please please help

[LouP19]

I have come home and my husband has moved out all of his belongings. Everything, even the garage is clear. He dropped me off after work and said he had to go and play cricket and needed some time on his own. I was distraught and said we needed to talk. Things haven't been right for a few weeks, he has denied somebody else.

All of his belongings are gone. I am shaking. No one knows where he has gone. Married 5 years, no kids. Please please help.

What Cogito says about keeping your cards close to your chest. I think definitely ask questions if it feels like you're getting straight, useful answers, but play it by ear a bit and be prepared to default to silence when he tries to do emotional rambling (which he probably will if his texts are anything to go by). If at any time it's all getting a bit intense you can think to yourself "I don't have to say anything, I don't owe him any particular bit of speech, HE did this, I can decide later what I think about xyz".

If it is a one-night stand then that's potentially a bit less bad than "there is OW, and she's pregnant" or "there is OW, and it's serious" (though it still doesn't excuse what happened to you on Wednesday night.) But I guess be wary of letting him see that you'd find that potentially ok to cope with, because that way if he can get away with "it was a one night stand, it meant nothing" he'll do it, and how can you know whether it's the truth or not? Alternatively, of course, you may get nowhere near the subject of OW today. We could all be dramatically wrong about OW, of course, but you latched onto it as a strong possibility pretty quickly, so I trust your intuition on that, you're the one there!

I know people keep saying this but I'm just in awe of how you're doing here Could you have the Awesome Mum of Awesomeness nearby, or sitting outside in the car so you feel like you have a safety net/escape route?

Gosh Lou, you are just amazing. I'm in awe of your strength and coolness (you might not feel like you are being strong or cool, but having read about the tremendous shock you have encountered, you have just been spectacular).

Ask him direct, open questions and then allow him to speak. Stay silent, listen to his crap. Bite your tongue, let him dig his holes. Listen to what he is saying, how he is saying it. You know him best and if you try to remain calm and listen to him/watch him, you will know when he is lying to you.

Mostly, good luck. We are all sending you strength and power to get through this.

Meant to say also: if what he's saying doesn't add up with clearing out the kitchen cupboards, it doesn't add up full stop.

One more thing: do not be forced, by him, to make any decision re. what you want to do next on the spot. You have time, you have the upper hand and you have the right to do whatever the bloody hell you like, when you like.

I would take someone with you to the pub, to sit away from you so not listening but in plain sight, so that if at any point it becomes difficult or you need to leave you have support. Can anyone do that at short notice?

State at the start of talk that you won't listen to pleas to let him come home, take him back, how much he loves you, big mistake he's made etc. and to stick to plain answers to your questions and no lies or you will leave. I think you have every right to make sure the finances to do with the house are secure.

Yes, I'm going to write some pointers this afternoon about how I should behave and what I need to say. But first I'm going to let him speak and try to judge it from there. I actually trust myself to do ok at the meeting, but not so sure how I trust myself afterwards. :-( The pub is a 5 minute walk away from where we live, and my Mum is at home.

If starts rambling about wanting to sort the marriage and how much he loves me, I'm going to (try to) very calmly state that unless he lets me know where he is and who is with, then it is no basis to try to sort any marriage. End of. This is the crux of it for me today.

You are doing SO well! I would try to play it very cool this afternoon and say as little as possible. Ask him for contact addresses and any practical information you might need - mortgage account numbers etc but otherwise leave it at that. Maybe you could even go with a list to show him that you mean business and you are not there to have your emotions messed with, let alone give him airtime to bleat on about how terrible he feels.

I'm sure you do want to know the reasons behind his behaviour (and who wouldn't?) but at this stage he'll be either saying whatever he thinks you want to hear, or (more likely) feeding you a pack of lies in order to justify the terrible trauma he has inflicted on you and your family. You could even send him a text saying something like 'Just to clarify my expectations of this afternoon; I am only seeing you to clarify the practicalities of our immediate situation. I am not prepared to discuss anything to do with our relationship at this time. If I decide I would like to do so in future, I will arrange a meeting with a counsellor present and invite you to attend'.

It will be so hard to maintain the detatchement as you must feel so torn, but at the moment you're still in shock and adjusting to the medication the dr has given you. You have enough to manage without a second does of emotional histrionics. Besides, keeping it so cool and controlled will scare the bejeezus out of him ;)

This man did an appalling thing to you and your parents - he deserves no hearing until you have had plenty of time to adjust, reflect and make your own decisions about what you want your future to be like.

Good luck!

Excellent approach, I think.

Good luck.

I would make one of your pointers 'This isn't about you or what you want any more'.... because I think you've spent far too long tiptoeing around his idiosyncracies and I suspect that he'll keep trying to turn the conversation back to himself.

I have no experience in this sort of thing but if he tries to get your sympathy (he sounds like a real Debbie Downer), I would think that repeating "he took the fucking chutney" over in your head will help focus your mind!

This happened to me years ago. We had no children and were renting a flat. I went home to visit family on the train. He rang me the night before drunk, telling me he loved me, whilst with his friend. I came home and he'd took all his stuff. No explanation, nada.

Bumped into his friend in the local pub a couple of days later and i was distraught. His friend told me sheepishly that he had moved in with him, about 10 mins from where i was living. He never did give me a proper explanation. But there was another girl on the horizon, i found out later.

We did get back together again stupidly but that was a mistake. He sounds very like your DH.

