Inappropriate Work Colleague

[FragglesRock]

I'm a fairly longtime lurker here but first time poster. I'll try and keep it brief but I'd appreciate some advice.

I work with a group of mainly men and a few women, all of whom are older than me. I've been working there about two years now. Most of us get together socially from time to time, usually having a few drinks round somebody's house or in a pub after work or the odd day out. There's only 14 of us in the office so we all know each other.

So that happens as normal tonight. Gradually people leave and it's left with me and one of the men left, we're at his house because his wife and one-year-old child are away. Bearing in mind I was (am) sober, I think I've had two drinks which normally doesn't make a dent in me (I'm Irish, haha), and I'd never had any reason to distrust him in the past. I've met his wife, and he knows I have a partner but has never met him.

He started hitting on me, so I told him I had a partner and so did he. He then started to talk about how he's fancied me ever since he's met me and started trying to kiss me. I said I felt uncomfortable and wanted to leave. He tried to persuade me to stay over, tried to feel me up and then when I stood up to leave the house he hugged me and I could actually feel his erection. I left the house very quickly and walked the 20 minutes or so home feeling fairly shaken.

He's text me asking if I got home safe, and I replied to say I had, and he's text me again but I think I'm going to ignore that. He doesn't work Fridays so I won't see him tomorrow but I'll have to see him next week. I'm not really sure what to do about it.

Sorry it's long.

Grown man makes pass at grown woman shocker! This is one to be chalked up to experience, calling the police or reporting it to HR is a massive over-reaction.

to be clear FloraFox and you probably do know this I am not recommending either of the courses of action that you mention but I am not willing to let posts suggesting that this is not actually sexual harrassment and sexual assault (per legal definitions) stand unchallenged

AFTER she said no, he

• started to talk about how he'd fancied her ever since he'd met her
• started trying to kiss her
• tried to persuade her to stay over
• tried to feel her up
• pressed his erect penis against her under pretext of a hug

And most of this took place after she'd not only said no but also specifically told him, for the avoidance of any lingering doubt associated with the word "No", that he was making her feel uncomfortable.

I'm actually quite troubled that this is routinely dismissed as "well, he took no for an answer" and something that "happens all the time". It's low-level sexual assault by an older married man.

If the op felt it was sexual assault then she needs to take that course of action. I am shocked at some reports blatantly saying it is he fault, people will laugh, he couldn't help it, what do you expect. Very saddening & why people keep quiet when they should feel confident enough to report.

Along with dv and many other crimes, the problem is that when there are no witnesses it comes down to one person's word against another.

This doesn't mean that a sexual asssault shouldn't be reported, but the OP needs to be aware that it's probable he'll deny that anything untoward took place or may even claim that she came onto him.

As it is, the OP has seen a side of her colleague that she wasn't aware of before but, fortunately, she was able to make her excuses and leave, as it were, without incurring any lasting harm.

I would suggest that on this occasion she accepts his apology while making it clear to him that she's saved his texts and should he repeat his behaviour, or should she have any cause to believe that he has behaved in a similar manner to any of her female colleagues, she won't hesitate to report him to their employers and/or to the police.

Hope you're feeling okay this morning, OP.

To other posters who question whether this is a work matter, Lapsus has clarified this and certainly at my work the incident would be regarded as a work one despite happening outside work and not at an official work-arranged event. Therefore the use of work email to record the event is appropriate in my view.

The OP is entitled to know what options are available to her; no-one said she should report him to the police, just that she could. As a one-off perhaps the company do not need to know about it - if this is a regular problem, they probably do. And if they are never notified of the one-offs, because everyone assumes it is a one-off, a pattern will not be established.

Fundamentally the OP does have to let this go, manage it discreetly, or in other ways minimise the fact that he has behaved like a fuckwit so that he can save face. This is not her problem - she didn't cause it, this is his responsibility alone.

FloraFox you are talking absolute rubbish. OP please ignore and listen to the other posters. I have nothing better to add than hat they have said. I hope you feel less shaken this morning. I would tell your Boss/HR - maybe in writing if easier than saying face to face just for the record.

WRT involving HR: depends on company policies (if you have them to look at). Normally, any policies relating to professional conduct and dignity apply equally to work socials as well as to the office itself, in my experience.

