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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

please please help

1000 replies

LouP19 · 01/08/2012 20:12

I have come home and my husband has moved out all of his belongings. Everything, even the garage is clear. He dropped me off after work and said he had to go and play cricket and needed some time on his own. I was distraught and said we needed to talk. Things haven't been right for a few weeks, he has denied somebody else.

All of his belongings are gone. I am shaking. No one knows where he has gone. Married 5 years, no kids. Please please help.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 04/08/2012 05:07

Tempting as it may be, forget about attending any counselling session with him because he's looking to perform in front of a new audience.

Don't give him any more oxygen; no contact is the way to go.

Get yourself a rottweiler good solicitor and make it clear to him that henceforth all/any communication between you will be in writing..

LouP19 · 04/08/2012 05:57

Thank you all. Appreciate it all again, and I'm hearing loud and clear 'disengage'. Problem I have is he said 'I'll book the counselling session and let you know when it is'. I then gave him a couple of potential days and asked him to let me know when he'd done it. At the meeting with him I said I wanted to go to the session with him. So in a way if he books it now and I don't go, does it give him more ammunition? Therefore, do I need to text him this weekend and say 'Do not book any counselling session'. Just so this isn't something he can blame on me as well?

On another note, here I am, approx 4 hours sleep. Suppose that's better than nothing. It's sinking in now that bar an earth shattering miracle my marriage is over. This, amazing as it seems, is reality.

OP posts:
Cartagena · 04/08/2012 06:05

Hey, remember, it is not about him anymore, it is about you, you don't need to worry about inconveniencing him, not after what he has done.

Relate, more often than not, has long waiting lists so it may be a good few weeks before you get an appointment, si just forget about it, things may have changed a lot by the time the appointment arrives. I wouldn't be surprised if neither of you are interested in attending it by time you get it, considering how quickly things are moving.

Babylon1 · 04/08/2012 06:14

Hi LouP19

I've just pm'd you!

Well done for getting some sleep - you'll feel better for it and be much more able to clearly focus on the important stuff.

Let your mum look after you for a few days and take things at your own pace Smile

MadAboutHotChoc · 04/08/2012 06:21

Say nothing about counselling, do not reply to his texts. After his latest display of fuckwittery, he deserves NOTHING from you.

Leave him to it.

Chubfuddler · 04/08/2012 06:25

You've spent so long tip toeing around this cunt it still seems natural to do it, doesn't it? He's changed his mind about being your husband and fathering his children. You're allowed to change your mind about a poxy counselling session. Say nothing to him for now. If and when he contacts you to tell you the date just text back "thanks but I've changed my mind about joint counselling". That's all you need to say. Your days of accounting to him are over.

LouP19 · 04/08/2012 06:29

I'm going 'home' this morning and going to tell the neighbours who're attached to us. A couple across the road know because they're looking after the cats - her initial advice was we'll keep it quiet, but after seeing him yesterday I would like the people in the house next door to know just so I don't feel so alone or vulnerable (again, I'm lucky, they're lovely people) and so they can keep an eye on the house when I'm not there. They will have heard him shouting at me for the last few weeks, so they probably know more than anyone right now what I've been through.

Having my hair cut this afternoon. Last time I went my hairdresser told me how her husband walked out and left her when their baby was 6 months old. I was appalled. And now look at the story I've got to tell her too,.... Jesus, this isn't happening.

OP posts:
mummyinspain · 04/08/2012 06:45

well Done Lou, You held you head up and didn´t let the barstard see you cry, that is brilliant and in a while you will be proud.

Now I am afraid is where things get easier and harder. Get ready for the solicitor on Monday, I would start another list of things you need to know.

So things like
Can you file based on an admission of infedelity?
What is the position re settlement?
Re the house?

Next you need to book an appointment at the STD clinic (sorry sweetie but you simply MUST do this) take your mum or a friend, tell the clinic why they will be lovely, gentle and sympathetic but you have GOT to protect yourself. Go NOW as soon as you can, that way Heaven forbid that anything comes up it is contempary to his admission.

The cats are going to be totally fine.

Deep breath, and look to your RL friends who can give more practical help than we can.

OH and just for the record STDX is a Twating C*nt.

ItWentThatWay · 04/08/2012 06:48

You have done brilliantly, there's not many women that would have kept their hands away from his throat! What an absolute cock he is!

I echo what the others are saying about counselling, don't go, he will only use any contact you have as a way of pulling you down, as you have see with 'the list' !!! None of that cock and bull is true. All you need to say is "there's no need for counselling as I don't want you, my solicitor will be in touch"' that will floor the bastard.

I would have thought it would have been incredibly hard to recover from the way he left even without an OW, let her have him, that's the best revenge, I doubt it will last.

You are amazing and will find a nice guy who is worth of you x

balotelli · 04/08/2012 06:56

LouP you are obviously a very strong person, with a nice laugh. Grin Though it may seem like a very dark and grim place at the moment you will come out of this stringer and happier than you could ever imagine.

