To feel like my little holiday has already been ruined :(

[TwllBach]

Me and DP are supposed to be going away for three nights tomorrow. It's been organised for about a month and a half and I was really excited for it. We are going to see my mum, who I haven't seen in a year, then to a hotel near London and then back up to one nearer home.

When we see my mum, my brother is taking us out for a meal in a smart casual restaurant. We have known this for about a month. DP googled it so knew what it was. He has already spent a while niggling at a low level because it is the opening weekend of the Olympics and we will more than likely get stuck in traffic.

Yesterday he decided that he did not realise it was 'smart casual' and fell in to a bit of a bad temper. We had to go shopping (23 miles away) do he could buy clothes and shoes as he is strictly a buggy jeans and big bulky trainers sort of person. All the time we were shoppig he was bitching about te sort of people that wear 'smart casual' and how he doesn't mix with people who dress like that so buying clothes is a waste of money. He refused to pick the right size do everything he tried on didn't fit an therefore he wouldn't buy it. He wouldn't consider buying black shoes because he didn't want to be boring. He made snarky remarks about how we dont go out as a couple so he doesn't have decent clothes - this was a dig aimed at me as I have previously been very shy but I'm getting much better now.

We are now going to have to stop ina city on an already 6 - 7 hour journey so he can buy clothes because he couldn't pick anything then.

I picked him up from work today and he was swearin and angry because he was stressed. He said that he had so much work to do and it made him even more angry because it's not like it's even worth it as we are onl away Friday to Monday. I said that we didn't have to go as it is obviously causing him a lot f stress and he told me I was being moody.

It's five to eleven and he is angry with me because I have packed mu own small suitcase instead of waiting for him to get down a large one. It is my fault that he can't find his suit trousers and that his shirt isn't clean. I've spent the last two days trying to guess what to wash for him as e kept putting it off. I have a friend coming I stay to look after the animals and have scrubbed the bathroom, which looks beautiful and e had decided that he will cut his hair and shave before we go. This is fine, but e never clears up properly. He had also just put a wash on.

I'm so miserable, I'd rather not go. I'm confused because he told me I have an attitude that is pissing him off, but I don't understand. I wish I hadn't suggested we go away.

Basically, life is too damn short to waste it on moody, miserable people who sourly refute anything that isn't centred around them and their preferences.
These people become genuinely aggrieved at having to be inconvenienced (no matter how slightly) for the benefit of someone else...even their spouses. Especially their spouses.

They heap scorn upon proposed plans, sneer at those who might be stupid enough to enjoy it, behave as though they're being asked to lop off a limb...and just generally work hard at sucking any pleasure anyone else might have had, out of the event.

They feel entitled to behave this way because they are selfish. They consider their outrage quite justifiable because as far as they are concerned, they are the most important element of the proceedings.

There's no getting around that mindset. You just end up living your life according to their wants and expectations...while feeling totally short changed yourself.

Listen to your mum.

OP at 24, you should definitely not have to be sorting some prat's wardrobe.... honestly, giving off to you because he doesn't have a clean shirt?? Please....

You're 24, you should out there shagging a hunk who's able to look after his own environment, not some man-child looking for a mummy substitute. You've come a long way and worked really hard, and tbh, it sounds like you've just outgrown him. Get out there and enjoy life!

Sounds as though you've outgrown this relationship and he feels very threatened by your adult self. It does sound like living with Kevin the Teenager - you don't need that, especially if you think you might want actual children down the line. When you have DC you need your partner to be another adult to share the load, not an extra child to add to it. I'd be having a long hard think about the future if I were you, especially if he has form for behaving like this.

Thats just what I was going to post!!!!

You are living with kevin the teenager!

Get out and dont look back OP

Even if he is usually lovely and caring etc etc, about this he is behaving like a twat.

Go by yourself and enjoy.

You say he is usually lovely, but does that mean that you never usually do anything outside of his (rather limited) comfort zone?

Twllbach,

Re your earlier comment:-
"He is both unsociable and insecure. I am shy and have low self esteem"

That makes you ideal prey for such abusive people. Small wonder therefore you were attracted to each other; both of you have prior issues and now both of you have the same issues but are in a relationship with each other. He is doing nothing to improve your own sense of self worth, a process that actually you can only do on your own. All he is doing in this relationship is defying you and your choices in a childish manner; he just wants to put you down all the time. This is not working and it has not done so for a long time. This relationship is dead in the water really.

