please please help

[LouP19]

I have come home and my husband has moved out all of his belongings. Everything, even the garage is clear. He dropped me off after work and said he had to go and play cricket and needed some time on his own. I was distraught and said we needed to talk. Things haven't been right for a few weeks, he has denied somebody else.

All of his belongings are gone. I am shaking. No one knows where he has gone. Married 5 years, no kids. Please please help.

Similar episodes? What do you mean?

I don't think there's another woman here. Wouldn't surprise me if there was, but I don't think so and I don't think people should jump to conclusions (yeah yeah we know the script and blah blah blah but come on)

Talk to him OP. None of this cut him out crap, not this early. Find out why he did something so extreme if he wants to stay with you. Good luck x

Missed the similar episode bit. How similar?

I changed the locks - rang my best friend's father (Sergeant in the police) to double check and he said 'absolutely, do it, he could come back at any time and you can't predict what mood he will be in'. At this point all my ex's belongings were still in the house too. My solicitor wrote to him saying he needed to give me notice if he wished to re-enter the property (jointly owned with a joint mortgage) to enable me to ensure that I had someone with me whilst he was there.

My divorce ended up in court and the matter of changing the locks was never even mentioned despite the fact that he had a very aggressive solicitor. You are entitled to protect yourself in your own home - I really can't see aproblem and there certainly wasn't one for me when I did it.

Stay strong and really try to resist having contact with him. Your solicitor will be able to make any necessary contact with him on your behalf and anything other than 'necessary' contact will just give him the opportunity to play even more games with your head.

What an absolute twat sending you a text like that when he knows you must be going through hell!!!

You do need to determine whether it's a OW or breakdown before you talk to him, because if it's an OW I absolutely would not bother.

He moved everything out less than 24 hours ago, that is not the action of someone who just needs to work through some problems.

Woah. Ok. With my cynical cow hat on never comes off I think this is the bit that's important buried in the middle.

I need to know that you love me and need me and that you will listen to my concerns before we go on.

Yes, he does "need" to know these things, because he thought you would be all over him at this point. This isn't going according to his plan at all, is it.

I actually don't think the breakdown thing is at all unlikely. The chutney was the point where this tipped over into the surreal. I just also think a mental breakdown is not mutually exclusive with being a cheating, manipulating bastard.

that is just weird. If he really wants to stay with you, why did he move all his stuff out. What differences do you have? Why is he hurting? and why is he putting the onus on you to let him know if you want to sort things out?

He needs to explain his actions, why he has done this, why he didnt talk to you before moving everything out of the house?

what similar episodes have happened before?

sorry for all the questions!

this is why I suggested gathering evidence. I spent time begging my H to come back and try again, and tried to make myself the perfect wife that he wanted, when If I had known about OW at that time, I wouldnt have lowered myself quite so much.... you dont want to be thinking you can work things out, if his heart isnt truly in it. Ive been through that and it was awful...

and yes, avoid his family. I rang my MIL to be told, these things happen, its up to him really. (no concern at all that he left me and his 4yo DD for no reason!)

Whatever his reasons for moving out so wholesale, let him bloody well stew for a bit. Don't say 'how high?' when he says 'jump'.... take your time.

Similar episodes as he can go a bit mental, shut down, disappear in his car for hours. Doesn't talk, ends up blowing up after about 3 months, big arguments, 'I can't take this any more'. Threats to leave me, then all over me. Last year he said he didn't want children any more, said I had time to meet someone else. Two months later he apologised and said he was having a crisis, loved me more than ever. Really, I just want a quiet life. I love him when he's great, the emotional times are a nightmare.

I've said to him several times that he could benefit from some ADs or similar, I think may be he's bi polar even. He denies it. He's a big one for shutting off or doing some drastic to get attention (storms about, shouting). This has decreased over the years as I've reacted to it less and less, but this is the biggie. Some crisis is going on - other woman, breakdown, job. I don't know.

I have this fear that he's with a female confidant who he'll want to stay with for a while while 'we' decide on whether our relationship is worth it and then he'll end up running away anyway. Is it another screen?

Maybe cynical head, he's realised what he's done is pretty final.....so he's keeping options open.

As let's go through this, his behaviour was calculating last week, the flowers, the parents visit, the asking for cash the day before, booking a day of work, finding a "friend" who as room so store ALL of his stuff from a whole garage and house. This was pre meditated, it was calculated. Not someone on a whim who's just thought fuck it, I can't do it anymore. He was behold cruel. Tbh I wouldn't engage with him, unless it was via a solicitor.

On the off chance he is having some breakdown, I think after what he did to you. You'd be wise to keep your distance.

YY, Bus, to everything there.

LouP19 So sorry you are going through this, I was in a very very similar position a few years ago in that my husband disappeared just like that, I had not a penny to my name and bailiffs at the door constantly for him. He didn't want anything including photos of his own child. I think all he took was a towel. After he left I found out things about him which I wouldn't want to know about anyone. To this day I've not had an explanation. It is shit, the way you are feeling physically and mentally I can well imagine, I am pleased for you that your mum is there.
I changed the locks even though it was his house, he phoned the police saying I would not let him in his own house, they were not interested. Obviously I am not advising you just telling you what I did. You'll be ok, maybe not soon but you will xx

If this is just a big version of something he does fairly regularly.... and it screams 'emotional blackmail' to me rather than 'bi-polar'.... then I think now is an excellent time to take a few months to work out if you want to live on eggshells for the rest of your life waiting for the next time he pulls a stunt, and/or if you want to bring children into such a volatile situation.

Ok, you are right to call this a headfuck.

'I really really want to stay with you and I love you more than you will ever know' -WTAF? If he rally really wants to stay with you, then why the hell did he pack every last chutney and head for the hills?

'I never ever mean to deliberately hurt you' - Really? His actions seem pretty deliberate to me: hiring a van, packing chutneys etc.

'I feel absolutely awful at the moment' - GOOD!

'I love you' - Again, Really? How so? If this is what love involves, then you are definitely best off out of it.

to your wonderful supportive mum and to you OP.

One possibility is he is trying to secure his back-up plan in case it all goes wrong.

Just read your latest post - mine did the whole 'having a breakdown' act too. Was the only way he and his parents could actually justify his behaviour. To be perfectly honest with you, even if he IS having a breakdown, you don't want to saddle yourself with a man you will never be able to depend upon again.

Anybody who SERIOUSLY wants to talk suggests seeing a marriage counsellor a long time before they dump on someone in the way that he has dumped on you. You deserve much better than this - you do not have to spend the rest of your life living in the fear of this happening again - ESPECIALLY if you're hoping to have children too.

My ex has gone on to 'throw tantrums' over anything that hasn't gone his way - job, girlfriends, the lot. His parents still give it the label 'mental illness' but basically he's just a spoilt brat who can't man-up and deal with the responsibilities of being an adult.

Seeing any similarities there?!

(And if he is mentally unstable, all the more reason to protect yourself by changing the locks...)

I'm actually shocked by this thread and I thought I was unshockable with relationship issues.
Big hugs to you OP.

WRT changing the locks, at one point during my divorce I wanted to get something from the house, I'd moved out H was still living there. He said he would change the locks if I ever entered the house again. I asked my solicitor about this - mortgage and deeds were in joint names - and my solicitor said 'well legally he can't change the locks in order to deny you access, but in practice, if he did, there's not a lot we can do about it'.
Just sharing this with you - please do take your own legal advice but that's what I was told.

He cleared out the food cupboards!!! That's a step beyond "needing time to clear his head and think."

I've got to say that WHATEVER his reasons or combination of reasons, this is just unforgivable. The man deliberately misled you and manipulated your emotions. There's no way round that. He knew he was leaving you; knew he was leaving in the lurch, and played with that fact. Now he is still trying to manipulate you through your feelings. I think you should cease all contact of any sort, you're too vulnerable to his games at the moment. You clearly will not be able to change him or his mind.

As a side note, If I thought I was setting up a lovely new life with a new man and he moved in lock stock and barrel like that, I'd be wondering what I'd got myself into! He's not so much started a new life as transferred his old one.

I just hope you won't fall for his tricks so he also transfers you into whatever strange fantasy he's got going. Stay strong and keep gathering support, Lou.
Your mum sounds great!

Head FUck is right.

Ok, I would go with IGNOR, IGNOR, IGNOR.

He had his time to think things through, now you need your time.

I would go with direct and via email only.

Would you please supply an address where I can forward your mail, I will be speaking to my solictor. I need time to think everything through and I will contact you when I have done so.

Regards

Loup19

Then TURN the computer off, hand the mobile to next door neighbrough / good friend, up plug the phone / switch the ringer off. and try and get some sleep.

If you can´t sleep then just go a lay down and rest - try and close your eyes.

I found white noise in the background really helped me, so telly on low, radio anything if necessary two things on like telly and a cd then just try and get some rest.

YOu are going to be fine, but now is the time for boundaries to protect you. IF he is suffering some sort of break then his family can point him the direction of suitable help. Right now you are the important person and your health both physical and metal need to be your prorities.

You must be really torn about replying - if I were in your shoes I'm sure I'd be absolutely desperate for answers to the WHY of it all, but trying to look at it from a step back, I don't know that you stand to gain anything from engaging with him now when he is in this self-pitying needy panic. He wants to talk to you so you can reassure him that everything will be ok - that's not ok. To protect yourself, you can only interpret his actions at the moment, not his words.

Having said that, and being as charitable as possible, the moving out in one fell swoop could be interpreted as a grandiose gesture of him thinking "she will be better off without me, I am making it easier on her by getting it all over with" - but even if there were good intentions behind it somewhere he was and is wrong, and if he is in no position to understand your position and how he has hurt you, he is not ready to talk to you.

Ugh, I've just read it again and this line is sending shivers down my spine:

I know you must be hurting as I am

Ie because I horrendously hurt you.

Basically this is the kind of email that someone who had been left should send, not someone who had very comprehensively and coldly done the leaving. That's not right, is it.

"I need some time to think everything through" would imply to me that there's a chance you're considering taking him back. Which you may be. But I wouldn't. Not in a million years. He's clearly very unstable, and frankly you'll be better off without him in the long term.

Another thought OP, he's obviously already getting jittery that you are ignoring him.