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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To feel like my little holiday has already been ruined :(

138 replies

TwllBach · 26/07/2012 22:54

Me and DP are supposed to be going away for three nights tomorrow. It's been organised for about a month and a half and I was really excited for it. We are going to see my mum, who I haven't seen in a year, then to a hotel near London and then back up to one nearer home.

When we see my mum, my brother is taking us out for a meal in a smart casual restaurant. We have known this for about a month. DP googled it so knew what it was. He has already spent a while niggling at a low level because it is the opening weekend of the Olympics and we will more than likely get stuck in traffic.

Yesterday he decided that he did not realise it was 'smart casual' and fell in to a bit of a bad temper. We had to go shopping (23 miles away) do he could buy clothes and shoes as he is strictly a buggy jeans and big bulky trainers sort of person. All the time we were shoppig he was bitching about te sort of people that wear 'smart casual' and how he doesn't mix with people who dress like that so buying clothes is a waste of money. He refused to pick the right size do everything he tried on didn't fit an therefore he wouldn't buy it. He wouldn't consider buying black shoes because he didn't want to be boring. He made snarky remarks about how we dont go out as a couple so he doesn't have decent clothes - this was a dig aimed at me as I have previously been very shy but I'm getting much better now.

We are now going to have to stop ina city on an already 6 - 7 hour journey so he can buy clothes because he couldn't pick anything then.

I picked him up from work today and he was swearin and angry because he was stressed. He said that he had so much work to do and it made him even more angry because it's not like it's even worth it as we are onl away Friday to Monday. I said that we didn't have to go as it is obviously causing him a lot f stress and he told me I was being moody.

It's five to eleven and he is angry with me because I have packed mu own small suitcase instead of waiting for him to get down a large one. It is my fault that he can't find his suit trousers and that his shirt isn't clean. I've spent the last two days trying to guess what to wash for him as e kept putting it off. I have a friend coming I stay to look after the animals and have scrubbed the bathroom, which looks beautiful and e had decided that he will cut his hair and shave before we go. This is fine, but e never clears up properly. He had also just put a wash on.

I'm so miserable, I'd rather not go. I'm confused because he told me I have an attitude that is pissing him off, but I don't understand. I wish I hadn't suggested we go away.

OP posts:
BlackOutTheSun · 26/07/2012 22:57

Leave the man child at home and go and enjoy yourself

Gentleness · 26/07/2012 22:58

Sounds like he is really anxious about going. Is he likely to feel inadequate at the restaurant or with your family? Poor you - so hard when you are excited to have the grumpiness to deal with. Maybe he needs to know you are excited because you'll be together and not just because it'll be doing stuff he doesn't normally arrange? Sorry for advising with no real knowledge, just hoping you can cheer him up and enjoy your break!

poorbuthappy · 26/07/2012 22:59

Yep, I think you have confused partner with child somewhere along the line.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 26/07/2012 22:59

Gentleness is a kinder person than me.

I was going to say that he is behaving like a spoilt brat.

CreatureReport · 26/07/2012 23:00

Is he always such an arse? I would go on my own.

FutTheShuckUp · 26/07/2012 23:03

Blimey he sounds like Kevin the teenager- has he yelled 'it's all your fault' yet?

justonemorethread · 26/07/2012 23:04

Any chance of a rational, adult conversation? Such as 'i understand if you have too much on your plate and don't want to come. I would prefer you tell ne now and stay if you really can't hack it. But I hope you understand its really important to me to see my family. Maybe we can do another weekend away just the two of us another time.'
And that's being diplomatic, his behaviour doesn't really deserve such civility.

carabos · 26/07/2012 23:04

He's anxious and embarrassed. He doesn't need to buy new clothes if he has suit - you mentioned suit trousers. Smart casual means no jeans, no trainers, no tie. He can wear the suit trousers with a dress or casual shirt and he's good to go (I'm assuming if he has a suit he has dress shoes).

