please please help

[LouP19]

I have come home and my husband has moved out all of his belongings. Everything, even the garage is clear. He dropped me off after work and said he had to go and play cricket and needed some time on his own. I was distraught and said we needed to talk. Things haven't been right for a few weeks, he has denied somebody else.

All of his belongings are gone. I am shaking. No one knows where he has gone. Married 5 years, no kids. Please please help.

It's very difficult not to feel some kind of bitterness towards OW. Mine used to text me. She even Texted me detailing first time they "made love", then offered to have my DC anytime....to give me break, she is deranged though, so different circumstances.

Same here VVVVVworried I got all the gory details and in all honesty her words still rage around in my head sometimes, this was 3 years ago.

IMO, the only time the OW is not responsible is if she genuinely did not know he was married, however, on discovery, they should walk.

Don't reply to any more texts if you can. When you reply it gives him control back and that's what this man seems to thrive on.

If he needs to get hold of you re House and Finances he can contact your mother. I think i would be inclined to send him that message. Nothing else.

I would just hate for him to think that everything is ticking along and you are there to respond when he feels like it.

Take care and good luck at your solicitor's.

Ah, i wonder if that's why he wants to know who you've told, because of the work situation and that there's a chance OW will hear some things she's been kept in the dark about? hmmmm. Anyway, thats by-the-by.

I'm sorry you are going through this, the pain is awful, as someone upthread said, almost physical. I found various coping strategies to help get me through the first few months of my break-up with bastard cheat a few years ago. Talking and crying it out with my family, the safety net they offered was amazing. DVD box sets - for when i was on my own, didn't have to think too much and could drown out my own thoughts. I think i got through all the CSI's, buffy, Angel etc. anything, not normally my thing but it helped. Distractions i suppose. Doing the practical things, sorting out finances etc with a view to new life ahead, and finally focusing on myself, I got a new job, threw myself into it, got promoted, then promoted again and i found i had a bit of a career. It wasn't what i had in mind but it all helped to rebuild my confidence and self esteem.

I was 35 when this happened and felt very worried about the future, i didn't have a decent job, no children (thank god with hindsight) had student debts and felt completely worthless. I couldn't see what kind of future was left for me....that was 5 years ago and a lot can happen in a few years, i have met and married someone wonderful i have a 2 year old and another one on the way and my life is way better than it ever would have been with my XDP.

sorry for the ramble, I suppose what i am saying is that it will get better, life will go on and you will be happy again. this bit just sucks and its awful that you have to go through it, but you will come out the other side. Take one day at a time and be kind to yourself.

xxxxxx

The OW is responsible for having a relationship with a married man and therefore colluding in his lies to his wife. Of course people in her position are often selfish enough to think that as long as he isn't lying to her it's okay to lie to another woman, but really you could say 'stupid enough' too. At least she knew he was a liar; Lou didn't.

No it doesn't. It's absolutely normal to feel anger towards two people. Anger with the OW doesn't have to dilute the anger and blame towards the husband.

ITWentthatway Same here, unfortunately. It hurts less now, it is still there though and I am unsure if I will ever find the capacity/energy/trust to ever love again.

This is why I say turn that phone off! Block him, change sim cards anything just NO CONTACT. No contact heals you. I even blocked facebook pages (which are really "a show" of what you want people to think/see, I don't want to know/hear anything anymore.

I suspect he knows about a link to the OW that you're currently unaware of. Probably through work. That's why he "needs to know who you've told."
If she is a student, then he's going to want to cover his tracks.

Mwa-ha-ha-ha. You're in control, girlie. You've got him by the short and curlies, if you so desire.

He's such an idiot.....he now thinks because he's pulled you back in. He shall cut contact to teach you a lesson and keep you dangling. Kudos to you for seeing right though it.

Now you have and you go back to how you were.....he shall be all over you again. You've got the power here amd thankfully you know it.

bertiebassett.. you might be right about academe inflating any dormant narcissism..

On the other hand, the intelligent narcissist/sociopath type tends to be successful in any field they choose, because:

1. they are so charismatic, that people tend to be instantly impressed with them, and
2. they expend no energy at all with concerns about what others think, or how comfortable or happy anyone else is.

The worst of them aren't even concerned about whether their thoughts and actions are morally right. So they have plenty of mental energy left to focus on whatever endeavour or thrill they choose.

It's so damaging to encounter people like that. They shock us to the core at the hollowing emptiness that is within them. :(

Lou, try not to think about OW. She is seeing Mr Charisma, I should think. We just clicked. He seems to understand me so well. It's completely fake. She has no idea of what's coming (and it will).

On a lighter note?..The recurring preserve metaphor, that is just ..strange? and the thought of the dog eyeing your biscuit, Lou, made me smile so much.

Hello, just got home, am shaking with adrenelin. My Mum showed me the text he sent in the week 'Lou deserves better than me, I love her more than life itself'.....

Right, I AM DIVORCING HIM. And I'm going to take advice on doing it the best way possible FOR ME. But he is out of my life. No address yet, means he's with another woman. The texts are placatory bullshit so he can tell the world he's a nice guy.

Even remember finding a long blonde hair in his car in November now,.... and a receipt with big girlie bubble writing on it (not mine). And he came out with some bullshit, which I believed then.

I don't think I'm a plan B at all, I think he's trying to make himself like the nice guy he really thinks he is. And he's texting me this SHITE when he's with her. She can have the fucking bastard.

