please please help

[LouP19]

I have come home and my husband has moved out all of his belongings. Everything, even the garage is clear. He dropped me off after work and said he had to go and play cricket and needed some time on his own. I was distraught and said we needed to talk. Things haven't been right for a few weeks, he has denied somebody else.

All of his belongings are gone. I am shaking. No one knows where he has gone. Married 5 years, no kids. Please please help.

Without wanting to be flippant, I've just started laughing. Literally hundreds if not thousands of women in Britain now know everything about his effing chutneys, lists, texts, self-pitying lies, cutlery-thieving habits etc etc. And then for him to say 'how many people have you told?'. Its comedy genius! What a total prat he's made of himself. He's sat god knows where thinking he's so bloody clever writing his bloody list whilst MNers across the UK have been visualizing some sad prick creeping out of the kitchen with his jars of preserves. You just couldn't make it up!

Lou, there is no Olympic sport equal to your heroism in putting up with this fuckwit for as long as you have. You have my utter awe and respect and my very best wishes for a happy future .

I know that when everybody says 'don't engage' you kinda understand, but not really 'feel it'. Because I was the same.

Your husband needs to play out the drama. He desperately needs you as part of it. If you deny him this and cut all contact, he will be wondering what you are thinking, whether he has a chance, what people think of him, etc. With any actual feedback from you, he can then engage you and air his (screwed up) opinions and justify himself. If you swear at him, he will think it was a good thing that he left you and add it to his 'list of your faults'. If you are nice to him, he will feel validated, and come up with even more crap. The best revenge really is not talking to him at all, or just say 'I am sorry you disappointed me like this. I hope you are happy.' Do not give him any satisfaction. He sounds like he cares about what you and other people think. Only by not giving him any access do you make him go through all sorts of worst-case scenarios.

I once made the mistake of engaging with a loser who cheated on me. I screamed at him, found the girl's number and spewed out ugly things, etc. This proved to him that he was right to leave me (since I am such a bitch), and OW consoled him, saying oh you poor baby you suffered so much staying with that horrible woman, whatever.

I had a friend who tried to stop me at that time. She found out her boyfriend was cheating on her, and she simply disappeared. He was dying to find out what happened. When he begged to see her, trying to find out what happened (and how much she knows), she said he disappointed her, the relationship ran its course, and that she hopes he is happy in the future.

Well, a year later, my ex was happily posting pictures with his new girlfriend. My friend's ex was, after three years was still begging her to take him back (she never talked to him again), telling her she's the only one he ever loved.

Your husband needs to know how you are feeling, what you are thinking. You already gave him an indication. Don't give him anymore. Don't listen to him. Don't talk to him. Let him stew. I know it is hard. But it really is the best revenge. Please try.

He wrote a fucking list?!! He's made this a total no brainer for you, if it wasn't already.

Your are brilliant Lou, I don't even know you and I'm proud. You are going to be just fine, I promise. I went through similar crap 12.5 years ago, only with a newborn. Not only did I get to see how strong and resourceful I could be, we got to live our lives unencumbered by a selfish twat. Not all men are like that, that's another promise :)

Thank you. I'm going to try and sleep now, feel totally exhausted. Today I have eaten half an Admirals Fish Pie and a yogurt. So that's not great, but at least it's something.

I'm in the room I spent the first 18 years of my life in. Unfortunately my cats are at 'home', but I want to be with them tomorrow and will try to do that. We have 2 double rooms and I'll obviously sleep in the room that wasn't 'ours'.

Night night, no doubt be back tomorrow. xxx

God but he's a snivelling little prick, isn't he? Oh, my DW is the big bad wolf, I was shocked, horrified I tell you to find out that she... thinks poorly of inadequate cheating knobheads. That's why I can never go back, even though I loooove her so much... She's so scary!

Lou I'm glad you said the posts were helping because upthread I was thinking I just can't think of anything helpful that hasn't already been said a hundred times - like cut him off! Don't let him near you with his deluded lists and cringe-making manipulations!

But honestly, each new snippet of what he's come out with just digs him deeper and deeper into the cesspit of his own making. You have to laugh at him wanting to keep control of who you can tell - for one thing, utterly failing to acknowledge that the abrupt and shocking breakdown of your marriage is a pretty fucking big thing that has happened to you and you can tell whoever you damn well please - and secondly, completely deluded in thinking that he still has a chance to engage in reputation management with whoever does know, when the big central fact of the cowardlymanner in which he left you is all they will need to know to make their own minds up about who broke up your marriage.

You are so dignified and articulate, Lou, I am sure you will get your satisfaction sometime down the line whether it is your pithy cutting statement in counselling or simply enjoying the calm after all his drama has gone away. Please know that we are rooting for you.