At heart this is about power and control.

Honestly love your own self for a change and work on increasing your own self worth. You were and still are vulnerable to such idiot men who like nothing more than to throw their opinions around whilst doing their woman/slave/domestic servant down at the same time by criticising their own choices.

You seem like a nice person, its a great shame you are currently wasting your own life on such a selfish manchild loser. You need to ask yourself why it is that you are still together; habit, some innate and childlike fear of being on your own?. What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Re this comment as well:-
"together five and a half years and have been living together for five"
How is it that you moved in together six months in?. Whose idea was that?. Far, far too soon and that was a grave error of judgment on your part.

He has increased both your shyness and low self esteem over time; he is not the man for you. No way. At 24 you are selling yourself well short, you also met when you were still very young and had little to no life experience behind you.

"Umm, he does get on with my mum in person. He won't pick up the phone if he sees it's her though, if I'm out, and if he picks up by accident he will make fun of her later, saying things like there's only so much he can listen to her etc etc. she's tried very hard with him because he isn't necessarily sociable and I don't think she thinks he's right for me, and I have asked him before not to be rude about my parents. He's just not wry family minded".

Another red flag here and your last sentence just excuses him. Small wonder your mum does not like him. He wants to remain in his smalltown for the rest of his days.

Listen to your mum here, she is talking sense.

How much do you actually know about him in terms of his childhood and family background?.

You need to raise your own relationship bar a lot bloody higher than it already is.
Sorry twllbach but he will never give you what you want from a relationship so long as he has a hole in his bottom.

Just seen your age you be with him all this time go and live and you will realise that there are some decent guys out there> Do go on your own and have some fun and thank god no kids involved

Here's the thing OP. Would I as a man prefer to visit the in-laws or stay at home and watch the Olympics? Probably the latter. Do I generally enjoy and look forward to visits to the in-laws? Not really if I am being honest. But would I ever dream of telling my wife that? Of course not. Unless you are asking him to visit your parents every month, it's not exactly a big imposition is it and presumably he has parents too that he would like you to visit. How would he react if you got the hump just because you were visiting his family? The whole point of a relationship is that it is about give and take.

He just sounds to me like a spoilt child who can't have everything his own way. The tantrum over the smart casual thing is pathetic. He is a grown man and a professional in a well paying job. Wearing smart casual doesn't mean he has to go out and buy chinos and a Ralph Lauren shirt like some identikit posh boy knobhead. He owns a suit and some black shoes presumably? All he then needs is a shirt with a collar and he's sorted. You do realise that he is intentionally engineered an argument to make it clear to you that he is only going on sufferance?

One of the problems here is that you have fallen into the trap of catering for his immaturity and following around after him, making up and covering for his deficiencies. Why do you have to be there to help him buy clothes? Is he a child or a man? What you should have done is said "I told you ten times it was smart casual. If you don't have anything then you better go and buy something yourself. If you can't be bothered, then don't come."

The poster who said that you may have outgrown him may well be right. When you met, you were quiet and he could rule the roost, so to speak. You probably looked up to him as someone who was successful and well informed. But now you have grown into your skin, you can see that a lot of the time he talks utter shite and that he is actually a weak and insecure man/child. There is not a lot you can do to change him. He needs to realise what he has become and make the change himself instead of trying to bully you. Otherwise, eventually, you will end up leaving him.

He sounds incredibly bitter. Bitching about people who wear smart casual clothes? Inverse snobbery to the extreme, it's so... unattractive. Yuk.

I agree he's threatened by your success and new confidence. My DP and I both had horrendously low self esteem when we first met, but he likes the fact that I've grown in confidence (particularly since starting my job), he is happy for me even though he's not improved himself. He'd also never dream of stopping me doing something because of his own issues.

I have plenty of sympathy for people with social/confidence problems - I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't - but it is NOT an excuse for being nasty.

Your partner's a dick, sorry about that OP.

He's going to blow his chance with you big time by being a sulky wanker. He'll push you away and you'll keep going up and up and up, while he keeps sinking lower and lower and lower.

