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Original poster

Inappropriate Work Colleague

302 replies

FragglesRock · 27/07/2012 00:38

I'm a fairly longtime lurker here but first time poster. I'll try and keep it brief but I'd appreciate some advice.

I work with a group of mainly men and a few women, all of whom are older than me. I've been working there about two years now. Most of us get together socially from time to time, usually having a few drinks round somebody's house or in a pub after work or the odd day out. There's only 14 of us in the office so we all know each other.

So that happens as normal tonight. Gradually people leave and it's left with me and one of the men left, we're at his house because his wife and one-year-old child are away. Bearing in mind I was (am) sober, I think I've had two drinks which normally doesn't make a dent in me (I'm Irish, haha), and I'd never had any reason to distrust him in the past. I've met his wife, and he knows I have a partner but has never met him.

He started hitting on me, so I told him I had a partner and so did he. He then started to talk about how he's fancied me ever since he's met me and started trying to kiss me. I said I felt uncomfortable and wanted to leave. He tried to persuade me to stay over, tried to feel me up and then when I stood up to leave the house he hugged me and I could actually feel his erection. I left the house very quickly and walked the 20 minutes or so home feeling fairly shaken.

He's text me asking if I got home safe, and I replied to say I had, and he's text me again but I think I'm going to ignore that. He doesn't work Fridays so I won't see him tomorrow but I'll have to see him next week. I'm not really sure what to do about it.

Sorry it's long.

OP posts:
Offred · 27/07/2012 13:39

I think it will help if you are living with dp to be able to talk to him about it and have a safe environment to be able to have you feelings in at home. Don't feel bad about not having told him yet, I think that is the hardest part, telling a partner and please take your time to consider what you will get out of it.

Offred · 27/07/2012 13:45

And wellwisher - one final point s3 ss1 d is about demonstrating the principle of mens rea (guilty mind) and ss2 clarifies it is applying a looser test than in other areas of criminal law and puts the onus on the person making sexual advances to ascertain consent, far from doing that this man actually continued, and escalated, beyond being told kindly and then explicitly that there was no consent.

FamiliesShareGerms · 27/07/2012 13:48

Sorry you think my advice is "total shit", Offred. It wasn't so much advice as what I think I'd do in similar circumstances.

Yes, it's stronger to complain at the time. But complaining retrospectively isn't useless at all (think about the cases where other victims come forward after hearing about an arrest or investigation on the news, for example) provided there is a contemporaneous record of what happened. The OP has a text message that shows that something happened that this man thinks was inappropriate, as well as this thread. It's not a case, thankfully, where DNA and other forensic evidence needs to be gathered quickly in order to mount a prosecution.

Tokamak · 27/07/2012 13:50

I think you should tell your DP if you think it appropriate. I know I'd want to know if DW had gone through this, so I could provide comfort and support if she needed it.

Yorkpud · 27/07/2012 13:50

I would just make it clear that you are not interested and that you feel his behavior was inappropriate and that you don't want it to happen again. If after that he carries on harassing you, then I think that would be the time to tell your boss.

He could be very embarrassed and sorry so just wait and see. He may have been quite drunk as well. I know it is bad but if I did that I would hope to be given a chance to explain myself as I'd be mortified enough without my boss finding out.

Offred · 27/07/2012 13:52

Yes, that advice is bad because if something goes on you are meant to report it not keep it secret and threaten to reveal it at another time, that makes it look as though it is a vindictive lie.

Offred · 27/07/2012 13:54

Not the keeping it to yourself and reporting it later, the telling him you are keeping it secret at the time and then trying to report it later, for clarification. It shows you considered the gravity of the claim at the time and could substantiate a claim he might make that actually what happened was you had a drunken fumble she regretted and tried to blame him for and threaten him at work.

Original poster
FragglesRock · 27/07/2012 13:59

I don't want to threaten him, I just want him to know he should never do it again. As I've said I also really don't want to drag it into a situation where it could hurt his wife and kid.

How would you tell your DP? I don't want to make him worry.

Sorry for all the questions.

OP posts:
Offred · 27/07/2012 14:01

I can see the hand wringing "I was frightened for my marriage and my job and thought she was totally crazy and I wouldn't be believed, I can't believe she would do this now just because I don't want to start an affair with her" etc etc at the very least it creates a "well why didn't she report it at the time in the minds of people, many of whom seem to be on this thread, who don't understand sexual assault.

IMeMine · 27/07/2012 14:01

I've had a similar experience OP, but with a friend of a friend (much worse in your case as at least I didn't have to him again).

He waited until others had left/gone to bed before making his 'move'- he was very insistent in trying to grab me, kiss me, trying to back me into lying down etc when I kept saying no several times and pushing him off. Luckily I did manage to get away also but I was shaken, shocked and bloody angry.

OP I hope you're ok. Also amazed at some of the comments on here.

Offred · 27/07/2012 14:02

No fragges and I think emailing him to tell him it was inappropriate is fine. I don't think you need to inform him at all about what you may or may do about it, it isn't any of his business and should be your decision without input from him.

Offred · 27/07/2012 14:09

I told my DH recently about being sexually assaulted in high school and other things. I had a lot of anxiety about it so did it in my safe place which was cuddled in the dark in bed, it was not unexpected because I had told him I was not coping with the feelings and intrusive thoughts and although it was hard I needed to tell him because I couldn't carry on living with him whilst secretly feeling like this. Then when he came to bed I panic attacked for at least half an hour before just saying it and he was amazing about it and cuddled me all night after saying supportive words. That helped.

