please please help

[LouP19]

I have come home and my husband has moved out all of his belongings. Everything, even the garage is clear. He dropped me off after work and said he had to go and play cricket and needed some time on his own. I was distraught and said we needed to talk. Things haven't been right for a few weeks, he has denied somebody else.

All of his belongings are gone. I am shaking. No one knows where he has gone. Married 5 years, no kids. Please please help.

I'm with you, I'd rather know the worst than allow my imagination to run riot.

Have a big drink handy so that you can tip it over his head for me. :) Sounds like you're going in eyes wide open so very best of luck

Lou, from your last post, I can see that you've moved on from the 1st stage "shock" onto the next "denial/bargaining".

Please remember that you're not in any fit state for making big decisions at the moment. The worst thing you could possibly do is agree to take him back just now. Go to the meeting with the firm view that you are not having him back. (certainly not at the moment)

I have a friend whose husband walked out on her unexpectedly after just 2 months of marriage. She was ill with worry & took him back within days. He did it again, when she was 18 weeks pregnant with her 1st DC. Then went on to have an affair 3 years later. Each time she caved in & took him back. And he repaid her by trampling all over her, their family life & their marriage - ultimately her health, confidence & self-esteem too.

What I'm saying is: don't make it too easy for him to come back - you will give him permission to do this all over again. And again. Hard as it will be to see him, don't give in & crumble. Be strong & stand your ground.

In the future, once you've weighed up IF you want him back - he can meet YOUR demands eg counselling, complete transparency etc

Use this opportunity while he away to work on your confidence & what YOU want. Let him squirm

Just wanted to wish you good luck tonight. Whatever it is that he's done, it doesn't really matter because tbh you don't really want someone capable of hurting you like that in your life. Your best revenge would be to move on and get on with your life without him. Big hug to you Xx

You wouldn't be human if you didn't hope . But you are also realistic and brave. I really hope this meeting will bring an answer of some sort.

Good luck Lou, whatever happens we are here and your mum sounds brilliant. I would feel the same way as you, not sure I could wait a week to find out what his story is.... I envy you strong women who could!
I am sure it is no exaggeration to say we will all be thinking about you.

Hi Lou just wanting to wish you good luck for later, I very rarely post but I too had this happen to me, I came home from work and he'd gone, no note nothing, although he left a lot of his crap behind in the house for me to deal with ( all the things he could not be arsed with) he took of all things his favourite coffee.. so you had chutney twat and I had coffee twat! But that was my ex's way a problem so just run away!

You are being incredibly strong , just stay that way and you will get through this. I did , although i had my black days too and I am happier now than I have ever been, with a new partner that makes up for all the wasted years and wasted tears.

I echo knives and forks WTF?...

btw your mum rocks

Good luck OP. Stay strong.

x

PS yes, you're mum is great! As are you!!!!!

Good luck Lou. I've been following your thread in disbelief that anyone could be so calculating & bloody awful. I can't believe he was talking fallout how hurt & upset he was. What a fucking nerve.

stay strong,don't let him guilt trip you - wtf could he possibly have to say that would justifiably pin his appalling behaviour on you?!! Nothing whatsoever justifies his awful behaviour.

Initially I thought ir sounded as though he had had a mental breakdown & possibly gone awol with the intention of suicide. Have a friend whose husband did this but was fortunately tracked down before he did it & after a lot of counselling they are moving forward together dealing with his military PTSD. Anyway,that was a long side note but the jist of what I'm trying to say is that you deserve someone you can trust. How would you ever be able to feel comfortable with this man ever again?

Be strong & don't let him wheedle his way in. You have so much support here & from family. All the best.x

Lou,

Stay strong, others have been there I know that does not dimish your pain or anger, but it means that there will be others than can help you forward.

Stay strong girl, what ever he throws at you, you will be able to deal with it.

xx

Blimey. Have read the whole thread and am stunned by his behaviour.

He went to such lengths in planning his dramatic running away, chutney, cutlery and all - could he not also have found the time to write you a letter?

And all this texting your mother bollocks. What's that about?

You sound lovely OP. I really wish you luck tonight. Stay strong. I'm another one who'll be thinking about you.

Good luck Lou. I think you need to remember that yes, there more than likely will be reasons for the way he has behaved, they don't matter as much as how he has behaved.

