialoug(sp) with the truth. I found this....... Played at full volume, sung untill I was horse, hummed to myself at work. Anything to replace my thoughts of blame and guilt with the truth. It got me through thoses dart nights looking at a mobile phone and praying for it to ring or bleep.
Good Luck Sweetie and remember he choose to do this, he choose to hurt you, he choose to be a cowardly sh*t.