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Original poster

Inappropriate Work Colleague

302 replies

FragglesRock · 27/07/2012 00:38

I'm a fairly longtime lurker here but first time poster. I'll try and keep it brief but I'd appreciate some advice.

I work with a group of mainly men and a few women, all of whom are older than me. I've been working there about two years now. Most of us get together socially from time to time, usually having a few drinks round somebody's house or in a pub after work or the odd day out. There's only 14 of us in the office so we all know each other.

So that happens as normal tonight. Gradually people leave and it's left with me and one of the men left, we're at his house because his wife and one-year-old child are away. Bearing in mind I was (am) sober, I think I've had two drinks which normally doesn't make a dent in me (I'm Irish, haha), and I'd never had any reason to distrust him in the past. I've met his wife, and he knows I have a partner but has never met him.

He started hitting on me, so I told him I had a partner and so did he. He then started to talk about how he's fancied me ever since he's met me and started trying to kiss me. I said I felt uncomfortable and wanted to leave. He tried to persuade me to stay over, tried to feel me up and then when I stood up to leave the house he hugged me and I could actually feel his erection. I left the house very quickly and walked the 20 minutes or so home feeling fairly shaken.

He's text me asking if I got home safe, and I replied to say I had, and he's text me again but I think I'm going to ignore that. He doesn't work Fridays so I won't see him tomorrow but I'll have to see him next week. I'm not really sure what to do about it.

Sorry it's long.

OP posts:
FloraFox · 27/07/2012 00:45

Why did you stay after everyone else left? I would pretend nothing had happened.

badgeroncaffeine · 27/07/2012 00:47

I would have gone for it...if it was someone I fancied :)

tribpot · 27/07/2012 00:49

Right, I think you've got a number of options. The most extreme of which (call the police) you could do tomorrow (or tonight). But probably it's better to take the weekend to think it over. Likewise you could involve HR and if you were going to do that, probably better to do so tomorrow than wait.

I assume you've told your partner about what happened. If not you should do so - you have nothing to hide.

Personally I would email him and say his behaviour was massively inappropriate, you are shocked, angry and shaken by it. And you are considering what the appropriate next steps are. A lot then depends on how he reacts to that (he should be absolutely shitting himself, frankly).

See how you feel in the office tomorrow. You may want to tell someone. You may want some time off. Go easy on yourself, it sounds like a horrible experience.

lilolilmanchester · 27/07/2012 00:52

I would ignore it, but if he brings it up make it clear his behaviour was unacceptable. Not wise to be left on your own with a man- sounds like he'd jumped to the wrong conclusion as a result (not that I'm saying it's your fault or that what he did was ok, just that it's a situation to avoid in future)

badgeroncaffeine · 27/07/2012 00:53

Calling the police for a hug...are you for real tribpot?

Original poster
FragglesRock · 27/07/2012 00:58

FloraFox - the last person had left only a couple of minutes before. We were chatting about something work-related and I stupidly assumed it would be fine to continue the conversation for a couple more minutes before leaving.

tribpot - I will be telling my partner tomorrow. He's away for his job at the moment so I don't want to phone him up and only make him worry. I think I want to tell my boss just so she's aware, but I'm not sure I could do that in person. She's lovely but it's hard enough to find the words to say what happened typing. I think I will send him an email tomorrow and tell him it's inappropriate. I'm not sure what I'd do if he reacted badly though.

OP posts:
lilolilmanchester · 27/07/2012 01:02

you must definitely make it clear to him that his behaviour was inappropriate and that it has really upset you. What you do next might depend on how he reacts. As you can see from the above, there's a huge range of suggestions re possible actions, I| don't agree with them all and others won't agree with my sugggestions. Only you know what works for you in this situation.

Sleep on it, and think it through in the morning? you know there'll be lots of support for you on here whatever you decide to do x

lilolilmanchester · 27/07/2012 01:02

(having said ignore it in the first place - but that was before I read your next bit about others only having just left)

tribpot · 27/07/2012 01:03

Suggesting she should have gone for it if she fancied him - are you for real badgeroncaffeine? The OP is feeling vulnerable and was put in a horrible situation.

I said it would be an extreme option, but it was more than a hug, as the OP has stated. She shouldn't have to feel it was her mistake by being alone with a man from work.

lilolilmanchester · 27/07/2012 01:05

Tribot - I agree that the OP shouldn't have to feel it was her mistake by being alone with a man from work. But would still suggest it's not the wisest position to put yourself in - as she found out. Not saying what happened wasn't bad but it could have been a lot worse.

KissMyEmbroideryHoop · 27/07/2012 01:13

So what Lilo....she can stay for a drink and has the right to feel safe when with a colleague in a social situation...she must have felt ok around him to stay there...it's not her fault!

OP he is scared now...hence the 2nd txt. I would text him back that you did not appreciate the overtures and would be appreciative if he never mentions it again or you wont be at all happy.

