please please help

[LouP19]

I have come home and my husband has moved out all of his belongings. Everything, even the garage is clear. He dropped me off after work and said he had to go and play cricket and needed some time on his own. I was distraught and said we needed to talk. Things haven't been right for a few weeks, he has denied somebody else.

All of his belongings are gone. I am shaking. No one knows where he has gone. Married 5 years, no kids. Please please help.

LouP, I'm not going to repeat what everyone is saying about exH, though it is all completely true. I just want to you know that, yes, he followed the Cheating Bastard script almost to the letter, with a few added extras, but I know that you will follow the Strong, Independent Woman script that often follows.

After my cheating tosspot exH fucked off with OW, blaming me and my shortcomings, I was devastated and completely bewildered, much like you are right now. I didn't know what to do re money, or anything. Family and solicitors were excellent for help and advice here, take what you can get, and use MY solicitor's advice to 'ride his guilt and use it to get as much as you can out of it.' Sounds calculating, but then you have to think of yourself now, after all - he doesn't have the monopoly on self-preservation any more.

I hear you on the counselling, hearing him weasel will strengthen your resolve.

I can assure you that though there will be worse days, better days, and wierd days, in any order, gradually you'll notice that there are more better days. If you can find a lovely little flat to rent (you will be entitled to 50% of everything btw), and make it your cosy home with your beautiful cats, the feeling of peace you get when you are there on your own with no bullshit will be immeasurable. You will begin to feel proud of the way you are rebuilding your life and I promise you one day you will LAUGH about this - the lists, the chutney, the shoddy way he's tried to throw the blame for his cretinous behaviour on to you.

I speak as someone who was 36 with 3 children who couldn't afford to buy a place on her own and had to stay in the marital home with all the ghosts and memories. Mmm what a prospect for any future guy... I was a mess at first, yes, and made an arse of myself with the first guy who came along.

But I promise you, as soon as I got my confidence and independence back I had a few lovely gentlemen callers, the last one of which is curled up asleep next to me in bed and his baby is in my tummy.

It might seem dreadfully bleak right now, but you sound lovely and whatever you might think, the future will be amazing, just you wait and see.
xxxx

You don't have to do anything he wants to do. He's still acting like the person taking the dog to the vets to be put down.... patting you on the head whilst handing you over for euthanasia. What would counselling achieve except more opportunities for him to tell you your alleged shortcomings?

I know that having no children feels like a disaster but what it also means is that you have no ties with this man. You never have to see him again if you don't want to, unlike people who have children together and who maintain contact.

The details and the hurtful remarks will go round and round in your head for a while yet, unfortunately. Stay busy, be with people and give yourself as little time to think as possible in the short-term. Book that appointment with a solicitor when you feel ready.

LouP-if you go to joint counselling here is a few things you can say

Thank you for showing me what a weak cheating coward you are

Thank you for proving my frinds right-you really are a twat.

Thank you for leaving me and saving me the trouble of throwing you out when l discovered (as l am sure i would do) about your affair

Thank you for doing this before l had any DC's with such a weak pathetic creature who would certainly NOT be a good role model of any future DC's

Thank you for allowing me the chance to find someone to spend the rest of my life with who deserves to be loved by me.

Thank you for realising that l wouldn't take you back as l could no longer trust you--you were so right about that.

Thank you for confirming what l already knew--my parents rock!!!!

Thank you for making me realise that l do deserve better.

Thank you and now fuck off. All contact now shall be through email or my solicitor. I don't want to see your pathetic face again.

Thinking about you today LouP x

Lou, as other posters have already said, I think that this man is gonna try and re-write history. The initial flowers, I love you's but i'm hurting, counseling etc smack of a half arsed attempt to make it seem to others that he tried. The fact he took cutlery etc makes me think he's rented a flat to make it seem like he's moved out on his own - so there is scope to blame you for the split. I could be wrong but he seems so calculating and deceitful I believe he wants to paint you as the 'bitch' in his plan.

