please please help

[LouP19]

I have come home and my husband has moved out all of his belongings. Everything, even the garage is clear. He dropped me off after work and said he had to go and play cricket and needed some time on his own. I was distraught and said we needed to talk. Things haven't been right for a few weeks, he has denied somebody else.

All of his belongings are gone. I am shaking. No one knows where he has gone. Married 5 years, no kids. Please please help.

Hi Op
Have edited the RL names out of your post upthread
So sorry to read you're going through this and really hope you can get some support on MN and in RL
V best to you
OliviaMN

Hi lou is this twerp likely to try and convince you that he moved his stuff to a male friends house. Could you ask the neighbour if she saw a logo or name on the van and then concoct some yarn to get the address maybe get your dad to do it. Then if he comes back to you and says I stayed at bill bloggs house and you know he stayed at Jane smiths house, you will be armed

Hi Lou, just read through your entire thread, what a shock for you - you are doing incredibly well, considering the way your life has been turned upside down in such a short period of time.

I'm afraid I can't see any future with your "D"H - he has betrayed you in the most terrible way. OW or not, his actions are unforgivable & I can't imagine you could ever come back from this. His actions & words demonstrate that he cannot be trusted. His behaviour is incompatible with a loving relationship. Sorry to be so blunt.

Can't believe your partner's actions, OP, am stunned. It sounds so callous and upsetting. And if I were you I'd be horrified that his texts have been all about him and how he is hurt and upset. Wtf? As someone else said, why on earth is he not grovelling, asking how you feel, apologising, etc?

I can absolutely imagine you want answers, that you want to understand why he's done this and that you want it all to go away, but I hope you will leave him in the dark when it comes to contact and only speak to him through a solicitor as everyone else is suggesting. Let him face the consequences of his actions. He sounds like he has serious issues (did his parents massively indulge him as a child?! Wouldn't surprise me at all) and any kind of relationship with him is going to involve them playing a big part.

What an absolute cock.

Hi, just read the thread.
What an utter bastard.
What possible excuse could he have for hurting u this much.
Breakdown, bi polar, whatever, its still no excuse. Plenty of ppl have breakdowns and suffer mental illness, they don't go round seeking attention by hurting people.
How could u ever trust him again?
U might think u miss him and love him and need him back. But what if he came back? Then what?
How could u ever forgive him? Trust him? Move on?
So premeditated, he could do it again at any point and u wouldn't even know til u got home to an empty house.

Lou, it seems you have had a lucky escape. Imagine having to go through what you're going through with a toddler on your hip!
Your Mum sounds fantastic.
I am still reeling over the chutney!

I wonder if she will not have him, and that is why he said to his folks, "she will never have me back".

Wouldn't it be something if he and his friend declared how much they want to be with each other, with her thinking it was idle talk, and then he, with his literal interpretation, pulls up in a rental truck with everything he owns?

Holy! just read the thread and I have to say I am very impressed at the way you have managed things. Keep your head high as you are doing, I have been in a similar situation as you, the only thing I can say is that there was no other woman, there was nothing else, he just panicked about something stupid and that was it.

I cried for months, it was such a horrible pain I could feel it in my chest. I know he was feeling worse than me and he was missing me as well. But there's one thing I can tell you... nothing can repair the broken trust. When someone lives without any warning or proper motive there is no way on Earth that you can relax and trust them again. So, listen to what he says as you need to hear that in order to bring some closure, but if you want him back, don't leave it too long as the longer you wait the more unlikely it becomes that could ever trust him again. And as other people have already said, don't let him dump the blame on you. Take no responsibility, he is the one who has behaved in an abominable manner.

leaves, not lives.

"Take no responsibility"

Yes, now that's interesting. He's almost certainly going to try to pin a lot of this on you. And yes, there are bound to be things you've done that have pissed him off. That's marriage for you - living with another person involves friction as you knuckle down together. BUT, nothing, NOTHING on this earth that you could possibly have done, justifies his mind-blowing cruelty in doing what he has done in the way he has done it.

Don't lose sight of that. Remember, he took the bloody chutney, he emptied the garage, he hired a van, he dumped you in a carpark, he made you transfer holiday money for a holiday he knew he wouldn't be around for...

