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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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please please help

1000 replies

LouP19 · 01/08/2012 20:12

I have come home and my husband has moved out all of his belongings. Everything, even the garage is clear. He dropped me off after work and said he had to go and play cricket and needed some time on his own. I was distraught and said we needed to talk. Things haven't been right for a few weeks, he has denied somebody else.

All of his belongings are gone. I am shaking. No one knows where he has gone. Married 5 years, no kids. Please please help.

OP posts:
FlatCapAndAWhippet · 03/08/2012 19:31

Just horrific, what a disgusting coward!

FrankieAndArthur · 03/08/2012 19:40

Hugs and best wishes x

Kaloobear · 03/08/2012 19:40

I hope you're ok OP. That sounds ridiculous I know, but I really do.

BrevilleTron · 03/08/2012 19:59

Lou make sure you look FABULOUS when you go out. It adds to self confidence.
All the luck in the world

quietlysuggests · 03/08/2012 19:59

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chubfuddler · 03/08/2012 20:29

I hope you're ok. I hope he hadn't tried to blame you. I hope you haven't begged him to come back. Stay strong Lou. You deserve so much more than to be treated like this.

skyebluesapphire · 03/08/2012 20:30

I hope you get the answers you need. I agree, I'd rather know the truth than imagine stuff. At least then you know what you're dealing with.

Please don't make any decisions tonight, no matter what he says.

Good luck

SittingBull · 03/08/2012 20:39

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Leverette · 03/08/2012 20:41

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IvanaNap · 03/08/2012 21:03

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Jellykat · 03/08/2012 21:34

I keep popping back to see if you've updated and are ok..
God i really hope you are Lou.

dondon33 · 03/08/2012 21:58

I keep popping back to see if you've updated and are ok..
God i really hope you are Lou.

Exactly what Jelly said

Xxx

HighJumpingHissy · 03/08/2012 22:00

Another one here that has just seen your thread, and wanting to say how much in awe I am of your strength. I am so deeply sorry that you are going through this horrendous pain.

Thinking of you and hoping that you are OK.

LouP19 · 03/08/2012 22:05

Hello, clocking in, back at my parents.

Affair since April. Tallies with his mood changes (I've been telling everyone he hasnt been nice to me since 'late Spring'.). He says it's over, I asked him this again, and he put his head in his hands and said 'no'. So of course I don't believe that piece of shit one iota.

Then said he didn't want to discuss the details of the affair because 'it wouldn't be much use'. Then got a list out of his back pocket of my (yes MY) good and bad points. My good points, in case of any of you are interested, is I have a nice laugh, I'm kind to animals, I'm a good homemaker, I'm funny. My bad points were,.... well, needless to say, much longer, more detailed. I was then told that this is what he was there to discuss, not the affair. To be honest, I gave nothing away, just sat, talked calmly, looked at the list and agreed with some of the points, said it was 'useful', but that I could equally have made one too. He was clearly BLAMING me for his actions, even though he said he wasn't. He said 'I love you very very much, but am realistic about our chances as I know you'll never forgive. I can't come home because I know you will bring it up and I can't live like that'.

You get the gist. Oddly enough he says he's going to book a counselling session for us next week, and that he'll let me know when it is. So, other woman is on the scene, he's keeping every option open. And very very clearly lying to her too. Meeting me at 4.30 means his evening is free and doesn't look suspcious. And if he does leave me then he's taking every possession he owns so in effect he's paved his way.

When I think back now, there have been so many weekend and nights away that always seemed 'one too many'. That always didn't feel right. I queried, I was unreasonable, I was being needy. I had a laparoscopy in May to investigate infertility. He took 2 days off afterwards to 'look after me', but ended up 'having' to go to London on the night. He was horrible to me when I got upset.

When I got home I just cried and cried and cried. He wanted to come in and drop some cat food off. I said no. He then gave me a bag, which contains expensive cat food, a 'I love you card', and a DS Puzzler game (my favourite). And a receipt for the holiday.

Fucking bastard bastard cnut. He then said he was going to his parents this weekend when there was no indication in his car of a packed bag. Really, the lies are just going to come and come. And THEN he rang him Mum on his mobile and said he was setting off. The call was brief, sounded fake, he was FAKING that too. My Mum spoke to his Mum today and they had no idea he was stopping with them.

