Inappropriate Work Colleague

[FragglesRock]

I'm a fairly longtime lurker here but first time poster. I'll try and keep it brief but I'd appreciate some advice.

I work with a group of mainly men and a few women, all of whom are older than me. I've been working there about two years now. Most of us get together socially from time to time, usually having a few drinks round somebody's house or in a pub after work or the odd day out. There's only 14 of us in the office so we all know each other.

So that happens as normal tonight. Gradually people leave and it's left with me and one of the men left, we're at his house because his wife and one-year-old child are away. Bearing in mind I was (am) sober, I think I've had two drinks which normally doesn't make a dent in me (I'm Irish, haha), and I'd never had any reason to distrust him in the past. I've met his wife, and he knows I have a partner but has never met him.

He started hitting on me, so I told him I had a partner and so did he. He then started to talk about how he's fancied me ever since he's met me and started trying to kiss me. I said I felt uncomfortable and wanted to leave. He tried to persuade me to stay over, tried to feel me up and then when I stood up to leave the house he hugged me and I could actually feel his erection. I left the house very quickly and walked the 20 minutes or so home feeling fairly shaken.

He's text me asking if I got home safe, and I replied to say I had, and he's text me again but I think I'm going to ignore that. He doesn't work Fridays so I won't see him tomorrow but I'll have to see him next week. I'm not really sure what to do about it.

Sorry it's long.

Some of the reactions on here are very OTT. I did not blame the OP, say that women need to be chaperoned everywhere or that all men are rapists. The OP was asking for advice and I gave her the advice I would give my DD. Yes you are entitled to be alone with a man, even a drunk man in his house at night, but I wouldn't recommend it with someone who is not a good friend. You are entitled to walk into the rugby club naked but I wouldn't recommend that either. I didn't say all men are rapists but some are and more of them are dicks - this guy is a dick but not, on the basis of this incident, a rapist. Reporting a sexual assault is a serious matter including for the person doing the reporting. Most women find it a very unpleasant experience, sometimes worse than the original assault. Awful but true and advising a young woman to put herself into that position without knowing whether she can handle the consequences of reporting this either to HR or the police is, in my view, irresponsible. In the real world, HR are not always supportive, colleagues can turn against someone who disrupts their cozy working environment and even if this was prosecuted, it could turn out horribly for the OP. The OP is the only person who can decide what she wants to do but don't mislead her into thinking there are no consequences of making a report. That is very unfair.

Very good idea to send that e-mail to your boss - prepares her so that you can set time aside to talk privately. I agree that DoctrineofEnnis line is very good - you need to prepare your DP that he's going to hear about something that has really upset you, and that you need his support and kindness. You're handling this really well Fraggles.

And what you said was; you asked why she stayed late, then you said it was a grown man making a pass at a grown woman and reporting it either to hr or to the police would be an overreaction, then that if she is the youngest all the blokes probably fancy her and she could avoid situations like this in future.

I'm not sure anyone told the OP that she should report it to the police. She was told that it was a sexual assault, she was told that she could report it to the police or HR and she was told that the police wouldn't laugh at her if she did choose to report it.

Your very first reaction was to ask why she'd allowed herself to be the last one left behind at his house. Really, is that the first thing you'd say to your DD if she'd been sexually assaulted and was badly shaken up? And your second reaction was to tell her that it was just a pass made by one adult at another. Even though it carried on after she'd said "No". Even though it carried on after she'd further said that he was making her uncomfortable and she wanted to leave.

Offred I did read your post - how can you know whether reporting this will affect the OP's prospects at work? Do you realise what the OP's "legal redress" would involve and what that would mean for her, financially and emotionally?

I said I can't see why it would. I know what it would involve and I'm sure the op does too.

Frankly your perceptions are incorrect. You are more likely to be raped or assaulted by a person you know and trust in a situation you feel safe in btw. You paint men in a totally misogynistic way and as though they are all dirty old pervs who can't help themselves when a younger woman is around (and that it is op who must be aware of that effect that she had on the poor helpless menz as she runs a gauntlet of sexual advances they can't help every day). What you appear to be missing is that he waited until everyone had gone and then he made a pass, one that she rebutted kindly, he then escalated the pass and she explicitly rebutted it, at that point he escalated it further. The law is clear that it is necessary to ascertain consent for sexual attention, staying later than other people is not ascertaining consent and a normal man may have made a pass and then left it when she said they both had partners, one that was being a bit leery might have had another crack at a similar level but not escalated after that but anyone with any decency would not have carried on escalating and escalating no matter what the recipient of their affections was saying doing or feeling.

I hope you are ok OP
I am fucking astounded by some of the childish posts on here.

I dont know what the OP should do and I dont know what I would do in this situation. I know I would be upset and confused.

On what planet is it ok for a man with a partner to hit on a woman with a partner and carry on after she has said NO.
Because those of you who are laughing this off are saying that is ok.

I know what reporting to the police involves. A friend of mine recently went through it and got a conviction for sexual assault. She's still in shock even months later. I don't think I want to go down that route.

Going to my friend's now. Waiting for DP to tell me when he's getting back tonight.

By that I mean my friend was the one assulted, not the one accused of it. Not sure if that was clear, sorry.

When's he due home?

Or do you not know at all?

this guy is a dick but not, on the basis of this incident, a rapist

No one said he is a rapist. Lets be clear here, he sexually assaulted a woman. End of.

If the OP gave the police the facts and asked 'Was that a sexual assault?' the answer would be 'Yes'. Whether or not it can be proved is not what we are talking about. We are offering support to the OP by helping to clarify that what he did to her was illegal and we are validating her feelings that she has been violated.

Being drunk, making a mistake, being a dick is no excuse and irrelevant really in relation to what he did.

Some posters may genuinely believe that this behaviour is acceptable because it's so common.

Those posters have a lot to learn.

How are you op? X

Hello again everyone. I have told DP and that's made me feel a bit better that at least he knows. He wasn't particularly helpful but he was I think glad I'd told him. It was a bit bizarre though because he said he had thought there was something going on like that (ie someone fancying me) for weeks but seeing as I had no idea until this happened the other night I don't see why he was saying that.

Xx have you asked him what he means? If not maybe just leave it for a bit or ask if it is playing on your mind. How are you feeling?

Hmm. That's a bit of a strange reaction. Are you feeling okay?

Yeah it wasn't what I was expecting at all. I tried to explain that the first I knew of this was Thursday evening, and he decided it must have been subconscious. I'm not sure how I could have been giving off signals someone fancied me at work if I had no idea but we left it there.

I'm feeling okay. Bit nervous about going into work Monday but ignoring that for today.

It isn't the best response and perhaps best not to talk to him about it anymore if he cannot be absolutely supportive.

It will be hard to avoid feeling nervous about going to work. X

I'm glad you are feeling OK x

It sounds bizarre. I hope he's not trying to imply that you were leading him on somehow, because that would be really messed up.

do try to ignore thoughts of Monday. Hope you can do something fun this weekend to take your mind off it!

I don't think we should get ahead of ourselves about that tbh. It doesn't matter right now and will come out in the wash anyway. It only matters if he is being supportive or not I think.

I didn't tell DH about the pass made at me, until years later. I thought he would blame me. He had always said he thought the guy was a weirdo, so would have just said 'told you so'.

Agree with arghhmiddleage ...

Arghmiddleage was wrong janelikesjam.