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Original poster

Inappropriate Work Colleague

302 replies

FragglesRock · 27/07/2012 00:38

I'm a fairly longtime lurker here but first time poster. I'll try and keep it brief but I'd appreciate some advice.

I work with a group of mainly men and a few women, all of whom are older than me. I've been working there about two years now. Most of us get together socially from time to time, usually having a few drinks round somebody's house or in a pub after work or the odd day out. There's only 14 of us in the office so we all know each other.

So that happens as normal tonight. Gradually people leave and it's left with me and one of the men left, we're at his house because his wife and one-year-old child are away. Bearing in mind I was (am) sober, I think I've had two drinks which normally doesn't make a dent in me (I'm Irish, haha), and I'd never had any reason to distrust him in the past. I've met his wife, and he knows I have a partner but has never met him.

He started hitting on me, so I told him I had a partner and so did he. He then started to talk about how he's fancied me ever since he's met me and started trying to kiss me. I said I felt uncomfortable and wanted to leave. He tried to persuade me to stay over, tried to feel me up and then when I stood up to leave the house he hugged me and I could actually feel his erection. I left the house very quickly and walked the 20 minutes or so home feeling fairly shaken.

He's text me asking if I got home safe, and I replied to say I had, and he's text me again but I think I'm going to ignore that. He doesn't work Fridays so I won't see him tomorrow but I'll have to see him next week. I'm not really sure what to do about it.

Sorry it's long.

OP posts:
FamiliesShareGerms · 27/07/2012 12:59

OP, you're not to blame for what happened, not at all.

I personally would tell him in no uncertain terms that he behaved like a complete dickhead and he is lucky you do not, at this time, intend to tell his wife or make a formal complaint to work. But you may change your mind if he does anything like this again either to you or a colleague.

I wouldn't go to the police based on what you have written, but you were there, I wasn't, and it depends how threatened you felt (as opposed to taken by surprise that he felt that way, IYSWIM) whether you think that this is a course you want to pursue.

Hope you feel better today

Tokamak · 27/07/2012 13:00

Marrried with a 1 yr old and makes and comes on to a colleague. Does NOT take no for an answer straight away, otherwise he wouldn't have groped the oP and pressed his cock against her.

What a disgusting pig of a man.

Fairenuff · 27/07/2012 13:07

Reporting the facts is not 'screaming sexual assault'.

I wonder if he would have pressed his erection against a male colleague?

What is that if not sexual?

The only question here is whether the OP felt threatened or upset by it. And judging from her posting about it, yes she did. It was an assault.

Maybe you should phone the police OP, give them the facts and ask them if it was a sexual assault. Even if you don't want to report him it will be reassuring for you to know that it was.

Why should she care if it affects his job or marriage. He clearly didn't care, so why should she?

Malificence · 27/07/2012 13:08

Wellwisher your words are an utter disgrace.

How could the OP ruin anything ? it was this disgusting man's actions that have put his career and marriage potentially at risk.

If a drunken man groped me, I would feel violated, we don't make allowances for drunken behaviour in cases of drink driving or violence , wjhy should we in interpersonal relationships? If a colleauge touched me in this way, I would want him to lose his job, men who do this expect to get away with it, they think it's their right, drunk or sober it makes no difference

FastidiaBlueberry · 27/07/2012 13:12

Women: never forget that you are responsible for a man's welfare and behaviour and he isn't

becstarsky · 27/07/2012 13:14

wellwisher I think that your advice is misguided. Firstly, if something similar happened to you as you say - after you'd clearly said 'no' as the OP did, and after you'd said that you 'felt uncomfortable and wanted to leave' as the OP did, then it wasn't a 'triviality'.

Secondly if this man isn't capable of knowing that a woman has said 'no' after he's had a drink then he needs to quit drinking.

The phrase 'Screaming sexual assault' isn't appropriate. The OP has just walked home shaken, and then posted on MN about what happened and how she felt. She hasn't screamed anything, and she's understandably feeling upset after what's happened to her. If others have recommended calling the police she can make her own mind up about that based on what happened and how she feels.

As far as the possibility of OP telling work or telling his wife keeping him in check goes... It was a possibility that she would tell them when he did this but it hasn't stopped him this time, so there's no likelihood it will next time either. On the other hand, if she doesn't tell anyone he'll know that it's a probability that she never will and that he can carry on behaving inappropriately and making her upset as it will become more and more difficult for her to say anything. If your rationale worked no woman would be raped by an acquaintance because it's always possible she'd call the police so he wouldn't risk it. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.

wellwisher · 27/07/2012 13:15

I am talking about the posters on this thread who are screaming sexual assault, not saying that reporting the facts would be. Here is the legal definition of sexual assault. You would have difficulty proving points b) and d) (a hug is not necessarily sexual, nor does it necessarily have sexual intent, even if the hugger happens to be sexually aroused at the time).

OP, I hope you are OK. This is good advice:
I personally would tell him in no uncertain terms that he behaved like a complete dickhead and he is lucky you do not, at this time, intend to tell his wife or make a formal complaint to work. But you may change your mind if he does anything like this again either to you or a colleague.

wellwisher · 27/07/2012 13:18

I am absolutely not saying that OP is unreasonable/hysterical in being shaken by this or in asking for support. I think other posters on this trhead are overreacting. I don't think this is that big of a deal and the best way to deal with it is put it down to drunken foolishness and move swiftly on. Had the OP's colleague intended to assault her, regardless of her wishes, he could have done a lot worse than a clumsy hug in that situation. It seems clear that his intent/hope was for consensual sex, and she made it clear that this was not going to happen. End of.

