Inappropriate Work Colleague

[FragglesRock]

I'm a fairly longtime lurker here but first time poster. I'll try and keep it brief but I'd appreciate some advice.

I work with a group of mainly men and a few women, all of whom are older than me. I've been working there about two years now. Most of us get together socially from time to time, usually having a few drinks round somebody's house or in a pub after work or the odd day out. There's only 14 of us in the office so we all know each other.

So that happens as normal tonight. Gradually people leave and it's left with me and one of the men left, we're at his house because his wife and one-year-old child are away. Bearing in mind I was (am) sober, I think I've had two drinks which normally doesn't make a dent in me (I'm Irish, haha), and I'd never had any reason to distrust him in the past. I've met his wife, and he knows I have a partner but has never met him.

He started hitting on me, so I told him I had a partner and so did he. He then started to talk about how he's fancied me ever since he's met me and started trying to kiss me. I said I felt uncomfortable and wanted to leave. He tried to persuade me to stay over, tried to feel me up and then when I stood up to leave the house he hugged me and I could actually feel his erection. I left the house very quickly and walked the 20 minutes or so home feeling fairly shaken.

He's text me asking if I got home safe, and I replied to say I had, and he's text me again but I think I'm going to ignore that. He doesn't work Fridays so I won't see him tomorrow but I'll have to see him next week. I'm not really sure what to do about it.

Sorry it's long.

TBH I don't think this needs the police (but if the Op thinks it does then that's another matter). Telling him he's a disgrace, she is not interested in him and if he ever does it again she will tell everyone should be enough. But she was perfectly OK to be alone in a houe with a man, to be talking to him, without being in any way at fault.
if the OP had been a man and this had happened to him, would people be saying "well why were you alone in the house with him?"

So if women are supposed to avoid being alone with people (note people) they in theory should be able to trust e.g. Work colleagues Then are we meant to go around with a security escort, or dash out of the room whenever the 3rd person leaves. Apparently yes according to florafox.
IME many men will try it on including if the circumstances are inappropriate and this doesn't make it acceptable nor IMO should it mean that women need to be chaperoned to protect men from being overwhelmed by our inticing sexuality.

Having been in a very similar situation, I would mention the incident to your DP if you want to, but otherwise do nothing. Nothing at all. The guy was drunk and is probably in a massive shame spiral now - I doubt very much he'll do anything like this again. It really isn't a police matter, or even worth raising with HR. You are a grown woman and you handled this brilliantly - you can look after yourself.

Onwards and upwards :)

Some people on this thread appear to believe that all men are rapists and all you need to do is be alone with them and they'll pounce. Hence it being "unwise" to be alone with them, we shd treat them all as potential rapists.

Am shocked by that level of man-hating tbh.

It's almost like we've been invaded by a bunch of morons from another forum. This thread is a disgrace and in stark contrast to mn.

Unfortunately, Fastidia, whilst in an ideal world all men would be gentlemen and behave impeccably, in the real world all it needs is a few drinks and a dickhead who fancies his chances with the last woman at the party. Doesn't mean we need chaperoning but being on guard with a clear head is always advisable.... which the OP did quite admirably.

I remember a weekend dinner guest not only making a pass but turning up in my bed. (From which he was emphatically chucked) Otherwise, a very nice bloke.....

Oh FFS she said NO to his suggestions and then he tried to feel her up. I'm sorry to all the minimisers but this is sexual assault. The fact that some or all think it is "low level" is neither here nor there. The fact that some posters think she should just shrug it off is neither here nor there. Projection, much?

For myself, I would've slapped him one as an automatic reaction (not giving that as advice btw), then reported him to the boss. This sort of shit goes on all the time in women's lives. Just because it goes on, we're supposd to chalk it up to experience are we, and swallow it down? Sheesh!

Defending yourself against unwanted advances, or recommending ways of dealing with unwanted advances makes us all man haters now. What lazy, sloppy thinking.

I agree with stealth - the first response blaming the OP for staying behind alone with him. What a disgrace.

I would ignore it and keep your distance from him from now on. If he tries to talk to you about it or says anything untoward, let him know you think his actions were very inappropriate and he put you in a difficult and uncomfortable position. In no way was this your fault by the way. You had every right to stay there without expecting to be hit on.
Not that being drunk is a free ticket to do what you want, but he may feel very embarrassed. He hit on you and you left - hopefully he feels ashamed enough to stay away from you. He has a lot to lose.
Tell your DP tho x

It is pretty man-hating to advise women that being alone with a man they know well and are friends and colleagues with, is "unwise", isn't't it?

Wd you advise your dp's colleagues not to be alone with him, just in case?

I wouldn't advise any woman to do that, unless the man in question has form for this sort of thing.

I think what he did was disgusting and it WAS a sexual assault, in that he forced himself on you when he'd been told clearly already that you were not comfortable with his behaviour.

You have every right to be in the company of a male and to feel 100% safe and secure.

FWIW I think you handled yourself impeccably.

Now that you know the options open to you, it's your decision whether you wish to push ahead with them.