I had a massive massive cry, spoke to my brother (odd this, never been that close, but he is seriously outraged and been giving brilliant advice) and has said CEASE all contact now. And I will. If he gets a counselling appointment then I'll go for ME.

Thank you thank you thank you. I wish I could meet you all in a pub and give everyone a massive hug. My life right now has been torn apart. And when I left home again I just burst into tears on the cats because I love them and feel I'm letting them down. Christ, it can't get any any worse that this.

OP posts:
IvanaNap · 03/08/2012 22:07

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herethereandeverywhere · 03/08/2012 22:07

Have been following your thread OP and agree with the wise words of all who are supporting you on here.

I just wanted to say that I really wish my mum was like yours. You're so very fortunate in that regard, you really are. Please draw strength from the fact that she's your rock, no matter what.

Figgygal · 03/08/2012 22:13

I saw thread earlier but didnt feel I could comment until now tell him to shove his counselling up his arse!!

He tries to tear a strip off u by criticising u and pointing out where u can improve/change when he's done what he's done......unbelievable!!!!!

HappySunflower · 03/08/2012 22:14

He had a LIST? Shock
How DARE he.
I have never met you yet I feel oddly protective of you.
I agree with your brother. Cease contact. Block his number from your phone, and only communicate via solicitors.

What an arsehole. Angry
You deserve so much better, and- you know what- you can DO so much better than him.

HighJumpingHissy · 03/08/2012 22:15

I second what herethereandeverywhere says. having a mum like yours is a godsend. having siblings too that have your back are worth their weight in gold.

You won't be able to see this now, but I promise you that one day, and not too far off, you will see how this all happened for a reason, and that you will be happier than you have ever been. You won't believe me now, I know, but I promise you, life will be wildly better for you than it ever was with him. Take peace and solace in this, it will help you calmly navigate what lies ahead.

I agree with your DBro btw, cease all contact. Get the money back from the holiday, or get him to reimburse you as he took that money and booked it KNOWING you wouldn't take it.

((((hug))))

Xales · 03/08/2012 22:19

Wow what a fantastic man. Not there to discuss his cheating lying arse. There to discuss your massive list of flaws and faults.

There is no intention of coming back to you the 'Lou wouldn't have me back now is complete pity party feel sorry for me please' manipulation.

If you want counselling book it for yourself without him.

There is absolutely no point in you going along to any counselling session he books. It is to keep you dangling on a string that there is a tiny hope that he will change his mind and so that he can say to everyone else 'we tried counselling, I tried, it didn't work'. Then he can polish his halo and go off with everyone patting him on the back for trying his hardest and feeling sorry for him because it just didn't work.

Win for him more shit for you.

Agree with your brother no more contact. Tell your mum (and anyone else) that you don't want them to pass on his shit woe filled texts. Get the best solicitor you can and sever the ties with this waste of space as soon as you can.

And STI clinic if you haven't already Sad

Look after yourself.

Plomino · 03/08/2012 22:19

What an absolute grade A cock . A list of YOUR bad points ? WTAF ?

Good thing you didn't get a list of his out , you'd still be there .

I am OUTRAGED on your behalf . And he can take his counselling session and shove it right up his arris . And give you your money back . You have my total respect .

lotsofcheese · 03/08/2012 22:21

OP, you've been very brave & wonderful.

It really is HIS loss. He's had a brilliant wife that he hasn't appreciated or deserved.

Someone else will love, adore, cherish & appreciate you, when you're ready. HIS loss

IvanaNap · 03/08/2012 22:22

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HeleninaGoldChariot · 03/08/2012 22:23

Oh Lou, this is dreadful, what a horrible shock I cannot imagine what you must be going through. He really is living down to expectations. You, on the other hand have been magnificent. I'm in awe of the way you have managed all this. There is so much to take in, so much to process so make sure you take your time. We are all here for you.

aftereight · 03/08/2012 22:23

You are amazing. You didn't waver. Lean on your brother and your mum and take the bastartfuckingcunttwat to the cleaners. A LIST??? What a twat. Words are inadequate. His OW deserves him.
As my friend once said to me "one day we will look back and laugh at this" ( not making light of it but my god are have you had a lucky escape pre-children )

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