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Original poster

New man - redundancy - depression?

141 replies

theendishere · 01/08/2012 00:16

Been seeing someone for 1.5 months. he was made redundant a year ago from a co he'd worked for for over 20 years. He says he feels "flat", doesn't know what he wants to do, feels frgile, can't commit to anything, feels he not meeting my requirements, etc. He even said he wasn't sure he could spend 3 whole days/nightd with me as might need a break.
I really like him, but i've only recently split up with stbxh, still living in same house due to necessity, going thru hell sorting finances thry solicitors. Not sure if i can take anyone elses stress on top of mine. Sounds horribly selfish as really like him and want to help, but feel on the edge myslef too..
I know the sensible thing it to stop seeing him, but not sure i can tell him that. Apart form liking him alot he is also a distraction from all the crap i have going on,but i don;t feel it's right somehow with all he has going on too

OP posts:
PlumpDogdePodiumPunchesdeAir · 01/08/2012 00:23

No, it's not horribly selfish to stop seeing him. You don't owe him anything and you don't have responsibility for him, only for yourself.
And it actually sounds as if he's 'giving you permission' to end it (not that permission is needed...). It doesn't sounds as if he's trying to cling on to you or your relationship with him, but if he was, that would be all the more reason to get out quickly.
Only he can try and deal with the situation that he's in. If there's something between you that's worth pursuing, maybe get back in touch when times are better or things are easier to deal with. But certainly don't hold your breath, hang on to a dull and unsatisfactory thing or wait around. You won't be doing him or yourself any favours if you do.

izzyizin · 01/08/2012 00:30

With all the crap you've got going on, the last thing you need is the distraction of someone else's load of crap.

If you're going be distracted by anything, make it something that alleviates your stress and makes you feel good about yourself.

Original poster
theendishere · 01/08/2012 00:30

I did suggest to him a couple of times if it might bbe best to stop seeing eachother and he said he didn't want things to end. What he's said is sinking in now and i'm not sure i can deal with it..:(

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Original poster
theendishere · 01/08/2012 00:31

Yes, izzy, you're probably right. I didn't realise until tonight just how bad he felt about his redundancy, and the terrible effect its having on him

OP posts:
PlumpDogdePodiumPunchesdeAir · 01/08/2012 00:39

Hang on a second, and excuse me if I sound harsh, but you've known this man for 1.5 months? He was made redundant a year ago?
So you didn't know him before he was made redundant?
You can't save him, it's not your duty to do so, nor is it possible to save him. (He'll get by without you. Honest.)
Be tough with yourself, first of all. And if you don't want to be with him, FGS finish it.

izzyizin · 01/08/2012 01:16

You need to be around people who are upbeat and cheerful - in short, honey, you need to have some fun with a capital 'F'.

There's of it available but you're not going to find it with him.

izzyizin · 01/08/2012 01:16

There's plenty of it available...

Original poster
theendishere · 01/08/2012 08:39

Plump, the thing is that i do want to be with him. yes i know its only been 1.5 months and i know it's not my duty to help him - I want to! At the same time, if i do see anyone while while my own situation is so stressful, I'm not sure i can deal with things, esp almost the rejection (although at least honest) statement from him that he didn't know if he could managed us being together for 3 days without a break...

OP posts:
Original poster
theendishere · 01/08/2012 14:45

Thanks for all your replies.
Due to see him later and feel quite anxious about it. The mor i think about it, it sounded last night like he wanted me to end things, although when i asked him he said that wasn't the case and did still want to see me...
Any other opinions, etc would be greatly appreciated :) Feel like crying atm

OP posts:
PlumpDogdePodiumPunchesdeAir · 01/08/2012 15:06

theend - It sounds as if in quite typical depressed fashion, he's not able/willing to clear about much.
So make sure you put yourself first. Don't try and work out what he really means or really wants - because there almost certainly isn't reall an answer while he's in the state he's in. Don't try and do what's best for him, because what's best for him is definitely to let him look after himself - whether or not you're having any sort of relationship with him on any level.
Just make sure you're rigorously honest with yourself about what you want and need and whether or not you're getting it, and look after yourself. In the long run that's definitely going to be best for him too.