I know this is Mumsnet, but I don't care.

You're doing really well despite all the stuff that's been thrown at you.
I have never read such hideous, calculated coldness. Let your friends help along with your wonderful family.
It doesn't sound to me like there was any form of 'insanity' going on.
He's just a total, utter bastard.

Sleep well xx

Me too been reading this as it unfolds.

Me too been in your position.

Me too had a list drawn up - large piece of paper - my 'pros' one side, 'cons' the other. Ironically my pros were a lot longer than my cons

I'm divorced from my arsehohe, cheating little oik. Three years ago I was blissfully unaware of what was going to happen. Time - and love from friends and family - helped me through it.

And it will you, too.

Keep strong - cry, laugh, rage - take each day as it comes and each day is a step further away from him xx

You're amazing, Lou. He is a complete bastarding waste of space. All he's remotely concerned about is coming out of this looking like a nice guy, as opposed to the man who cheated on his partner, cleared all his stuff out without any warning and who makes a list about why she deserved it!!!!!
Use your anger. Do not let him drag you down!

Oh, please please make sure everyone - mutual friends, relatives, the postman - knows about his fucking list. And his chutneys. He is henceforth defined by the list and the chutneys, that's his fate.

So sorry about all of this Lou. I think you did brilliantly to get through the meeting with him and I'm glad that you are with your parents. I've never read any relationship thread as bad as this, I think, for the sheer levels of calculating heartlessness and manipulating headfuckwittage on the part of the unfaithful partner.

I know this won't be much consolation but at least you have found out what he is really like before getting tied up in having children with him.

Don't feel silly about the cats! They are far more deserving of your affection than he is!

I totally agree with all the posters who have said deny him the drama he wants. And don't protect him. Tell whoever you want to.

Hi LouP,

My boyfriend and I are in Cheshire staying with his Mum. I haven't logged onto MN for a few days, but we have read this thread from top to bottom and we are both gutted for you. I can barely believe him!!!!! The list? The running away? The chutney thieving, taking half of what's his??? The telling his wife he no longer wanted children in (yet another) car park and then expecting her to have a nice day out???? That's a pre-marital conversation right there!!!

I am part Leo myself, but this is classic Leo behaviour - mememe. He can leave you like that and then cry for you back almost the very same day????

I think as time unfolds, you will realise that the relationship was held together by your desire for it. ;) Wait and see. Yes this has been a shock, but wait until the shock wears off and then see again.

You need to immediately find a full time job tho....and I'd spend a lot of time hashing it out with people, and also get a journal and write it all out time after time, little things that spring to mind and so on. WRT to fear of the future, I am 37 and my partner is 43 and he is amazing and we met this year Feb and within weeks we were saying 'Where did you COME from???' There is life after man and don't you dare think otherwise. I wonder if once the shock wears off, you will be happier? Sometimes it is good when you split, you don't have to cry if it is actually a good thing once the fear goes...... Just don't succumb to thoughts of 'What now, my life is clearly over.' Let it be a new lease of life, or at the very least a relief from the old life of walking on his eggshells and not being able to have what you want in case he runs away.... Have a baby with a new man.

I think you want a decent mature man to love and be loved by. Sell up, fuck off and let it sink in - you have had a lucky escape. We have all had those. Lucky you, do you get to keep the cat? I have a cat called Petit Animale and when I split with my ex-f, he rubbed my face same as he always did. Good luck, we are thinking of you, but personally I am glad you are out of it and look forward to hearing from you again when the dust has settled. Perhaps you can manipulate some money out of him for that new duvet cover. New duvets are great. No crying in the bed either.

Oh.my.goodness.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It must seem like a bad dream. It is certainly surreal.

Chutney!

My best friend's husband did this too, though not to the same level of fuckwittedness. Chutney and lists didn't enter into it. But he left while she was staying with us for the weekend. She knew things weren't right between them, but had absolutely no idea what he was planning and that he had arranged to leave that weekend. He had suggested she come and stay and talk to us about it all, said it might help, etc. etc. What is WRONG with these men?

She had very very little contact with him after that. For her that was the right thing to do: it made it all less hurtful in the long run.

She was in her thirties, too, they had been talking about ttc, and she ended up being terrified she would never have children. Cut to today: twelve years with her new husband (who is a decent human being, and has never taken cutlery in his life apart from off BA flights), two children, life is good.

You are being amazing. I wish good things for you.

He took the fucking chutney and then he wrote a fucking list?!

I have to say that you are one of the most solid characters I have come across. I want to smooch your face Lou.

This guy is not a man. He's nothing. He took the fucking chutney and he wants to blame you for everything he's done. It was like a perverse supermarket sweep going round your kitchen cupboards.

Stuff his counselling up his arse. Stuff it all. You are better than this.

