please please help

[LouP19]

I have come home and my husband has moved out all of his belongings. Everything, even the garage is clear. He dropped me off after work and said he had to go and play cricket and needed some time on his own. I was distraught and said we needed to talk. Things haven't been right for a few weeks, he has denied somebody else.

All of his belongings are gone. I am shaking. No one knows where he has gone. Married 5 years, no kids. Please please help.

YvyB at the haemmorhoid cream!

He's taken all the house papers. That suggests he thinks he's going to take you for everything (he won't, I doubt it matters who's got bits of paper, your sol will just obtain copies). Scary cold bastard. I think it may turn out to be best thing you did letting him think the counselling was an option. You can be speeding on with solicitor while he thinks he's still in control.

Jesus what a cunt.

You are very, very definitely well rid and I know you will see that in the future too.

Best wishes x

Hi Lou, hope you've had a lovely haircut & feel like a new woman.

I just wanted to say that contact with him just seems to cause you more upset & fuckwittery from him. Do you think you get anything out of it? If not, it really is best to cut contact & move on.

I would not have counselling with him - it really will mess with your head. After you've seen your solicitor on Monday to discuss options, you can then decide what the best approach is about this & other things eg finances.

Try to do something nice for yourself every day eg paint nails, buy magazine, long bath with candles.

Are you signed off work? I hope so, as you tend to find your concentration & decision-making is shot to pieces.

And don't allow him any more headspace - you must focus on yourself.

Affairs can be worked through, sometimes.

Leaving in that way, just disappearing, letting you feel that shock and devastation, sending the message that he was abandoning everything, discarding your home, your life together, with no warning, the secret plot to do this in the background, for weeks... There is no planet on which that behaviour should be forgiven. It's despicable.

I am so sorry and so horrified to hear of all the women on here who have gone through similar situations. You all sound so strong. I'm in awe.

As others have said though Lou, I think he has inadvertently done you a huge favour. There is something very wrong with him, to be so selfish, to have such a lack of empathy. It won't feel like it for a while, but you are so better off without him.

You'll meet someone who will make you a hundred times happier than him one day. Truly.

And by the way it is not a normal part of marriage to keep giving little digs and insults! The more you say about him, the more I'm convinced your friends will be wild with relief for you that it's over. I bet some of them rumbled him.

I've been trying to imagine a scenario, any scenario at all, where his actions could be remotely acceptable. Have drawn a total blank. It's just beyond belief.
And I don't see how you could forgive him, even if you wanted to, as he hasn't shown any remorse.

I know this term isn't popular on here but I suggest you google Narcissistic Personality Disorder and see if you recognise your husband.

The best way to deal with him is to have no contact whatsover. Anything else is just feeding his need for narcissistic supply (attention).

I know your emotions will be in tatters but you have had a very very lucky escape.

I haven't commented on this thread at all and have been reading it chunks at a time.

The only thing I'd be saying to this despicable little shit is that you've been doing a lot of thinking and have concluded that he hasn't been meeting your needs for a long time and that you're looking forward to meeting someone who will. That you know that's possible because you've had so many offers that you had the ethics to turn down, because you were married. But as far as you're concerned now, you are single and intend to live that life.

The thing these arsewipes never account for is that their departure heralds a glorious vacancy that will be so easy to fill. He will be enraged because right now he thinks he's got a golden cock that two women want. In reality he's got a chemically supported one that only a fool with no morals will go near. She's welcome to it, isn't she?

Just want to agree that repeated little digs & put-downs are not a normal part of marriage. Did you criticise him like that? Tosser.

Nice job giving him the willies by saying & revealing so little by the way. He's obviously hating it! NPD sounds like a good & popular diagnosis. Arsehole fits too.

Ive been reading but didnt want to just repeat what everyone else has said until the bit where you said that was fine.

So.......Lou, I think you are amazing and how you kept your cool in the pub is astonishing, and shows tremendous courage. You deserve and will get a decent man in your life one day. You are so well rid of this twunt. Do NOT go to the counselling with him but I would suggest that in a little while some counselling for you may well be really beneficial for you to come to terms with what has happened and move on successfully.

Well done you for being so brave.

Tell you what, I'll say this for him- by being so blatantly dickish, he has at least made it obvious how much better your life will be without him. Plus, you'll have a wealth of hilarious anecdotes about your 'ex from hell' one day.

