please please help

[LouP19]

I have come home and my husband has moved out all of his belongings. Everything, even the garage is clear. He dropped me off after work and said he had to go and play cricket and needed some time on his own. I was distraught and said we needed to talk. Things haven't been right for a few weeks, he has denied somebody else.

All of his belongings are gone. I am shaking. No one knows where he has gone. Married 5 years, no kids. Please please help.

Needless to say, don't dignify his patronising, condescending, self-serving missive with a reply.

He obviously believes he managed to insert the thin of the wedge last night and if you give him an inch now, you know what he's going to take in addition to clearing out what I have no doubt is more than his fair share of the contents of your home.

God, he really is an EPIC TWAT. I think I'll steal that phrase!

I don't have anything useful to add to the excellent posts you've got on this thread but just wanted to add some support.

How about doing something really different with your hair this afternoon? A lot of women I know do drastic hair things when they split up with their partners, I think it must help somehow

Ahhhh pressed to soon!!! That was 2 alcoholics and one narcissist , and even I can't remember being treated so badly. You sound amazing, brave and very courageous! Please take comfort that this must of happened for a reason............you just sound far to good for him and way out of his league on every level.

I know at the moment you can only take it minute by minute, but really I think you have a best selling book on your hands . Would knock 50 shades of grey out the water.

With love and care

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

it is important to deal with our problems and hopefully by talking this will help us realise how to prevent these from occurring in the future.

Whatwhatwhatwhat???!!!!!

You are going to have me and my chutneys back. By me talking and you calmly agreeing with whatever I say, 'we' will not have any problems because I will be able to do whatever I want. You do not exist in your own right, therefore your feelings are an annoying aberration. I am so pleased you're learning not to have them. Prove yourself capable at Relate, and I will move my things back in. Good girl, well done. Remember to be overwhelmed with joy when you find my chutneys in the cupboard. Joy is acceptable, provided it's always about me.

CHANGE THOSE LOCKS!!!!!!

You know he is probably feeling extremely contented and smug with the way things are going right now, judging by that last message. Wanker.

There is definitely something wrong with this man. Badly wrong.

the whole 'dangling the carrot' that if you 'behave' he might, just might, come back...makes me utterly sick. who the hell does this man think he is?

he sounds a little like my ex, who had numerous women on the go, and it was always all about him getting an ego boost. as soon as you tried to make things about you and your needs, he didnt want to know. They're all childish idiots.

"I never ever wanted, or still want, to hurt you in any way,"

So, thought bubble in ChutneyTwat's mind earlier this week: "Hmm, I want to leave LouP and shag OW in guilt-free peace. Let me see, how shall I do it? I know, I'll get her to pay me for the holiday we're not going to have, hire a van, clear the house out, get my chutneys (of course, duh), pick her up from work and tell her we're going to the cricket, dump her in a carpark and let her dad pick her up to come home to an empty house! Job done! Yay, me!"

Afterthought: "Oh, and just in case she's wondering why, I'll just jot down a few things on this piece of paper here to show her where she's been going wrong."

Can I echo teaands last comment - there is something very amiss with him.

The normality of his last text - the way he sounds as if you've just had a little tiff and he spent the night on the sofa - is astounding.

He cheated on you, continued to act as if you were very much a couple all the while planning a full-blown flit with military-like precision. Now he's implying he expects you will get back together (so long as you whistle his tune).

I don't know whether he's evil or completely dillusional but you are certainly better off without.

I tell you, my mind boggles. I literally can't get my head around all this so I hate to think how you're feeling Lou. I was married to a narc and, eventually, you stop trying to work it out - because none of it makes any sense! I hope that day comes soon for you, Lou xx

Yeh, my x is like this. He did that idealise/devalue/discard thing too, he is VILE, refuses to pay maintenance, and yet expects a pot of tea and a chat and criticises me for not being "civilised". He would like me to pretend that he is a great guy and I won't do that. So in his eyes I'm petty, hold a grudge, mentally unstable blah blah blah...

I agree with chocoraisin, the only reason he wants to talk in counselling is so that you understand that he has done nothing wrong (ha!) and he wants to encourage you to think about your 'faults'....

Like Springydaffs, I can assure you that eventually you stop trying to figure out the answers. There does come a day when you no longer care.

Lou, just a thought. Could you still go on the holiday yourself? Maybe bring your mum/a friend?

He is definitely going down the mindgames route. I don't understand him. He rents a removal van, takes half his stuff without even talking to you first, he's cruel and callous, but he's dangling carrots as if you might be able to make a go of it in the future? Is that what i'm reading??

You might not feel like it at the moment but you need to get control back. It will be very hard, but at the moment he is the one making all the decisions.
I was thinking of this on my way into work today, because of the slight similarities with me when i was younger, walking into a home i'd helped make and noticing straight away he'd took his Record Player!! (It was a long time ago ) That horrible feeling as i realised what he'd done. I really feel for you.