Offred · 27/07/2012 13:19

Well wisher your advice is stupid. She actually said no, she would have no difficulty proving that she didnt want it and that he couldn't have believed she did...

Offred · 27/07/2012 13:20

What about the OP's description of him making unsolicited sexual advances including groping and pressing his erection into her after she told him no and was trying to leave give you the impression he was after consensual sex?

Offred · 27/07/2012 13:21

And the advice you think is good is total shit and would make her look like a vindictive liar. You cannot wait to see if he does it again and then report it to work..Hmm

dreamingbohemian · 27/07/2012 13:21

wellwisher, WTF? Of course she could show B, he tried to kiss her and feel her up, that's clearly sexual. D, well if she said she wanted to leave (clearly not giving consent) and he continued, that's also taken care of.

Of course the chances of proving this and taking it forward legally are probably very slim, given the way justice seems to work these days, but you can't say it doesn't meet the legal definition.

wellwisher · 27/07/2012 13:22

Where exactly is the proof, Offred? From a legal perspective? "We believe you" is all very well, but under UK law the defendant is believed innocent until proven guilty. I personally believe the OP 100%, but with the possible exception of the guy's apology text (depending on what that said), there is no objective proof of anything here.

Original poster
FragglesRock · 27/07/2012 13:23

I'm back, sorry, MN in work hours isn't really allowed. I'm on my lunch break.

I've sent him a message saying what he did was inappropriate - no response. I did have a text from him before that this morning though saying he'd got up late and asking how I was.

My boss is off sick today, which I wasn't expecting. I'd psyched myself up to say something informally to her today and ask not to be put in a team with him on any projects. She should be back on Monday but he'll be in the office then too. I don't know if I want to go to HR by myself, I find the HR person quite intimidating at the best of times.

I'm torn between wanting to forget it and wanting to make sure it doesn't happen again, to me or any of the other women in the office. Thanks again for the support.

OP posts:
wellwisher · 27/07/2012 13:24

I don't think a jury would agree beyond reasonable doubt, dreaming. But while interesting, this discussion isn't helping the OP. Fraggles, have you decided what to do?

wellwisher · 27/07/2012 13:25

Oops, cross post. See how you feel on Monday, then. Have you talked to your DH?

Offred · 27/07/2012 13:25

The ill judged drunken pass could be taken up until the point he tried to kiss her and she said she was uncomfortable and wanted to leave. Beyond that point he tried to feel her up and get her to stay over and then he pressed his erection into her - that is sexual assault and the way she behaved about it absolutely gives him no "didn't reasonably believe" defence, none at all.

Offred · 27/07/2012 13:27

And don't lecture me about the law FFS it is my chosen career path...

bigkidsdidit · 27/07/2012 13:28

Could you email the HR woman? Just clearly stating inappropriate behaviour on a work night out. Cc your manager asking to be put on a different project?

Offred · 27/07/2012 13:30

All rape and sexual assault cases are he said/she said btw wellwisher. All of them because they are essentially about consent. The "proof" is this post, her behaviour afterwards and the e-mail she had just sent him. There really is not "screaming sexual assault" this is one of the most clear cut cases of sexual assault you can get.

CogitoErgOlympics · 27/07/2012 13:31

There are defining moments in life that force you to grow up fast, take a deep breath and be assertive. This is one of those defining moments. He did a very wrong thing & right now he will be worried, wondering if the shit is going to hit the fan. You have every right to decide to complain formally via work or to tacke it personally face-to-face. HR is a service department that exists to look after the employees. 'Doing nothing' or hoping it all goes away is not a good solution because it will only leave you feeling bad about yourself.

Good luck

JustFabulous · 27/07/2012 13:32

I think emailing him was the wrong thing to do. I would ignore all texts/communications from him. Tell your partner. Tell your boss. Ignore the twat.

dreamingbohemian · 27/07/2012 13:34

OP, just want to emphasise that you should do whatever you feel is best for you. If you want to just forget it and move on, that's fine. It does sound like talking informally to your boss is a good idea, to help minimise any time you have to spend with him. In that way you can possibly keep it from happening again AND then move on.

Good luck on Monday. Deep breaths, it will be stressful but it will get better soon.

Offred · 27/07/2012 13:36

And there are two legal points that are relevant here and therefore paths open to the OP; employment law surrounding sexual harassment at work and criminal law for sexual assault.

OP If it were me I would not necessarily want the exposure that went along with a criminal case if I had an alternative route like the employment law route. I would definitely want something done about this because this man felt entitled to at the very least sexually assault you and that is a very worrying thing to deal with at work. I don't think you can put off telling work about it because if further things happen it will make it much harder for you to do anything because you'll have to explain why you didn't report it at the time, it won't necessarily mean people won't believe you but it will make it harder. Very sorry this had happened to you. Sad

Original poster
FragglesRock · 27/07/2012 13:37

I haven't told DP yet. He's away until tonight and I didn't want to tell him when I knew he'd have to get up and do meetings all day today.

I know it wasn't just a drunken pass. I've had people make drunken passes at me before (haven't we all) and the difference is I never felt threatened because normally the man would back off when I said no. I feel more confident about saying that this morning too.

OP posts: