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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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please please help

1000 replies

LouP19 · 01/08/2012 20:12

I have come home and my husband has moved out all of his belongings. Everything, even the garage is clear. He dropped me off after work and said he had to go and play cricket and needed some time on his own. I was distraught and said we needed to talk. Things haven't been right for a few weeks, he has denied somebody else.

All of his belongings are gone. I am shaking. No one knows where he has gone. Married 5 years, no kids. Please please help.

OP posts:
ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 05/08/2012 16:10

Loved your last post OP, you sound like a strong and determined woman who knows her own mind! Fantastic.

Your husband is so transparent, it's pathetic.

Love that you bought your cats expensive chicken. You know why I loved it? Because it shows you are not a woman who has been beaten down, you are not going to let this total mess of a man drag you down, you are getting expensive chicken for your cats, who I know you love, and that shows that your life force is carrying on, that you are still you, the woman who loves her cats and buys them expensive goddamn chicken if she feels like it!

Hair-dos, friends and family around you, lovely well-wishers and encouragers on MN, chicken for the cats, hell why not smoked salmon? And hell, who needs a ridiculous loser like your STBXH around?

Not you, that's for sure.

Massive CONGRATULATIONS on your decision to divorce him!

I mean chutney, marmalade FFS, more than life itself - WTAF?

Wine Wine

Smile
clam · 05/08/2012 16:25

"I love her more than life itself. Oh, apart from OW. And myself. Oh, and that chutney I keep in the cupboard. Apart from all that, I love her. And the cats, of course."

Yay to getting custody of the cats! Grin

HeleninaGoldChariot · 05/08/2012 16:45

Lou, you just continue to amaze. What is really clear from all your posts is your strength of character and you sound like a lovely woman. Right behind you, all of us are.

skyebluesapphire · 05/08/2012 17:09

You are very strong Lou. Get some good legal advice.

I had no actual proof of adultery so filed for Unreasonable Behaviour. I certainly think you have grounds for that!

Do what you need to do for yourself from now on. I filed for divorce immediately to protect myself financially, even though it's the last thing in the world that I actually wanted to do at that time....

PissesGlitter · 05/08/2012 17:16

OMFG he is a prize fucking twat

Divorce him for adultery and take him for EVERYTHING

Spineless fucking cuntweasel!!

Figgygal · 05/08/2012 17:40

That's right OP fuck him!!

YvyB · 05/08/2012 17:43

Hello again, Lou. Glad my suitcase/haemorrhoid 'experience' made you smile for a bit. Just re-read one of your posts and it made me think...

Like you, I have a degree and a postgrad (from one of the Russell group unis) and, like you, I was willing to prioritise home and family life over my own career. I never got to experience this option as Bastard 1 walked out when I was 5 months pregnant so I suddenly found myself having to go back to work full time when ds was only 16 wks old in order to keep a roof over our heads.

Whilst this wasn't ideal at the time, eight years on I have no regrets. The early years were exhausting (and, at times, soul-destroying) whilst the cost of full time nursery nearly crippled me BUT it enabled me to maintain a nice home for the two of us, ensured I kept my pension going and gave me a feeling of self-worth and pride that was totally separate to how being with Bastard 1 and then Bastard 2 made me feel.

I now have a dh who respects what I do and how hard I work and values my intellectual capabilities. I have the security of knowing that whatever might happen, I can provide for myself and ds and - most importantly of all -my dh knows that I don't need him in any practical or financial way whatsoever. I am with him because I choose to be and that also means I can choose NOT to be should he mess me around like I have been in the past.

Don't feel daunted by the idea of forging a career for yourself. You are clearly intelligent and articulate and I suspect that you might really enjoy the excitement of being a valued and respected team member in an environment that allows you to use and develop your skills. I suspect chutney-man knew this only too well and was feeling rather threatened by your obvious intelligence and potential when he decided to show his sodding collection of preserves to an audience that was clearly far easier to impress.

This is your chance to make a life for YOU that is entirely of your choosing - let the dust settle, give yourself chance to get over the shock and then get out there and prove to yourself just how valuable you are!

UnlikelyAmazonian · 05/08/2012 17:49

Lou, this is what my exH wrote to me after fucking off to Thailand with all our savings, leaving me ten grand in debt and with a small baby, no job and totally traumatised: he deigned to send it in response to a timorous email from me a couple of months after he disappeared, asking how he was doing (I had found him randomly via a hit on the internet.)

A year later I read all his emails and found that at the time he wrote this he was actually shagging a young Cambodian girl and had been for a month, before returning to Bangkok to secure his job as a 'Lecturer' at a good Thai University. He is still there as far as I know. He failed to say on his CV that he had been struck off the teaching register in this country for gross misconduct.

