please please help

[LouP19]

I have come home and my husband has moved out all of his belongings. Everything, even the garage is clear. He dropped me off after work and said he had to go and play cricket and needed some time on his own. I was distraught and said we needed to talk. Things haven't been right for a few weeks, he has denied somebody else.

All of his belongings are gone. I am shaking. No one knows where he has gone. Married 5 years, no kids. Please please help.

Get out of the house with the dog, across the fields. Let the wind blow thro. Life sometimes brings massive changes like this and it is all we can do to hold onto the world as it spins. xxxx Thinking of you.

I feel like crying for you. Lots of us have been where you are and it truly is one of the worse feelings ever. I wish there was something I could do/say for you. All I can say is it honestly won't feel that bad forever x

I don't know if this makes things better or worse but there is a very high adultery / divorce rate amongst male academics, the theory being that they are constantly surrounded by young, nubile women who look up to them while us wifeys are at home getting older and cleaning their skidmarks off the loo and seeing that they are as fallible as everyone else... That and the fact that some of them are twunts.

Remember reading that gem not long before I married my DH (an academic). Thankfully he isn't a twunt.

In fact your 'D'H isn't a twunt wither. He needs a whole new vocabulary

Hang in there Lou x

All little things that you previously dismissed are now adding up and making you realise you were on the ball. I bet if you think carefully you will be able to work out roughly when he met OW, when they started flirting/getting close and then when they crossed the line into a full on affair.

Apart of it will be he did X, Y then Z it is so obvious what he was doing at the time how can I have been so stupid to overlook it.

He would have been so careful at the start. Finding these little faults in you, giving you the little digs. Because of these you would have been thinking the increasing distance was your fault because all these little things about you were wrong and added up. It would never had crossed your mind that he was the one causing the distance by the way he treated and had little digs at you.

Because you loved him and would not have looked twice at another man it would never have crossed your mind that he was setting you up for this so that he could excuse himself for what he was doing.

It is very early days. You will roller coaster for a long time yet. Eventually the highs and the lows will even out until one day you don't cry.

For some reason the gift of marmalade put the cherry on the cake for me!!
Fruits in jars: the perfect representation of human emotions, to him. Weirdo.

Lou, you can't "let us down". You don't owe us anything. This is no more or less than a small army of women offering support and advice, which is the least you deserve. No competition or prizes, just one of many props to lean on, as and when you want it :)

Your neighbour was right. Living in ChutneyBollocks's shadow for so long has left you feeling nervous of disapproval. For this reason, I think she's also right about your rockery (though fairly stunned she can do it for £25 - how soon can she get round here??!) Cats love rockeries. The more moves you make towards reclaiming YOUR space, YOUR life and your independence, the better you will feel.

Practise saying YES and NO! As a grown-up, you never need an excuse or justification for your choices. It may be polite to give them, out of consideration for the others' feelings, but it's never necessary and perhaps you need a reminder of that now. You may go through the whole of the rest of your life without anyone's approval, if you choose. (Hope this makes some sense; if not yet, maybe come back to it later.)

Alongside many others here, I also wish I'd had Mumsnet when such things happened to me. It is SO hard to reconcile the facts - you have been in love with a crazed automaton - with the relationship you thought you had and the person you believed him to be. Most of us aren't built to comprehend limited minds like theirs; we keep trying to elicit a "sane, rational, human" emotional response and that's what keeps us under the thumb. Advice here is intended to help you escape sooner - and giving up the attempts to get a 'normal' response is the first, essential step. Don't bother with contact because, for him, communications are a zero-sum game and you can do better than to live like that.

Lean on 'real' people - your family, friends, acquaintances - and take small steps to re-immerse yourself the range of 'real' human emotions, including laughter and excitement. Get a tough solicitor; no conciliatory approaches will work here. And change the locks.

Sorry this is a bit long & intense You are doing so well. Keep allowing yourself to feel your feelings. xx

Can just picture the scene with the doggie and the biscuit! Much as we love them though, most dogs are a bit dim, so the fact that the dog liked your H is nothing to worry about.

I agree that a good walk with the dog might be an idea. Once you are outside, you can stomp and stomp and march about....and the exercise might help you sleep ok tonight too.

Hope you've had something to eat.

Did he reply to that text you sent him?

Dearest Lou

You haven't let anyone down. At the very least you may have literally kept the wolf from your door by replying. Would be interesting to find out his address - would be worth a few bob on the internet to find out who lives there, and maybe a bit of amateur-but-discreet detective work by rellies to see if OW is who you think she is.

You have the chance to rid yourself of this fool completely once the legal formalities are done. In my case I just wanted to be rid of my exH and never have to clap eyes on him again after he left. Not possible, we had two young DCs. So trust me when I tell you that things for you are not as bad as they might be.

