Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It is happening - we are meeting up. // I'm bursting!!!!

180 replies

LoveChlorine · 27/07/2012 23:41

My OH and I split about 3 years ago. We get on well, I think if is fair to say that we are both keen to get on for the sake of our DDs.

Lately I have been getting on well with DD1's coach. We developed a text EA, (his relationship broke down earlier in Feb this year, our texts started about 2 months ago). We have now agreed to meet at a local Beef Eater for lunch with a hotel connected to it on Monday. The plan is to have lunch but I can not help thinking about the hotel next door. I so want to end up at the hotel... Stuff lunch!!! Doubt I will be able to swallow anything anyway... I can't think of anything else. Have made an appointment for waxing etc. this saturday. I'm not sure if this is love but I haven't felt like this in ages and haven't had any ... since OH left.

I feel as if I'm going to burst.... totally terrified... and exited.

10 years younger... make it 15 at least...

Any advice appreciated... Please help.... This can so not go wrong...

OP posts:
Melpomene · 28/07/2012 12:03

cross posted there

Mellower · 28/07/2012 12:06

Oh you sound like me 7 weeks ago.... a build up of months, only to be told "i'm not looking for a relationship". Hold a bit back, if it is meant to be there will be a second date and you can go to the "hotel"!

He was also 10 years younger! Was a good date though, we were going to repeat it but then I got pissed off at him and meh!!

Gibbous · 28/07/2012 12:15

I don't have any opinion on whether the OP should sleep with him on a first date or not. I do think though she needs to wipe talk of "love" out of the equation.

That ("I'm not sure if this is love but haven't felt like this in ages") plus shagging someone who might very well just be after a one-off, and is her DD's coach to boot, is the key consideration.

The potential for polar opposite expectations relating to a man with ties to her DD is a recipe for disaster.

But OP, if you can confidently say you can shag him and not give a fig if it ends there or not, go for it.

Gibbous · 28/07/2012 12:19

There's also: "We both have DCs it would not be right to meet up at our homes. I would not do that until this develops in to something more secure. "

Sorry OP but you really, really need to rein yourself back, you're expecting way too much of this and it sounds like you're already in deep.

Consider that he might just be after one shag and not even want to text you again after that. And only then make your decision.

mirry2 · 28/07/2012 12:22

until ? it develops? I think the op is making some worrying assumptions

Zhaghzhagh · 28/07/2012 12:26

Okay, EA = emotional affair. Thank goodness for that. I thought it was something to do with an Estate Agent and I was going to tell OP not to trust him.

Gibbous · 28/07/2012 12:30

I have to say also, and I wouldn't like to tar all coaches with the same brush, but be aware that kids' coaches enjoy the position of being admired by a lot of single mums.

Just sayin.

tethersphotofinish · 28/07/2012 12:30

Heaven forbid she should assume it develops into something more stable. Why not? Should she always assume that it won't? Embarking on every new encounter with that level of cynicism would be just as worrying, TBH.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 28/07/2012 12:32

Gibbous, that's interesting, my DS is a kids' coach. Must warn his fiancee... Grin

Gibbous · 28/07/2012 12:42

And he's probably got a lot of single mums' admiration! I didn't say they acted upon it - hence the comment re brush tarring - I've just known a couple of (single coaches) who have.

Tethers, no-one says she should assume it won't, of course that is the hope, but she should simply be prepared for the possibility that a one-off Beefeater Hotel shag will be all it is.

Expect the best, prepare for the worst.

tethersphotofinish · 28/07/2012 12:57

But is thinking that it will develop into something more stable really a 'worrying assumption'? I find that sad.

Gibbous · 28/07/2012 13:08

I didn't make that comment but if you want my opinion no I don't believe that thinking the start of a 'thing' will develop into something more stable, of course not. If you didn't you'd be a dried up cynical old hag like me

But the OP isn't just thinking it will, she's mentioned love and 'until' it becomes more secure, she does seem to be putting over and above the usual emotional investment and expectation into something before even the first date. And if he sorted the restaurant next to the hotel arrangement he might well just be after a shag with nothing else to come.

I'm worried her rock solid belief will be shattered if he has entirely different expectations and she'll be back on here upset.