You are so much better off without this twat. He can blame you all he likes but at teh end of the day there is never an excuse for what he did. No matter what you did to him. If he didnt like it why not say something and do something about before sneaking off to shag some floosie behind your back, no doubt lying through his teeth to her too.

FWIW I was where you are 15 years ago. After 15 years of marriage and two kids my exDW ended our relationship after shagging her sisters fiance and my mate for 6 months. It was of course all my fault. Apparently I was toooooo nice and gave her tooooo much freedom!! I was literally suicidal and with the help of my GP and her family (they disowned her and were awesome to me.... still are) I made it through the worst period of my life but now i could not be happier with the most amazing DW ever.

You will be happy again. You will laugh again. You will trust again.

Keep strong. Look after those cats. Make sure you dont olose that nice laugh.

mummyinspain · 04/08/2012 06:56

Hey, Yep tell the people next door so you feel safe.

Have a nice time at the hair dressers, maybe try something new, that you have been wanting to do but worried over what STBX would think?

Be kind to yourself. Put his list of critisms out of your mind and fill it with reaffirming thoughts, Eat what ever you fancy, drink lots of water and let your friends help you see what a wonderful person you are.

xxx

LouP19 · 04/08/2012 07:11

Thanks again. I am astounded by everyone saying how strong I am, I don't feel it at all. I feel like I'm acting at the moment, because it's the only way I can get through it - almost survival instinct. And then every now and again it hits me and I shake and cry. I cannot ever contemplate meeting and trusting someone ever again. And I probably fit into a very undesirable category at the moment - mid 30s, would love a child, and with a unbelievably bad history and non existent self esteem.

When I had my laparoscopy, I was told to wear big pants for a week or so so they covered my wounds. He laughed about them at the time - we both did. And two days after that operation he went to 'London' to remove some very different type of pants off another woman. Fucking bastard.

OP posts:
SittingBull · 04/08/2012 07:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Purpleknickers · 04/08/2012 07:26

Morning Lou I'm glad you managed some sleep, if only a little. I think you should tell your neighbours tell the whole street if you want to, he as no rights in your choices anymore. He lost that as soon as he emotionally left your marriage in April. It's all about you now Lou and what you want, not what he dictates.
Your cats will be pleased to see you, cats can be very perceptive as you probably know so they will smother you with furry hugs today. One day at a time Lou small steps and you can do this.

Big hugs x

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 04/08/2012 07:45

God Lou, what a hideous shock. Words almost fail me...

The man low-life is so SELF-SERVING. Did he even apologise?

And why a receipt for the holiday? Does he think you are still both going? Or is he taking the unfortunate OW?

One thing that stands out - he seems very anxious about who knows...all the more reason to broadcast the news, I'd say. Is there anyone whose good opinion matters to him? Anyone he respects? At all?

The other posters are right to say he is trying to make this look like your fault. And it is all so calculated.

Yes, I would let him know you no longer wish to attend a counselling session with him.

Get down to a solicitor pronto, and let the next communication he gets be a letter from them.

BE GLAD YOU ARE NOT GOING TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH THIS PERSON.

EchoDragon · 04/08/2012 07:46

Lou I just wanted to say that your strength and dignity over the last few days has amazed me. When you need to you are holding it together so well. Use your mum and all the support you get on here.

Your mantra should be " I am an amazing strong woman, I am supported and valued, I deserve better than him"

He on the other hand is an obnoxious, whiny , chutney stealing, selfish little prick.

As others have said ignore him, cut him out of your life, move on rebuild yourself n your life. Tell yourself every day you are worth millions of him and hold your head high. Every time you doubt yourself post on MN. Let us all tell you how amazing you are.

LouP19 · 04/08/2012 07:47

Another thought, he said to my Mum in a text he'd committed a 'series' of unforgiveable mistakes. That isn't just one affair, is it? This woman has probably caught his eye more than others, but it definitely says to me he's done it before. Which yesterday when he saw me he denied.

Last summer when he told me he didn't want to have children. That will have been someone else, on the scene, him evaluating the relationship. Or him at least thinking 'I'm sleeping with someone else, and the most inconvenient thing for me would be you falling pregnant'. He told me about 2 months later he'd 'come round to the idea' and was ready to try again. He said this in the most casual way, like he was saying he wanted cornflakes, not weetabix. After putting me through hell for 2 months.

Interestingly my brother said he saw him last year with a young woman, on a weekday, in a shopping precinct. I asked him about this yesterday and he was it would've been a PhD student, and what on earth was the problem with that. Jesus, it is all SCREAMING at me now. This was apparently in late Autumn, so indicates there was someone else last year. He was ok at Christmas, so maybe that fizzled out, someone else appeared by Spring and it was then he started to realise 'This is who I am' (i.e. serial adulterer).

And the woman in the photo from Italy. It's HER at the moment. I know it is. I asked if he'd faked business trips with his current squeeze and he said 'no, but I have extended trips and she's joined me'. It's HER right now, she was stood bare foot in what looked like a hotel room. He said the photo was taken in a restaurant. How do I stop my brain chewing over this, it's total agony.