Hope you had a better night's sleep.

Morning LouP, hope you managed to sleep. Sending you a huge hug for today and agree with what mummyinspain said

I think he knew exactly what he was doing. I suspect he has left some possessions in one of those storage places, and then turned up unexpectedly at the 'friend's place, expecting to be welcomed with open arms. I bet he decided this unilaterally and as she hadn't been consulted there was a row. Hence he begged to be allowed to come back and be forgiven by the OP. Affairs are fine for the people involved while everything is secret and exciting, but it's extremely testing when they are found out and the adulterous party brings all their crap, possessions and emotions, and dumps it in the others' home. Lets hope she decides he isn't worth the effort too.

Stay strong, Lou, and accept whatever help is offered because you deserve it. Just ensure the mortgage and bills are paid.

Excellent advice here Lou, hope you're feeling a little clearer this morning. Sending you huge hugs, and I think you've been amazing x

While we're offering theories, I wonder if the OW was happy to shag a married man, and even have him leave his wife for her, but that doing it in the manner he did shocked even her and she realised he wasn't such a catch after all.

Clearly your mum ROCKS big time and Lou, you're a chip off the old block!

I am in awe of the way you've handled this (wish I could have been as cool as you when my ex left).

He will be panicking big time at your lack of 'chasing him'.

Keep calm and carry on - I have a feeling you're going to come out of this with your head held VERY high.

I agree with the poster who said to find out which removal company did the moving. When you find out the address, put in a weekly repeat order for 40 jars of chutney on his credit card.

I have been following from the beginning, Lou, and agree with lots of other posters, but will add my thoughts anyway. Your dignity and courage has been amazing- please, please keep it that way. My biggest regret when my ex walked out was begging for answers. I never got them, and I never made myself feel any better.

You might feel at some point you'd like to have him back- you must know that if you do that, the valium will become permanent, because every time you go out you will worry that he will have done it again.

This man is despicable. He has been cruel, cold and calculated. He is not having a mental breakdown.

He will be doing a lot to convince people that it is your fault. His begging, telling his parents you won't have him are all for the purpose of clearing his name. In a few years, if you ask his friends or family what they think happened, they will say that he stayed with a friend over night and you flipped and sent all his stuff to him. This I can promise you. My ex's family think I simply got up and left one day without explanation. They don't believe that he packed a bag for me, demanded my engagement ring and drove me to my mom's, leaving me collapsed on her doorstep.
My experience wasn't as bad as yours, but based on it I want toot give you a few pieces of advice- all cliches, all true. (For this situation anyway)

1. This too shall pass.
2. You will find out who your friends are.
3. You will come out of this stronger than before.

And my own personal mantra: keep on keeping on.

You are amazing. This is going to be hard, but you can do it with dignity, and my god you'll be glad you did.

Been reading this and lurking and can only echo what most other people have said but this is definitely the single most shocking post I've read on here.

Spoke to DH about it last night and nearly cried imagining the utter shock, horror and hurt, poor, poor you Lou.

My Dad did somthing fairly similar to this but I could tell my parents weren't really happy, you seem to have been caught by total suprise (apart from recent worries about the distanced behaviour)

I have no advice really but I just wanted you to know how many people are feeling for you and admiring your strength and probably bloody horrified and scared how life can change in the blink of an eye through no fault of one's own

Hi Lou how are you today?
On the subject of how shocking this behaviour is, I actually had a dream last night that the same thing happened to me, even down to the chutney. I'm not even in a relationship! I agree with fairy's post above. I don't think is something anyone can truly forget. I think he's been very cowardly, whatever his 'reason' for this.

I am in awe of your strength Lou.
It almost feels like he's setting a test; one for the OW (if there is one) to see if she wants 'all' of him and one for you, to see how much you fight for him and beg. I do hope neither of you bother.
I also wonder if he wants to be able to cover things with the OW and say 'my wife can't manage without me, I have to go back to her' hence the texts and desperation, perhaps the grass wasn't greener after all and he realised this all too quickly.
Good for you for being calm and smart, I admire you and your family.