Gibbous · 28/07/2012 13:09

*I don't believe that thinking the start of a 'thing' will develop into something more stable is a worrying assumption, I meant.

saggyhairyarse · 28/07/2012 13:10

I must say, I share the same thoughts as SEA about the 'whole date'. A first date in a Beefeater and then slipping to the hotel next door jsut sounds really shit. My current BF (STBXBF) is a fan of Beefeaters and Wetherspoons, people that like shit food generally have shit standards imo. However there is nothing wrong with going there if it is a quick fix in an emergency situation but this is a first date and should be a bit special (though doesn't have to be over the top).

Gibbous · 28/07/2012 13:15

And sorry, yes, if she's in any way emotionally attached already (which from the bits I've quoted she seems to be), sleeping with him will probably only deepen that.

She just needs to tread a little more delicately is all, until she's either sure she can deal with a potential one-off with her child's coach or she is sure it will be more. I think that latter bit is why some posters are advising against sleeping with him on the first date because she may end up hurt if it's not more, not that they're saying it definitely won't be.

mirry2 · 28/07/2012 13:20

the assumptions she seemed to be making is that it will develop into something more. That was what I was querying. I hope it does but it's by no means certain at this stage

CuriousMama · 28/07/2012 13:26

You sound way too giddy. How old are you btw? Who's idea was it to book the meal next to the hotel?

Milkandlotsofwineplease · 28/07/2012 13:32

I'm going to agree with the posters who are saying don't sleep with him I'm afraid OP!

You clearly really like him, and whilst I'm sure in some cases sex on a first date leads to something more long term it also very often doesn't. I don't think you sound emotionally strong enough to cope with the chance that it might be a one off and you may never hear from him again.

Your heart is fragile and nobody will protect it except you! Go out with him, have fun and then go home (alone) at the end of the date. After all, if he IS somebody who could turn into something more long term then you have all the time in the world to jump into bed with him.

I speak as experience. Having jumped in rude bits first with 2 men in the past year, and then watched their opinion of my go down with every shag until they literally had no interest in my whatsoever. It's heartbreaking and I would urge you to make sure you don't end up in a similar situation.

tethersphotofinish · 28/07/2012 13:46

I know, mirry- as I said, to find that assumption worrying makes me sad. If somebody believes that things will become more stable, that's not necessarily a bad thing.

tethersphotofinish · 28/07/2012 13:46

Nor is it a good thing to believe they won't.

Milkandlotsofwineplease · 28/07/2012 13:52

Unfortunately teher in the modern dating world I think it's safer to assume things won't work out. If they do then great but if not you won't have the massive fall out of disappointment/rejection to deal with.

With the last couple of guys I've met things quite literally went the worst way they possibly could. Unfortunately it colours your expectations for future relationships. I wish it didn't of course but that's modern life for you!

Offred · 28/07/2012 14:05

"worrying assumptions" and "modern world" oh dear...

Anyway I read that bit as a general I wouldn't introduce anybody until it was serious point...

tethersphotofinish · 28/07/2012 14:06

I completely disagree, milk.

I was single for six years before I met DP, and had my heart broken many times. I also broke many Wink

If I had played it safe and avoided getting hurt, I would never have had some of the amazing experiences I've had. Hurt (not abuse) shouldn't be avoided at all costs- it's part of the process.

Assuming things will not go anywhere at every turn is utterly depressing, and will do nothing to soften the blow if it doesn't; the hurt will be the same as if you'd assumed the best.

Gibbous · 28/07/2012 14:41

I am just concerned that the OP's emotional investment and attachment appears to go significantly above and beyond the usual, understandable excitement and hope before a first date and that they could be more than that of a guy who's waited, texting, for two months before arranging lunch at a Beefeater next to a hotel. And, more importantly, that the OP doesn't seem to have even considered the possibility he may not want what she does.

Sorry OP, I genuinely hope his expectations are the same as yours.

IslaValargeone · 28/07/2012 14:48

The mention of love made me wince slightly, but for some reason I just can't think further than the 'Local Beefeater with a hotel connected to it' I mean fgs if this is your starting point, how low can it go.