Talk to him as an adult. Stay in adult and he will calm down.
Have a great weekend.

Wolfiefan · 26/07/2012 23:04

Sounds like he doesn't want you to go. Does he get in with your mum or is he just horrid in general? ( Swearing etc. What a charmer!)

lisaro · 26/07/2012 23:05

He sounds a knob.

Backtobedlam · 26/07/2012 23:08

He sounds anxious, but he's responding to it in an unfair and unacceptable way. I'd just ignore his behaviour and get on and enjoy yourself...I'm sure he'll be fine once he gets there and realises that just because people dress in a different way to him, they can still be good fun.

ladyintheradiator · 26/07/2012 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TwllBach · 26/07/2012 23:09

The worst thing is, i knew he would say that, about his work. I've been waiting for it since we started planning to go. I knew that he would have issues with his clothes, which is why I started asking him about them two weeks ago. I don't want to nag him because I am not his mother, though.

I hate it when he makes me feel like this. Rationally, I know it's not my fault.

I tried the adult conversation on the way back in the car yesterday. I made a big effort to sound upbeat and understanding about it and he just turned it round, "we'll if you don't want to go..." "I'll go if you want to..." and it confuses me. It was meant to be something nice for the two of us to do together, not just something to do to humour me. I hate the feeling of being on the back foot all the time.

OP posts:
ladyintheradiator · 26/07/2012 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saintlyjimjams · 26/07/2012 23:12

Well I loathe smart casual, - scruffy fine, black tie fine, smart casual sends me into some sort of wardrobe meltdown BUT he is being an arse. Will he be alright once you've set off. Can you not just stop at a big Tesco and grab something that will do for one occasion?

TwllBach · 26/07/2012 23:13

Umm, he does get on with my mum in person. He won't pick up the phone if he sees it's her though, if I'm out, and if he picks up by accident he will make fun of her later, saying things like there's only so much he can listen to her etc etc. she's tried very hard with him because he isn't necessarily sociable and I don't think she thinks he's right for me, and I have asked him before not to be rude about my parents. He's just not wry family minded.

I am just venting I think. Or am I? I'm just a bit confuse and sad really. I'm pretty certain That when other couples go on weekends away, the lead up to it is fun and not upsetting.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 26/07/2012 23:14

God almighty he sounds awful :(

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 26/07/2012 23:15

Is he the same bloke that bought you a conservatory you didn't want?

ChasedByBees · 26/07/2012 23:18

He sounds like he's trying to put a barrier between you and your family. How involved with him are you? I think I agree with your mum, he doesn't sound right for you. It should be fun.

squeakytoy · 26/07/2012 23:19

"I don't think she thinks he's right for me"

I am not your mother, and just from this snapshot of your life he sounds dreadful.

justonemorethread · 26/07/2012 23:24

Well, I wish I had mumsnet to tell me this, but it is your choice. You can choose to spend your future pandering to this person's issues, insecurities and rudeness, always beating yourself up.
Or toy can get tough, or quietly determined from now, and see if he changes.
Usually people don't really change though....

ladyintheradiator · 26/07/2012 23:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CiderwithBuda · 26/07/2012 23:24

He sounds like an anti-social git. Do you socialise with anyone? His friends? Yours?

Or being generous he is totally lacking in confidence.

I think anti-social git though. Otherwise he would make an effort for you.

I know this because my DH would rather not see lots of people. But he does it for me. And he would rather slob about in shorts and a t-shirt at home. But he knows that smart casual is not that difficult and he does it for me.

TwllBach · 26/07/2012 23:27

Alibaba that's not me Grin although he did buy me some tea towels that I didn't want...

Chased we are quite involved - together five and a half years and have been living together for five. No DC, but we are supposed to be getting married at some point.

OP posts:
yousankmybattleship · 26/07/2012 23:27

He's a tool. Leave him home and go by yourself.