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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New man - redundancy - depression?

141 replies

theendishere · 01/08/2012 00:16

Been seeing someone for 1.5 months. he was made redundant a year ago from a co he'd worked for for over 20 years. He says he feels "flat", doesn't know what he wants to do, feels frgile, can't commit to anything, feels he not meeting my requirements, etc. He even said he wasn't sure he could spend 3 whole days/nightd with me as might need a break.
I really like him, but i've only recently split up with stbxh, still living in same house due to necessity, going thru hell sorting finances thry solicitors. Not sure if i can take anyone elses stress on top of mine. Sounds horribly selfish as really like him and want to help, but feel on the edge myslef too..
I know the sensible thing it to stop seeing him, but not sure i can tell him that. Apart form liking him alot he is also a distraction from all the crap i have going on,but i don;t feel it's right somehow with all he has going on too

OP posts:
HissyByName · 04/09/2012 11:26

?He said he wanted us to go out somewhere tomorrow and didn't want me to think he just wanted me for sex."

He ACTUALLY said that? Out LOUD?

My BF would never say that, it'd never ocurr to him! A man who says that IS actually saying that they're only with you for sex.

Why else would it be on his mind?

End it. Regardless. This is destroying your soul.

Think about it. Who wants a GF that cries, after only 2m?

You are NOT in the right place for a relationship, THAT'S why he's not bothered. You ARE a FWB for him.

Dump him before he dumps you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/09/2012 11:31

"maybe it would be different if i didn't feel the 'need' to escape from the house an have other things to think about "

It would also be different if you were calm, relaxed and happily enjoying your independent status rather than stressed, tearful and needy. It sort of cuts both ways.

Original poster
theendishere · 04/09/2012 11:47

He said about not just wanting me for sex becuase i've said to him a couple of times that that's how i feel sometimes - he was trying to convince me otherwise.

OP posts:
glastocat · 04/09/2012 11:51

theendishere, he is a loser because he doesn't have anything going for him! I have suffered from serious depression myself in the past, and would not have had the energy or inclination to sustain a new relationship when I was ill, so if he really is depressed he needs to get better! I also wouldnt have wanted to drag a new partner down with me!

My husband is also currently unemployed, but is working his tail off organising our emigration, applying for jobs and doing all the housework. Your man just doesnt seem to have any spark about him, and you've only been with him a tiny while. Why would you bother? There are plenty of people out there you could be having fun with!

I never can understand people starting new relationships that are already full of problems, the first ten years I was with my husband we had a complete blast, it was only once we had our son we calmed down a bit. But twenty years in we still have a proper laugh, why would anyone settle for less? Why make yourself unhappy by diving into a relationship that is shit at the very start?

expatinscotland · 04/09/2012 11:51

The only thing he's trying to convince you of is to allow him to use you for sex.

He's just not that into you.

HissyByName · 04/09/2012 11:52

Well then, listen to your OWN ffing instincts!

You thought it. It's true. He's NOT that into you, you ARE just a shag.

You know it. Stop allowing yourself to be used like this.

Your ExH has damaged your esteem, OK, but you're carrying on with the job!

You need a proper loving friendship witha man that becomes your lover, not this bloke.

If I had an inkling that I was a diversion, an escape from a shitty home situation, I'd be wheelspinning off into the sunset.

Come ON!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/09/2012 11:53

If you feel that way about someone just six short weeks into a relationship it's not a good thing. In this case his behaviour makes me think your fears are warranted, but it could also mean that you're not ready for another relationship yet.

glastocat · 04/09/2012 12:01

Wow, six weeks. You shouldnt be getting out of bed in the first six weeks months, let alone be crying over him!

Original poster
theendishere · 04/09/2012 12:38

I know you're probably right that he's not really into me.
It's nearly 3 months now though. I will try to be strong and at leasr not contact him today

OP posts:
HissyByName · 04/09/2012 12:59

It's 2m and a bit. Don't build it up.

