please please help

[LouP19]

I have come home and my husband has moved out all of his belongings. Everything, even the garage is clear. He dropped me off after work and said he had to go and play cricket and needed some time on his own. I was distraught and said we needed to talk. Things haven't been right for a few weeks, he has denied somebody else.

All of his belongings are gone. I am shaking. No one knows where he has gone. Married 5 years, no kids. Please please help.

Yes it's a classic way of controlling somebody whose identity revolves partly around being a decent, kind person. so, anytime you're accused of being cold or heartless (ie, not bending over so far backwards that your back breaks to 100% accommodate a partner's needs) it really really hurts you and your knee jerk reaction is to prove that you are kind and decent etc.....

WOW!!! his latest text!

He must be congratulating himself, he words his texts in such a controlled way. He is UNFAILINGLY 'polite'. He has no self-awareness and he is cold and cruel but he is unfailingly polite and for that he no doubts feels like he has maintained some sort of moral high ground! arhghghghg on your behalf.

Lou don't beat yourself up - but honestly for your own sanity don't engage with him. You are feeding his ego.

God I hate this man and I've never even met him

I don't think you're letting anyone down by what you did. You haven't begged him to come home or made any apology. You have a plan in mind. Stick with that.

As for being on your own, well, that's to be expected. You have spent so many years in a relationship that being on your own is going to take some getting used to. A friend of mine (albeit one who has MH issues) is still coming to terms with the end of her 18 year relationship, 5 years after it ended.

Keep the people you need around you, and when they can't be there, come here and we'll support you. x

The arrogance of that text!! talking to you about respect and communication! This from the man who disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Lou, would going for a run help you, or kick boxing class?! I found when I was in that state that I literally couldn't stomach any film or book that any romance in it. So my 'escapism' was limited to exercising and reading crime novels. That was all that worked for me... It is really hard getting through the day when ever minute seems to take 20 to drag by. Xx

You are coping. You're in shock. You haven't let 'us' or anyone else down - in the end you have to deal with things in the way that suits you, nobody else. I'm really glad that reading all our comments is helping you in some way.

He HAS ruined your dreams and taken away the life you thought you had. Your reaction to that is completely sane. It's a horrible, horrible feeling and it will get better. Don't panic about your ups and downs, my god, you haven't even had a week to process it all yet.

Your friends and family are there for you and will understand if you don't want to be alone. Please keep posting on here if it helps.

Oh sorry, I totally misunderstood. Yes, you are entitled to text him about respect and honesty!

Marmalade?? Wtf is his obsession with preserves all about?!

Honestly I know it probably doesn't feel like it but you have had SUCH a lucky escape. Thank the stars you don't have children because at least this way you never have to speak to him again after all the legalities are sorted. You are brilliant and deserve someone who will treat you as such. He is a twunt and your moral ground is so much higher he is just a tiny speck below.

Lou, it is horrible being alone in these very early shocked stages. I've been there in this past year and it is truly awful. BUT it will get better. you are not expected to feel anything else for now.

I still go over the lies and betrayal. You cant help yourself sometimes especially when you wake thinking about it, its not in your control. Talk talk talk to others. The more you let it out during the day the less you brain will want to do it all on its own at night.

Dont be hard on yourself. Try and do anything that gives you a bit of pleasure coofee with a friend, massage, exercise. It will all help.

I differ slightly from other posters in that I actually think your text was a good thing (or at least, not a bad thing). You do need a contact address if you decide to start with divorce proceedings (although that is YOUR decision, you do not need to do anything anyone else says, and you need to go at your own pace). You have six months from discovery of his affair to divorce him for adultery if you decide to do that.

I also (having been stalked) was a bit concerned that if you ignored his texts completely he could get it into his head you simply hadn't received them and might turn up at the house, which would be much more difficult for you. As it is, he now knows you have received his texts, which is good. If you now wish to change your number, or get another phone, you can do so.

As regards the counsellor - I totally agree with others that he only wants it to try to convince you his lack of fidelity is your own fault so I see no point to it. I would suggest once he gets in touch with a date / time you call the counsellor and tell him/her you will not be attending. The counsellor can then feed that back if s/he sees fit.

Lou, bloody well done so far.

How Mr Chutney is going to regret losing you.

Good morning Lovely Lou,

What the hell is it with this guy and jars?

Please keep reminding yourself that it is only a matter of days since your whole world was ripped apart. It is good that you have such wonderful support, but unfortunately, the alone time has to be faced, and somehow got through. Use it to give full rein to all your emotions. I think it will help a little, when you are able to think about returning to work. For now though, baby steps, and much self nurturing. When things overcome you, run back to your mum. She is obviously an amazing woman, as is her daughter.....Much love sweetie.