MissFaversam · 01/08/2012 15:14

He was made redundant a "year" ago and is still bloody depressed?

Oh for god sake OP dump him.

ElizabethX · 01/08/2012 15:16

too needy. dump.

Original poster
theendishere · 01/08/2012 15:17

MissF - that's a bit harsh! He enjoyed the first 6 months and then got a job which only lasted a few weeks as he hated it so much. Since thenhe's been trying to work out what to do but isn't getting anywhere as it seems to be a vicious circle for him of having no enthusiasm/clarity and therefore does nothing as he can't decide what to do.
Plump - assume you mean "care" about much not "clear" about much??

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Original poster
theendishere · 01/08/2012 15:18

Elizabeth - him or me?!

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MaloryMad · 01/08/2012 15:22

Seeing as you've only just split up with ex, and this is such a new relationship, I'd say you must put yourself first. If you'd been together longer I'd be all for tyring to help him through it all but you've got enough on your plate.
Get yourself sorted first. Maybe if you two have a break you could get back together when you're both in a better place.
What's his previous relationship history like?

MissFaversam · 01/08/2012 15:27

Harsh maybe but my opinion. Why go for trouble/problems when there's no need?

changeforthebetter · 01/08/2012 15:31

I am a bit Hmm at some of the comments on here. Finding new jobs when you are over a certain age is bloody hard. He is probably aware of this. Poor guy. I do feel sorry for him.

However IMVHO, I don't think you should be gearing up to help him either. You could stay friends if you think that would be a support. He doesn't need a relationship right now and you don't need this grief while you are still healing.

Good luck with your decision Smile

PlumpDogdePodiumPunchesdeAir · 01/08/2012 15:32

Meant to say 'be clear' - but actually 'care' would do too!
But consensus on this one seems pretty clear, no?

Also, though, do you think that by hoping for/holding out for some sort of relationship with him, you might be hanging on to the 'possibility'/fantasy of something better than what life seems to offer ATM? From what you say, it seems as if you're quite willing to make excuses for him - again, sorry if I sound harsh, but you seem to be defending him and persuading yourself that he's potentially so much more than what he actually is and that how he is is a much diminished version of his 'real' self - IYSWIM. Which all looks a bit like wishful thinking.

PlumpDogdePodiumPunchesdeAir · 01/08/2012 15:33

Hmm, changes - he did pack in a new job after 6 weeks, though...

SerendipitousHarlot · 01/08/2012 15:33

I agree completely with MissF. Who needs it? Dump him and go out with someone that isn't depressed, and have some fun!

PS - OP, it has only been SIX. WEEKS.

ImperialBlether · 01/08/2012 15:39

I find it odd that he enjoyed the first six months of unemployment. Did he have a redundancy deal and spend six months doing nothing?

ElizabethX · 01/08/2012 15:39

I thought the idea was you have mad crazy fun for a bit then if you still like it settle down into a more demanding and thoughtful relationship. This involves weathering a bit of crap together and is a useful bellwether for your strength as a couple.

he's going straight for the dump-on-you let's weather some crap bit. doesn't it get worse from here rather than better?

as a workmate of mine used to say - Is this your dream job? If not, what are you doing to get it?

Original poster
theendishere · 01/08/2012 16:36

Yes, He's fully aware that it's difficult at this age (49) and yes he got a huge pay off so decided to enjoy a few months of freedom to begin with. Now he feels he needs to do something but doesn't know what and as we know the jobs market is pretty awful atm.

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ImperialBlether · 01/08/2012 16:40

You see, I'd dump him for that stupidity alone. Didn't he think that it would be better to go from one job to another?

PlumpDogdePodiumPunchesdeAir · 01/08/2012 16:45

49 going on a-slightly-immature-22, theend?
It would have been quite clear a year ago to most people that if they wanted to work again following redundancy, they'd better get on the case very quickly.