please please help

[LouP19]

I have come home and my husband has moved out all of his belongings. Everything, even the garage is clear. He dropped me off after work and said he had to go and play cricket and needed some time on his own. I was distraught and said we needed to talk. Things haven't been right for a few weeks, he has denied somebody else.

All of his belongings are gone. I am shaking. No one knows where he has gone. Married 5 years, no kids. Please please help.

I expect u want to go to counselling in the hope that having someone else there, he might finally fess up and tell all. But if he can lie to u today. He'll lie in the counselling session so therefore its meaningless.
And if u r hoping the counsellor will tell him he's out of order and make him realise how bad he is. They won't. If anything they'll make him feel good about it, cos they'll be impartial and encouraging towards him.
If u think u need counselling, then do it alone. Get back to relate and arrange counselling to help u. Not him.

Bastarding fucker.

How dare he try & arrange counselling for "you both"

He gave up any right to dictate terms the minute he started shagging around & then pissing off with the chutney collection.

He can go to the far side of fuck etc etc

Just re-read what you said earlier

Actually if there is OW and she's pregnant right now I think it's hilarious. Always felt he was a bit scared of it with me, so would be his just desserts if some happy little slapper has got up the duff after a fling

THAT is the attitude to have, he is laughable, pathetic, and a cheating git, you have a fab family to support you, don't have any more to do with him than you absolutely have to, you deserve better and you will find it.

Biggest of hugs, you are awesome and so is your Mum!!

Ramble away on here.

Talking and writing help you get things out even if they sound like rambling. They make things 'click' when you hear/see yourself saying them.

I just... have no words.

Oh no wait! I do! He is an utter bastard lying twisted worthless cunt!

No more contact obviously. NONE of his poxy counselling obviously. It would be pointless. He would be willing you to "fail" at it. He is your enemy. So from now on you are out of his narrative. You can arrange your own counselling.

Really hope you're getting some valium-induced sleep right now. x

PS I know you all probably feel you're saying the same stuff, but to me it is INVALUABLE, because I'm reading and re-reading, and crying, and getting angry, and all the comments are helping enormously.

I can't comment about the counselling just yet, because I don't believe that either (i.e. he'll organise it). But you know if he DOES do it, then I'd love to walk in, hear all his shit for 45 minutes, have the counsellor turn to me and ask my viewpoint, and just deliver some earthshattering cold, factual statement about how I want this man out of my life and nothing he can mutter within these four walls, under this deluded attempt to salvage our marriage, can persuade me otherwise. And there you go, that's what I'd like to do. And then get up and leave the pathetic bastard to stew in just a tiny ounce of the mammouth humiliation he has put me through.

So intrigued as to what on earth he is feeding to the OW. Their relationship is clearly already based on lies, so no great start there. She's welcome to him. Apparently she's a divorcee and he was her shoulder to cry on. That's as far as he got, and it's as much I want to know anyway.

Re: the house, we can't afford to keep it. We moved last year to a bigger house, the mortgage is big. I won't be in it for long, it'll have to be sold. I have fuck all income too. He knows this. He was always saying how happy he was that I enjoyed my part time job. Anyway, I can't remotely think about that at the moment.

This list-making chutney-pilfering cutlery-filching dishonest insensitive lying two-faced cheating man child is what my friends and I refer to as an ET (an Epic Twat, in case you were wondering.)

You are well shot of him, kiddo - that will become clear in time, and eventually you will thank your lucky stars that he removed himself and his ruddy chutney from your presence.

But for now, sink a boatload of gin and then, come Monday, get a good lawyer and stick the boot in.

Well done Lou. You held firm and saw through the lies and attempts to focus on 'your' attributes and the endless keeping doors open.

You know what's happened and is happening. He is in cloud cuckoo land and you have a wonderful supportive mum and your entire future before you. He gets to decide nothing from now. Looking at his actions, his decision making is more than a little flawed.

Do not go to 'his' counselling.

Instead use your RL support and I know all your MN advice and support will be here as long as you need it. Go to your own counselling when/if you want to and make it about him and not for him.

Cats, are quite good listeners too because they aren't prone to interrupting. I bet they don't think you've let them down. You haven't let anyone down. You have acted in the most collected and composed manner anyone could throughout this. Puurrrfect.

I'm so sorry that youve ended up with this outcome. What an utter, utter shit. At least now you know that it is NOT you. He is having an affair - his choice 100%. Words fail me about his 'list'. If nothing else though, he has shown himself up to be a narcissistic, infantile coward. Pleaseu dont pander to him & agree to counselling. You've heard all you ever need to from him.

Definitely do things to change the house - the afternoon my ex left i bought a new coffee table. My friends thought i was insane but i needed to claim my territory for myself. The other thing i did was bin all my underwear and buy myself pretty & new of everything. It didn't solve the hurt but it did make me feel clean and worth something again as a woman.

You have been amazing through this and now you Will be able to have the amazing future you deserve. Tomorrow is your first day of freedom and no-one deserves it more than you!

Lou, you are amazing (as is your DMum) - I have no words to describe him - he is the lowest of the low.

I think the flowers and texts etc and even the way he cleared out his things are his twisted way of trying to justify himself - 'I was hurting but tried to make it as painless as possible for her'

Meeting with you and the list (the fucking list!) to my mind is two things - one, another way to try to show how reasonable he is 'i tried everything', 'she drove me to it' but also his way of trying to keep his options open. In his head, you'll either fall for it (in which case his options are open to him) or you tell him to fuck off, in which case, in his head, you ended things, not him, 'I was trying to work things out', 'she wouldn't work on our relationship'

he's a bastard.

