please please help

[LouP19]

I have come home and my husband has moved out all of his belongings. Everything, even the garage is clear. He dropped me off after work and said he had to go and play cricket and needed some time on his own. I was distraught and said we needed to talk. Things haven't been right for a few weeks, he has denied somebody else.

All of his belongings are gone. I am shaking. No one knows where he has gone. Married 5 years, no kids. Please please help.

There is something seriously wrong with this man - seriously wrong. It isn't your job to fix him. Please get as far away from this toxic person as possible. Treat him as you would treat a deadly poisonous snake that is lying between you and the door.

Everything through a solicitor and tell everyone you both know exactly what he has done before he has the chance to paint you as the witch.

Sorry but he sounds a complete nob. You have plenty of time to have children with the RIGHT person.

If he ever dares to bring up his squalid little "I can't go home because Lou would keep bringing up my affair and I can't live like that" argument, feel free to point out that the real reason he can't come back is because you don't want him anymore.

I have to say, though, I do have some sympathy for his parents too. It sounds like they're as horrified by his behaviour as we are, and kudos to his mum for talking to your mum. His mum must feel ashamed and deeply conflicted, and she's not taking the easy route out. She must love you a lot.

Hi Lou,
not much more i can add,have just read your whole thread and just feel so SO sorry for you.What a fucking, fucking cunt of an excuse for a man.

My XH left me with DS 1 year ago after I rumbled an affair with a friend.
He wanted me to go to counselling, it was a waste of time .... purely to make him feel better that he was trying to help me (& my company paid for it!!,bloody cheek). Lou if YOU feel you need counselling book some by all means, but do it for yourself,not to salve his conscience.

Fully agree with all the others say. Do NOT engage at all,nothing,NADA. You are being very strong, you will feel you are on a rollercoaster. You will have terrible days when you cant get out of bed for crying, not eating etc (I can't remember last summer or school summer holidays at all, I have no idea what I did with my DS!).

Everything you do now must be to protect yourself, he is NOT your friend. It is very hard and shocking to treat the person who was your best friend in the whole world as someone who is now acting against you but that is the reality. Keep up the good work, you are doing very well... and your mum is a *

Lou I've been reading this thread almost hoping he was having a breakdown.

Though I'd never wish that on anyone, it seemed the best option.

You will have horrible horrible days but please please be as firm as you are being. You will get over the bad times and I promise you that one day you will be happy again.

He is the type of person who will never be happy.

It amazing how much your lovely and strong personality has come over on this thread. I wish I had the words to make any of this just a tiny bit better, but I don't. All I can offer is sincere respect and a big, virtual, hug.

Sounds like your friends sussed him out a while back then. Don't be embarrassed about that. No-one's going to say "I told you so." They'll just be relieved that you've got out and will be forming a queue to punch his lights out given half a chance.

Just for the moment, can you take some of your art work in the house down, and go and buy new bedspreads/cushion covers and some cheap (but nice) posters/fabric wall hangings to put up so that the house looks like a different environment? Or even move some of the furniture around in different places? I know it's a tiny little thing, but it help might stop some of those emotional triggers being set off. I can't imagine what you're feeling and how hard it is being in that house.

You are doing BEYOND BRILLIANTLY. This will get easier in time.

There are no words to describe how angry this man makes me.

You are amazing and must cut him loose immediatly, what an asshole

Lou, maybe too soon, but to keep busy and make your house feel like your home without so many shitty memories, you could completely change it.. paint, move everything around, change things? it could give you something else to focus on, a new start..

I can't add much to this, but he sounds just like my Grade A Cunt of an ex H, who came home when I was four months pregnant and told me he "could never be the husband you need Emma, so it's best I leave" this coincided with his first affair. I begged him to stay and he did but continued with the affair(s) and if I ever remonstrated with him about ^anything* would say "well I did tell you I couldn't be what you needed".

The farmers market thing rang a bell too. Ex could deliver the most excruciating verbal body blows and then carry on as if nothing had happened and expect me to as well.

No contact is the only way. Don't let him hurt you anymore. I only wish I had done it sooner. You sound amazingly strong and it may not seem like it but it is a good thing you did not have dc with this awful, cold man.

Oh God this is going to be the best thing that could have happened to to you one day soon...you have been living with someone icy cold.he just can't hold it together..he is just not good enough for what you, fairly, want and need.
Totally get the bit about support from anonymous people.
Its your thread to put what you like.only thing I would say is I got a bit jumpy about having put too many identifying details on my thread and had it deleted.if that ever happens to you, make sure you have copied your thread to a word document first...its very validating to reread all the messages understandings and support, especially when you have low moments x

"I don't want to be in my own home"

When faced with a very similar situation many years ago I felt the same way. Big house-shaped memory is very difficult to spend time in, especially alone. I think I spent the next six or nine months travelling, working, anything rather than go home. On the friends thing. They probably will say 'I told you so'. You knew things weren't right so you can't really disagree. And, whilst it puts a serious dent in your pride, it can also be cathartic.

