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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New man - redundancy - depression?

141 replies

theendishere · 01/08/2012 00:16

Been seeing someone for 1.5 months. he was made redundant a year ago from a co he'd worked for for over 20 years. He says he feels "flat", doesn't know what he wants to do, feels frgile, can't commit to anything, feels he not meeting my requirements, etc. He even said he wasn't sure he could spend 3 whole days/nightd with me as might need a break.
I really like him, but i've only recently split up with stbxh, still living in same house due to necessity, going thru hell sorting finances thry solicitors. Not sure if i can take anyone elses stress on top of mine. Sounds horribly selfish as really like him and want to help, but feel on the edge myslef too..
I know the sensible thing it to stop seeing him, but not sure i can tell him that. Apart form liking him alot he is also a distraction from all the crap i have going on,but i don;t feel it's right somehow with all he has going on too

OP posts:
LastMangoInParis · 07/08/2012 13:34

theend - there's no need for you to agonise about how best to finish it with him. He's not that into anything serious with you, so it's not as if you've got to find a compassionate way to let him down gently...
TBH it sounds as if your worrying about how to finish with him is you finding another way to think about him - because he's a distraction for you, and not one you want to let go of so that you can deal with more important things.
Just don't bother to answer his texts at all if you don't feel like it, he'll probably get the message, but don't waste your time agonising about his feelings. It doesn't sound as if he's that bothered.

Londonista1975 · 08/08/2012 20:41

How's things, theendishere?

Original poster
theendishere · 17/08/2012 00:11

We've had long talks and he thinks he's depressed and has start to see a counsellor. had my first night with him recently nad he was clearly stressed/uneasy in the morning - he apologised afterwards but really think he's in a bad way. I fancy him like mad and w can talk for hours (not at all just about his state of mind!) but he seems distant sometimes and I really don;t know what to do. I'm reluctant to end it as i feel such an attration for him and really like him and enjoy his company, yet there's something not quite right...

OP posts:
Original poster
theendishere · 17/08/2012 07:05

bump

OP posts:
happyAvocado · 19/08/2012 20:44

Don't fall into that old trap that you can rescue him & help him.
Only he can if he is willing to.

Depression is a dark side of the Moon, my ex suffers from it and I was affected by his dark moods. Nothing to envy and nothing to miss.

Original poster
theendishere · 30/08/2012 16:23

I've ust got back form spending 3 nights with him. First one was great...til the morning. He was very tired as he'd harldy slept. He said he's not used to having someone else in the bed, i woke him when i went to the loo, etc, he's a light sleeper. The next evening, he was very qiet and tired, i asked if i'd done somthing to annoy him, or if he wanted me to go home. He said no to both, just that he was very tired, had 'clammed up' agian, flet like the morning after the first night, i he said he wasn't what i needed - he thinks i need stability and he didn't want to give me more stress. I asked if he wanted us to stop seeing eachother and he said no and he 'likes' me. Later i was sitting next to him watching tv, and i just felt tears coming, he didn't acknowldge it for a while. He again said how bad he was feeling, h didnt know himself, etc and i just couldn't take any more - i burst into tears and said i couldn't listen to any more of it and went to get my things ready to leave. I stood by the door for a minute and he asked if i was really going, and i said i thought thats what he wanted. I then couldn't stop crying, he did hug me for a long time til i calmd down and asked me to stay so i did.
The next day was much better, with us both apologising, but now i'm home, i cn't help but worry about where this is heading. I'm feeling more and more attached to him, yet the way he can be/his depression worries me

OP posts:
joblot · 30/08/2012 16:51

I had a similar experience recently. Had come out of a crap relationship and started seeing someone. They were depressed and I felt anxious. I posted on here and got the courage to get out. It's surprisingly hard but god its so good afterwards.

You sound unhappy. There are lots of attractive people around and you will meet someone else. Im now seeing someone and so far its an absolute joy. Which is how it should be.

Original poster
theendishere · 30/08/2012 16:59

Thanks joblot. It's even harder atm as i still share a house with stbx - he's refused to move out and i have nowhere to go.
New man is kind of a distraction from all that's going on here, and most of the time when we're together it's really good. The other thing is he's very verbally 'unexpressive'. He's told me a few times i look nice when i've got ready to go out, but not a lot else. I kind of stop myself saying 'nice' things because of it. He said he finds it hard to open up about his feelings

OP posts:
joblot · 30/08/2012 17:52

I did some straight talking with ex- said how I felt she was depressed, not ready perhaps for a relationship, how it made me anxious and how underwhelmed she seemed by me. I want someone to look at me and get excited. And to tell me how fabulous I am. She didn't. Not a good start.

If he can't express feelings, how healthy will it be for you? Not very, I'd suggest. You need to be appreciated for how smashing you are, theendishere. We all do

HissyByName · 30/08/2012 22:06

You're clinging to this relationship to soothe yourself, its not working, its a disaster.

End it, it'll drag you both down.

Give yourself the time and space you need, get into your own place, away from your ex, give yourself the time and attention you yourself need.

Relationships, good ones, will follow.

HissyByName · 30/08/2012 22:14

At the beginning, its supposed to be great ALL the time!