Friend coming over now, I'll check back in later. But I'm telling everyone not to persuade me otherwise from this decision.

You are ALL amazing. I've stopped to buy the cats some expensive chicken.

Without any proof otherwise, if she doesn't know about you the OW may be a complete innocent.

It is a waste of energy to focus on her.

'He' on the other hand is without doubt the guilty party and derserves anything you choose to thro his way. I agree with clam that he wants to know who and what you've told to people he can firefight that to maintain his 'charming' image (and save his arse from any potential flak from the institution).

Have you asked on the legal boards for recommendations for a strong legal advocate in your area, if you don't have a solictor chosen already, I realise it may seem like it's moving to fast but sometimes hearing your options and time frames can help to get things straight in your mind.

If you do book an appointment (don't always go for the first one you meet), try to spend some time jotting down questions so you don't waste time then kick yourself later for forgetting something important.

Kep on keeping on.. You might not believe it at the momment but you really are doing fantastically and you have many many many MN's cheering you on!

X-posted Behind you all the way!

Ha! Lucky old cats, at least somebody's coming up better off in all of this

I love your post just now, Lou! Anger - no, fury - is utterly appropriate and is what you need powering you through the next bit. Good for you. Good idea to advice everyone of your stance, too. Hope your friend's making you feel loved :)

The OW is utterly irrelevant, a nonentity in the wife's narrative. She's part of the symptoms, that's all.

Agree 100% with this. She's been duped. If she even knew he was still married, she's had the whole I made a sad mistake, if only I'd met you first, our love is stronger than the tide (or, in his case, lime chutney) etc ... She'll be going through this later. That'll be her story then, not Lou's.

Good for you!

I think that you are doing absolutely the right thing. Put yourself first - YOUR needs, and what is best for YOU. Look after number one. He doesn't deserve any more than complete contempt from you.

Make all communication via your lawyer only. Send it all to his workplace, which might put the shits up him if OW really is a student. Change the locks if you haven't already and never contact him again. Ever.

Concentrate on yourself. Anger is good, but it needs to be directed at making sure that you come out of this as best as you possibly can. You need to be icy cold as far as he is concerned. It is over, so the fewer emotions you waste on this chutney-stealing-asshole, the better.

xxx

Great to hear you're turning that anger into a positive driving-force, Lou. Stick with it, and let twuntman stick it! :)

The texts have all been absolute drivel, Lou, though he probably thinks they're convincing.

It's as if he has no idea what to say in these situations, so he's trying to find something which he thinks looks plausible, but is actually completely bizarre to those who understand love and feelings.

The nearest equivalent I can think of is if I went to conference on astrophysics, and was trying to bluff my way through by picking a few choice phrases out of a textbook. Wouldn't fool anyone.

Anger is a good sign Lou. I hope the DCats enjoy the chicken. & would be on my menu....

Chutneyman's in a right pickle!

Like my twunt, and a lot of twunts before him, he wants everyone to think the best of him, stupid deluded fool. So he's telling your parents what he thinks they want to hear; that he's not good enough for you, and you deserve so much better. So he's trying to make out that nobody could ever be good enough for you - thus absolving him of all blame.

Bless his little chutney coloured cotton socks.

Twunt

Hope the cats enjoy the chicken, and that you manage to have a nice meal later too.

Proud of you! x

He is right. You deserve someone who thinks you are amazing and doesn't go and shag anything else. Don't settle for less when you are ready in the future.

He probably does love you in his own weird twisted way. Just not as much as he loves himself and his dick.

Use the anger constructively to get everything you need in place. Look into all your options.

Let everyone know. Hold your head hight. You have done nothing to be ashamed of.

Lou, something I was told by my counsellor may help you. She said, 'YOU didn't fail, the MARRIAGE failed. It is rare for a marriage breakdown to be exclusively one spouses fault, except in cases of extreme violence and cruelty.'

Don't believe that it is all down to you that he has done what he has.

You can also justify keeping the cats with you, as you have no idea where he lives atm, it may not be allowed to keep pets there, and he goes away a lot with work whereas you are in the home they know, can provide continuity of care and have helpful family, friends and neighbours when necessary to care for them.

I think you'll be surprised how much support you'll get at work, and how much gossip they will pick up for you.

Hey Lou

Good for you. Tell anyone you need to at work. Particularly your boss and collegues.

Keep your head up! xxx

Go Lou!!! LOVE your last post. You are a fantastic woman. I so wish I were closer - I'd love to go out for a drink with you!

This test is going to have to ground dug out from under him & deservedly so. I can't remember who said it but once you're divorce is done & dusted & he's been thoroughly (and rightly) trounced,you should totally totally get in touch with his superiors & drop him in it if ow does turn out to be one of his students. Also like the idea of having one of your rellies do a bit of surveillance,once he gives up his address...

OW must be horrified at what she has allowed into her house. Assuming that's what's happened.

Lou,you're amazing. Stay furious.x

Test = twat. Must proof read!

Dearest Lou

Had to check back to your account of when you met him in the pub, and, yes, I was right, the sod did (albeit reluctantly) admit that he was still seeing the OW. And texting to your Mom 'I love her more than life itself'??? Christ, I have come across some barmy buggers in my life, but this one is worse than my exH. And that's saying summat.

I hope the puddies have enjoyed their chicken and are burping gently in their bed/basket and having chicken-flavoured dreams of mice who are slow off the mark. And that your time with your friend is enjoyable and comforting.

Yet more and (one for your friend).