If it were me, I would warn him off, along the lines of:
a) you would never be interested in him
b) you do not mess with married men
c) you do not mix business with pleasure
D) remind him he crossed a line, cite any policy or professional ethics
e) keep a note/diary of the conversation
f) try to forget it whilst treating him exactly the same as you did before, i.e. with the same professionalism as you treat all other colleagues (male or female)

If he makes another move, then I think it's time to involve your boss and HR (and/or the law if serious enough).

For what it's worth, I think he has showed himself to be highly immature and opportunistic. His poor wife. He should be utterly mortified, hence the 'sorry I've been a dick' text (although this may have been sent in self preservation). I doubt he'll do it again, certainly not with you (providing you make 100% clear that you are unavailable to him).

Hope you're OK, what a nasty thing to happen.

Agree with all you have written @ 07:35 tribpot.

You are right re a potential pattern of 'one-offs'. Urgh.

Speaking only for me, though, I would react based on what I knew, not on what may be or worst case scenario. I acknowledge this could let the dirty wee bugger off with systematically groping/coming on to/harassing every young lady who crosses his path. I really don't know how I would deal with that possibility?

Maybe add another action...
g) discretely tell the boss that you had to have a conversation about inappropriate behaviour on a night out, that you do not wish to disclose the content or make a formal complaint or for it to be a potential disciplinary matter, but that you thought they should know in case it happens again.

?

Best of luck, especially for next week when you need to see him.

Horrible experience but I think one that you can deal with yourself. I'd speak to him face to face and say it was inappropriate and embarrassing for you, and that has to be the end of it or you will have to involve HR. Emails are such a bad idea, they can be misinterpreted and forwarded, face to face communication isn't used enough imo.

he came on to you, you didnt like it, you left.

uncomfortable, but just ignore it. Blank him at work or completely pretend it didnt happen and go on as normal.

Lol at call the police.
I agree. He made a move get over it.

This creep has several weak points, not least the wife and kids. The OP is therefore in a position of power and my advice would be to confront him directly and threaten exposing him to colleagues, family and so on if he ever so much as thinks about trying a stunt like that again. In person... not e-mail. He will be terrified.

Tbh carry on. This advice is so hilarious.
Next thing he will be imprisoned for an ill advised hug.

I think really it's for the OP to decide if it was sexual assault or not. I have been in similar situations a few times over the years (work in male-dominated field) and at least IME you can really feel the difference between a drunken pass and something more serious, even if written in words they are similar actions. For example, 'persuading me to stay' could be done either beggingly or menacingly, the former isn't really a crime but the latter makes it more dodgy.

I think Cogito's advice is spot on.

Also agree with Cogito (much more succinct than my version, intended to be the same!).

Also agree with Windsock, although how the OP gets over it could be ignore, confront, report, or something else entirely. It's her life, her call.

I think the OP will be more able to 'get over it' once she realises she's in a position of power and not the victim. The fact that he is apologising is code for 'please don't tell anyone'.... and his fear is the thing to exploit. How you do that OP is up to you but do understand that you are entirely in control.

(By the way, a male colleague once randomly groped my tit in a club on a Fri night out. I confronted him in a meeting room, first thing Mon. Told him pretty much what I said above. The next week, usual Fri night out, he then groped another colleague on her tits, i.e. message hadn't hit home. At that point, when my colleage told me, I told the boss. He never did it again, not to my knowledge, anyway.)

Cannot believe people are brushing this off as nothing. As someone has already stated, it wasn't just him 'making a pass', he continued after Fraggles said no.

A similar thing happened to me with a 'friend' when I was 14, it was awful and I still think about it. When I told a friend she told me I was 'lucky' that I was 'getting attention'. It's sad to see the same juvenile attitudes here.

Fraggles, good luck with whatever you decide to do.

She said no.

He then carried on for a bit.

But everyone who thinks him carrying on is not OK and deserves to be taken seriously is a nutter?

I see.

What do some of you understand by the term "no means no"

It's a bloody disgrace that the first comment on this thread is "Why did you stay after everyone else left? "

Yes , it's out and out victim blaming. Also that poster's advice is to STFU about it.

in fact that comment is worse than badger's by a long way