please please help

[LouP19]

I have come home and my husband has moved out all of his belongings. Everything, even the garage is clear. He dropped me off after work and said he had to go and play cricket and needed some time on his own. I was distraught and said we needed to talk. Things haven't been right for a few weeks, he has denied somebody else.

All of his belongings are gone. I am shaking. No one knows where he has gone. Married 5 years, no kids. Please please help.

Interestingly, the neighbour (why is it often people who are not especially close who are the most perceptive) who said 'You've been in X's shadow far too long, it's time to come out now'. That's because they are looking in front the outside seeing everything.

Glad you feeling better. You have a very strong family around you to support you, and make you stronger.

My dad did the same as your h , but we were much older. I was 22 when he did it. I can still remember coming home from work one Friday in June and driving down my street and seeing mum's car, my grandads and aunt car also there so I knew he had gone ( I had confronted him with his own lies the night before after hearing my mum crying into her pillows) I had enough of him. He also took all his belongings and furniture.

WTF is with the pet 'ducky' name and the love xxx. The wanker really is trying so hard to keep you dangling isn't he!

Try not to reply.

The longer you hold out the more twitchy he will get and the more he will eventually drop himself in it (not that he isn't hip deep in sit and sinking fast already).

You are doing really well. Don't be surprised if you are up and down like a yoyo with your moods.

/hugs

PS nope you won't get banned for general swearing. So feel free to give us a complete character description of ChutneyBreath

"hello ducky". Jeezuz...........what....the...actual....fuck...that alone shows what a monumental cock he is.

He is crumbling you are right. No contact is so powerful. Hold your nerve. He deserves nothing. Not even the effort and cost of a text.

I heart your neighbours.............and they will just be the first of many who will be pleased you now have an opportunity to truly be yourself free from this beast of a human being.

Is there no way you'll be able to keep the house on lou?
Make it yours and love it, and he can get lost?
Or maybe a total new fresh start would be best?? Lots of lovely little cottages about

"I don't want you to be unhappy or upset" !!???
Think maybe he should've thought about that when he was booking the removal van.

Wow, what a lovely neighbour, and what a truly positive thing to say about coming out of the shadow..

There may be some way you can keep the house (lodger perhaps), don't give up hope.

Am I the only one who is having visions of some woman standing in her kitchen somewhere, looking at a row of chutney jars and then looking across to her MN on a laptop, looking back at the chutney and then looking across to her newly moved-in boyfriend in dawning horror?

OP, huge good luck and best wishes from me, my adult DSs and DH who are all gobsmacked by your gobshite of a H!

Going to bed now, totally totally exhausted. Not sleeping in 'our' bed, in the spare room. Both cats are on 'our' bed. I can see a trend there,.... ;-)

Thanks again, I'm so knackered, hope I sleep.

lol Jelly I think he should have thought about that before he fell on the OW and his dick accidentally slipped in her!

Good idea about a lodger.

"I don't seem to have any abject begging texts from you. Please do let me know that you understand your role as my obedient grovelling back-up plan, I can't remain fully self-absorbed and transfixed by my own amazing cock unless you confirm your lowly status. How are the cats?"

He's going over the edge! I'm inclined to agree with Charbon, no contact is working (and how) so why change it. It is horribly laughable that he's in such a state, but he is still capable of calculated nastiness, if may be best not to warn him of anything. Hope you sleep well!

The nerve of the bloke!!! In light of what has happened and come out I cannot believe the language he is using in his texts, love to all, love you, don't want you to be upset blah di blah....it's a shocking attempt to manipulate.

I think how you are responding is unnerving him in that he doesn't know how you are doing, what you are thinking etc. Lack of control. What a devious duplicitous twat, trying to make out he cares. Fuckwit.

Don't listen to any of his shite. If he really gave a toss he'd have behaved very differently throughout all this.

Stay focused lovely, chutney man is certainly a special kind of arse hole!!! Xxx

You don't need to text him.

Watch him panic! It'll be better than watching corrie (or whatever..)

Glad you are ok OP.

Do not, I repeat, do not text him anything. This is going better than I hoped. You are not playing his game. If you continue to ignore him, it will freak him out. Good.