I'm 4m in, my bf tells me all the time how gorgeous i am, he's got low level depression too, your relationship is too much like hard work.

You need someone more into you, what you have sounds soul destroying tbh.
(((Hugs)))

Original poster
theendishere · 02/09/2012 19:47

Thanks everyone :)
I guess it is a distraction from all the awful stuff that's going on at home with stbx.
He's not once told me i'm gorgeous/beautiful, or similar - well, the things we like to hear! He's said he "likes" me. I don't feel he really wants to spend time with me other than a couple of evenings a week, and kind of feel i do most of the running. Having said that, he texts first nearly every day

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HissyByName · 02/09/2012 20:09

Trust your instincts, this guy's not good enough for you.

After all the shit you've put up with, you need to be HAPPY!

Focus on sorting out the ex situation, get that over and done with asap, once you're free from that, the rest of life will fall into place.

Original poster
theendishere · 03/09/2012 08:18

Thanks Hissy. I've been focussing on sorting the ex situation for months but have made so little progress - not due to my lack of efforts at all; all due to his delays and refusal to cooperate.
This man has listened to all the crap and the good bits are a distraction from how seriously horrific things are at home, however at times he makes me feel kind of 'empty' and although he describes me as his 'girlfriend', i don't feel like i do when i'm someones girlfriend - if that makes sense?

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joblot · 03/09/2012 09:24

Ah theend its not making you happy, however pretty he is and even if he listens attentively to you reading a shopping list.

That's why you posted on here. Can you find some otherdistractions to help you thru the crap with stbx? Anyone else you can talk to about it?

Original poster
theendishere · 04/09/2012 08:09

We talked for ages last night about his "unexpressiveness". He said again he "likes" me and looks forward to seeing me, but struggled with our 3 days together and wasn't just going to tell me things i wanted to hear. I told him i hold back saying how i feel nto him, because he does and was getting very attached to him. To me he is physically perfect, i love his voice, his smile, everything, i can cry in front of him ( have trouble with that with some people). i just want him near me and now i don't nknow what to do

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givemeaclue · 04/09/2012 09:21

You do know what to do -end the "relationship".you seem unable to do that. Wonder whether you find the drama of the crap boyfriend a distraction from more serious issues. Move on and find a boyfriend who is fun, expresSING and distracts you by having a great time with you rather than by making you cry. It's ridiculous! Don't get addicted to drama/crisis boyfriends. You are wasting your time with all this handwringing. Get a grip and get rid of him.

expatinscotland · 04/09/2012 09:24

This person is not that into you. You really need to move on and find another distraction from the things that are going on in your life.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/09/2012 09:42

You're in grave danger of jumping out of the frying pan into the fire because you're lonely. You are judging the new man against the old one and that's no comparison. You should be judging the new man on his own merits and there is a lot wrong with what's going on. If you were happy to treat him as casually as he treats you.... if you were solely using him for sex and companionship ... then I'd say go for it. But you're taking it far too seriously and hoping for qualities in this person that they simply don't reciprocate. That's why you feel empty.

Original poster
theendishere · 04/09/2012 09:53

It's true i am lonely as all my friends are married and usually busy at the weekends. To start with i thought i could just use him as a "distraction" and a couple of nights out and sex, but i've found myself wanting more.
he went on hols for a week with his family, and just texted when he got bback, didn't even call til i suggeseted wit would be good to have a chat.
It seems his kids (which of course is understandable) come first, then football, then needing time alone, then he fits me in.
He seemed sad when i talked about ending things last night and didn't want to. He said he wanted us to go out somewhere tomorrow and didn't want me to think he just wanted me for sex.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/09/2012 10:09

You're hoping for more and it isn't there so you're clutching at straws. I've been in that situation, recognise that hollow feeling you describe and, whilst you think it doesn't matter that you want different things, it ultimately does. Being separated and living under the same roof is highly stressful and will be affecting your confidence. Otherwise you would say 'I come first' and not entertain anything that fell short of that.

I really think you need to stop seeing the new guy, finalise your divorce & get to grips with independence. Once the dust has settled and you've had chance to decide what you want out of life, then you'll make better decisions about the kind of partner to share it with.

glastocat · 04/09/2012 10:40

He seems like a total loser to me. Why are you persisting with a relationship that is making you unhappy? This guy is never going to be the person you want him to be.

Original poster
theendishere · 04/09/2012 11:11

Glasto - why a total loser?
Cogito - yes you're right about the being separated and living together being stressful and yes, maybe it would be different if i didn't feel the 'need' to escape from the house an have other things to think about

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 04/09/2012 11:17

Divorce is painful. There's so much emptiness, when you finally separate, but filling the gap with this person isn't doing you any favours, and it's not making you happy.

Tell the new guy, today, that you're through and move on.

givemeaclue · 04/09/2012 11:19

Why on earth are you going out with him tomorrow night? It's not working! Time to call it a day. Everyone here is telling you to end it but you won't take the advice but continue to see someone who let's face it, is just not that bothered. This won't get better -quit whilst you are ahead. Being able to cry in front of someone is not the key element to a great relationship -his behaviour should not be flipping making you cry. It's all angst and no fun. Move on!