I thought it might amuse you, as all of the same shite your chutneylover writes is in this too.

It has taken some time to dig this email out....but it is worth a read. It makes me laugh my head off now. What a prize twat. You will laugh too one day.

Can i just say, you are a bloody amazing, strong, Olympic Champion in the Survival Final. You have the golden arms of love around you (family). You will come through this...then we can meet for coffee and wine and laugh ourselves hoarse. Oh and punch the air that we are free. Grin

Here we go:

"UA, I would have been in touch sooner except that I contracted dengue fever and have been flat on my back for almost three weeks. It's not life-threatening, just pretty horrible and debilitating, and as it's two and a half hours by bus to the nearest net cafe, I simply could not get word out. added to which there's no mobile coverage here.

I'm not 'back in Bangkok'. I spent only a matter of hours there. I see you make
no comment on what I wrote to you. No reaction at all? I wonder - as there is
no greeting on any of your emails, perhaps I'm not receiving the whole text. As you can see below, they all seem to start off halfway through.

Also, you need to let me know the email address and tag line of your solicitor.
So I can sort out what is spam and what is not.

I'm sorry you make no response, really. I'd hoped there might be some dialogue.

I don't know what's happening to all my stuff. I've asked my brother to go down and get it. Perhaps you could put it in the garage?

I love you UA. I know you lost your love for me ages ago probably, but I've
never felt any other way about you. I can't describe how it feels not to have
you and Ds. It's the worst thing in the world. Please try not to be cold.
Tell me how he is. I miss you and my son so much.

**

He liked making sloe gin and chutneys. Oh, and has achieved his dream in becoming a 'lecturer'...only in his case, sadly for all the young Thai girls he will have had sex with, he is actually a 'lecherer' under cover as an academic.

Stay strong Lou. Stay bloody. Be relieved your H has his new victim and you can get on with the rest of your life marmaladeless

Saffysmum · 05/08/2012 17:58

Forget Team GB, we've got Team Twunt on this thread! I thought my Twunt would win Gold every time for shit behaviour, but UA, yours really is a piece of work.

What is it with chutney? I shall never look at a jar of Branston in the same way again.

Shall we start calling them all Twuntneys?

futureunknown · 05/08/2012 18:01

I have just read the whole thread and am so sorry OP. I second taking him for every penny you can. He is a spineless, cheating, chutney stealing scum bag.

ForeverAutumnNow · 05/08/2012 18:09

What a clown!

"I love Lou more than life, and just to prove it Im going to remove all my possessions - including that manky old jar of pickled onions - when shes at work, and move in with the blonde trollop with no shoes and a pink frock - whos hair seems to be falling out - that Ive been shagging for months. Im so sorry, but I cant help myself, it`s a "meeting of minds" you know"................Deluded, arrogant dipstick.

Leverette · 05/08/2012 18:12

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cuillereasoupe · 05/08/2012 18:23

Unlikelyamazon, your ex sounds very much like my own - an academic who was still telling me he loved me despite forgetting to mention he'd married the OW (a Chinese student of his). Fucking loon. Lou, cut him off ASAP to stop the headfuckery dead in its tracks.

I'm now with a rock drummer musician and life is much better!

blackcurrants · 05/08/2012 18:23

I've just read the whole thread with my jaw hanging open - firstly at what an inexcusable horrendous piece of filth the Chutney Smuggler is, and then with growing astonishment and admiration for how well you're coping, Lou with something that would completely bowl me over and leave me feeling like a limp dishrag!

Get yourself an shit-hot, aggressive, cool, deliberate solicitor, and make sure you divorce him with surgical precision. You will go on to have a good life, because you're a good person. Eventually I suspect you'll look back and be glad you escaped when you did.
Good luck and very best wishes! You rock!

Xales · 05/08/2012 18:25

Good grief Lou, UA and cuill can you compare notes and check you haven't all been with the same twat?!?!?!

On a little hijack UA you are sounding amazing now!

Phacelia · 05/08/2012 19:06

Big, big hugs Lou. Just take it a day at a time, let yourself have a good cry each day, (get it all out your system however crap it feels) and go for lots of walks so you can get some fresh air and exercise. I find comedy on youtube good for emtional moments, just short clips so I don't have to concentrate on anything but can have a good laugh and some distraction. Armstrong and Miller are my favourite. Boy, you need a laugh through all this.

You know, I remembered (not that all academics are twunts!), that there was a professor at my uni and he was already onto his second wife (whom he'd had an affair with when he was married first time round). Anyway, she turned up at the departmental office one day early in a new term, and asked the staff where her husband was, and they had to tell her that not only had he left the university some weeks before but he was now working at another university and living with an ex-Phd student (in her twenties, he was in his late fifties) and that she was pregant. She had NO idea. There does seem to be something about this job which encourages those with huge egos to start believing they are gods.