When you feel stronger i'd think practically in terms of the house. If you can't afford to stay on there then i would ring some estate agents and get it put on the market soon. It will be the last thing he is expecting - a For Sale sign outside. It will send out a clear message that it's Over.

I would not respond to any texts for the moment. Then i would simply say that if he needs to contact you about the house and legal matters then to text/contact your mum and that you have nothing left to say to him.
Sending you loads of strength to deal with it all.

So by my reckoning, he thinks he shall be back in time to go on holiday. Just who does he think he is? A list of all your faults. Telling you to go to counselling and if you are a good girl and behave. Without questioning him or his actions. You may well get him back.

There is not a planet far enough away, to tell him to fuck off to surely? I've never, ever heard of such a total fuckwit. To the point that one does have to wonder if he has actually pd.

Blimey again. He really is a piece of work isn't he?

Please don't take anything he has said to you to heart - his list of your faults just illustrates what a self-congratulatory tosspot he really is - I'm sure none of it is true. Same with the nasty digs he's made about you recently. In what world could any normal person convince themselves that that's an acceptable way to behave to someone they 'never wanted to hurt in any way'?

I left an emotionally abusive husband and didn't feel the need to read him a list of his bad points!

As for his latest missive, it's all about poor diddums isn't it? Does he really believe you want him back? Despite your views about John Terry?

Did he actually book the holiday then? Is he expecting you to have forgiven him by then and to go on it with him?!

I know you're hurting at the moment and you're still coming to terms with the shock of it all. But like a lot of the other posters I really do believe he has done you a favour by leaving so dramatically. I also suspect that he expects to come back home again and the counselling is probably a plan to try and talk you into agreeing to it while castigating yourself for all your 'faults' and promising to be a better wifey when he does come home.

Please don't contact him and if you can find a way to stop his texts do that too.

He is genuinely a damaged, self-absorbed bastard of the highest order. He's got the MN crown for 'worst bastarding bastard I have ever read about'. And seriously, there has been stiff competition in the past - but this guy is a sprint finish ahead

Ignore him until you see solicitor and get really good advice.

I am certain his last text says he's going to move back in, the same way he moved out - and continue to have affairs, which Lou will be expected not to ask about or, indeed, query his actions in any way other than a self-blaming one.

I think you said you'd booked a locksmith for today, Lou? I hope I've remembered rightly. I'm so sorry you're going through this surreal nightmare, and very glad you're supported by fully functional human beings.

at that text. He thinks you are playing right into his hands.

How satisfying it will be when it all come crashing down around his ears.

Tell him to go boil his head in a vast vat of chutney.

Actually - don't. Don't tell him anything. Ignore him completely. Block his number, ignore his emails. Ignore him if he knocks at the door. Cuddle your cats.

As from now, go no contact.

Get a shit hot solicitor and let them make mincemeat of the chutney loving twunt.

Ignore
Rinse
Repeat

I know it's too early for you to be seeing any humour in this at the moment, Lou, but one day you will. Your thread has made me reflect a lot on my own past (somehow I managed to meet TWO bastards - luckily they both did me a favour by leaving...) and I just wanted to share something with you that hopefully will let you know that one day you will be able to see things in a less scary way.

Anyway, anyway, anyway, when bastard no 2 left, he did the whole drama queen 'I'm throwing all my stuff in to black sacks and driving off with tyres squealing and you'll never see me again' thing. I have a very surreal memory which still makes me laugh now - I was standing in the hall, his stuff was literally everywhere and he was shouting. I said, genuinely bewildered, "but why aren't you using your suitcases?" I didn't laugh at the time but that one still makes me howl with laughter 4 years on. The best one, however, was after he left, I (like you did) walked round my house to see what was left. I opened the bathroom cabinet and, sure enough, shampoo, soap, toothpaste, the lot was gone (he must have thought 'Ha! Now she'll see how horrible she was, I even had to take the colgate'). Then I noticed something still tucked in the corner that he hadn't seen. I put my hand in, pulled it out and.... it was a tube of haemorrhoid cream.

The thought of him driving off like (in his head) the hero of some psychological thriller/war film and then lying in bed on his first night of freedom (i.e. with the OW in the next village) thinking 'What a big man I am but, fuck me, my arse really itches' still makes me absolutely weak. I'm laughing now just remembering!

I know it's too early for you to be thinking things like this but I just wanted you to know that one day you will feel happy at the lucky escape you've had. x

Agree, don't contact him and don't respond.

His self-absorbedness is breathtaking.

I am murderous on your behalf.

Oh yes, he's fully expecting that you'll be so glad to have him home that you'll jump at the chance and agree not to bring up his behaviour!

Astounding arrogance.

Hope you are OK and bet your hair looks fab now that you have washed that man/ maggot out of it.

How about you text him and say: "Why are you texting me as if we have had minor row? You have LEFT me. You have taken all your belongings.

Please only contact me through my solicitor, you fucking CHUTNEY RUSTLER"

All tho swearing at him might count as an entry on the narcissistic list of doom I suppose..

Keep your chin up, Lou, thinking of you xxx