I have to go on fucking holiday in about five minutes time (fucking camping!) but I will be thinking about you. I'm feeling very protective of you, but mainly proud. You're amazing.

I don't know you but I could already write a list about all your good points.

I hope that he gets the Ebola virus from the fucking chutney.

And btw, you have ruined the word 'chutney' for me for a long time now, although at least it may end up being another way to id MNers in rl.

Chutney, cutlery, nod nod wink wink.

toddlerboymommy has it exactly right, give him nothing, no more info, chats, contact. Its what hes crying out for, well fuck that. Let him feel a scintilla of the gut wrenching misery you felt on your return home that day.

The best revenge really is living well, you will have a great life because you're a great person. He won't.

Lou, I have to add another post as I've had a thought.

He's ticking boxes. He's told his parents you won't have him back. He's told you he 'can't live with you now'. He's arranged marriage counselling despite saying it's over.

He's making it your fault. I don't mean emotionally, I mean legally. He wants witnesses and proof he tried to make it work. He earns, you don't. He wants to leave you with nothing.

I know nothing about how divorces work, but you need to find someone who does, and you need to get some good advice PDQ.

Get angry, steel yourself to it all and take this cuntweasel to the fucking cleaners.

You're doing a grand job, and we're with you all the way.

Excellent point Fairy. That wouldnt have occurred to me until it was far too late. Lou,I don't know how you would be best dealing with this,but I would certainly raise it with the lawyer on Monday. Calculating bastard. He really is. As if he hadn't been enough of a shitey tossbag to you.

It's entirely understandable that you wanted to meet him to talk Lou. We all knew what it would be like but there's no "I told you so" on this board. Of course you wanted to talk to him - barely days ago you were in what you thought was a happy loving marriage with this guy.

Now you have spoken to him you know whee you stand. This man is not the man you thought he was. Whoever he really is doesn't matter, and whatever his deal is you do not need to fix him or help him. For your own sanity you must not try. I beg you not to go to joint counselling with him - so many threads on here where wives have gone to joint counselling with abusive men (and yours is abusive - delivering bombshells in public places then expecting you to play nicely is emotional abuse) who just manipulate the session for their own ends. Yes you need counselling, but not with him. Not even to deliver your set piece - things like that come off well in films. In real life it's just something else for this cock weasel to put on his list. (I am fucking furious on your behalf about his list. Seriously. He lets you come home to a ransacked house, takes money from you for a holiday he knew you wouldn't be taking, admits to an affair and then gives YOU a list of YOUR faults? Christ.)

And I agree with fairy that he is trying to make this your fault. Fortunately fault has no bearing on the outcome of finances on divorce. But he may think it does, and he's definitely trying to make this your fault.

When you're feeling a bit better Lou, you should have a divorce party - these things are apparently becoming quite common. You should have a cheese and wine party and tell everyone to bring a different kind of chutney! If you still have any friends in common who haven't totally disowned the utter shit he might find out quite how many people know exactly what he did know all the details of quite how petty and cowardly he was!

Lou, don't go tonthe counselling session he wants to book, it is not about saving the marriage but just another opportunity he is making for himself to portray himself as a victim and place the blame on you.

The next will sound childish but it will help you to recover faster: if he comes again with the "i'm sorry I'm dumping you but is your fault" turn it around him, tell him you are hearing his stupid bable for the sake of the time you spent tigether but that you feel disgusted about him and there is no way you will take him back even if he came begging back to you. Humilliate him but in an intelligent non emitional way, that will help him ti see that he is not the victim here, but a man who has acted in a despicable way. Then walk off with the head high.

OMFG Lou, I'm so sorry for what you found out.
I actually read your post about the meeting open mouthed and stunned.
How fucking dare he bring a god damn list about you to this meeting, what a selfish, insensitive, fucking heartless, evil cunt he is. I'm so angry at him for you
Lou you are brilliant, how you kept your cool in this situation - WOW! Huge respect to you honey for the dignity and strength you've shown i'd have had to sit on my hands to not tear this list to pieces and make him fucking eat it
Others are right now Lou, you need to cut off all contact with him or he's just going to keep drawing you into his bullshit circus of a life. Get yourself a lawyer and start the ball rolling. Also definitely get the locks changed or at least a few extra locks put on that he can't access. Don't trust him, he's already shown you what he can do chutney for fucks sake so I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to clean out the rest of your house too.

HE is arranging counselling - tell him to fuck off (although I do like the sound of what you have planned) he's just going to use it as an opportunity to blame you again. And Fairy's post above makes a lot of sense too.
If possible, then book your own sessions.
You've had a lucky escape Lou, I hope you realise that. You deserve so much better than this fucking bastard cunt. Stay strong xxxx