To feel like my little holiday has already been ruined :(

[TwllBach]

Me and DP are supposed to be going away for three nights tomorrow. It's been organised for about a month and a half and I was really excited for it. We are going to see my mum, who I haven't seen in a year, then to a hotel near London and then back up to one nearer home.

When we see my mum, my brother is taking us out for a meal in a smart casual restaurant. We have known this for about a month. DP googled it so knew what it was. He has already spent a while niggling at a low level because it is the opening weekend of the Olympics and we will more than likely get stuck in traffic.

Yesterday he decided that he did not realise it was 'smart casual' and fell in to a bit of a bad temper. We had to go shopping (23 miles away) do he could buy clothes and shoes as he is strictly a buggy jeans and big bulky trainers sort of person. All the time we were shoppig he was bitching about te sort of people that wear 'smart casual' and how he doesn't mix with people who dress like that so buying clothes is a waste of money. He refused to pick the right size do everything he tried on didn't fit an therefore he wouldn't buy it. He wouldn't consider buying black shoes because he didn't want to be boring. He made snarky remarks about how we dont go out as a couple so he doesn't have decent clothes - this was a dig aimed at me as I have previously been very shy but I'm getting much better now.

We are now going to have to stop ina city on an already 6 - 7 hour journey so he can buy clothes because he couldn't pick anything then.

I picked him up from work today and he was swearin and angry because he was stressed. He said that he had so much work to do and it made him even more angry because it's not like it's even worth it as we are onl away Friday to Monday. I said that we didn't have to go as it is obviously causing him a lot f stress and he told me I was being moody.

It's five to eleven and he is angry with me because I have packed mu own small suitcase instead of waiting for him to get down a large one. It is my fault that he can't find his suit trousers and that his shirt isn't clean. I've spent the last two days trying to guess what to wash for him as e kept putting it off. I have a friend coming I stay to look after the animals and have scrubbed the bathroom, which looks beautiful and e had decided that he will cut his hair and shave before we go. This is fine, but e never clears up properly. He had also just put a wash on.

I'm so miserable, I'd rather not go. I'm confused because he told me I have an attitude that is pissing him off, but I don't understand. I wish I hadn't suggested we go away.

Well, firstly, the restaurant was brilliant and the food was lovely

My DB was flashing his cash and buying champagne and cocktails and it was a really lovely evening. I was so worried DP was going to spoil it but, thank god, once he had a drink inside him he really loosened up. My mum so obviously ha a good time, too, she loves having me and my DB in the same room, I think it makes her feel all proud. Towards the end of the night both DB and DP went off to have a whiskey and a cigar! Then we all went back to my mums to watch the end of the opening ceremony and I was so happy because everyone had a good time.

Today has been ok too, and we are in our room now after driving all around Surrey because they've closed most I the roads for the cycling

I'm really glad last night was so much fun, but it was such an effort before then.

Sorry, I started that when I got up this morning.

50 although I had a brilliant time with DP last night and we are having quite a nice time today, I think the whole thing has highlighted massive problem areas for me, most of which I realise as a grown woman I can't ignore, however tempting that may be so I will have to do some serious thinking.

You sound lovely and I am so
Glad you had a great time.

But, you know it shouldn't have to be like this... Your p made your life a misery leading up to what should have been a great event to share with people who adore you.
I really think you need to end it with him, he will suck your life energy and drag you down. You are on an upwards trajectory in your life and he doesn't like it! He doesn't ! What does that say?

Sometimes you have a moment where everything becomes clear. I think this is one of those moments for you, OP.

About your mum - my children have left home now and I absolutely love being with them both together. I'm glad your mum had a lovely time. Would you think of talking to her about your boyfriend? Could you and she go out for a long walk together and talk it over?

I would really love to know so I'll ask again... Why haven't you seen your mum for a year?

One night breathing a sigh of relief that it went well doesn't make this relationship good. I really hope you think long and hard about everything. Relationships shouldn't be like the one you have, they really shouldn't.

Sorry - there's 240 miles between us and neither of us have much money to go and see each other! Plus I work six days a week and would really feel it financially if I took a couple of days off regularly. We talk on the phone at least five days a week though.

