please please help

[LouP19]

I have come home and my husband has moved out all of his belongings. Everything, even the garage is clear. He dropped me off after work and said he had to go and play cricket and needed some time on his own. I was distraught and said we needed to talk. Things haven't been right for a few weeks, he has denied somebody else.

All of his belongings are gone. I am shaking. No one knows where he has gone. Married 5 years, no kids. Please please help.

Houseofplain - point taken, you are right :-)

Getting back on topic, I really do wish you the best OP.

Treat yourself well. This has all happened so quickly and despite your strength and the fact that you are dealing with the situation wonderfully, you will still be in shock. Try to eat as much as you can. I know you don't feel much like it at the moment, but you do need strength to deal with all of this. Little and often is the key. Buy yourself some little treats.

Lou have read from the beginning but not posted however I feel I have to tell you, you are doing so well :) you have been lied to, treated terribly and are still holding your own.

Marianne, I am guessing you are related to the OP's twat of a husband, or you are the OW if you are I am guessing you don't want his chutney !!!!!!!!!!

Hi Lou. Another one here just wanting to say how brilliantly you are doing. Let your family, friends, neighbours and everyone on here carry you through this awful time. (What a lovely offer of your neighbour to work on a project together in the garden!)

You don't need that cold, confused and callous man in your life - you are surrounded by love & support .

I am loving the emerging consensus on this thread that posts in support of the OP shall contain lashings of chutney. Feel a quiche coming on!

Lou, I started reading this the other day and have only just caught up with it. I am feeling so angry and outraged on your behalf, I can not imagine how you must feel! The 'man' is an utter utter c*nt and by the sounds of it you are better off without him. I just wanted to say that I think you really are doing brilliantly, stay strong and I wish you all the best for the future x

LouP19 I agree with no contact if possible, apart from perhaps making it clear that you refuse to accept any blame for his behaviour. Your shortcomings have absolutely nothing to do with his unfaithfulness and you will NOT accept the blame in any shape or form. You need to make sure he gets that message loud and clear.

When he says "you wouldn't have me back anyway", reply "you're right, I wouldn't so there's nothing else to talk about!"

And leave it there.

There are a number of complete deal breakers in your story:

1. The affair(s)
2. The cowardly way he left
3. Blaming his infidelity on your "faults"

If 1 and 2 weren't deal breakers for you, no.3 absolutely should be. He blamed you for him having an affair!

That is a reflection of his character, not just about bad choices and mistakes he's made.

You deserve so much better, even if that means being on your own!

well done you for being so strong, in some ways I wish I had been able to do what you are doing. I was so desperate to save my marriage, because I loved him and because of DD, that I did everything bar get down on bended knee and beg him!

He didnt respect me for it, he simply treated me even worse than before by leading me on. You contact him on your terms. .you need to ignore him and be prepared for him to turn on you, when he realises that he has thrown it all away. Then it will be your fault for not wanting to reconcile..... your decision, your choice.. dont take any crap from him

Even though my STBXH doesnt want to come back, he still hates the fact that I am now getting rid of every trace of him in my life. Each time I ask him to cancel something, or give him back something, it really pisses him off!! :-)

Just read this thread... I'm so sorry Lou, what an awful experience. You are coming through so well, but it will take a while with a shock like this.

Just want to say hear hear to garlicnuts upthread....
"[He has a] built-in, lifelong malfunction. This would tie in with the extraordinary moodiness you've noted before. There's no mileage in expecting sense from a person who isn't "a sane, rational human being", they'll only give you what looks like sense to them, or what they think you want to hear."

I think UnlikelyAmazonian is onto something too (what's the thing about cooking??).

To me he looks like a full-on sociopath/psychopath ? that is, no conscience at all. This would cover glib and superficial charm, pathological lying, lack of guilt/remorse, callousness, short-lived and egocentric emotion, prone to boredom, failure to accept responsibility for own actions, impulsivity, multiple short term relationships, and plenty more if you look for the checklist (not that I recommend it).

Crocodile tears or the 'poor me' pity play are another marker, apparently.