If it were me, I would list out what I could do, and then choose to to what I felt fair and appropriate.

I think you ought to have an off the record chat with your HR people for some advice, as this would potentially have professional consequences if you didn't feel safe at work. Then perhaps, see how you feel and decide what's next if anything.

Have you thought past this yet, how are you going to feel if you attend further social gatherings after work, with him there or not?

So much victim blaming!
Poor men can't help getting an erection and hugging you to push it against you?! Really?!
I hope you're okay OP and I would tell your DP as this will play on your mind if you keep it to yourself I think.

Why does being alone with a man for a few minutes make it OK for him to assume you want to be propositioned and groped?

I think you have had good advice. Hope you manage to resolve this.

One thing I think the OP should definitely do is to keep a written record for herself of the incident and any subsequent incidents or conversations, noted down as immediately as possible afterwards. (Actually she already has from the original event by doing her original post.)

Maybe these will never need to be used if it turns out to have been an isolated moment of dickheadedness from which he has now learned his lesson.

But if by any chance his unwelcome advances persisted despite warnings the OP would be in an even more powerful position to have a detailed log of events.

There is an awful lot of concern for how this poor man must be feeling

He was drunk, he made a mistake, he's sorry, he's embarrassed. So? Who cares how he feels. His choices, his consequences.

OP you did nothing wrong. It is not your responsibility to try and control his behaviour. Or the behaviour of any man you might find yourself alone with.

And the posters who say it was nothing, just ignore it, what if it had gone a bit further. At what point would you say it stopped being a pass and became a sexual assault.

He tried to feel her up against her wishes ffs.

My sympathies with OP. I hope you're feeling a little better today.

Sadly, crossing boundaries between work and leisure time with the same group of people can throw up situations such as this. IMHO, it's often best to not socialise 'after hours' more than absolutely necessary with work colleagues.

The HR policies of a company can apply 24/7, so this particular incident may be ID'd as 'sexual harassment' in one of their policies. There is employment case law relating to similar incidents outside of work, where the perpitrator has lost his/her job due to totally inappropriate behaviour even though it has occured 'outside of work'.

OP, a word with your HR department may be a wise move, as the man in question may have done this before to other female colleagues. You wouldn't necessarily know would you?

Don't keep it to yourself hun. It doesn't matter where or when it happened, whatever others say you didn't feel happy or comfortable about it. Personally I would make sure I'm not alone with him again (others might disagree as he wasn't aggressive towards you but you never know if that will change and its best to err on the side of caution, trust me) I would also try to somehow let him know that you felt uncomfortable and that his behaviour was totally inappropriate.

tbh its not just about his actions, its about how they made you feel and you say you left feeling shaken. It needs dealing with xx

I think a confidential word with HR on the basis of 'I'm not trying to get him into trouble, but it made me feel quite shaken, and if it happened again I would wish that I'd spoke to you before'.

Questioning why the OP stayed, and feeling sorry for the bloke is ridiculous. He's got a partner, the OP is a work colleague and she said 'no'. Pushing his erection against her was appalling behaviour. If he feels embarrassed, that is because he embarrassed himself and not the OPs responsibility.

Having an erecition would be a very good reason not to hug someone.

He knew what he was doing.

He did it deliberately.

I want you to feel my cock. So I will make sure you do.

He is probably banking on you not saying anything.

Name and shame I say. Tell HR and ask managers to speak to him regarding his conduct. Next time he might suddenly find that he can control his drunken urges after all.

The more women routinely speak out when things like this happen, the more empowered all women become. It's a much better defence that just trying not to get yourself in that situation in the first place.

Some of the replies on this thread are shameful, you need to tell him in no uncertain terms that you have told your partner what occured and if he ever tries a similar thing with you or you get a sniff of him doing it to anyone else, you will tell his wife and your boss.

Men cannot be allowed to get away with this behaviour, decent men do not do this, no matter how drunk they are.

Another one who thinks some of these responses are disgusting.

Thank god for lapsus I thought the world had gone mad!

Op - I would report it at work if it were me.

Yet another who thinks some of the replies are disgusting. Victim blaming and hateful

I echo Lapsus urging people on this thread to read the info in the link:
MN We Believe You

Personally I find it more empowering not to waste time and energy on trivialities like this. I have also had the clumsy drunken pass/erection hug scenario from a colleague at the end of a long night of work drinks (we were at a conference and were the last people left in his hotel room) - I wouldn't have dreamed of saying anything! Once you put this out there, you can't take the disclosure back, and you could potentially ruin someone's career and marriage over a drunken indiscretion. How many people on this thread have never done anything drunk that they're ashamed of?

Screaming sexual assault about an ill-judged drunken pass minimises the importance of more serious situations. It would be a massive overreaction to tell HR, and not appropriate in this case - the mere possibility of you telling work (or telling his wife!) will be more than enough to keep this man in check. Talk to your DH if you're upset, but don't take it any further for now. You've got a timed and dated written record of what happened, in the form of your OP on this thread - if you're still bothered by it in 3 months' time, or if anything else happens, maybe it's worth saying something. Don't email him or anyone else today!