Please don't go to the counseling, I think that it is just part of his grander scheme, whatever that might be. DETACH and DO NOT ENGAGE.

I would get the truth out there though, why not? he's a scumbag. Horrible individual, he won't change and he'll do this to the next person and the next...

Most importantly you have to look out for you, as others have said and I'm sure your folks will make sure this happens. Focus on the immediate practicalities of getting out of the marriage and away from the tosspot.

I've had a couple of traumatic splits in my life and my family and friends got me through. You will come out the other side of this stronger. Don't let this awful experience ruin the rest of your life, there are lots of lovely men out there who aren't like this and when you have healed from this experience you'll find one.

You are an incredible woman Lou........Sending hugs ((())))

Lou, I have just read this whole thread open mouthed. He is an absolute cunt, to do what he has done to you. I cannot believe someone can be so cold, calculating, manipulative, just an utter disgrace of a human being.

You on the other hand, are amazing. So strong.

I wish I could give you a real life hug. I feel so upset for you, you don't deserve this.

But he will deserve what's coming to him. Karma, what goes around, comes around.

Enjoy your cuddles with your cats :)

Ps. I love your mum! She is amazing, just like you.

Stay strong xxx

So, dickhead of the year award to - your H!

I've read on here that if you divorce for adultery, the guilty party has to pay all costs. Not sure if that is right, but if so, it's worth bearing in mind since he has admitted the adultery. I guess you might need to find out her name, or perhaps that's not necessary?? I'm sure your solicitor will advise you on Monday.

So pleased you have good RL support.

I'm almost speechless that he dragged you to the pub after having (at least one, probably more), affairs and walking out on you while you were supposedly TTC just to berate you about YOUR failings Bloody hell! You've got to hand it to him, he's got the hide of a rhino.

I understand your need to create some kind of closure through the counselling session and if you feel strong enough to carry out your plan, go for it. He's the one so far who's done all the talking. He hasn't listened to you or wanted to hear a word you have to say. In his mind, he's the one who's wronged and been driven to have affairs because of you, so give it to him between the eyes, with a witness there to hear it, if that's what you need to do.

There's no 'closure' in a counselling session. The man in this story can express all the remorse in the world but it won't make the OP feel any better. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that she would leave any session feeling considerably worse. She has been well and truly stabbed in the back and the knife twisted with his 'list' of grievances for good measure. There is no 'karma' that is going to make this man suffer the way the OP has done. There is no adequate come-back. Even a victory in court is a hollow one. He could very easily swan off into the sunset with a successful career, doting new partner, happy family and all the trappings.... many do.

All the OP can do is be true to herself, try to forget this idiot and go on to live a good life.

LouP// It was late at night and I wrote in haste so I forgot to add a few things - such as: It must be incredibly difficult. I really am in awe of how you are holding things together. Already I think your scumbag loser is realizing not everything is going according to his plan.

It is easy for us to say don't talk to him, but in reality it probably is unbelievably hard not to talk to him, especially when he is so actively trying to engage you (I really tried but couldn't!! So you are doing really really really well!!). Just remember, he is probably using you as leverage against OW as well. I'd assume it is along the lines of 'of course I want to be with you but I feel so bad about my wife and I'd be hurting her so terribly and she wants me back and I think I at least owe it to her to give it a try...' blah blah blah. Every time the OW does something he doesn't like, he will be using you as his weapon to tame her. If you completely close that road off, he is stuck with her. When he feels like OW is being demanding, he can't say 'oh I have to talk to my wife because she needs me..' because you won't even answer his calls. He can't do the 'I think I am such a bad person' and run off, because you'd have talked to everyone about his disgusting behaviour.