LouP19 · 05/08/2012 19:40

Hello, back. UA, reading your ex's email made me feel not so quite alone,.... what IS it with these people?!! Totally totally deluded. You sound amazing too, I am taking inspiration from all of you. Any shared experiences are very very useful.

Veering between anger, tears, anger, tears,...... Just had small bowl of cornflakes. Already feel trousers very baggy, but looking forward to losing a bit of weight (if that sounds weird!!).

It totally breaks my heart to say the 'D' word, but honestly there is no way back from this. I recognise I will only be delaying further heartbreak. Affair, may be, but what he has done, and the spineless manipulation afterwards, has actually done me a favour. I know I'm going to mourn what we had, I know, and I know that bit is going to be really really fucking hard. But the reality is when he was nice he was very very nice, but when he was horrible he was atrocious.

Recalled to my friend this afternoon (brilliant, lovely, stayed for 3 hours) that in Autumn of last year we had an argument in the car that got heated. Too heated, both our faults. But he pulled over in a layby in the middle of the Peak District and pushed me out of the car. And left me in the middle of no where. Ok, he turned up 10 minutes later and put his arm around me and said he was 'so so sorry', but you know what? I spent most of our relationship living in fear of these reactions from him. And I'm so relieved I can finally say this. Because I didn't tell anyone this type of stuff. I protected him, I wanted to believe it was a one off. Because he was SO nice to the outside world. And if only I didn't set off his triggers, etc etc. It didn't happen often, may be twice a year, but he had a habit of flipping completely and it terrified me. (No physical abuse as such, but lots of incidents like this). So how he moved out on Wednesday is actually not atypical of his behaviour at all and I have realised that fairly quickly. It was always about drama with him.

He has replied re: the address.

'Sorry for delayed reply, I could not find phone earlier. I do not know why you need a contact address but if it makes you feel better than it is XXXX. You have not said anything about D and G (cats) and I asked about them at least 3 times. Would have appreciated an acknowledgement yesterday too. I am staying with folks til Monday evening. i hope you have had a good day. I am really sorry again to have caused you any pain. I love you xxx'

It is so hard typing these without inserting multiple comments/expletives and the like.

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 05/08/2012 19:47

I would really, if it were me text back and say. "I need the contact address for my solicitor". Then I'd switch my phone off.

I'd find it reall hard not to.

Leverette · 05/08/2012 19:47

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MavisGrind · 05/08/2012 19:48

Another one here freed from a life with a self-absorbed academic! I got a very long rambly email about being the most important woman in his life and other such shit about how terribly hard it was for him to walk out on a 7 wk old and a 2yr old.

Needless to say relationship with PhD student started around the same time.

What is it with these academic types...? According to XH, I simply can't understand his job and just how important it is.. Hmm Twat.

YvyB · 05/08/2012 19:49

Oh go on, type it out again and insert every comment and expletive you like. You know that if you don't do it, one of us will only do it for you! ;)

MavisGrind · 05/08/2012 19:54

X-Posts, Lou, my experience was that after we split I began to recall incidents where actually his behaviour was pretty bad. I had been deluding myself for years.

He used to complain that I was always living in the future but it was only later that I realised that I was actually trying to think ahead to when his career circumstances would make him a good husband. Turned out never.

Weightloss is a happy side affect of this sort of thing. Start planning the new-you wardrobe ! Grin

Plomino · 05/08/2012 19:55

Would have appreciated an acknowledgement ? Well I bet you would have appreciated him not fucking off with no warning , but he couldn't manage even that . You owe him NOTHING . Nothing at all .

You have done fantastically well and I am completely in awe at how perceptive you have become . And how quickly . Any wobbles are minor and to be totally expected . Rarely do I post , but I feel compelled to congratulate you xx

IvanaNap · 05/08/2012 19:56

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This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

LouP19 · 05/08/2012 19:57

Sorry for delayed reply, I have a habit of losing my phone, especially when trying to conceal it from OW. I'm worried, why do you want a contact address? It makes ME feel better not giving it you. But just to maintain the facade, here goes. Why are you not responding to my utterly false claims about being concerned about the cats? I have walked out on you, cheated, lied, shafted your complete life, taken a significant chunk of your fertile years, but I AM worried about the cats. Why did you not text yesterday, that is very naughty of you. I am staying at my parents because I need to get my story in quickly about what a naughty, crappy wife you are. I know you have had another shocking day, when are you going to realise this is because you cannot live your life without me? I am not sorry but am pretending I am. I love ME xxx

God, that was so easy.

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