Based on what I've had time to read, you do seem amazing, and unusually composed despite his attempts to get the upper hand. I have no doubt you'll find someone far better in time and be grateful that this fool is safely in your past. I won't try to give you any advice, it looks like it's all been said, and said v. well. Looking forward to one day reading how f*cked off he gets when you foil his nefarious plans, the evil, smug git...

You need to send him a text. 'Your ridiculous and selfish actions and revelations over the last few days have woken me up tp the idiot you truly are. I'm sorry to have to tell you there is someone in my life FAR more important than you, who loves and respects me far too much to let me put up with any more of your self serving bullshit...that person is me. I deserve more than you and I will not let you mess with my life for another minute. Don't contact me again except through our solicitors. Goodbye.

I know you said that he pays the mortgage, but are you jointly named as owners? Just wondering whether pissing him off is wise?

However tempting it might seem, I really wouldn't text him at all or have any further contact other than via solicitors. It is all feeding his love of the drama centred on him.

I see Notinmylifetime has already linked to an NPD site. Here is another one that might be helpful:
www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/

Lou I know you probably aren't feeling up to jokes right now but I get the feeling you have a good SOH so I'll share these thoughts!

As well as being totally & for you like other posters, I have snorted my cuppa a few times on this thread, I am loving some of the names we have on here for your STBEx & the situation the bastard has put you in!

Chutneygate

Chutney Rustler

Chutneytwat

MN rocks with support & humour in times of crisis.

Hope the new haircut perks you up & empowers you.

I found myself in a very similar position a few years ago, but with a young baby. It's really shocking, and absolutely devastating. I really feel for you :( and [anger]. You sound like an incredibly strong woman, with a great support network round you. It doesn't feel like it now, but you will be ok, the pain will go, and you'll be so much better off without him.
((((Lou))))

I took mine back about 3 times, and he always played me along (using the same script as yours did - 'you'd never forgive me', telling me MY faults and what I had to do to keep him!!, but never making a proper commitment to leaving OW and generally trying to have his cake and eat it) but went back to OW in a matter of days. After a few weeks, I got sick of it, and used my anger to play him at his own game.

I pretended to still really want him back and to be desperate to forgive and forget if only he'd come back. In the meantime, I got him to bring round a load of things he'd taken, got back money he'd owed (well, 'borrowed' money from him to the tune of what he'd taken), found out exactly how much debt he had, got him to transfer over the ownership for the car (he was saying it was his, but we'd bought it for me to use as a family car, he had another car that wasn't so new), got hold of his payslips etc so he couldn't wangle out of maintenance payments, and sussed out his intentions all the while keeping him at arms length and pretending to desperately want him back.

It sounds manipulative, but he'd taken everything, and left me and new-born ds with nothing and the threat of no car and no maintenance. I knew he was still seeing OW all the time, and he wasn't staying round so I suspect he was still sleeping with her while he was sussing out whether to stay with me or not, so I felt no guilt.

Oh the look on his face when I had got everything I wanted off him, had the divorce papers in the post to his place of work, and I told him 'I'd rather chew off my own legs than get back with you'. Still makes me smile :)

Luckily he was the most disorganised person ever and didn't even seek legal advice.

Be strong, but don't let him know your plans, and keep your cards close to your chest until you have everything sorted.

Thinking of you

Lou, sadly it is as we all feared, words fail me.

I think that joint counselling would be pointless, as he will simply play to his new audience and his personality is such that it will not change his opinion of the way he relates to you. The truth is, that there are people who could go for a years worth of sessions and still be no further ahead than at the start. You, however, would benefit hugely, because you have the emotional intelligence to process the things that are happening, and move forwards.

I agree that communication should be done via solicitors, and I suggest that your parents and his do not communicate between themselves either.

It sounds as though you have decided to dissolve the marriage, if you petition for divorce you don't need to name the woman, it can be written as adultery with a person or persons unknown. But I would inform the solicitor that there has been emotional cruelty or abuse which you might need to provide statements for. Your solicitor will advise what grounds to petition for. You each pay for your own solicitor unless you are able to get legal aid, the petitioner pays the court fee for the divorce.