If you need to talk about what happened, talk to your family, and everyone except for him (DO include the holiday money, chutney, and the 'list'!!! Jeesh, when I read that I nearly hit the roof!! WHAT CHEEK!! He doesn't deserve the oxygen he is breathing in! Never mind deserving you!). You can tell them what happened in gory details and that you are devastated and don't know what to do. There isn't a soul in England who wouldn't be hell-fire incensed with what he's done. Don't feel bad about playing the victim. You can set it up as seeking advice, trying to put the pieces together etc (especially if you are talking to his boss. People say don't. I say go for it. Be the broken-hearted wife trying to make sense of what happened and no one can fault you!). Next time they meet him, they will look at him differently and this will kill him. He will try even harder to engage with you so that he can turn the tide. And if you turn that down saying you have been talking to people and they all seem to agree that it is best you don't talk to him, (hopefully) it really will kill him. New romance with OW won't look so nice and shiny anymore. He will seriously start wondering if he made the right choice. Again and again he will be wondering whether he was wrong to leave you, and what he has done, and whether you will take him back again. This is exactly where you want to leave him.

So if you feel the need to talk, write here, talk to everyone else, just not him! Every time you talk to him you make him stronger, give him weapons he can use for OW, and he thinks he is still in control.

But above all, good luck. Everyone is on your side, rooting for you. Everyone thinks you are incredibly strong and dignified. And you can thank the heavens that this happened before you fell pregnant!

Love

I read this thread on Wednesday, I was utterly dumbstruck and have lurked ever since. I truly cannot believe what your bastard twat of a husband did. I know people keep referring to it, but CHUTNEY and CUTLERY FFS!? I tend to lurk on this board, rather than post, but rarely have I seen such a calulating, twisted and downright despicable man - clearing everything, literally everything, out really was low and cruelly manufactured to hurt you in the worst possible way. Now the meeting where he details your 'faults'? Sorry to be crude, blunt and possibly cause you a little hurt, but I'm sure it was all your 'faults' that caused him to stick his dick into these OW. Yes, of course it was - TWAT!

His suggestion of counselling? I would have serious reservations - it is not a good idea. Part of me thinks he would use it to get the easy way out with blame, as others have suggested. But, part of me actually wonders whether he is trying to keep his options open and goad you into fighting for him - wow, what a prize dick he really is...

I have never been in the position you are, but you are getting fantastic advice and help from people who have. It seems like your eyes are well and truly open, and that you are seeing that this 'one' OW is probably the latest in a long line of OW. You are being very perceptive and, rather than try to believe the web of lies he is continuing to tell you, you are coming to your own, far more stark, conclusions.

You are an incredibly strong woman and it appears as though you have fantastic support from your family. You also come across as a bloody lovely woman; someone who deserves the very best, not this cheating excuse of a man. Much love, I am sure you will go through a range of emotions, not least of all grief, when the shock subsides. Keep talking, both to support in real life and here, and there will be plenty of people to hold your hand when you feel like you're faltering x

Jeez Lou, another one that is speechless and also enraged on your behalf.

I am also on Derbyshire, and if you ever actually want to meet up, with other poster up thread to either talk and rant or just have coffee and distract yourself, just PM me.
I haven't said much on here but have followed your thread and your dignity through all this shines through, although I wouldn't be suroprised if you didn't feel it.

Take care, you deserve so much better than to be treated like this. People show their true colours one way or another, and his are obviously sludge coloured.

xx

Lou. I am so in awe of you. Your ex is clearly one who sneaked in the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
I'm in Brum if you need owt PM me.
I too have had a laparoscopy and I went for the full on Bridget Jones in Grandmother Beige.

I feel sorry for the OW she must be deluded into thinking ChutneyBoy is some kind of catch.
Onwards and upwards girl. Keep that dignity and use it as a shield.
All of MN is behind you and we will form the mental armour that will get you through this

20,000 or so women is one hell of an army!

Give everyone you come across every little detail Lou. Hell, take out an ad in the local paper!!! This bastard is still following a script - Fifty Jars of Chutney? - that he wrote some time ago. Proved by his question about who you have told, the meeting complete with his list, and the suggestion of joint counselling. All designed so that he can come out of this as financially secure as possible, and as the poor sod who tried every way to save his marriage, but was thwarted by the actions of the beautiful, strong Lou. He doesn`t seem to realise that these are things that should have been done BEFORE he became embroiled with the OW, and BEFORE he took off like a bat out of hell, rattling his jars and shaking his cutlery, if he had wanted to stay in his marriage.