Incidentally, we have just got back from a restaurant that we walked to. My shoes, which were lovely and probably the most expensive pair I have ever owned, are now covered in blood and my foot has been ripped to shreds because I thought I could manage to walk in them. The restaurant had brilliant reviews but the food was on the table within minutes of ordering and had clearlly been microwaved. We were in and out in half and hour, which was fine because we were having a giggle at how
Rubbish it was. Then we asked the waiter if he had a number for a taxi, he ordered us one and it cost us £14 for a mile trip. Fucking £14. It wasn't just a normal taxi it was their own private cars.

I'm feeling a bit rubbish now

at private car. Name and shame, TwllBach.

Oh please name and shame. I grew up in Surrey and used to know it quite well, but it's so changed these days. We still have quite a few relatives there though, so would want to avoid places like that. Once in a blue moon I might splash out on an expensive restaurant (in dh's book, that's any restaurant!) but I'd want it to be worth it.

Definitely name and shame

What about your relationship? Have you come to any decisions?

Am I allowed to name and shame or is that frowned upon? I'm pretty certain that it is the only Italian restaurant in East Horsley...

I haven't come to any decisions yet. Essentially, I am quite weak willed and definitely afraid of being on my own. I realise I am only young but I don't feel like I've got my whole life ahead of me, of that makes sense? Since I was 14 I've wanted marriage and babies by the time I was 27 and some part of me is telling me that I will have failed if I have to start all over again from now. I'm aware that that is ridiculous

I also dot think I've ever been single - not in any meaningful way anyway. I met my firs boyfriend when I was 15 and then my current DP came along when I went to uni and my ex went to a different one, and swept me
Off my feet so completely that I didt know which way was up, so I went from one straight into the other.

Someone up thread asked me why we moved in together so quickly - he lived in the uni town and obviously I didn't. It felt just too awful to be apart all the holidays and all summer so we found a flat and moved in. We have since said that it was quite early really and I would never advise anyone to do it. That's not to say we have regretted it (until now?) but we know that had we not done it we might have been able to go on a few fancy holidays etc.

I don't know. I'm beginning to think as well that I am much more affected by my parents' relationship than I realised. My dad was so dysfunctional, but you don't know that as a child, do you? You just think its normal. And seeing my mum this weekend really shocked me because I can honestly say I have never seen her happy like that, not once, so that makes me think that things weren't normal t home even more than before. She kept saying things like, "but Twll, I can talk to people, just people in the street! I'm allowed to do things like have a conversation with someone without worrying what TwllsDad how act"

Oh, ha, and I love him, but I'm wondering whether I love the idea of him, or the fantasy him in my head more than the actual fact of him.

Haven't read the whole thread.

I would say that OP's partner was stressed and anxious about going to meal and rather than admit that you are terrified of social gatherings (where you think you might be judged or might appear inadequate) you get annoyed about and at the person who arranged it ie OP.

I always hated things like the company do but it was because I was petrified that I would be left standing like a prat with no one to talk to which would (imv) show up my inadequacies ie unable to make friends/ be liked /didn't look attractive. Am older now and don't care now but still don't like going to these sort of functions but can remember how it felt.

Glaring, I think you do need to read the whole thread - at least what the OP has said.

It's never just about the opening post!

Twll - I think you are at great risk of staying in a relationship in order to be in a relationship rather than wanting this man. When you are in your mid-20s, (rather than being a teen) decent guys won't go anywhere near you if you are in a relationship already so unless you are prepared to take the risk and be single, you will only have the option of a relationship with this man or a relationship with a man who's shit enough to try to pull an attached woman.

You are 24, this is not old. Most of my friends, even if they where dating their now DH/DW at uni didn't get married until 28/29 (that was a year I gave all my money to John Lewis gift list) - most started having DCs in early 30s. Of my friends who are married (most of us are at the grand age of 33), the majority hadn't met their DH/DW by 24. Of both mine and DH's uni friends (who are all the same age or a year older/younger), only 1 has a DC older than 5.

What I'm trying to say is don't settle. You will regret that decision for the rest of your life. once you've had DCs with a man it becomes so much harder to end a relationship. Don't get married to him just to get married. If you don't love him totally, then move on now while you can.

This is one time where 'good enough' isn't good enough. Don't make the mistake of thinking that it'll do, because it won't.

You may not feel that you have your whole life ahead of you, but think about it. You are likely to live until you are 80. How many years is that? How does that compare to your age now? Do you honestly want to live for that many years with this man? Imagine it, he will be bald, paunchy, frail, probably have prostate problems so you'll have a lot of washing to do. The children you have had will have moved away......