Distance yourself in your head. Be upfront and focus onsorting your Ex out. It'll really serve you well in the future.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/09/2012 13:06

"I know you're probably right that he's not really into me. "

And, to be fair, you're not that into him. You've got plenty of doubts and concerns of your own, you even started by saying 'I don't feel it's right somehow'. How you feel is far more important than his opinion.

givemeaclue · 04/09/2012 13:20

Don't contact him again full stop. It's only desperation making you do this. Text your friends and see who wants go cinema tomorrow night so you are not tempted to meet him. Them start on a plan for the weekend that does not involve him. If you need to get out the house go and staywith friend r relative for the weekkend. Gate you considered voluntary work? Can do at weekend and will meet people and get out house same costs nothing.

expatinscotland · 04/09/2012 13:31

I would stop contacting him full stop, too. He might booty call you. When you do it's time to tell him not to do so again.

givemeaclue · 04/09/2012 13:41

Also when you do meet Someone new, I wouldn't necessarily tell them about "all the crap" so early on. Enjoy having fun together in early stages of relationship but don't try take them your main emotional tsupport

Original poster
theendishere · 05/09/2012 12:31

Cogito - i am very into him, the issue is that he doesn't seem to feel the same/gives very mixed messages.
He has done things for me, eg fixing lawn mower, etc which he didn't have to do if he was just after sex, but yet on the other hand everything else seems to come before me, he didn't call when he got back form hols til i suggested it, apart from the first couple of times we met, he doesn't compliment me or say how he feels, doesn't seem to like us spending the night together, couldn't cope with is being together for 3 days - not looking good is it

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/09/2012 12:45

If he doesn't feel the same about you then stop torturing yourself and end it. The 'hot, cold, he loves me, he loves me not' angst is exhausting enough when you're a teenager with nothing else going on in life. When you're an adult going through a difficult divorce and you have responsibilities it's really not helping.

Original poster
theendishere · 05/09/2012 14:48

Just looked on a dating site, purely out of interest.....found him on there :(((

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 05/09/2012 16:41

Hi OP. Been lurking. So it looks like your instincts about things being not quite right were correct Sad. Send the polite dumpy text, then ignore ignore ignore.

When you have got through your current crap divorce situation and got back on your feet, I think you'll see you weren't thinking too clearly about this man, honestly. You have invested a lot in him because you feel vulnerable after the end of your marriage and want to prove as quickly as possible that you CAN have a successful relationship. It's not working because he just isn't the Mr Amazing you keep hoping he is (he's not even being exclusive, as you now know). In fact, it's probably just as well he isn't Mr Amazing, because if he was you'd have met him far too early!

It really isn't a sign of any particularly wonderful relationship that you can cry in front of somebody. The very fact that you see that as important reflects the crappy stage of life you're in at the moment. Honestly I'd give a wide berth to future hook-up suggestions from mates for the time being.

MadBusLady · 05/09/2012 17:01

Oh, and you'll get more scattered a few more emotional crumbs of comfort when you send the dumpy text by the way. You have to be stern with yourself about not giving in.

He seemed sad when i talked about ending things last night and didn't want to.

Seemed? It's hardly Casablanca stuff is it? And of course he didn't want it to end, he's got a sweet deal!

HissyByName · 05/09/2012 19:13

Why are you so into him? He's not into you, he's into himself by the looks of things.

Sounds like you're into THE IDEA of him.

Stop calling, texting etc, no.need.to.actually dump him, he's not really 'there'.

IF he contacts you, your only reply is to text him the url to his profile page.

Put your dignity.first and foremost.

(((Hug)))

So sorry, we.hate to be this right about someone... but at least you know now.

SobaSoma · 06/09/2012 09:20

Everyone's right OP, you shouldn't feel this awful so early in a relationship (if it actually is a relationship). It just ain't going to get better (I know this from my own experience). You've simply got to remove him from your life now - you can't possibly want to have anything to do with him now you know he's still active online and is probably seeing other women (or wants to).

Don't dump him by text, don't do anything. Delete all his texts now and don't even open any that he might send you from now on, just delete them straight away. Sort out your divorce and learn how to be happy alone before you meet anyone else.

Original poster
theendishere · 06/09/2012 10:10

Thanks all. I did ask him about the dating site and he said his profile was still on there for a year ago and he hsn;t used it for ages

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 06/09/2012 11:17

I thought you'd come back and say that.

So he is now Mr Amazing again is he?

MadBusLady · 06/09/2012 11:22

Sorry, that really sounds a lot more mean than I meant it to! Blush

Consider it a friendly slap. If you ARE happy with this guy (and believe his dating profile explanation), then great, but everything else you've said on this thread suggests you're not happy with him, and every new unhappy thing that happens you find a way to explain away, or just let it drift on uneasily until the next time something unhappy happens. It's just a bit of a pattern. If this was your mate's thread and you read it, what would you say to her?

givemeaclue · 06/09/2012 12:45

Of course he said that. Can't believe you are still in contact with him , you are determined to flog a dead horse on this one. Give it up! Seriously, life is too short!