I will be thinking of you later, when you go back to the home he violated. That will be one of the hardest things you will have to do. Always remember though Lou, that despite the awful place that you are in right now, you do have choices, regarding whether you want to stay there or move away, when the time is right. You now need only to think what YOU want to do, although I would again caution making any decisions just now. In your situation, I fought to stay because my DC`s loved their home, and needed that stability, at least, when everything else was falling apart.

Much love to you Lou.

I'm pretty new on MN and like everyone else I've been reading this thread with absolute horror and disbelief. I agree with all the opinions of your heartless husband, so won't repeat them here. Lots of excellent advice too.

My marriage ended a few years ago when my husband left, after a series of affairs. It was almost the exact opposite of the way yours went - kind of in slow motion, as he had a broken leg so was trapped in the house for six weeks while our marriage vanished before my eyes. So I had plenty of time to ask all my questions and hear all about my own faults. I still experienced the disbelief, shock and trauma that you describe so vividly. I couldn't eat, cried every day for about a year and found it very hard to continue living in 'our' house (but I did, for my DCs sake).

I know you can't see why we all think you're being strong, but you really are. I couldn't have sat in a pub without either screaming or throwing up in those circumstances, I admire you hugely for holding it together in his presence. He must have been shocked at your apparent coolness too, but not half as shocked as he will be at your refusal to engage with him at all.

Anyway, for what it's worth here are a few things that I found out when I was in similar circumstances, which might be helpful:

• Writing it all down as it was happening really helped - although actually that's what you're doing on here isn't it? No MN in my day, just a notebook!
• Buy new bedclothes, bedside lamps and pictures for the bedroom today.Be glad that the bastard has already taken all his stuff, so you don't have to look at it
• Don't worry too much about weeping in public - nobody ever stopped me or asked me questions.
• Ditto with not being able to eat, bizarrely your body doesn't seem to need food when it's in crisis mode. I lived on Earl Grey tea for about 2 months and ironically returned to the size 8 that my DH had always preferred.

Oh - and like other posters, I can assure you future happiness really is possible no matter how incredible that seems to you at the moment. I found it three years ago with my wonderful new partner who is everything that my husband wasn't. You WILL laugh at chutneygate in the future x

Lou, he would use the counselling to justify to himself why he did what he did. It wouldn't be for you but for him, do you see? I don't think it is good to hear any more about your 'faults', it just is best your attention doesn't go there iyswim. You need to concentrate on the good things about yourself at a time like this. I think he will lay the boot in big time in a counselling session, probably under the guise of the nicest, kindest, longsuffering bloke who just couldn't take your 'faults' any more, even though he tried.

You may have faults but we all do. What he has done and how he has behaved is in a whole other league, I hope you can see that. Anyone could pick anyone apart citing their 'faults' as a means of justification for doing the dirty.

Counselling will help you to process this godawful body blow - which was entirely his doing btw, nothing to do with you (just need to spell that out because in the shock and confusion you could lose sight of that). Counseling a million miles from him btw. He has been abusing you for a while re the bombshell announcement about not wanting kids, then chiding you for 'spoiling the day'. The toing and froing re having children. He has been unpicking you emotionally and psychologically. He was desperate to see you only to lay it all out why he 'had' to do what he has done.

He is a chilling individual and I hope it won't be too long before you see that he is radioactive and to be avoided at all costs. It is so hard to come to terms with something as vicious and brutal but you have your lovely family, friends, MN in its entirety and you have yourself - who, though you don't see it right now, is facing this with tremendous dignity. YOu have a lot of strength.

Go easy, take it a day at a time, cuddle your loyal cats. You will get through this vicious thing and, I would bet, because he is such a poisonous individual, your life will brighten quite quickly now he's out of it. Keep going sweetie xx

"I need to know how many people you've told"

Hah! Think you have his Achilles heel right there! You could have loads of fun with that one.