You enjoyed that weekend so much...you going to wait another year for the next one?

You probably took comfort in his being unsociable and insecure when you were younger, as it felt like he was a kindred spirit for someone who felt so shy. But you have grown up and emerged, like your mother really, as someone effervescent and willing to embrace life whilst your DP has remained what he ever was. This type of person is very draining, they always suck the life out of any exciting plans as they never want to plan anything with you, you'll be doing that all on your own.

I would do more exciting, adventurous things ... what have you got on your wish list?

And either your DP shapes up and finds out that it's fun, life is meant to be grabbed with both hands...or you accept that you have moved on, he hasn't and this man was part of your youth but not part of your future.

"but Twll, I can talk to people, just people in the street! I'm allowed to do things like have a conversation with someone without worrying what TwllsDad how act"

OHMIGOD. If ever there was a sentence that shows you your life in 25 years time if you marry this sulky manchild.....
Your poor mum. She just must see history repeating....

Op it really does sound like you have carbon copied your parents relationship!

Twll it's also a very good idea to learn how to live without a man in your life and how fulfilling that is, and how independent you can be. Society just puts this stuff in our heads that we need to have our first bf at 16, get married at 25, have babies by 30 blah blah blah. That's just not the reality of life. There's so much else to be enjoyed without thinking of any of that and you need to be getting a flavour of it.

This man is not right for you, you're just co-dependent and scared about living life without a man in it. Sounds like that's the way your mum was too :(

Agree with mardyarse - you are repeating the toxic relationship your mum had with your father. Your are so YOUNG at 24 - you realise it but trust me, you are. Don't - don't don't dont settle for this. Don't live the life your mum lived. I really hope you open your eyes to this and change your life for the better. I fear you won't but I so hope I'm wrong.

I think that the new job will be a great start for you to break away from this relationship, where you will meet new people and make new friends.

The thing is, the more successful you become, the more independent and confident you are in all areas of your life, the more you will start to resent your partner for spoiling things for you with his behaviour. Resentment breeds contempt. You will no longer feel satisfied with your life with him. Your sex life will suffer, and you will cease to respect him.

Please think long and hard about your future. Start to look at your finances and living arrangements and how you could dissolve the relationship and start again. Don't think that you will be alone totally if you split, you could live in a shared house where you will have company, you don't have to be on your own. Imagine all the things you could do with your life that your current partner is holding you back from. I'm not saying that it won't be sad, but you will be OK.

... And the more successful and confident you become, the more resentful and sulky he will become and then you will have some sort of vicious circle, which in the future you will look at and wonder how on earth you got there. So get off the merry-go-round now and work on being that confident, successful, independent woman that you can be.

Update op?

Sorry, it's been hectic, we got back Monday afternoon and then had a thirteen hour shift yesterday!

Right. So. I know you were all probably expecting it but everything is really lovely atm. He is back to being charming and funny and attentive and affectionate... But that's the thing, isn't it? It's confusing. I know that everyone has down days and bad moods, lord knows I do. But it makes me feel on edge and uneasy and I don't want to live like that and I font want any children to live like that either.

Thing is, maybe he is just having a bad time at work and maybe he doesn't realise that he's bringing it home to me. I do love him and I do hope that this is what is happening as it means we can fix it. Ultimately though, I really don't want to live like my mother and I don't want to have children like me, if that makes sense.

It's difficult isn't it? I've been on MN a while, I've read threads on the relationship boards and I, on occasion, have been like (in my head) but how can you still love him?

Incidentally, I agree with what someone said up thread about learning to live independently. When I moved here ad when I chose this uni I was definitely running from things in my home town and basically just wanted to hide away in our little flat. DP looked after me but then about a year later I started teacher training and realised that it was a very long time since I'd even crossed a road on my own. Since then I have tried to do lots of things to make sure I'm more together and can look after myself.

I'm rambling, I know

Oh dear... This is what I feared. You have been so conditioned by your parents relationship that you are almost 'programmed' to put up with this. Abysses are all the same - a lot of the time they are lovely, buy then they will 'snap' and revert to type. This is what will keep happening in your relationship until you are so bogged down you won't be able to see anything anymore.

It's your life but from the sound of it you are making a bad decision and if you stay with him and he has form for this (this isn't a one off is it?) you are condeming your children - when you have them - to the same upbringing you have.

I don't know what else to say, I am just sad for you - you are sp young but you are throwing your life away.