Thank you to everyone, really appreciate the support and kind words. Everytime I read the 'this is the most shocking thing I've heard' posts I just crumble. Because it doesn't seem real, and when I read it in black and white about how atrocious it all is, I just can't cope. I'm ok when I'm talking to people, but put me on my own and I just crumble. :-(

Slept ok last night at my parents, but the disadvantage of sleep is waking up and thinking 'where the fuck am I?' and then it all just hit me in the face like a fast hard train.

Some more thoughts. We've not been happy for weeks, lots of tension, arguments, mis-communications. I'm not perfect, I know that. His attitude was distinctly cold last week when he came back from Italy. Distant, moody, aggressive with me for about 4 days. Then I found the picture and confronted him, all of a sudden he was all over me. He had a reasonable explanation for it (apparently), but that was when he stopped the moodiness and the tetchiness, starting telling me how much he loved me, before he pissed off on Wednesday.

I now have a gut feeling (and I trust my gut) that he slept with this woman in Italy. Probably a one night stand. He wasn't really looking me in the eye when he came home, now it all makes sense. He was nervous and twitchy around me. Things have been difficult for weeks, but NEVER as difficult as when he came from Italy. It felt like he'd come back different somehow. I found the picture, I'd busted him. The 'she's never take me back' comments to his parents are because of what he's done? The going round to my parents on Wednesday afternoon saying 'I've let everyone down' comments are guilt? The 'I love you very much comments' again are through guilt?

All guessing of course, but this is striking a cord with me. And I may never know the truth, which is something that everyone keeps reminding me. But he has a massive fear of failure, put this together with his tempestuous emotional state, and all my anxious 'What's wrongs?' when he got back. He couldn't/wouldn't tell me.

I'm meeting him this afternoon. He again sent a begging text asking if could call me last night, I said 'no'. I then sent him a complete non emotional text saying 'Need to talk, but am only prepared to do it face to face. This or nothing'. He immediately responded to say he wanted to come home to see me and the cats (FFS) and I said no, somewhere neutral, so we're meeting in a pub. Probably only briefly. Again, have tried to do this on my terms as much as possible, but am prepared for the tears, the bullshit, the excuses, and no real answers. But don't feel I can really make any decisions until I see him. Any advice about what to say/not to say appreciated.

To be honest (ramble ramble), if he did have a one night stand, right now I feel I could cope with it. That's not my concern, it's everything that has followed. Confessed to my Mum that over the last few weeks if I've been readily meeting attractive people in attractive settings I could easily see the temptation given our marriage. And I believe I would be capable of doing if it he wouldn't find out. Not excusing ANYTHING here though, just being honest.

I would say as little as possible if you meet up. Listen, maybe ask a few questions but keep your cards close. If you're right, he's having a massive guilt-trip about his Italian fling and has a track record of not being able to handle conflict, then it might explain the van-hiring and house-clearing episode. i.e. Getting totally out of your life rather than facing the music. 'She's better off without me' etc.

The thing with drama-queens, however, is that this is how they maintain control. By acting in such an extreme fashion, they try to turn the whole thing from 'I'm sorry I have hurt you'.... into a more ego-centric... 'Look how much I am hurting'. Personally, I think that's a form of emotional blackmail/abuse similiar to the type that threatens to kill themselves when caught out or are asked to adjust their behaviour. This is not about him any more

So don't make excuses for him, be ready for the 'pity me' performance of a lifetime, be alert to any attempts by him to throw the blame your way, and .... above all.... don't let the relief of seeing him again mean you drop your guard and agree to anything on the spot. Your answer has to be 'I need time to think'.

"And I believe I would be capable of doing if it he wouldn't find out."

Believing is not 'doing'. That's the difference. You are clearly more responsible than he is and able to exercise self-restraint. I can see the doubts and rationalisation creeping in unfortunately. You're mentally preparing yourself for a reconciliation. You could cope with a one-night stand?... really? The 'I'm not perfect either' thought pattern is also a very slippery slope.

Whether you end up reconciling or not, this is your one chance to switch the power-balance in your relationship away from Mr Drama-Queen and to yourself. You have to be extremely tough, not start taking any blame and not giving an inch.

Does anyone know where he is staying ATM?