Financially, blame doesn't play any part in deciding how to divide assets and property. Equally they aren't split 50:50, but they do take into account what each partner has done for the marriage. You have kept the home running while he was abroad, agreed to work part time because you hoped to start a family, he has now drastically altered your lifestyle and finances.

I would arrange for your house to be valued as soon as, get valuations (written) from three different agents for your solicitor to get an idea of what to work with (obviously these won't be the final figures if you are selling) but don't rely on valuations supplied by STBXH.

And something to keep you busy; make an inventory of all the furniture, bedding, kitchenware, soft furnishings, garden tools and furniture, china/glassware/ornaments etc etc. Choose items that you would like to keep and those which you don't. Where items were given jointly like wedding gifts, my ex and I kept the things that were given by our own side of the family which seemed fair. Where there is a dispute, you may be both referred to mediation to help you resolve this, so it is best if it can be sorted between yourselves.

Oo yes i would like to tear into his text. He says:

'Thank you for having the courage to meet me, I know it must have been very difficult for you. It was also tough for me to see you and own up to what I did. I never ever wanted, or still want, to hurt you in any way, and for doing this I am truly sorry. I was very surprised by your calmness and by what you said. Over the last few months some of the things you have said have lead me to believe that you no longer love me, but after what you said I am not sure that this is the true. Although I am still scared that the arguments could return, I do understand that it is important to deal with our problems and hopefully by talking this will help us realise how to prevent these from occurring in the future. I do want you to be happy so please don't ever say that I don't. I hope you have a good day and try to relax a little. Love to all xxx'

What he means is: 'I have no understanding, concept or indeed experience of the human condition but I will try using some words I read in a book about being nice and also use long sentences that make me sound as though I have thought this message through. I am a bit thrown by your calmness, which has made me temporarily forget how to use proper sentences and good punctuation. I am not scared at all but because I have the mental capacity of a five year old it is a word I sort-of understand; for instance, Humpty Dumpty scares me. I have no idea what happiness is, not on a normal human level, but I might as well pretend I do by wishing you some of it. Also, I you can relax now as I have my chutneys and a couple of forks so I won't go hungry so don't worry about me not eating enough. While I am on the subject of food, which is important to me, (though not as important as the subject of my norty willy and how it feels nice when it goes all biggy) the thought of being a bit hungry always scares me. I understand that it is important to have bananas too for potassium and I forgot to take them so please leave some on the doorstep as that will make me you happy and feel holy. Lots of love to me all. Whoever you are. I have forgotten your names already. Including the cats. Or were they bats?'

Clam, it doesn't matter as they're married. OP is entitled to half (ish) of all the marital assets. If it goes to court, the court is likely to feel the H showed a lack of interest in the home by leaving it so summarily - and that, since he encouraged his wife to go part-time at work, he assumed responsibility for her financial welfare :) Without kids, though, it's usually a straight 50/50.

Shouldn't think there's a lot of equity in the property, as they only bought it last year .... unless you paid a huge chunk upfront, Lou?

Gosh, I have just read your whole thread.

You are amazing and he is a fucking bastard.

Hths

Hi Lou

You are doing really well sweetie.

I think if I was you, I would pop into a summer market and get a cheap pay as you go mobile and turn your mobile off.

Give mum, brother, friends, next door the number of the new phone.

Turn your mobile on once a week!

Start cutting this excuse of a human out of your life, that way it limits the pain he can cause on an ad hoc basis and gives you some controll over his messages. Which are peverse, its like stabbing you and then twisting the knife!

Re the vigra, don´t bat an eye on it. Its NOT you, Its HIS guilt!!!! Either that or he is impitent, either way its HIS problem NOT yours :-)

Come on girl you can get through this, you are going to come out of this battered a bit bruised maybe but strong, confident, and gorgeous! You will find some to trust and love again. He on the other hand will probably be lonely, isolated and without love. Lepards don´t change their spots!

Please Please Please go to the STD clinic. I´m sorry sweetie I don´t want to freak you out, but if he has been a serial adulter then you need to be totallt shore that he has not given you something! Please you cannot belive how important this is for you to do on Monday.

"I hope you have a good day and try to relax a little."

His audacity is astounding! What an utter, utter cock end. Oh, and I had the put downs for a few weeks before the affair was revealed. Fucking mind games. Pay no attention.

Xx