Trouble is, he's setting you up to fail with this counselling lark. Either you go, get a pasting and he is able to say that he tried everything but it failed. Or you don't go, in which case he feels he has the moral highground as he asked for counselling to sort things out but you refused.

Make sure the whole world and his wife knows what he did!

I'd like to smash that marmalade right on his head. What an utter bastard.

You are doing amazingly Lou. You really are.

Hi Lou, I have pm'd you. I think you are doing amazingly well in such a short space if time . I spent days crying, shaking, not eating.

Your whole world has been turned upside down and HE has done this not you, no matter what your alleged failings are. That's where counselling has helped me, to recognise that what he put in the letter was to offload his guilt and simply wasn't true.

You are strong. I won't pretend it's easy, but you will get through it, baby steps, think one day at a time.

Whatever you decide to do, there will always be people to support you. people can advise you what and what not to do, but you are in this situation and going through hell.

You would have to have some contact at some point, even solicitors advise mediation etc, just be aware that any mediation/counselling IS a way for him to hurt you more. He is more than likely looking for a way to absolve himself of any guilt by making YOU the guilty party, but what you have to remember is that nobody MADE him have an affair, he CHOSE to do that, and that was NOTHING you did or didn't do. Normal people talk to their spouses about problems, as you clearly tried to do.

In all honesty, if you have to say anything to him at all, I would tell him I wasn't even willing to listen to any grievances until he sorted himself out.

Lou unfortunately academia seems to inflate the narcissistic side of some people though not me and I'm an academic so I must be special eh? to incredible proportions. Admiring PhD students...being chased and flattered by publishers...power and control...all fan the fire of any narc traits that had previously lain dormant.

It's not an excuse for his behaviour though (there is no excuse). Stay strong x

As a side thought, is there any possibility he could have started indulging in recreational drug using (e.g. cocaine)? I say this because I have seen this on far too many occasions. Suddenly the spouse/partner starts acting like a crazy mental person, affairs, twatty behaviour etc, and somewhere down the line it is discovered that drugs were involved.

Thank you all so much, I've just been through and copied loads of brilliant advice into Word and am going to print off and keep reading and reading. Having a very dark morning. Parents just gone out for lunch, tried to take me with them, but need a massive cry.

I like being with someone. I like making a home, I like 'being homely', I like keeping a house nice, I like feeling content and safe, I like nurturing. I've got two degrees but never wanted a career because I'm happy (genuinely) to support a home and a partner. And I've been totally and utterly shafted by someone who had ALL this, and was getting his 'other bit' elsewhere. So can't help but think that because I also wasn't exciting anymore, he did this. I'm so scared I'll never find anyone else, or that I'll never be exciting to anyone else.

I remember finding a blonde hair stuck to him about 3 weeks ago. When he came back from several of his trips he had started to always do his washing. Can someone tell me how I switch this off? Oh yeah, diazepam. I'm afraid I've just taken one.

Sorry, it's starting to come out now, isn't it? The adrenelin makes me angry, when that's gone I'm shaky and then I'm in tears.

On a slightly surreal note, I'm sat at the PC, (in the room where I grew up in, god) with a cup of tea, tears streaming down my face, and a biscuit which I don't feel like eating. And my parent's dog is looking at me, the biscuit, me, the biscuit and is clearing saying 'If you don't eat the fucking biscuit give it me!'. This has made me smile through my tears. But then I remember that HE loved this dog, and even worse the dog loved HIM. Help,....

Of COURSE you texted him!!! Which of us wouldn't have??????

It easy for us to say - no contact at all - and wag our wise fingers. But your relationship with a man you loved has undergone a massive change and privately between the two of you, you deserve to say goodbye to him, over a period of time if you feel like it. So no beating yourself up about it.

The only other thing I have of use to say is - the being alone thing? It is normal to feel like that, and it will pass, but in the meantime, it is awful, and we all understand and feel for you. Can you take it one day at a time? But ultimately, you will be alone sometimes, and it is going to hurt, and thats life sometimes, and what use is this for me to say. :(((

Maybe try not to think of the future just yet, maybe take it day at a time, maybe cry when it happens, and then get up and go to work or whatever, and soon it will feel better.

You had the wrong man. My current partner would love a woman like you, and so would his mate. who is going thro a divorce, because his wife doesn't want him anymore.

You are suffering an ending, but you did not bring it about with your personal character. Mind that hole!!!!!

hesterton I agree very much with your post .

It describes very well what we go through.