That's not a serious attempt at a diagnosis, which would be wrong and stupid: but we're told around 4% of the population are like this. And you can have more than one mental disorder too. Some of his texts sound like they've been written at random, or extracted at random from a romantic novel, without any basis in reality.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and for the other ladies on this thread who have had similar, shocking experiences.

Encountering this kind of thing is beyond awful. :(

Well I've been transfixed by this marathon thread - what a cowardly, self-regarding, emotionally immature, narcissistic, delusional, shallow, self-pitying, manipulative, derogatory, bullying, pathetic piece of shit your STBXH is.

Lou, I salute you. This is a shocking trauma you are going through, but as well as the understandable hurt, confusion and anger you have expressed you are obviously a thoughtful, dignified and determined woman.

I would like to support what other posters have said about not feeding his ego by playing this silly blame/guilt game of his. His attempts to persuade you to accept some responsibility for his actions are childish and frankly farcical. My jaw almost hit the desk when I read about him producing a list of your good and bad points.

I wish you all the best.

As for these odd and completely misplaced comments about the MN "pack" - I think this thread illustrates MN at its very best. Support, advice, strategy, tactics, sympathy, foul language, you get everything you need here and more.

Just remember Lou, he may have taken your chutney but he can't take away your dignity and self respect.

So glad you're doing ok lou. You are so strong even though you don't realise it. Keep your distance from him, totally disengage, and focus on you. Keep that lovely support network you've got, they're worth their weight in gold.

I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight. Keep doing what you're doing and eventually the days will get easier, I promise.

this thread has had me crying for myself. My STBXH wrote me a letter that detailed all my faults and how he could "choose to accept them or not accept them" . Even after reading that I was still asking him if we would be going out on our second "date". I cant believe how sad and desperate I was. How dare he - or your twunt - or anybody else, write a bloody list detailing our faults.

I wasnt treated as badly as you, although I was blindsided by him going.

What gets me is the total lack of empathy, that they might understand how we feel, but of course to do that, they would have to admit that they have behaved like a total shit and that is never going to happen...

Fighting an urge to start a chutney drive for Lou.

Mine done this to me too, I also love my cats. My mum still helps with my shopping also, please for the sake of your sanity go "NO CONTACT", change your sim, change your locks, if you feel up to it/want to and know where he is write a letter detailing your thoughts/emotions.

Sorry it is so short but I have to get to bed, my being "IN CONTACT" has messed with my head for 23 months now. I did go NO CONTACT in December and was doing great but IT phoned today via my sons phones and has messed me up all over again. Hence being awake at silly o'clock.

Stay Strong Lou x

Don't write a letter. Don't text anything. Radio silence. Any contact is all supply to a narc like him. Please listen to UnlikelyAmazonian. She knows what she is talking about.

Keep the radio silence. That's the way not to allow him to take control again. And congratulations on having such wonderful neighbours. Accept all offers of help, the friendships you will build through it are going to provide a base for support and happy times for many years to come.

It is good that you have finally accepted there is something wrong with him. I found out that when I finally accepted my ex had gone mental and nothing that I had done would deserve such behaviour, was such a liberating experience: I couldn't do anything for him, therefore there was no need for me to go and rescue him (for the 145756th time) from the hell he created for himself.

Hi Lou

I have just read your thread from start to finish and would like to add that he is a twunt of the greatest order. Unbelievable callousness and selfishness. I'm so sorry that you're being put through this...you sound so lovely.

You mentioned something about a PhD student in an early post...is your FWH an academic by any chance?

I picked up a book in a charity shop yesterday 'he's just not into you'. And I thought of this thread reading the chapter in it about infidelity and how it's never your fault. What your h has done is so text book. He really expected a big long drama about all of your faults that would totally distract away from his cheating. And you've robbed him of that opportunity! well done.

Thinking about you Lou.

Lou you are fab. I wish to goodness I'd had the strength to do what you're doing with the radio silence with my ex. Just stay strong - there will probably come a point when the shock and the drama have worn off a bit where you mourn the loss of the person you thought he was, and that's really tough - you just have to hang in there. You know you have a lot of support on here and from your brilliant family by the sound of it, so make full use of that. Wishing you all the very best and sending a big un-MN hug.