If you inform work do they have a facility whereby you would be able to get some counselling to help support you through telling other people? It helped me to have that and it was a year after that I finally told DH. People may think it is minor and should just be gotten over but that attitude at such a pivotal time in my life (age 11/12) just gave me fucked up ideas about sex and led me into much more serious relationship and sexual problems later on and I have only just dealt with it properly as the first event 17 years later:

NarkedRaspberry · 27/07/2012 14:13

God this thread really brought out the dregs.

I hope you're feeling better OP. This was in no way, shape or form your fault or the result of anything you did. It was the deliberate and vile behaviour of one person.

Offred · 27/07/2012 14:18

The most revelatory thing I took from specialist counselling was "why think you have to tell people just because they "should know"? This is your experience that has happened to you as an individual and you must think about what you will get from telling whoever you may tell whatever you may tell them"

BerylStreep · 27/07/2012 14:26

Poor you.

I wouldn't be drawn into any further discussion with him.

Your post reminded me of a colleague who made a pass at me - almost identical words - he had always fancied me, etc. I was engaged at the time, and he was married with a young child. Only difference was this wasn't after a work night out, but after being for a run together (work requirement for certain level of fitness, meant it was not at all uncommon to go running with colleagues). I said I wasn't interested, and dismissed it as someone trying it on.

Years later, I found out that he was a sexual predator who had raped someone he knew well, and there was a whole pattern of inappropriate behaviour from him towards women - some colleagues, some 'customers'.

Now, knowing what I do, I wish I had mentioned it to someone at work at the time, even just so that someone else knew. I was quite shocked to find out there were others.

Offred · 27/07/2012 14:32

Yes there is that element. I feel horrendously guilty about not officially reporting when my boss raped me. I have no idea what happened to him afterwards but I doubt it will have been an isolated incident given the circumstances. The counsellor I had recently thought I should let this go and that it was fine to only think about myself in it but I have a hard time with that, especially not knowing.

Helltotheno · 27/07/2012 14:36

Op I think you've done enough in texting him back what you texted, and telling your DP. Your approach with DP should be v. honest, ie, that you were the last, chatting about work, pass came out of the blue etc (did you have even the slightest inkling before that he might have had his eye on you? I'm guessing you didn't because you'd probably steer clear of him if that was the case).

Re telling HR, I honestly wouldn't, just for fear it might hurt your own situation in work (and that wouldn't be your fault, it might just be the way it was taken up; you already said you're intimidated by the HR person). Any other incident after this, absolutely go for it.

As an aside, in my early working days (big companies), I was constantly being hit on by married men from work (in the context of social events). I didn't really take it seriously though, it all seemed pretty good-natured at the time.
But OP it sounds like you instinctively felt that you were in danger?

PeppermintPasty · 27/07/2012 16:49

I've just come back to this thread. To all the minimisers, please now listen to the OP when she says "I know it wasn't just a drunken pass". As for it not being a sexual assault, words fail me.

Offred · 27/07/2012 16:57

Honestly op I would tell someone responsible at work because you may be able to get access to some support at work with handling it. I dont think it will affect your prospects at work, i dont see why it should unless you work in a place which is illegally full of misogyny and you would have legal redress if it was handled badly so it is unlikely they would handle it badly. I think really there would be no excuse for them not taking it seriously, which I know will probably be a very frightening thought, but you need to protect yourself primarily and get support to move your feelings forward.

Margerykemp · 27/07/2012 17:02

What a horrible thing to experience, op.

TheDoctrineOfEnnis · 27/07/2012 17:07

OP, I hope you are doing OK. I agree this man is solely to blame and has been entitled, selfish and a prick. It was work drinks and that makes it a work matter. I would talk to your boss first as you feel more comfortable with them but if you want to do this informally or choose not to do it at all, that is your decision.

If I needed to tell DH something like this, I'd probably start with "something unpleasant happened to me at work drinks the other day and I want to talk it through with you."

a similar opening could be used with your boss if you like!

If the colleague had made racist remarks repeatedly to OP, what would those who want her to do nothing suggest then?

Offred · 27/07/2012 17:08

That's a good point ennis, especially about the telling of the boss being separate to making a complaint about it.

becstarsky · 27/07/2012 17:12

Bravo DoctrineofEnnis sound advice. Hope you're doing okay OP

Original poster
FragglesRock · 27/07/2012 17:54

I'm home from work now, and I'm going to go to a friend's this evening until DP gets back. I don't think I'm going to mention it to her but I don't want to be just sat around the house by myself.

Work-wise I've sent an email to my boss saying I want to talk to her about something on Monday but not what it is. I can't chicken out of talking to her then because she's very good and will make sure she makes time for a chat.

TheDoctrineOfEnnis Thanks, I think I'll use that line with DP.

Helltotheno Yes, honesty is the best way forward. I had no idea he had his eye on me no, he's generally very friendly and even slightly flirty with everyone, both the women and the men in the office.. So he's always been very friendly towards me but no more so than he'd be to one of the older women or to one of the men.

Offred That sounds horrible with your boss. I hope you're at least starting to get over it now.

Thanks again to everyone, I can't tell you how much I appreciate you all taking the time to post on this thread.

OP posts:
Offred · 27/07/2012 17:58

Thank you fraggles, we are here for hand holding. Xxx

I have worked backwards through my experiences ending actually with the most pain very recently when I had got to the sexual assaults in school a few months ago. The boss thing I dealt with in counselling about a year and a half ago. Each time I talk about it is makes it a bit better, I often bang on about it on here. Still find it very hard to speak about in RL.