I can't really advise you because i don't know what the rest of your relationship is like in general, but it sounds to me like something may have happened in Italy. He could have chosen to talk to you but instead he painstakingly rented a van and removed everything he owned. He even went through the kitchen drawers ffs! Now he's in floods of tears, emotional and 'hurt.' How does he think you feel?

Right now i wouldn't want to speak to him.

Yes, maybe write on your hand, "chutney, van, garage, holiday money, carpark" I don't hold with unfaithfulness, but I think I agree that a one-night stand isn't the main issue here. It's what followed.

Agree with cogito, that is the pointer, the only one you need for him and for you. I don't think you need to talk much, just wait for him to speak.

"what is going on?"
"this isn't about you, what you want or feel anymore?"

All the time chanting "chutney, flowers, Italy, holiday money, removal van, time off work, lies"

Offred is right. Your mantra is:

"This isn't about you, what you want, or what you feel, anymore".

Been lurking...

Good luck OP, seriously hoping you get less bullshit and more answers.

Yes, keep the meeting short and to the point, gathering of important information for your benefit. Don't mention the solicitors appointment.

I also agree that what you KNOW he did - conned money out of you, dropped you in a car park when he knew what you were going back to - the premeditated and planned wholesale exit - is far, far more important than what you don't know. There are no justifications for such cynical actions.

I wouldn't bother asking him where he's sating, unless it's to get a forwarding address. My ex 'slept in the car' and 'stayed with John & Sally' when he flounced out after rows. He was with his mistress, of course.

Good luck, Lou, and remember you have the right to remain silent - and to leave.

Thanks. I like the mantra, need to keep reminding myself of what he's done. He couldn't look me in the eye when he came back from Italy, more I think of it he was deeply uncomfortable in my presence. This made me clingy and demanding of answers, which will increased his sense of needing to get away. It is his response to all this that is my main concern at the moment. I don't know, but if someone sits down and says 'I'm really sorry, I've had a one night stand' at least they're being honest about it, however awful that moment must be. The cowardice of everything is screaming at me.

On another note, my Mum took me to Tesco this morning to get some shopping. That was one of the most surreal experience of my life. I need loo roll, do I get 9 or 4? I need bread, one loaf or two? Lots of minor, inane things were ramming it home to me what had happened. I just couldn't cope with it, it felt like I was on a film set, in somebody else's life. And I'm aware that it's THESE type of every day things that are just going to be so awful for the next few days/weeks. I looked to see if I needed to do any washing, and the basket is half empty. And then it hit me again. And then I start shaking uncontrollably.

PS He's taken some cutlery. Just a bit, but definately some knives, forks, and spoons have gone.

I too am in awe of how you are dealing with all of this Lou.

Many years ago, this exact same thing happened to me. I came home from work, at lunchtime, and half my home seemed to have been removed. I also had two DCs that I had to collect from school within a matter of hours. I still shed tears to this day, remembering sitting in my car, watching my little one walking across the playgound towards me, swinging his pump bag, and humming to himself. So, you wont hear me saying that its the worst thing Ive read on here, because I`ve lived it. It was the single, most cruel thing that anyone has ever done to me and mine, but we did eventually get through it. I met the wonderful man who became the husband and father that we deserved. My DC are healthy, happy, high flying adults, although sadly we lost this special man a few years ago.

You appear to be saying that you could accept a one night stand, given the state of your marriage. I could undertand that if that was all it was. However, this man has gone way beyond possible infidelity. He has humiliated you in the most vicious way imaginable. Caused you indescribable pain, and all because he may be guilt ridden. A few well chosen words, and a bunch of flowers is never going to erase what you felt when you walked into your home, the home that he had ripped the heart out of. Like so many of the others, I am amazed at how you are holding it all together. I too was one of the "Please come back, I love you", when, in actual fact what I was really conveying was "Please come back, and continue to crap all over me". Hang onto your amazing strength, and take your time to decide if you want to risk the possibility of being put in this hideous position again, the next time he does something he can`t live with.

Cowardice is a pretty apt description. Of course it's going to feel strange for a while. When you're used to being 'us' it takes a while to acclimatise to being 'me' again. This is why you have to take your time rather than being too keen to meet up when you're still feeling so raw and vulnerable.

Blimey, Autumn, the same thing happened to you?
The callousness - and self-obsession - is mind blowing.

Don't be afraid of silence Lou. Let him fill the gaps in.
Imagine you are being filmed and hold your dignity at all costs
I don't know you and have never met you but I am immensely proud of you for the way you are handling an awful situation.
You are grace and dignity personified.

Some fantastic advice here, and Lou you are handling this is so well. Good luck with the meeting, I hope he's able to find his balls and be absolutely honest with you.

Cutlery too, ffs? There is no honour in the man. Add it to your mantra for this afternoon...

And as for the shopping, you buy what YOU need. Four toilet rolls should do you nicely for now - he's contributed more than enough shit to your life for the time being ;).

Please don't even think about him being back in your home for the time being. You will need weeks to come to terms with what he has done to you and then you can start to think about whether you want to spend any more of your life with him. At the moment just think about keeping yourself going until you're at a point where you can calmly think through what you want for your future. If you're agonising over loo rolls in Tescos, you're in no fit state to be making choices about the rest of your life.

Give it lots and lots of time and just focus on looking after yourself for now. If you'd had a serious physical injury you wouldn't be thinking about running a marathon 2 days afterwards. Don't underestimate the impact on your body of what he has done - I was 5 months pregnant when my ex did this and I was hospitalised as a precaution. You have suffered a body-blow; give yourself plenty of time to heal.

Will be thinking of you this afternoon.