I have been following this thread and am totally at what an utterly vile man you have been dealing with Lou.

I think you're doing amazingly well - keeping cool, distanced and practical even though you may be in inner turmoil.

I don't have any advice but am shocked to hear how many people have had similar experiences. All I can say is that it gives some degree of truth to the theory that the Y chromosome is inferior (X is perfect, Y is 'broken) but that this would be unfair on the perfectly sensible, pleasant, respectful and considerate men out there.

So much good advice here. Stick to your guns. Be calm, be distant. Keep contact as minimal as possible. Take him to the cleaners. Take time to fall in love with yourself. Cry. Shout. Move on to a happier more fulfilling life.

Lou, I'm reading all the way from the Middle East and just had to drop you a line to say how very sorry I am that you are going through this and to add another voice to the chorus saying that yor husband is possibly the most awful human being I have ever come across.

Please please please do NOT let him keep you on a string. I wish to god I'd had mumsnet when my ex left me. He kept me danglin for nearly 2 YEARS whilst sleeping with prostitutes behind my back and constantly implying we would get back together in time IF I improved myself in all the ways he wanted (became entirely self sufficient, kept my weight below 9 stone at all times, went to the gym daily, didn't require anything from him etc...). I was totally emotionally broken and would have done anything for him to come back. Very very pathetic and my only abiding regret about the entire breakup is that I didn't keep my dignity and let him play me like that.

Stay strong and know there are hundreds of women supporting you.

Skyeblue what a chillingly horrible man your ex sounds. I've been somewhere similar when I was a lot younger, didn't marry him thank god! I think a basic problem is that (for all our faults) we are basically nice and reasonable - as is Lou - so when someone tells us there's something wrong with us our natural response is "Oh dear, really? I better fix it!" It's genuinely hard if you're normal and nice to conceive of somebody saying you have a fault and just making it up for sick reasons of their own. But they really are.

Very true, and well said MadBusLady ...

Hello, I'm here, just read through everyone's posts and wanted to thank you for all for such brilliant advice. Whenever I'm feeling low I come on here and read all the 'he's the worst kind of person ever' comments and, honest to god, it's SO helpful.

Mornings definitely the worse, woke up this morning at 6am (so I got some sleep which is good) and was going over and over in my head about all the time he has LIED to me. Lied, lied, lied. And up until about 6 weeks ago, he was doing it and doing it quite well. It's only been in the last few weeks that I've suspected something's been going on because he turned up the nastiness towards me. So in the early days he obviously felt in control (bastard, what did he think he was in control of, 2 women 'wanting' him?). And clearly he's either fallen for this women, or realises more likely that I saw the picture last week and that the lies could no longer go on. He took her to Naples whilst he was ignoring my calls, saying he was in business meetings over a weekend. That totally and utterly breaks my heart. And he came back and brought me a small jar of marmalade.

Yes, he works in an academia. Lots of travelling, meeting people all the time, always been a concern for me.

I've contacted him. :-( This morning. It says: 'I AM unhappy and upset and you need to know that. You said you would let me have a contact address for mail etc. Please send me this. Maintaining contact is now about honesty and respect.

So now I feel I've let you all down. I'm not begging him to come home or apologising for insecure, ever, even if it kills me. He has 24 hours to give me an address, if he doesn't again it's something I'm taking with me to the solicitors tomorrow,..... No reply to this and I'm going to blow the bastard out the water. I hope.

Feel he's ruined my dreams, my hopes, my life, everywhere I go and see feels different now, already. I'm scared about everything. At my parents now, then going home this afternoon and a friend is coming over for a cup of tea. Problem is when I'm with people I'm ok, 5 minutes on my own and I'm totally desolate. I keep thinking someone is going to walk in and say 'Candid Camera', I really do. And I don't know what I'm going to do with my time, because I can't expect to be with people ALL the time. Don't feel like I'm coping today.