And KEEP ALL THE TEXTS>

KissMyEmbroideryHoop · 27/07/2012 01:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

BonnieBumble · 27/07/2012 01:16

Badger - are you drunk?

Original poster
FragglesRock · 27/07/2012 01:17

Thanks everyone. I'm going to send him an email in the morning I think, but first I'm going to go to bed and get some sleep. I really appreciate the support.

badgeroncaffeine - even if I did fancy him, he has a wife and a kid. I already feel guilty that I could have been the cause of someone cheating on their partner.

OP posts:
LapsusLinguae · 27/07/2012 01:17

FloraFox I am disgusted that you would post Why did you stay after everyone else left? Angry - this is totally and utterly irrelevant.

and event worse lilolilmanchester Not wise to be left on your own with a man- sounds like he'd jumped to the wrong conclusion as a result (not that I'm saying it's your fault or that what he did was ok, just that it's a situation to avoid in future) Angry - yes really you are saying that it is in someway her fault.

Badgeroncaffeine - that is not "a hug" - some very very odd attitudes on this thread. Hmm

Please read the "we believe you" info from MN

.I.said.I.felt.uncomfortable.and.wanted.to.leave.

.He.tried.to.persuade.me.to.stay.over,.tried.to.feel.me.up.

= sexual assualt

This is a really really difficult situation. I could understand why you might not want to report this to the police or to anyone at work.

What is his position in the company relative to yours.

How about you text him and say that you classify what happended as sexual assualt and that you want him to keep his distance from now on?

Original poster
FragglesRock · 27/07/2012 01:19

Crossposted.

KissMyEmbroideryHoop - I have kept them. He's sent another one "apologising for being a dick" and that he hopes to see me soon.

OP posts:
tribpot · 27/07/2012 01:22

I already feel guilty that I could have been the cause of someone cheating on their partner.

You absolutely must not feel that you did anything wrong, FragglesRock. This is on him, not you.

Get some rest and see how you feel in the morning.

Original poster
FragglesRock · 27/07/2012 01:23

Crossposted again.

LapsusLinguae - I don't want to report it to the police, I don't want to drag any more people into it than I need to. He's at about the same level as me technically, but it's a small company so it's not really that hierarchical (sp?) and I have slightly more responsibility than he does because I've been there longer. We have the same boss though. I don't think I feel comfortable texting him again tonight but I'm going to email him in the morning.

OP posts:
arghhhmiddleage · 27/07/2012 01:25

This all happened outside work. He hit on you, it was inappropriate, he wasn't aggressive, he took no for an answer. So, he had a stiffy - they aren't always in total control of that Grin.

It really isn't a police matter (they might laugh at you), nor is it something to go to HR about. And nor is it a reason to never be alone with a person from work who owns a penis ever again.

He will be far more embarrassed than you next time you see him. Be polite, professional, distantly friendly. Keep him at arms length in future. Don't stress about it. In all likelihood he will be mortified and never mention it again. If he harasses you at work, then go to HR, not the police.

doinmummy · 27/07/2012 01:27

Would HR be interested (wrong word) as it happened outside of work?

I'm so sorry for OP. What a vile man.

ravenAK · 27/07/2012 01:37

I think I'd email him saying that clearly, he was being a TOTAL dick, he was completely inappropriate & the only reason you aren't talking to your boss, or the police, about it is that you are giving him the benefit of the doubt that it was a moment of lunacy.

But send it tomorrow so that he doesn't think you are awake worrying about it (so no chance of the sad loser convincing himself you were somehow up for it & trying to keep a dialogue going), & then don't respond to any reply beyond maybe a terse message saying that the matter is closed unless/until you feel you have to take it further.

Then let him sweat over the weekend & keep a chilly distance thereafter. & keep all his texts, just in case...

LapsusLinguae · 27/07/2012 01:45

FragglesRock - I totally understand.

cannot allow inaccurate myths emoticon

tallwivglasses · 27/07/2012 01:47

Does anyone else think an email's not a good idea? Once it's in print, surely he's just going to deny, deny, deny, possibly making OP out to be a crazy woman.

I'd say record on paper, speak to a superior and discreetly tell the slimebucket to f-the-f-off.

doinmummy · 27/07/2012 01:52

It's tricky because it happened outside of work, so to email using work email address may not be appropriate. Although , I agree that making some sort of record of it is important.

arghhhmiddleage · 27/07/2012 02:02

He was drunk, he made a pass, she said no. He didn't really push it. As of this moment, it's a one-off. It's not an on-going harassment. Yes, it's annoying, but no way is it criminal.

If coming on to a colleague at the end of a night out was a police matter, they wouldn't have time to do anything else. And a whole lot of people would never be with their other half.

If he carries on, yes, get it dealt with. But at the moment I can't see that this is that big a deal. It happens all the time.