I too had the 'list' but thankfully never read it (what he SAID to me was bad enough). He took the list to a lawyer, who apparently read it and said, "If you want a divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, Peter, you will have to do better than this." I put up with his shit for far too long, he convinced me it was over with the OW, then one night I randomly rang her number late at night and he answered the phone. A petition from me on the grounds of his adultery followed quickly. He was 'deeply shocked' when he received it. Not that he was up to anything with her that night, you understand. His sister had just passed away from cancer and he needed a shoulder to cry on, and I wasn't prepared to listen to him (actually I was, and did so for hours - he forgot that bit), so who else was he supposed to turn to?[bullshit emoticon]

Hi Lou, please don't be hard on yourself.

You've had only a few days to start coming to terms with this. Physically & mentally, you are still in shock. It's very early days. Many of us who have gone through a relationship breakdown have had the "luxury" of knowing that it's not working & have time to adapt emotionally. You have not had that luxury.

You will find reserves that you didn't know you had, over the coming months, that will see you through, along with friends & family. And the saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is very true. You will get over this in time, but you must go through the stages. And time does heal - it took me a year to feel like myself after it was over.

Divorce is like a bereavement; you are grieving for the loss of your marriage, the man you loved & the future you would have had. Unfortunately you even love them for a little bit after, too, even when you don't want to.

None of us get married expecting to get divorced. Very few of us have a "plan b" - if you can think of some goals eg travelling, taking up a new hobby etc then that will be a positive focus for the future.

Be kind to yourself - do something nice for yourself every day xx

You will be on a rollercoaster of emotions for a few weeks, this is totally understandable, and I remember those horrible, painful first weeks so well.
I felt utterly broken, and physically in pain. I could barely eat and remember shaking and feeling sick to the stomach. Sometimes I felt like I was in a bad dream, and that none of it was real. All of this is completely normal.

As you know, I really felt that what helped me the most (apart from RL friends and family, and MN) was having no contact at all with Twunt. I had to have limited contact about the kids, but this was always short and brief and detached.

16 months on, I still have the same going on. I avoid Twunt at all costs. It really works. You don't need a contact address, you don't need anything. Your solicitor will send the papers to his work or his parents if necessary. My ex moved, and had papers served at his work. His solicitor will know his address so that will be given to yours. He will need a solicitor (or be foolish not to), because the first letter yours send (if of course you go the divorce route) will be to advise him to appoint a solicitor as you are petitioning him for divorce.

Don't worry about the counselling thing at all. Just pretend it isn't happening. Don't worry that you said you'd try it - it's small fry - he's broken far bigger promises to you. You owe him nothing. If you want to divorce him, then you will be advised to try mediation. As the petitioner, you can do what I did, go to one session on your own, say it isn't working and bounce it all back to your solicitor.

If I didn't have kids, I would never set eyes on Twunt again. As it is, it has helped me a lot going no contact. He hates it, because it means that he has no control over me, he cannot play any emotional games, or blame me, or even try and be nice - because I don't engage with him.

It has also forced him to realise exactly what he threw away. He couldn't say I was the weak woman who nagged him and was so needy. He saw me (and sees me) as a force to be reckoned with, and it's given him the biggest shock of his now very sad life.

Look after yourself. Go with your emotions, it's like the stages of grief, and has to be taken a step at a time. But don't waste time engaging with him at all. Save all your precious energy for yourself, and lean on everyone who cares for you. You sound lovely, and you deserve so much more.

I don't think people are supposed to be alone after an immense shock. This is like a bereavement only he's not dead shame! . You have lost your life in the blink of an eye, and it was executed in a tremendously shocking and brutal way by the very one you thought you could trust; then he's following it up with agonising headfuckery and is bent on a course to bring you down. I'm so sorry, Lou.

Can your mum come to stay? Friends? ie shifts, until you can find your legs again. In many cultures around the world, people are not left alone when they face immense shocks, the community rallies round. We have a lot to learn from them I think.

Don't worry about the text - you'd be herculian to chop everything off in the way he has done (you have a heart, he doesn't). Also, don't worry too much about how this pans out re you will get the upper hand in the end so don't worry if some days it doesn't look like you have it. He has had a lifetime of perfecting manipulations and you're probably only just starting - give yourself a break. He has also been successful in making you feel confused and meek on some level, so it will take some time for that to slough off your shoulders and to see him for what he is: a true inadequate in every sense. He roars to make you cower but he is the proverbial toothless lion and empty, pathetic liar; which will become apparent as your life begins to take shape. One day you will be so glad this happened - not in the way it did but that he is out of your life.