Lots of people go through terrible times or have MH problems or get caught up in doing bad things that get out of control but whatever it is, he has chosen to react to the reasons in this way. He could easily have chosen differently. What matters in terms of your marriage is not so much what has happened but how he reacted to it so from that perspective it may me interesting and soothing to find out but beware because it can also confuse and distract you from the important thing - the way he has responded to whatever is going on. To be honest I would find this reaction a dealbreaker.

Best of luck Lou. Hope you get some of the answers you are looking for.

What an absolute arse... and I thought dumping people by text was bad!

In the long term, OP, the cowardly custard has done you a favour by taking his useless self right out of your life. That said I can understand your shock right now.

If this was me I'd be searching the house for stuff he'd left behind and either a) selling it on Ebay or b) setting said stuff on fire in the back garden.

If I could send a stiff drink to you via the web I would. :(

I truly hope it works out OK for you Lou. I feel that this meeting is the right thing to do.....FOR YOU. It`s what you need, and you have the strength to handle it, with the help of some of the suggestions that have been put forward. I have every faith in your ability to see beyond his words, and keep a tight hold on the memory of the devastation he has heaped on you. Keep all your thoughts and feelings as close to your chest as you can, and allow him full waffle status. That way you get may enough to be able to pick the bones from the flesh of his excuses. Make NO decisions for the foreseeable future, and certainly no promises to this man. I will be holding your hand sweetie.

Hoping it is going ok. You are probably talking to him by now or in bits afterwards.

I am a bit concerned along with others that you seem to be hanging a lot of faith in the one night stand theory -- I agree with Xales that there is more to this than a one night stand. I also agree with Garlic that there seems to be a fundamental malfunction going on here that makes him incapable of counting past One.

One strange thing about 'true confessions' is that they are at best more impressionist art or even something closer to abstract art than a photographic rendition. Another strange thing is that once something like this happens you may find it impossible to believe what he tells you no matter how close to the truth he manages to get.

It might freak him out if you were to bring a notebook with a few questions written down and check the notebook from time to time, maybe write in the odd word as he speaks.

Listen very carefully. Keep your mind completely open to all nuances. Take a breath or two before jumping in to reply. Don't share too much of the pain you are going through if you can help it. Listen -- compare the frequency of 'Me' and 'I' statements with any relating to you or to 'us'.

Good luck for later Lou x
I agree that I'd rather know, even the worst of the worst, than forever wonder why.

To be honest I think the text to my Mum was his way of preparing me for the worst
That was my first thought too and still is :( he hasn't got the balls to tell you himself that what you're about to find out is huge.....so he told the person he knew would prepare you - utter utter selfish bastard.
Prepare yourself to hear the absolute worst Lou, I really feel you need to :(
I feel the pub, close to your home may be a mistake, perhaps you should have met at your parents house, with them out for a few hours, at least then if things get heated and he starts being an arse you could make him leave (call your parents back etc..) With the pub meeting...he can follow you out, cause a scene, refuse to let you walk away.
Like others have said already, DON'T let him force you to do/agree to/decide/promise anything.

On the other hand, even if it was something milder than what we're mostly thinking, could you seriously see yourself taking him back or respecting him again after his actions? I know I couldn't/wouldn't. I couldn't imagine living with the fear of when the going got tough in the relationship, I would come home to a half empty house and kitchen cupboards because the selfish twatbastard can't face discussing any problems like a normal, rational adult human.

Stay strong Lou and take strength in the fact you have your wonderful parents behind you and also all of us here virtually willing you on.
You are amazing Lou xxx

Jesus christ you are strong.

Ive have flipped the fuck out on this twat by now.

My exH left me 2 weeks after our honeymoon, with a 12 month old dd.
I was left to financially pick up everything, even though I didnt work, while he moved back with mummy and daddy

Must admit, I did the whole begging thing because I am weak, but you sound AMAZING.

Good luck for tonight. Just remember, he is an arse, everything is says will be shit, and you will feel shit. Go, listen, turn and leave. Dont tell him your feelings, dont tell him your plan, dont tell him your opinions. Just leave quietly and head up. That'll annoy the fucker.

Have been reading this thread and feeling so sad & angry on your behalf. Wishing you lots of luck & strength (which you clearly have) for your meeting. Am thinking of you. xx

Just seen and read the whole thread. You are being so strong and dignified, just keep that up this evening when you meet him and hope you get the answers you need to help you move forward.
So sad and angry on your behalf.

Sorry, I want to say something but I just can't. I'm absolutely horrified.