please please help

[LouP19]

I have come home and my husband has moved out all of his belongings. Everything, even the garage is clear. He dropped me off after work and said he had to go and play cricket and needed some time on his own. I was distraught and said we needed to talk. Things haven't been right for a few weeks, he has denied somebody else.

All of his belongings are gone. I am shaking. No one knows where he has gone. Married 5 years, no kids. Please please help.

He is ramping it up, Bus. It is one huge fucking drama that he's worked out in advance with no thought of you, Lou, except as his audience whom he wants to affect in a particular way. Now I think he is insane. And I am exploding with anger!

For god's sake, don't expect any rationality out of this loon. All you're going to get is a variety of set pieces

... and I don't mean "insane" as in suffering a temporary mental disruption, I mean a built-in, lifelong malfunction. This would tie in with the extraordinary moodiness you've noted before.

There's no mileage in expecting sense from a person who isn't "a sane, rational human being", they'll only give you what looks like sense to them, or what they think you want to hear. You've been trying for five years. Time to look at what he actually does and listen to what he actually says.

Sorry for you today. Please keep yourself crystal-clear and, if you feel your thoughts being twisted by his showmanship, leave. Just pick up your bag and walk straight home.
Thinking of you.

He texted her Mum because he knew her Mum would tell her! Cowardly dickhead!
Lou, tell your Mum to block his number or not pass on any messages!
And you know what? I don't think you should give him any more time. He has wasted five of your fertile years already with his dithering and procrastinating. I wouldn't waste another second, debating whether to let him back into your life when he can't be relied on. Not saying you need to get a move on, I had my last child at 42 but if you still want children, you don't need to hang about waiting for this immature git while there are decent blokes out there who would make a lovely Dad.

If you want to check if he has arranged to have Royal Mail redirect his post:

ask a friend to send a Signed For Recorded Delivery (an empty package will do) to your own address. If it doesn't turn up at your house then you will know, but also see if you or your friend you can track it online.

Check with Experian and other credit reference agencies to see what debts, loans and credit cards are registered at your address. It's easy and cheap to do it online. You might even find some phone contracts and credit cards you don't know about.

It's not looking good is it? but I think you know that.

Good luck Lou

I am concerned that you are justifying what he did - the affair bit, I mean (or the one night stand, or whatever it was). ie you could see yourself doing it ie you are putting yourself in his shoes. I know it's hard because our intincts scream out to make sense of something like this but it's you you need to be thinking about now, you and your needs, not meeting him half way, even in your heart or thoughts iyswim.

He has behaved like a deadly enemy and, for the foreseeable, that's how you have to see him - as outside , not in your safe space. You are still in shock and it will take a while for that to wear off but I sincerely hope some steel slips into your soul to take its place. There can be no excuse for what he's done and the cold way he executed it - then started bleeting about how much he's hurting. FFS!

No no he doesn't deserve an audience with you; certainly not to have anything to say to defend himself. There is no defence and it is outrageous that he thinks he can legitimately have a platform after what he's done and how he did it.

On some level he did that to get your attention the bastard - how about talking to you instead? - like that nutter in Denmark (or wherever it was) got everyone's attention and looked forward to saying his piece on the world stage. Nobody was listening because of what he'd done. If you listen then listen for you, not him.

I share your concern, Springy, and second your advice: If you listen then listen for you, not him.

If it helps, Lou - listen as Mumsnet would! (it helps me)

Please make sure you get your holiday money back asap, because I have a feeling he has used that to cover his rent on another property and not paid for your holiday.

Hope it all goes as well as can be expected. Have your mum on speed dial so she can be withyou asap.

I do think now he is deliberately trying to disrupt your equilibrium. It all seems a bit suss, doesn't it. Each time you're in control, and think you've figured out a working theory of what's going on and where you are, WHAM another text comes out of the blue and knocks you sideways.

I know you need to find out WTAF is going on, but this happened on Wednesday and it's now Friday. If hanging on to your sanity means not going, then don't go.

Someone or something has forced his hand. Either an affair at work and someone is going to blow the whistle, or a pregnancy. He knows I have been desperate to have a child, this for him would be the ultimate 'sin' against me,.... not really that he's been having an affair, but that they're pregnant (almost as if the first bit is ok, but the second bit makes it a bit more difficult). No running away from a pregnancy is there. He can (and may have done in the past) run away from infidelities.

Good luck later Lou.

Remember you are amazing and he is a chutney-thieving wanker.

"It all seems a bit suss, doesn't it"

Absolutely. Sounds like he's planning to use tonight's meeting as one big long monologue confession session about him, his feelings and his terrible mistakes. If they are in a neutral location, that's going to spell torture. I don't see what the OP is going to get out of it except to feel 10x worse than she already does.

"Someone or something has forced his hand."