OP posts:
margarethamilton · 04/08/2012 07:56

Dear Lou

I am as shocked as everyone else in reading this. The list literally made my mouth drop open this morning when I read it. God, his parents must be proud of the 'man' they've raised... You've had a lucky escape, believe me. This man will never be happy.

FWIW ten years ago, I was in a similar position. Early 30s, happily resigned to living as a single woman, I thought that was it for me. But do you know what? We're not 'undesirable'. My new found strength and confidence became a really desirable asset and so will yours. I found I had less than a 1% chance of conceiving. I'm five years married to a truly stunning man (a real man btw who just makes me look back on the knob I was with with incredulity!) and on the brink, literally, of giving birth thanks to some very clever fertility experts. Things work out, honestly.

This man is a chutney smuggling little cunt. Get a really good solicitor. I bought mine flowers and took her out for a drink after, she was ACE! Get a great new haircut today. Do what you like with the house but create a little home for yourself somewhere - it makes such a difference to get into bed at night on your own and feel happy, secure and comfortable. Give those cats a massive hug. Your family sound amazing - use the support they are giving and will continue to give. I had counselling via my fertility centre for a different issue. I would recommended this as you can speak to someone on your own terms, not his.

Please believe me, you will be fine, more than fine.

Take care xxx

bringbacksideburns · 04/08/2012 07:56

You owe him nothing. Fuck his counselling session!!! Text him you want no part of it. What will it solve? How will it help you? The presumptious bastard.

Please listen to an old crone like me - do not engage. Get your cats and leave him to it. Do not share a house with this tosser so he can continue to treat you in this way, coming and going as he pleases, lying to you and having it all his own way.

You can't stop going over the details because it hurts and you are in shock. It's torment i know. The best thing you can do is have family round you. Do not sit in that house thinking one moment more about that monumental tosser. You will be constantly reminded of him and he is not worth it.
Drag yourself out to friends, if only to weep and rage on their shoulders.
Let your mum look after you.

I have read about some poor excuses for men/women on here but this takes the biscuit.

ItWentThatWay · 04/08/2012 07:57

Your brain will continue to put the pieces of the puzzle together for a while. It's been a massive shock but things will get better. Just take advantage of as much support as possible.

Unfortunately it's unlikely you will ever have all the answers, often people in these situations never do as you will have to rely on a person who is good at lies and deception for any 'truth'.

Just try to focus on what you need to do at this point, then as you start to feel better, you can focus on the future that you want.

LouP19 · 04/08/2012 07:59

Thank you. Checking out now, want to go 'home' and see the cats and absorb a bit more. Don't want to, but got to.
Thanks again xxx

OP posts:
BadgerFace · 04/08/2012 08:02

Lou, I just wanted to say that I think you have been handling all of this in the most dignified, amazing way. What an unbelievable, calculating cunt (and I don't use that word lightly) he is and he has treated you in the most despicable manner.

It sounds as though, whatever the reasons behind them, he has been treating you badly for some time. Being on and off about children is not how good men act. It must be devastating for you to be dealing with all of this at the same time as thinking last week you were pregnant but if there is an upside to your current traumas it has to be that thank god he showed his true colours before he became the father of your baby.

I am sure that the not knowing will get to you, I know that's what I would find difficult in your position, but I think that the thing to remind yourself is that actually it isn't the details that matter, it's his treatment of you overall and especially the manner in which he left which show the caliber of the man. Upthread someone came up with a good mantra. That is what you should concentrate on.

He is so selfish and cowardly and clearly does not deserve to be with someone as great as you. Take the time to look after yourself and heal. And you will heal. It'll be a long road no doubt but never doubt that you will get there.

EleanorHandbasket · 04/08/2012 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 04/08/2012 08:06

Sorry, Lou, don't know how you can stop your brain whirring away.

I think though, that taking action often makes us feel better...so this weekend you can spend some time plotting your next move, i.e.. finding out who is the best divorce lawyer in town, what your rights are, how much money you have etc

Spend time with friends/family/cats/MN and you will receive comfort.

Oh, actually there is one thing you could try for the brain whirring thing...There is a Bach flower remedy for persistent unwanted thoughts - White Chestnut. Don't know if you have come across these (makers of rescue remedy), but if you look up Bach flower remedies, then you choose the ones you think you need and make a little potion for yourself which you add to water, tea, etc. Just reading the descriptions of the states of mind can help you to clarify what's in your head.

If that all sounds like crap, then just spend time with people you love, drink tea, eat toast and take comfort in the fact that you have actually had a narrow escape!

saffronwblue · 04/08/2012 08:07

Enjoy your reunion with the cats. Don't be hard on yourself - you are dealing with a huge world-turning upside down shock with enormous grace and insight in my opinion. You will find the more people you tell in real life the easier it will be.
Text him - I am following advice not to attend a counselling session with you. My solicitor will be in touch. Don't choke on the chutney.

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