So, let me get this right, he thinks that because you thought John Terry was a cheating scumbag, he was justified in leaving you in the way he did by clearing out the house?

He's delusional.

geeeez...................I had an ex who dumped me with a character assassination. I feel for you OP. It's the most incredibly hurtful way of finishing a relationship. It didn't just leave me sad, it lowered my self-esteem so badly I sleepwalked into an abusive relationship. And the guy who dumped me trotted off merrily with the moral highground.

The "how many people you've told" thing is interesting. On one level does he know that he can't control how his behaviour is perceived. He can present himself one way to you and his parents and his friends and he can play the role he's cast himself in, but if everybody knows everybody detail, he can't control their reaction to the news. Objectivity could pierce his 'role'.

I honestly think that (1) any counselling with him will leave you feeling worse because that is what he intends and (2) going silent on the sick fucker is the single best way to drive him batshit insane (sounds like he's halfway there already). However dignified and unambiguous you think you're being, anything you say will be twisted into "Oh she dumped me/wouldn't take me back/is begging me to come back". I'm not for one moment saying it's easy, but if you possibly can, don't give him the satisfaction, not even the satisfaction of texting him "Fuck off". The ONLY way to stop him twisting your words is not to give him any.

If it motivates you to stay silent, he and OW will be off to an even rockier start if he doesn't have a fig leaf of an angry response from you. He will be waiting for you to "make the decision". He will text you more emotional crap over the coming days trying to get a rise out of you. HE is the one trying to achieve closure here. Let him stew in a sea of rancid chutney. Remember what a few hours of silence from you did to him on Weds night/Thursday? Imagine how much he's going to lose it if you manage to stop talking now.

Totally agree about telling everyone you know though! Put your talking energy into that and Mumsnet!

On a practical note, it's Saturday and he may still have his chutney-thieving van. If you think it's at all possible he'll turn up at yours for furniture or whatever, can you have someone with you? Keep your cats close! Honestly, this man sounds twisted, I wouldn't put anything past him.

Sending you hugs ((())) and to get through today.

Also John. Fucking. Terry.

This is beyond insanity and out the other side.

Hello Lou.

I'm so glad you are talking this through here and in RL - it will help you keep a sense of perspective. I can only speak for myself here but in a similar situation myself last year, after 20 years of marriage, the ONLY thing which worked for me was to go no contact. And I mean NO contact.
So:

I engaged a solicitor the day after he went and filed for divorce for unreasonable behaviour which includes adultery. I was in incredible pain but lets remember the deception isn't all about OW - it's about those values you thought you shared as a couple, the life goals you thought were about your family together, the trust, respect and caring which are the very fundamental building blocks of a secure relationship.

I phoned the banks, council, all utilities, mortgage company, changed passwords, pin numbers etc immediately and froze the joint bank account and our savings account.

Told absolutely EVERYONE so there was no chance of a history rewrite.

Changed locks.

Took him off my car insurance. Changed my will and my death in service pension within two months (yes, I really meant it even though I still loved him).

Blocked his emails, never read any of his texts, never answered the phone to him, never listened to any messages, never responded to ANYTHING until-

We went to mediation. Then I let him have it.

Last week i moved into a lovely little house with my DD and our two lovely cats. I have the financial settlement I wanted. None of my ex's plans have come to fruition.

I neither know nor care how he feels about what happened. I neither know nor care how he feels about me.
I do know that having had the rug pulled out from underneath him by me was the very last thing he expected.

Indifference to your H's thespian tendencies is the best way to communicate what a twunt you now know him to be.

Don't pity him, don't try and understand him, don't accept his manipulations. The potential here for you is immense.

i wish you all the best and will keep lurking.

Great post, muckingfuddled.

ps, really agree with Springydaffs, that he would walk in to counselling to present himself as a longsuffering niceguy you TRIED to live with all your faults. He wants a BLESSING for his driveby character assassination. he wants a fresh start but without the niggling conscience! And if he re-writes history and enough people listen to him talking, he can have it. So agree agree agree, don't give him oxygen.