Do you actually want to know? It sounds like you're going to get lamped with insult on top of injury at this rate.

May not be anything to do with an OW, perhaps he has been gambling or committed some kind of crime and things are catching up...

Lou, if you are so upset you are shaking, this is no time to talk. You teally don't need to add yet another blow. You need to think about your own personal well being and if this conversation has the potential to cause s nervous breakdown, I think it would be better to wait until you feel a bit stronger. You can postpone the meeting or ask your mum to talk to him and see if she can spften the blow.

I wish we could all come with you, LouP. Remember, stay calm and in control, as having the upper hand will help reveal more. Repeat after me:'I am in control. I am a cool, unavailable Ice Queen.'

Whatever you decide to do, the more info you have, the better armed you are when it comes to dictating the next step. And I fully believe you have the right to do that.

Thinking of you.

And if he makes you cry, remember the chutney!!! That's how small he has made himself.

When he dumps his self-indulgent woe-is-me bullshit on you, remember the mantra.

"This isn't about you, what you want, or what you feel, anymore".

"This isn't about you, what you want, or what you feel, anymore".

"This isn't about you, what you want, or what you feel, anymore".

"This isn't about you, what you want, or what you feel, anymore".

"This isn't about you, what you want, or what you feel, anymore".

"This isn't about you, what you want, or what you feel, anymore".

"This isn't about you, what you want, or what you feel, anymore".

"This isn't about you, what you want, or what you feel, anymore".

"This isn't about you, what you want, or what you feel, anymore".

"You lying cheating cowardly disgrace of a bastard."

Please tell me that, by "forced his hand", you're not moving towards agreeing with him that it's not his fault! Nobody forced him to plan and book a removal, expunge every last sign of his presence in your life, trick you out of some money and dump you all unknowing in the car park. Nothing and nobody forced that; he did it all by himself.

If you think you can make notes or ask to record the conversation.

You can read them back when you are alone, calmer and less emotional and see if he has lied and changed bits of information during your talk.

I know, I know, but I'll be really honest, I've been HOPING that it's not all so bad. That it's a breakdown. That it's debt. That it's gambling. I feel I NEED to see him and hear whatever he has to say (even if it isn't anything in particular at all) to know this it's over. Otherwise I'll read the texts and may be get hopeful. My first priority is I do not want this to drag on. Whatever happens, break up, counselling, reconcillation - whatever, I do not want to be still sat here in September hoping.

So I know this is probably going to be the really devastating bit, but then I know. And let him see me. I'm determined I'm going to steal myself to give as little away as possible. I'm not going to tell him A THING about my plan of action. I WANT him to suffer. Please, let me do this, however unwise it may seem. Sometimes you have to see things to believe it. And honestly, after coming home on Wednesday, I've experienced it all, this will just be the icing on the cake.

Thank you all so so much, I wish I could do something for all of you to let you know how wonderful you've been.

I'm with you, I'd rather know the worst than allow my imagination to run riot.

OP - I've found your posts really difficult to read.

Approx. 7 years ago, on a Friday, I got up with my husband. We went out for breakfast, he dropped me at work on the way to his work, called me at work later on to say he loved me. All was good. We were TTC, things were good in our relationship (I thought!)

He went out for drinks after work with his brother, came back in the early hours, and told me he didn't love me any more and that he was leaving. He packed a bag and left.

We spoke on the phone a couple of times over the next few weeks, mainly to sort out the house. He left me to deal with the house being reposessed whilst I was in a mental health unit, having had a breakdown due to this.

I didn't see him again for 2 years, when he turned up on my doorstep (I'd given his mum my address) to ask for our marriage certificate to apply for a divorce.

I never found out why he left, and I don't think I ever will. I suspect there was someone else (he got someone pregnant 3 months after leaving me) but to be honest, he did me a huge favour leaving me. I'm happier than I've ever been, married for the second time and am able to let my first marriage go.

HTH in some small way x

By 'forcing his hand' I wonder if something (i.e. pregnancy) has meant he has to face up to what he calls a 'series of mistakes'.

To be honest I think the text to my Mum was his way of preparing me for the worst,.....

Agree with garlic.

He has treated you like crap the last few weeks, he dumped you in the car park, he planned and packed his stuff up coldly leaving you.

He made this decision.

He could have sat down like an adult at any time when you asked over the last few weeks and opened up to you.

Don't start blaming some unknown force. He did this.

Saying some one forced his hand is letting him off of what he chose to do.

I'm thinking that after that last text to your mum, you should pull out of the face to face meeting and insist he send his 'confession' by email, along with the other information you require.

Yes, you're right. All about him. And I know it'll be all about him in the pub, but I just want to hear what he actually confesses too in amongst all his angst at tears. If anything. Let him fucking fucking squirm.