It's all horrible and I'm so sorry you're going through it.

I'm sure your friends will not think 'told you so'. You have done nothing to be remotely ashamed of.

I think many of us do the same, and bury ourselves away when things are hard - it is hard to admit to being unhappy to the outside world, it is a completely normal response.

Totally agree with what brianbennetfan said.

Btw have you changed the locks yet? Please try and do tomorrow - or ask your mum to organise?

Deny him any more access to the cats too. He has forfeited the right to see them.

Well, at least he's left - it's a good start to your hopes of getting a decent life.

What an appalling way to treat you.

I don't want to suggest this makes his behaviour any better, but I think he may well be a mental. Sadly, he sounds not like a normal person having a breakdown, rather someone with a personality disorder. Which is the medical term for Leave the Building. Because It's On Fire.

Nuts, nasty, who cares - he is no longer relevant, you're the important one. Don't take him back. He may (will) try.

I would ask your fert. clinic if they have a counsellor you could talk to. No husband does not equal no children, you know. A lovely baby might cheer you up, but get some space for now.

Oh, and do get in touch with your friends - they will prob be weak with relief he has shown his true colours to you at last and want to do anything they can for you.

I know it sounds daft me going on about the cats, but to me they were OUR children. We adored them and I'm so hurt for THEM too - the liar cheated on THEM. We always used to say they were our family. So I totally agree about the whole 'good job you didn't have a kid' comment, because nothing would've stopped him. On Friday we thought I was expecting, he was planning this. Jesus Christ. It's like my body sensed it and got rid of it, my body saved me from him in a way.

You're right about the personal info, I'm sorry, I keep typing and not really thinking, so thanks for the heads up.

Tonight has at least give me 2 very important answers 1) He's having an affair and 2) He's STILL lying. So even though it tore me apart afterwards, I'm glad I went. I held my steel, walked away and then burst into tears once I was round the corner.

Another thing he said was 'I need to know how many people you've told'. Again, covering his own back, protecting the 'such a nice guy image'. I replied it's non of his business. I'm sorry, I'm rambling again.

The really pathetic thing about this sad sack of a man is that it is all so completely predictable, down to his list of plusses and minuses (devaluing you). And lying about staying with his parents. And his incredibly see-through attempt to buy the affections of the cats. Silly, stupid...

Yes he is with the OW. No, it is not over.

He is living in a self satisfied little bubble all on his own. He is a seriously messed up little man. You are well shot.

And tell us that NO you will not be going to that counselling , please.

Paint, new cushions, a big bunch of nice flowers, new bedding (very important), new towels, and carpet cleaning will help a bit in the house. You could ceremonially burn something symbolic of him in the garden.

A shit hot lawyer is the new man (or woman) for you.

you need to make a list that you can hand to him to read-it starts and ends with the words:

"You are a cock"

Regarding changing the house, my friend has just moved her furniture around, bought a new suite (second hand) and is painting each room as and when she can afford it.

I've just bought myself a lovely duvet cover and a new duvet. It really brightened up my room and makes it much lighter in there too.

Little things can really make a difference.

Please dont let him mess you around. I begged my H to come back and tried to address all his issues. I was in shock really. He just treated me even worse....

Aha -- needs to know who he shouldn't bother trying to convert to his view of things?

His own image is what the counselling is all about too of course.

Just to repeat - given your last post - tell everyone you know exactly what he has done.

Lou, I've been lurking, but just wanted to say that I am utterly shocked by this so I can only imagine how you feel. I'm enraged on your behalf. You have been so strong through this, it's amazing. I agree with the others who say that you should not pander to this counselling scene in this film of his life he has cast you in. I would get counselling for yourself. And because I'm so thin-skinned, I just wanted to say, please don't think about his list of your faults (as I probably would!) just remember that nobody is perfect, and his logic and reasoning are so very twisted. Big hugs to you, Lou!

I need to know how many people you've told

Does he think it would go unnoticed that he'd moved out every single one of his possessions, has been having an affair for months, and then moved out? FFS.

You're not being daft about the cats, they are part of your family.

Sorry - my post was ambiguous. I think you should tell everyone you both know, exactly what he's done. I think you may find many of them will not be as shocked as you think. He's such an arsehole, he won't have fooled them entirely.