He wants you as Plan B; you are worth so much more. Just ignore him, and instruct a solicitor.

He does not care about how you are, he cares about your (and others) perspective of him. Let them all see him for the twunt he is.

Hold your head up high, ignore him and block your phone.

He's on the ropes - it's where he belongs. Focus only on yourself, and you will be fine.

Get some sleep and we'll all be here for you tomorrow (and as long as it takes). XX

woo hoo! you are doing so well in not responding to his stupd texts - its working!

Lou, I've skimmed through this thread and, like everyone else, would like to say how amazingly you're dealing with this. A few things you've posted suggest you're XH is an academic (I may be entirely mistaken, I've been watching athletics and may have had wine ) However, my experience of being left by an academic has some parallels - esp with regards to the level of guilt tripping bullshit that it entails. Please do PM me if you think a similar view point would be useful (I still get the pitiful woe-is-me-it's-not-my-fault-I'm-wonderful crap now) - apols if I have completely the wrong end of the stick.

You're doing brilliantly. I'm sure you don't think so. But you are.

The rockery thing is just lovely isn't it.

Does he think you're some kind of idiot? That you're going to be falling all over him after what he's done?

Frothygoldmedal : I'm with you there. Somewhere there's a very unfortunate blond woman who's in for a nasty surprise.

Radio Silence. No matter how much it hurts.

See solicitor.

Finances in order and file for divorce.

All communication through your solicitor. And to save money you don't even have to reply.

Keep your wits about you. Don't leave the house unlocked (if he still has keys) and buy lots of cream buns.

You are so going to be happier eventually without this head-bender with his ducky chutneys.

You are doing admirably.

Just do not contact him unless it is truly vital and if you absolutely have to - and if that happens keep it short, unemotional and factual.

You must secure yourself financially. He will have planned more than just taking his chutneys. He took the house papers. Narcs are profoundly stupid though. So I wouldn't worry too much. He will be in thrall to his own magnetic penis self there is nothing else actually chutneys.

Totally second the radio silence. The only thing I ever did that ever got through to my x was when I stopped trying to reason with him. He asked my mum why I wouldn't speak to him... somehow my mum refrained herself from saying because you've put her through hell for ten years. but i swear , ironically, not communicating with him is the only thing i've ever done that 's made me feel like i've clawed back a bit of respect. well done for figuring out in a week what it took me 18 months to figure out.

About the no contact, definitely leave him to sweat in his own chutney, but (sorry if I missed it) can you make sure you change the locks or fit a deadbolt or something, in case he comes around to whinge at you in person when he finally cracks in the face of your calmness or (hopefully) complete lack of response by text.

I was just thinking earlier, I am so glad you have the cats, Lou. It's so lovely to have them purring on your lap and so calming to pet them when you're feeling stressed. Not wishing to patronise you along the lines of RECEIVED AND UNDERSTOOD, but have you noticed that you are more than halfway already to a fulfilling, independent life without him - you have your mum, your neighbours, your cats and MN!

Wishing you peaceful sleep.

This man's got SELF-IMPORTANT imprinted on his bones like a stick of peppermint rock.

You obviously know how to wind him up deal with him so keep him on his toes tenterhooks until you're ready to play him like a fiddle.

If you don't know of a rottweiler good divorce lawyer in your area, post the Legal matters board for recommendations and get yourself an appointment asap.

With regard to counselling, if/when he comes up with a date send him a text saying no more than OK to imply that you'll be attending.

Once you know which organsation he's made an appointment with, get their fax number and some 15 minutes before the due time send a fax along the following lines:

'On further consideration I do not believe it will in my best interests to attend the proposed counselling session today. The fact of the matter is that I have heard Mr (his name) bore for England on occasions too numerous to mention and now that he has added reinventing the truth to his repertoire I have no wish to subject myself to any further tedium caused by the sound of his voice.

I wish you well and have no doubt Mr (his name) will find the session productive as he likes nothing better than a captive audience.

Sincerely... (your name)'

To ensure that your message is received before the session, after you've sent it ring the organisation's main switchboard to alert them to the fax and ask that it be given to the counsellor as a matter of urgency.