You're doing all the right things, keep you Dmum and DB close, stay calm and strong and keep ignoring the crap he's feeding to you - you'll be fine.

I agree, go to counselling on your own when you are ready. You won't get anything more out of him other than more lies.

I know you have been through a huge shock, I was totally blindsided by my H when he walked out. You will go through every emotion possible. It really is a roller coaster of emotion with good days and bad days

Ignore.
Blank him.
Love your cats, animals are a great comfort when we're upset, and they won't let you down like this pathetic chutney ferret.

Oh Lou, I have never been so shocked. You sound amazing, you really do. I loathe to trot out the worn phrase but it really is his loss. He's in a deceitful relationship, he can't even be honest about that so what does that say for it's chances? He's cold, calculating and has just lost the best thing that ever happened to him.

It frees you up because the real love is still out there for you. He wasn't it. Not by a long chalk.

Chutney? Cutlery?

This list-making chutney-pilfering cutlery-filching dishonest insensitive lying two-faced cheating man child is what my friends and I refer to as an ET (an Epic Twat, in case you were wondering.)

Spot on. I was trying to figure out how the hell even MN could abbreviate that and remember it for next time!

He sounds utterly vile , an emotional bully.
Tell him you were only with him for his Chutney collection, and now the cupboard is bare, you don't want him back.
He has saved you from more awful years. It is hard now but he has actually done you a favour. Your mum sounds wonderful btw, as do you . Stay strong.

Fucking hell. A LIST?! I know I'm a ling way behind at this stage but really,a list. How the fuck can he live with himself,trying to make you be the bad guy in all this. He must have mental issues. He just must.

You are an astounding woman. I'm in Scotland otherwise I'd be more than happy to be your friend. I never say cunt. But he is a total fucking shitbag arsewank motherfucking cunt.

Get yourself lawyered-up to the fucking hilt & take him for everything you can get. Arsepiece. He must be amongst the most hated men in Britain (at the very least) now. What massive support you have here. And well.deserved.xx

Just to add to the chutney madness theme.

I asked why he left in the manner he did. He said that when all the John Terry infidelity malarky was all over the papers he saw how strongly I reacted (I did, I'm like 'what a cock, and why do the women let them do it') and he said that that reaction scared him and made him aware of how strongly I felt about infidelity. Yes, really. He talked about John Terry.

Another indication of his insanity: I'm no expert, but I believe some people have affairs that last for months, even years, don't they? They conceal things for a long time. Or may be they admit the affair and at least try to work through it, whatever the outcome may be. He, on the other hand, has had an affair for 4 months (and I think this is the only affair, because this is when there was a significant change in his character from then) and he has done all this. Moved out like this. Speaking incoherent bollocks all the time. Appeared to have completely cracked. You know, an affair isn't great, but may be sometimes workable through. It is his subseqent reaction that has destroyed the relationship, not necessarily the affair.

Keep thinking about all those weekends away, and breakfast meetings in London. Cunt.

So sorry to hear what he's putting you through. My thoughts are with you.

You've already done so well just to get through the last three days with your wits intact. More quickly than you can think it possible, you will have moved on from this poisonous relationship. I've no doubt in my mind at all that, at some point in the near future, you will be able to look back with nothing more than a faint whiff of regret that you wasted your tears on that utter waste of space.

Think of everything that is out there waiting for you.

I'm speechless. Particularly about the list and booking the counselling session.
How horribly selfish and deluded can one man be??

I would go and stay with my mum. You need some love and support around you at the moment.
Let them help you with what ever happens regarding the house.
What happened with the holiday money - you said he gave you a receipt?

I could not bear to be in the same room as this man.

You look after yourself now. Fuck him.

Not sure it helps Lou, but im in derbyshire, and recently serpareted. If you need anything give me a shout!

Oh my God, feel so awful for you and what you're going through. I'm currently single and thinking, do I have all this shit to come in my life?! On a practical note, have you thought about freezing eggs? Know it's quite expensive but it might be worth it in the long run if you're set on having a family of your own. Think this clown you were with was not father material, as you're probably more than aware of now but know it still hurts nonetheless. Big hugs and well wishes.

Lou I have read this thread and am aghast at your dickhead doubledealing chutney stealing STBX. I am also in awe of your strength and dignity. Wow - I hope you feel really proud of yourself.
You have all the information you need. He is a liar and his affair is still going on. And he is cruel.
If you go to counselling, please don't open up about yourself at all. I love your planned approach. He no longer deserves to know what your feelings are.
I hope you are in bed now with purring, cuddling cats ( and they don't bat your face at 5 am like mine does).

I have just read this whole thread and wanted to add my support even though I haven't really got anything new to say.

This man is cold, heartless and an utter arse. You sound so lovely and deserve so much better. Thinking of you and well done getting through these awful days xxx

Hi Lou,

Been following your thread with disbelief and huge sympathy and admiration for you. What a narcissistic, infantile, cunting fucking wanker of a shit he is. if my DS ever treated a wife like that I'd disown him.

Don't engage with him apart from to take him to the cleaners.

I think you are amazing, I bet most of us wouldn't have managed to be half as dignified as you have been.

When it gets tough, take it a day at a time, if you can't do a day, do an hour. Anyway, you are deffo due a lottery win now, to balance out the amount of rubbish luck you have had ever to meet this worm. Keep strong, you are brilliant, am sending you a huge hug xx