So, can you get people round? I think people would be more than willing to support you in this way. I'm concerned for you too that you have only recently had the chemical PG and your hormones may be a bit up the spout - do keep in touch with your GP and let them look after you. What has happened is vicious and you will feel the effects of that so you need to be directly supported for a while imo.

You're made of strong stuff Lou and you will weather this. keep going sweetie, day/hour at a time.

Love IvanaNap's analogy!

Ivana - love your mad boss scenario! YY, when you discover you've been in Mad Land and never knew it ... the best thing is to leave

No, he's not replied, says it all. At least when I see the solicitor tomorrow I can say I've asked him twice for an address (I asked on Friday) and he hasn't - it'll hopefully be another nail in his coffin.

I keep repeating myself here, and there's so many of you, that your advice is AMAZING. Honest to god, I have never been so impressed as I am right now with how people are being kind, constructive, informative and supportive as you all are on here. Family being great, as are friends, but you don't know me. And some how, right now, I'm finding it easier to let it all come out to 'strangers' (but you don't feel that now) than I am to people around me. I don't know how to thank you enough.

I would love to know who this woman is. Contact her and point out all the lies he has fed to me. I suspect that she doesn't know he's married. I know this sounds unlikely, but I asked him in the pub if she knew he was and he went evasive again and said 'Well, no, she thought I was separated' and he started to mumble a lot and I sensed an answer that he hadn't rehearsed. He didn't have his wedding ring on at the weekend. I'd love to tell her he went round to sleep with her 2 days after I'd have an operation to investigate fertility issues. So when he was having his way with her, he was and has been TTC with me. Strongly suspect she's a PhD student, she looked in her mid-late 20s. And he's so charming you know, so kind. I've had bunches of carnations for the last couple of months, she'll have had the Tesco Finest ones. Although I did get the Tesco Finest on Tuesday, just before he left I suppose.

I haven't told you the REALLY shit bit yet either (well, one of about a squillion), I also work at the same institution, his building is about 100 feet away from mine. So I'm telling people at work (my friends, not everyone) and I'm going to have to ask them for as much support as possible. That's if I make it back next week.

Great post Ivana - hope it raises a smile, Lou

If he's had it off with a student love that serious professional misconduct.

Also, don't be too sure she didn't know he was married, sounds like he's trying to 'protect' her.

See, now, if it were me, I'd be dropping a line to the head of department, asking him if he was aware that OH was conducting an affair with one of his students...

But of course, I'd only do that if I were financially independent of the fucker...

Hello Lou, I've been with you since you started the thread, you have been so brave during these awful days.

As lotsofcheese says, it is very early days, you are bound to still be weeping and feeling shaky, but that will gradually ease. Try to eat meals, even though you do not feel like it. The very act of preparing food and eating it will help to calm you. Try to have a little treat each day too.

It is so very hard to be alone, but it will get easier (I hope this for myself also).
I don't think any one gets all the answers to all the when and why questions that seem so important in these first days, and even the answers one does get are probably lies.

Let yourself grieve for the loss of the life you had planned, your dreams and hopes, but you are young, clever and brave and you will have a different happy life.

Take care.

I can only echo saffysmums post, I was a wreck for weeks, I couldn't sleep or eat or function basically. I detest the fact I have DC with him much as I love my beautiful DC it makes it feel like I have a connection to IT, I have no clue where he stays, he has mostly cut off from his parents, and lied the first year about his address by changing the Road to Terrace, so all that time I was forwarding mail to some poor old lady.

If I could turn back time I would have cut him off completely from day 1. The phone I had was in his name, he liked this, he would send me "love you" texts, and even "why can it not be like his with you" bastard he is total and utter arse of the biggest kind. We were together for many many year double figures. Even now I am worried about posting too much.

You deserve so much better Lou.

The mad boss scenario is amazing, I love it.

Diazepam taking effect now, going to sit and try and watch some TV (haven't done that for 5 days) and then friend coming over this afternoon - to MY house, not here. Keep trying to say that at the moment, it's MY house. Then probably end up back here in the evening.

You're all fantastic. x

BTW... don't take it out on the woman in this scenario. If he's lying to her and being evasive (likely) it'll come out in good time. Just be thankful that you don't have to look at him any more.... he's someone else's millstone.

Oh it's fine to feel angry about the OW in this scenario. She knows she's in a relationship with a liar after all. Just because she thinks he's not lying to her doesn't absolve her from the responsibility of getting involved with a man who is lying to someone else.

The OW isn't responsible for his lies to the OP.... she's not holiding a gun to his head.

OW is not responsible for HIS lies, but she is responsible if she has made herself available to a married man. Unless she was raped, she willingly had sex with him.