And there's nothing you can do about it. He either needs to have a word with himself and sort his life out. Or he'll lose you.

But it won't be your fault at all. So stop trying to fix it.

Ok, I don't tend to advocate the 'leave him' solution, however...

You are 24 - You should be absolutely enjoying your life, making the most of the freedom you have before children come into the picture. I am happily married, but even so, I wish I had just relaxed and enjoyed life a bit more prior to settling down and having a family. You shouldn't be spending these years tiptoeing round a sulky manchild who creates problems where there aren't any. Relationships (particularly when there are no children involved) shouldn't be this hard.

I think you probably have outgrown him - he just sounds like a moody teenager but if he's like that at 27, don't hold your breath that he'll suddenly grow in maturity. By being so narrow-minded and refusing to step outside his comfort zone he is holding you back, dragging you down emotionally and suffocating you.

If I were you, I would regain control by telling him you've decided that you'll enjoy the weekend far more if he's not there sulking and whinging about everything, and besides, it'll lessen his stress at work if he has Friday and Monday to get on top of things. Go on your own, enjoy the company of your family and use that quiet time to assess your relationship and decide if this really is what you want. You'll probably come to the conclusion that actually, you can do a hell of a lot better.

Sounds like you'll be going away on your own forever, if you stick with him. Everyone has to work a bit harder to cover the time they're away. If all he can do is bitch about it and spoil it for you then you're better off leaving him at home; or leaving him.

If you marry him 'at some point' it'll be interesting watching a man who 'doesn't do smart casual' do top hat and morning suit - and as for getting him to the altar on time, let alone to the airport with his honeymoon wardrobe...

FGS, honey, twats like him suck all the joy out of life. If you were desperate misguided enough to tie the knot with him, you'd become a shrivelled husk of your former happy and well-adjusted self.

Please do yourself a favour and ditch him; if not for yourself, do it for the sake of any future dcs who don't deserve to have this pathetic specimen as a role model.

I'm not ignoring you all, I'm at my mums now. Just got here, DP came too and was fine in the car but is being a bit sulky now we are here. A lot of posters have said things that have resonated with me and I think I'm going to have to do a lot of thinking.

I know most of you think I should leave, and that's fine as I'm assuming that we are heading that way because I have been thinking the same in the back of my head IYSWIM.

I'll probably log on while I'm away but may not be able to post. Thank you for all your advice!

Twll you sound so lovely - and actually a great deal of confidence in yourself comes out in that post you have just written.

I hope that you have a lovely weekend - don't hesitate to tell him to go back to the house if he tries to spoil your evening!

Have a great week end and be yourself !!

He's being a bit sulky now we are here? What an ungrateful fucker and what an appallingly discourteous way for him to behave in front of your nearest and dearest and, more especially, as you haven't seen them for a year.

Dump this self-entitled twat and find yourself a guy who knows how to dress for every occasion, and possesses the good manners to pay attention to others on social occasions instead of making a spectacle of himself the centre of attention for entirely the wrong reasons.

If you stick with a twat who's this much hard work, you'll be old before your time, honey.

So he's trying to ruin your annual visit to your mum by being passive aggressive and a sulky twat?

Tell him you intend to have a great time with your family, and suggest that if he can't behave like a civilised human being, then he can catch the next train back (and find somewhere else to live while he's at it).

He ruined all of the pleasurable anticipation you should have enjoyed at the prospect of your 'little holiday' with your nearest and dearest.

Don't let him ruin the time you spend with them; your dm and your db, who is so generously taking the twat and yourself out for a meal, don't deserve that and neither do you.

Use mumsnet's time honoured words to tell the fucker to fuck off to the far side of fuck and when he gets there, fuck off some more. And then get on with the business of enjoying your break regardless of his sulky face.

And don't be beguiled by any lies promises he makes to change on the drive home. His behaviour is far too entrenched for any improvement to occur in this lifetime.

Please try and talk to your mum alone and please post back x

I really hope you listen to what people are saying here and take the neccesary steps to change your life.

Why haven't you seen your mum for a year before now?

You really are selling yourself short by being with him, I hope you have the strength to change things and set yourself free - and most importantly, realise that relationships should NOT be like this. How he treats you is wrong and you will waste your life being with someone like him.

How are things OP, did you have a nice dinner?