please please help

[LouP19]

I have come home and my husband has moved out all of his belongings. Everything, even the garage is clear. He dropped me off after work and said he had to go and play cricket and needed some time on his own. I was distraught and said we needed to talk. Things haven't been right for a few weeks, he has denied somebody else.

All of his belongings are gone. I am shaking. No one knows where he has gone. Married 5 years, no kids. Please please help.

Its awful to think that he has made a trip to the shops so traumatic for you.

I really hope that he chokes on his chutney.

Hello Autumn, so sorry, can't imagine how this must be when children are involved. The devastation, with no thought for the consequences,..... well, it's just mind blowing. And I feel it takes a certain (hopefully very rare) type of bastard to do this sort of thing.

Not sure if I can cope with a one night stand really, but not particularly concentrating on that just now. But I am aware that may be something (along with a million other things) I may have to digest at some point. It's what he DID on Wednesday, together with the few days before, that is the mammouth issue at the moment. To be honest I know I'm still not really processing it, it's just coming in waves and waves of shock.

Whatever happens, still have my appointment with the solicitor on Monday morning and will definitely go to get a stance on my legal rights. But not telling him this. And if he doesn't give me an address, he'll get any official letters, if necessary, at work.

Hi Lou, just another one popping along to give you some support.

You need to do everything you can to show him you're calling the shots now.

Sounds like he's been manipulating you for ages with his moods and tantrums. Time to say "no more, I'm the one in control now".

I think that will soon shock him out of any "emotional crisis" he might think he's having.

Think about that old no nonsense headmistress when you were small who everyone was in awe of... "you have behaved in an unacceptable way. I will not tolerate it. What are you going to do about it..."

at some point in the future you might soften toward him but this is not the time!

Good luck!

"To be honest I know I'm still not really processing it, it's just coming in waves and waves of shock"

It's only been a couple of days so that's normal. You really don't need to process anything for the time-being. Just talk with people that love you and do whatever it takes to make you feel calmer. This is your time now. Do exactly as you please and deal with him when you feel good and ready.

Good luck for your chat OP

Lou, there are two issues here, he may be having an affair and has sumpef you in the cruelest way possible.

I think that you are already finding excuses for a possible affair, but what has attracted so much attention to this thread is not the affair itself but the callousness he has used to get you out of his life. It is totally unnecesary, men leave and don't take half of the cutlery and the food.

The worse thing is not the affair but the calculated cruelty in dumping you. Don't thread back into his hands again, as somebody else already said, it would be far worse if you were expecting or had children. Don't get there, you cannot carry babies for a man who can fisapear in such manner.

The taking chutneys/cutlery sounds like he's found a flat/bedsit as you just wouldn't take that with you.

Maybe he rented a flat, the OW said she would join him, he went through with it and it went tits up/she changed her mind?

Good luck with the meeting, Lou. Stay strong. So sorry to all the others this has happened to.

It sounds like you're probably right about the one-night stand. It fits with his guilty behaviour/ messages & his personality type - do something really shitty then make it seem a million times worse so that when he eventually says 'I had a one night stand and didn't think you could ever forgive me' you will (he hopes) say 'oh is that all? I thought you were gone forever / had moved in with someone else! Of course I can forgive you, come home!' I can't see him taking cutlery to an OW's place. But I guess that mean's he's got himself a flat or something, which would've taken some planning. Anyway, you seem to have a pretty good perspective on what's going on, good luck later & stay strong!

Lou, i am in complete awe of you, your last 3 posts show how clear and balanced you are thinking and after only a couple of days.. You're a helluva lot stronger than i would be in the situation.

Hoping the meeting (on neutral territory - excellent thinking!) is resolving a few things for you.

Oh crap, just realised that came out like nonsense, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean "do something shitty!", was describing that he did something shitty. Also 'means' (?!) Never mind, just ignore me

I would be very surprised if he has organised renting a flat, credit checks, deposits etc for a flat, renting a van and everything else in a week of coming back from Italy after a one night stand.

This has been planned meticulously down to the last detail for longer than that.

Hi Lou, been following and just wanted to say good luck for later :)

I reckon he may have taken the holiday money for a deposit on a new flat. What a bastard.

Good luck for later Lou - stay strong xxx

Do tackle him about giving you the holiday money back.

MadamFolly that sounds very plausible. Urgh. Starting to now wish the OP wasn't going.

Holding your hand for this afternoon Lou, you are an amazing, strong, clever woman. Please be aware that you have been traumatised, right now a one night stand will feel like the least of your problems but that is only because of what he has just put you through. Stay strong to do what you have to do.

All the best for this afternoon. I hope you get the answers you need.
x

Ok, losing it now. Really really shakey.

He has sent a text to my Mum that says he has made a series of mistakes in our relationship and has run away because he cannot face the consequences. He says all the mistakes are of his own doing. He knows he owes me an explanation and will give me one later tonight.

So my Mum texted and said 'It is taking Lou all the courage in the world to meet you later today. You should match HER courage by meeting her and telling her the truth'.

So expect the very very worse. Now suspect someone else is pregnant too.

The fucking fucking cunt bastard.

He's drip-feeding and ramping this up.

Are you sure you want to go?

God it is all about him and his sympathy/pity party still isn't it.

I am with the others that he is expecting you to do the 'oh a one night stand, that is not so bad' thing after torturing you and winding you up by text.

Where is the single concern for you in that text?

If you think this is salvageable please make him live else where for months and have counselling to sort himself out before trusting him to move back in or considering kids with him.

Good luck for later

/hugs

What the hell is he texting your mum for? Does he expect her to put in a good word for him??? Beggars belief!

Even if there's no pregnancy don't let yourself think (either now or later) that there's any excuse for his behaviour. Don't be tempted to minimise it.

He dropped you off at a car park in the middle of nowhere, cleared you out and even took the fucking chutney!

Agatha probably because the OP wasn't answering his texts, or not doing so excessively. He needs lots of places to put on record what a caring, hurting, tragic person he is and her mum's phone is as good a place as any

Oh I'm so annoyed on your behalf. He is such a coward. What kind of man appeals to someone's mother with his sob story? How immature to think that if he gets on the right side of your mum, you'll roll over. Do you actually have to meet him later? I would seriously postpone just to make the point that you no longer dance to his tune. Make him wait a week so that you can calm down and stop shaking ..... he can make excuses 'explain' just as easily then as he can now.